THE STARTING 11: Failed TFC halftime entertainment

"Why Mr. Anselmi, have you had a pedicure?"

Because TFC was so awesomely awesome in this year's NutCan while Montreal and Vancouver were dismally dismal, Wednesday night's match between The Reds and Vanchester City has become an unofficial friendly. Not a good friendly either - like against Scunthorpe or Lecce - a friendly between the benches of two Canadian squads who'd rather have the day off.
　
Entertainment will be provided by TFC lifting The Voyageurs Cup on home turf but apart from that... I don't know...beer? Sideshow entertainment at BMO Field is usually kept to the minimum halftime pudding like kicking balls at pizza boxes or watching a guy in a Leafs' jersey getting a free TFC kit and wearing that douchey Carlsberg troll hat thing. Could be worse though, other halftime ideas have failed even more dismally dismal...
　
11. "Pin the Tail on the Dichio"
　
10. Inviting fans on-field to write about their feelings
　
9. "Craig Forrest's X-Treme Chess Showdown"
　
8. Maksim Usanov elbows you in the jaw
　
7. "Julian de Guzman's Afro Treasure Hunt"
　
6. Preki stares at you for 15 minutes
　
5. Wash the feet of an MLSE executive
　
4. "Win a kiss from Dan Gargan"
　
3. Adrian Cann sings the blues
　
2. Raivis Hščanovičs reads passages from "Twilight"
　
1. Fluffy Butty

AFTER 90: TFC gives The Quakes an after-shocker

Nothing could cheer up Joe Cannon

SJ EARTHQUAKES 1 - TORONTO FC 3

Toronto FC's road woes have officially been solved. All road matches will now only be played in California. Maybe it's the sunshine, the easy livin', Arnold Schwarzenegger or the adult film industry. Whatever it is - it's working. After a solid draw against Galaxy a couple of weeks ago, TFC strutted into San Jose, the hottest team in the league, and owned Buck Shaw Stadium for large chunks of the match.

Preki started the match with his own shocker by sitting Dwayne De Rosario and Julian de Guzman and despite a tentative start, The Reds took control offensively. With The Quakes on their heels in the 1st half, "The" Chad Barrett opened the scoring by putting one past the previously impenetrable Joe "Hot Video" Cannon.

Toronto managed to control the match well through very solid defense led by Adrian Cann and got a jolt with the inclusion of De Ro and de Gu in the 2nd half. De Ro had added a second goal before SJE pulled one back and then threw their entire team at TFC late in the match. Quakes went as far as "pulling the goalie" but with Cannon stuck in a goalmouth scramble De Ro managed an amazing "empty netter" to end the match 3-1. A California "happy ending".

MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei (TFC)... solid

THE GOAT: Joe Cannon (SJE)... flaccid

MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Shocking. High School stadium. Erotic.

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "JOE CANNON LETS A DRIBBLER INTO THE BOX"

TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "Let The Chad tell you about it. After The Chad scores a goal, which he does a lot lately, The Chad likes to shoot his awesomeness up into the air like a 21-gun salute to amazing. After The Chad shoots the awesome into the air he salutes it as it drifts down over all the Little Chadsters in the crowd. Awesomeness." - Chad Barrett on his penalized post-goal celebration

NEXT TFC MATCH: Vancouver (Wednesday - BMO Field)

Shocker

THE MATCHUP: Early playoff tremors

Now that's an attacking option

SJ EARTHQUAKES (3rd) VS. TORONTO FC (8th)
　
Buck Shaw Stadium - Saturday, 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ---RADIO: The Fan590
　
When the 2010 MLS schedule was released, no one could be at fault for thinking this fixture would be one of the snoozers of the season. The two clubs, who have yet to make the playoffs in their existence, haven't been renowned for... what's the word?... winning. Yet, somehow, The Quakes and The Reds go into this clash as two of the hottest teams in the league right now.
　
The dozens gathered at San Jose's slightly large high school stadium, Buck Shaw, will see two clubs chasing that so far elusive playoff dream. Frank Yallop, Canada's best coach and dream candidate as TFC's next Director of Football, has built SJE into a solid squad with more offensive dynamism than TFC. Meanwhile, The Reds are at the tail end of a tough stretch and still haven't found that elusive 3 points on the road. Got ourselves a sweet NutCan though!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Nothing In Common'er"
　
SEISMIC ACTIVITY: Bobby Convey MF, Chris Wondolowski FW, Joe Cannon GK/Porno
"RED"-DY TO RUMBLE: Nana Attakora D, Julian de Guzman MF, Chad Barrett FW
　
THE ODDS:
- Quakes' fans begging for the return of Nick Garcia: 500-1
- Frank Yallop welling up during Canadian anthem: 5-1
- Joe Cannon winning "Best Male Adult Film Star/ Goalkeeper": 3-1
- Earthquakes changing name and moving cities during halftime: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- San Jose constantly mocked by other California cities who claim Jose was a second rate Saint compared to Francisco, Diego or Barbara
- SJ Earthquakes consistently rank high on the Fortune 500 list of "Sports teams named after acts that cause great pain and suffering"
- Team staff has claimed to see the ghost of ex-Quake George Best raiding the office mini-bar on match days
- Buck Shaw Stadium was named after Rupert Buckworth Shaw III, a 19th Century playboy, armadillo tycoon and inventor of the modern earthquake
　
FRANK YALLOP'S PASSPORT SAYS: 1-1 Draw
GIANT CARNIVEROUS EARTHWORMS SAY: 1-0 San Jose
HEADLINE: "JOE CANNON BEATS OFF TFC IN MATCH CLIMAX"

CAPPED! - May 27, 2010

It's that time of the week again when you get to try and outwit your fellow blog aficionados and grab the title of "Wittiest Supporter of the Week"! Fabulous riches, fame and gorgeous ladies await you... but not through this... try the lottery. Just ask last week's winner "Jeronimo"!

This week's pic is below and we're sure it will get those creative juices flowing. Add your captions and names in the comments section. Happy captioningizing!

"Let the children come to Batistuta!!!"

TFC grabs the NutCan long-distance style

"Hands off my trophy losers."

MONTREAL IMPACT 1 - VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1

To badly paraphrase Winston Churchill: "Never have eleven men done so little to gain so much"

Yes, while Toronto FC were just finishing up their weekly Wednesday night fondue party/ book club (we assume - but likely) Montreal Impact and Vancouver Whitecaps were doing "battle" (more a humid skirmish) down the 401. With L'Impact already eliminee dans le Can du Nut it was up to Vancouver to get a win and force the Canadian Championship to a final deciding match at BMO Field next week. The only question was if L'Impact would wave the white flag of surrender (think about it) as they did last year in the final against TFC.

The match was your average rough and tumble USL-style tilt with chances going both ways and technical prowess in short supply. Vancouver managed to take a 1-0 lead in the second half and seemed to have the upper hand but in no way did Montreal roll over like in 2009. L'Impact in fact turned the tide completely and found the equalizer, deflating the Whitecaps' cup dream in the process. The second half continued at a frantic and rough pace but the 1-1 draw remained, ending the match, and the NutCan ,with Toronto FC absently being awarded the trophy for 2010.

The melted cheese was no doubt spilled in excitement as TFC claimed its second straight NutCan and will head into CONCACAF Champions League. Overall, the winning of this Canadian Championship is the least climactic football award since Sheffield Wednesday beat Arsenal in the 1944 FA Cup after a spelling bee, but a win is a win. TFC will get the chance to parade the trophy at home and have a restful friendly against Vancouver next week as opposed to a hard final.

TFC got the job done in 2010 and the fact that winning in such an anti-climactic manner doesn't bother the locals shows a higher level of expectation. Winning this trophy was expected in Toronto this year, not just wanted. For most Reds supporters, Tegucigalpa, Honduras was already on the flight itinerary and getting past C.D. Motagua and into the CCL Group Stage is the new goal. Maybe no NutCan parade down Bay Street tomorrow but maybe a celebratory fondue bucket over Preki's head tonight. He seems like the happy-go-lucky type, no?

THE STARTING 11: Signs that Chad Barrett is confident

Chayne Barooney

One of the biggest surprises of this TFC season has been the emergence of Chad Barrett as a fairly useful forward. For Reds' supporters who have groaned, rolled their eyes and held their heads after many a Barrett miss - the surprise is welcome. Indeed, under Preki, the striker has found a stable spot in the front of TFC's offence. His new-found confidence is very noticeable, but what about off the field?
　
11. Asked Jacob Peterson to be his butler
　
10. Requested his shirt name changed to "Chadinho"
　
9. Refers to Wayne Rooney as "England's Chad Barrett"
　
8. Instead of wind sprints he "jive-walks" like George Jefferson
　
7. Calls TFC's head coach "Prek-Daddy"
　
6. Refuses towels after post-match shower
　
5. Has hung a huge "THE GROTTO" sign over locker
　
4. Only referring to self as "The Chad"
　
3. Only calls teammates "sport", "hombre" or "guy"
　
2. Wearing giant gold medallions under his jersey
　
1. Replaced half-time oranges with "vodka & orange"

May Two Four TFC 2-4

Queen Victoria: Supported Palace

Yes, it's holiday Monday up here in the Great White North. The first long weekend of the summer - the May Two Four or officially... Victoria Day! For our foreign readers it's the day Canadians celebrate the lady who was instrumental in the foundation of this nation of ours. Not including of course the First Nations people who were here hundreds of years earlier, but we only talk about them in Olympic opening ceremonies.... ooh look fireworks!

The holiday is nicknamed the "Two Four" because it often lands on or around May 24th. To celebrate a day off, the very number 24 and our nation's finest football club, we want to share 24 things that are TFC/ 24 related. Number 24 and TFC are most intertwined as the minute where Danny Dichio scored the club's first goal but here are 24 other things you may like to know. While it's true that they are likely only 1/24th factual, (but hey Wikipedia does it) enjoy them anyways Victorian holidaymakers.

24=

- people who didn't toss their souvenir seat cushion on the field

- (-24) is the 2007 TFC goal difference under head coach Mo Johnston

- attempts before Montreal Impact get a win over TFC

- minutes it took Andrea Lombardo to reach BMO on the Dufferin bus

- red cards Maksim Usanov will have by the end of 2010

- number of excuses told for John Carver's departure

- total combined seconds of effort put in by Carlos Ruiz

- number of calls per day put in to First Wave Agency from BMO Field

- Chad Barrett's high score on Jeopardy

- people who still "really enjoy" singing "The Dichio Song" every match

- seconds it took Jim Brennan to accept his new job as Assistant

- amount of birds Nick Garcia saw when punched in the face

- (-24 C) what MLS Cup will feel like with the November wind chill

- minutes it took Collin Samuel to do a lap around BMO

- MLSE Board members to screw in a lightbulb

- number of Mo Johnston contract extensions still to come

- beers needed before Preki's style of football looks entertaining

- staff members it takes to fluff Julian de Guzman's hair pre-game

- amount of pre-season trialists still living in Mo's basement

- consonants in TFC's Latvian defender's name

- Twinkie wrappers found in Ali Gerba's locker

- number of TFC managers in the club's first 25 years

- days it takes to fully digest one chip butty

- years left on Mo's 5-Year Plan

The South Stand Report : Toronto v New England... or The Discovery of How Crap We Are Without DeRo and de Goo

Who's excited for Canada v. Argentina?! I know I am. But that's Monday. However this afternoon's match brings us to another question : where the f*** are the goals going to come from?! The potentially harmless duo of Barrett and White would normally underwhelm me, but Barrett is finally showing some comfort in front of goal. I'm starting to believe. I know, I'm a minority of one, but as Barrett's most ardent hater in 2008 (I finished 3rd in 2009), he IS improving so everyone else can suck it and I'm converting to believe in him.

Weather : supposed to be a sunny Glasgow afternoon (read : drizzlin' piss)
Prediction : 2-1 New England. In all fairness, I'm calling the "1" on The Chad, and the 2 against on Swiss cheese Garcia.

KICK OFF - If you ever need proof that the captain's armband is a truly useless designation, and not something of honour, the piece of cloth is around the arm of one Nick Garcia. Slap me in the face some more...

1' -TFC comes out flying from the opening kick off! The Chad gets into the box and attempts to chip Burpo.

8' - Nyassi for New England at close range but can't put it by Frei.

11' - Frei comes up with his second save in nearly as many minutes with shot that looked like it went off his head at first and we couldn't tell on the replays. So we'll say he stopped it with his head. Sounds more heroic.

15' - Vanilla Peterson, dubbed "Vanilla" because he looks and plays so ordinary and non-descript, crosses a low-and-very-un-"Vanilla"-type ball across the box and a sliding Barrett can't get his foot to it. Good attempt.

25' - Vanilla Peterson gets munkled in a three person pile-up and Shalrie Joseph gets a booking for his effort. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.*

*we speculate, of course

27' - Gargan picks up the ball and sends it to Vanilla on the right side, Vanilla should've crossed it to Ibrahim, but what can only be expected as "it wasn't Chad", opts to fire it weakly at goal.

30' - Garcia was turned inside out rather easily by someone on New England, but Frei made an easier save. Thankfully New England is as anemic as Garcia.

1 minute of extra time

HALF-TIME MOOD : Groggy, humid and utterly bored.

Quote of the match :

That half was difficult to make fun of.

45' - SUB - White is in, Ibrahim is out. Ibby didn't do much. No argument there.

49' - The Chad gets hauled down in the box but no call. I think it was the right one but looked awful.

53' - GOAL - Sam Cronin with the corner kick puts a low arcing ball into the shallow side of the box and onto the head of "The Chad" Chad Barrett and puts it into the back of the net. I so called it. In the face of my substitute neighbour who was hating on him earlier (which had some merit, but I write the reports so I'm right!). It looked confidently taken.

57' - YELLOW - Barrett for a rough tackle. Didn't see it as I was still writing the part above. If it wasn't correct, it's my guest's fault.

58' - SUB - LaBrocca in, Cronin out. A bit of a head scratcher, but Cronin was a bit absent for most of the game, though he came in where it counted.

61' - Sanyang throws himself at a free kick high ball in the box and nearly gets a severe head punch from Burpo. Sanyang is fearless.

64' - Bullsh*t offside call on The Chad.

[conspiracy]
Wait, does this mean that MLS officials actually fear his form?

Haha... no, I'm kidding.
For now...
[/conspiracy]

69' - Vanilla holds the ball a little too long and ruins a quality opportunity 3 yrd outside of the box for White or The Chad. Pass pass baby, to go... to go...

72' - Mr. Pringles Chad Barrett goes for his second chip attempt on Burpo that sails over the net of the out of position goal keeper. Right strategy, wrong player. Sorry Chad, subtle touches at goal isn't your strong suit.

75' - YELLOW - Gargan is booked for something I didn't quite see, but it wasn't that big a deal as both players walked away respectfully from where I was standing... oh well. Some random for New England was booked too.

77' - This was pretty. The Chad on a counter attack runs the ball to half, through to Vanilla who holds the ball long enough to thread a pass to White who gets the ball caught within his legs. Wow. Goal of the year almost...

82' - Gala in, Vanilla Peterson out. I'm good with this. Vanilla was involved in much of the play for the game, but it seemed for every good thing he did, there were 3 minor screw ups. And giving my favourite apple a run out isn't a bad thing, is it?

85' - Sanyang goes up for a ball and comes down in a crash that reminds me of Japanese wrestling.

89' - CrampWatch^TM : Chad is still playing despite optimal conditions for him to stop after 80 mins.

4 minutes of extra time

90+2' - O'Brien White is just slow. I mean, wow. Under little pressure he couldn't control the ball from going into touch. Just remarkable. He makes me believe that I can be a "classic #10".
90+3' - Gala's first meaningful touch is utterly baffling. Gala holds the ball for so long that forward momentum comes to a halt, causing Barrett to be offside when he does pass the ball through.

FULL TIME : Toronto 1, New England 0

Man of the Match : Stephen Frei
Goat of the Game : O'Brien White for the last 5 mins, but everything before that was pretty solid. I haven't used this 'award' for a while...
Ref Rating : 3 out of 5 as they screwed up calls equally for both sides.

New England showed exactly why there are the least feared team in MLS. They had ball possession, but positive motion in the last third of the pitch was abysmal at best.

As a final note, my heart bleeds for Zac Herold. He's the draft pick who was told by doctors that his professional footballing career will never get started due to a bad ticker. He'll never get called out in the starting lineup. He'll never get a round of applause for his hard work. That's just unfortunate. I truly wish him all the best from here on in and hope he realizes that the life he may lead now will be greater and more fulfilling than the one he could've lost pursuing the game he loves.

THE MATCHUP: Wounded Upper Canadians seek revenge

"Come on you Reds!"

TORONTO FC (10th) VS. NEW ENGLAND (14th)
　
BMO Field - Saturday 1:00PM EST
TV: CBC -----RADIO: The Fan590
　
In TFC's second game of 2010, the New England Revolution gave them a 4-1 Boston strangling which had supporters seeing red. Oh the good old days when "Mo Must Go" was the buzz word. I miss that. However, TFC has been playing much better as of late while The Revs have gone the other direction and are winless in six.
　
It would have been a good opportunity for Toronto to get a little Loyalist revenge if it wasn't for the fact that they are very jet-lagged, missing Dwayne De Rosario and most likely Julian de Guzman and have had the kick-off bumped up due to UEFA Champions League lust. The match could go either way at this point with "Fortress BMO" needing to make up for the fact that TFC will be all Twinkie tomorrow... you know, "soft in the middle".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The 1812'er"
　
REDCOATS: Stefan Frei GK, Nick LaBrocca M, Chad Barrett F
"REV" 'VED UP: Taylor Twellman F, Edgaras Jankauskas F, Cory Gibbs D
　
THE ODDS:
- Crates of tea thrown off of Centre Island Ferry: 20-1
- TFC supporters gazing longingly at Steve Nicol: 3-1
- Barrett & White strike force being dubbed "Barr-y White": 9-1
- Nigel Reed proclaiming that "Olde England is better" on-air: 5-2
　
WHO ARE YA?
-New England's traditional whaling industry lives on at Gillette Stadium with the introduction of new "Blubber Buttys"
- Steve Nicol often visits MLS internet forums under the username "Rich Man's Mo Johnston"
- Revolution's die-hard celebrity fans include Norm & Cliff from Cheers, the Boston Celtics' leprechaun and Good Will Hunting.
- The nickname Revolution was chosen in a fan competition narrowly beating out the name "Wahlberg Wanderers"
　
KING GEORGE III SAYS: 3-1 Toronto
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAYS: 1-2 New England
HEADLINE: "TFC HOT AS BARR-Y WHITE GETS IT ON"

Wahlberg Wanderers - "Say hello to your mother for me."

CAPPED! - May 20, 2010

Another week, another pic in the epic fight that is Capped! "Ajax Red" didn't retain his crown and how could he when the amazingly named "Maestro Fresh Pete" dropped his winner? Maybe not the wittiest ever but full of Scarborough flavah! Get your thinking caps on and nab the title as "wittiest supporter" for this week. Then watch the Hollywood scripts come rolling in.

Comments and names below as usual Caption Fantastics...

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