THE MATCHUP: Oranje vs. Orange

Oranje you glad you're not Orange?

TORONTO FC (14th) VS. HOUSTON (6th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO FAN 590
　
Apparently it's time for a fierce Eastern Conference "rivalry"! As if MLS' conference structure wasn't dumb-assed enough, manager Dominic Kinnear and his Houston Dynamo find themselves in the east half of the loop facing "rivals" like TFC while fellow Texans Dallas are in the West. Just brilliant.
　
After a disappointing 2010 which saw Dynamo miss the playoffs, their rare blip has been righted and "Orange Crush" seems to have returned. The Texans have been perennial powerhouses over the last few years and with a strengthened defence as well as the addition of promising young forward Will Bruin, they have made the Eastern Conference that much harder. Just don't mention that Will Bruin could have been a Red if Earl Cochrane hadn't traded our SuperDraft pick for Nathan Sturgis. Cough. Cough.
　
The Bruin-free Reds will be hoping that their midweek NutCan success has created a winning improvement rather than causing a massive let-down as seen last week in Seattle. Aron Winter seemed to choose passive punishment to his underperformers by playing a 1st Team squad against FC Edmonton but may have inadvertently caused himself a headache with potential injuries to Julian de Guzman, Alan Gordon and Tony Tchani. On the flipside, Winter should reward strong performances by Richard Eckersley and Joao Plata over the woeful Dan Gargan and lackadaisical Maicon Santos as TFC struggles to find their 2nd league victory.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Orangina"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Stefan Frei, Adrian Cann, Javier Martina
HOUSTON DYNAMO: Will Bruin, Brian Ching, Brad Davis
　
THE ODDS
- If Dynamo take an early lead, Reds supporters making numerous Apollo 13 "we have a problem" jokes: 2-1
- Aron Winter becoming confused by Houston's Holland '88-esque kit and slotting easily into their midfield: 15-1
- Local NDP voters throwing their support behind Dynamo in a continuation of the "Orange Wave": 30-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Dynamo's switch to the east is reflected in the SAT Exam conundrum: Houston is to the East Coast as Toronto is to Mexico
- Dynamo leave some bad publicity behind in Texas as a contest with team owner Oscar De La Hoya went terribly wrong. The "Take a Punch from the Owner" contest is currently under police investigation
- Houston Dynamo chose a dark orange fox as their cuddly mascot. "Dynamo Diesel" won the competition over 1980's TV private investigator "Matt Houston"
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH:
"Hewshton we have shum problemsh"
　
ORANJES SAY: 1-0 Toronto FC
ORANGES SAY: 2-0 Houston Dynamo
HEADLINE: "KITS ONLY RESEMBLANCE TO DUTCH FOOTBALL"

AFTER 90: "We've got 2nd Legs... We know how to use 'em"

Zed Zed Top. Two better legs than TFC v Edmonton

Second legs don't happen a whole lot when you play without a single table. Okay, The NutCan and the MLS format have nothing to do with each other but furniture puns are so rare in football blogs. Sue me IKEA. Despite such houseware platitudes, Toronto FC indeed found itself in The NutCan Semi-Final 2nd Leg tonight at BMO Field, a week after dispatching their opponents FC "We Heart Tories" Edmonton 3-0 in the 1st Leg. Could "The Monties" overcome 3 away goals? Would Aron Winter roll the dice with a B-Squad? Could I make more leg references? Let's leg it over (YES!) to Toronto's breezy lakeshore...

　
1' - Despite the 1st Team line-up, Toronto fans try to make FC Edmonton feel at home by not showing up. Kick-off...
3' - If Richard Eckersley didn't have that shock of cropped ginger hair, he'd be translucent
7' - Alan Gordon gets his head (including his European headband) on the end of a Danleigh Borman cross but can't direct it on goal
10' - Nana Attakora has still not been released
15' - Jacob Peterson get a decent ball on his feet in front of goal but puts it onto Princes' Blvd.
18' - Joao Plata drives a low ball after an Alan Gordon lay-off. Stopped by FCE keeper "Colonel" Lance Parker
20' - GOAL: A sweet little cross from "El Mosquito" Joao Plata and a fantastically placed first-touch from Alan "Yankee Dichio" Gordon. TFC's own "Little & Large"
TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0
23' - Fans singing the "Yankee Dichio" Song? Oh... wishful thinking... it's that song… again
28' - Jacob Peterson doing his "Amish Beckham" impression with a great cross into Edmonton's box but cleared by FCE defender Paul "I'm A Pretty Lady" Hamilton
38' - FC Edmonton trying to muster some offence but do need to score a goal every 10 minutes if they are to win this semi-final. Okay, stop giggling now.
41' - The font on FCE's player names on their kits looks a lot like the original Star Trek titles. Nerd.
45' - Little time added to the end of a half that TFC rightfully dominated
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0 (4-0 AGG)
　
45' - Aron Winter puts an unchanged squad out for the 2nd Half. Punishment?
50' - Is Stefan Frei ever going to get a day off? I mean... before he leaves for the Swiss League this summer
55' - First actual chance of 2nd Half as a Tony "Touch" Tchani chance from a Peterson feed goes out for a corner
58' - First card of the night as Mikael Yourassowsky does his super-villain act and chops down Paul "Pretty Lady" Hamilton. FCE can't capitalize on the free kick from 30 yards
61' - Nana Attakora still not released
63' - Alan Gordon drops to the ground holding his groin. Not in a funny slapstick way.
64' - SUB: Gordon and his achy crotch make way for Maicon "Mike Sanders" Santos
67' - Joao Plata with yet another sweet little pass to Yourassowsky which gets blocked in the box. Plata really is the Muggsy Bogues of Major League Soccer
70' - SUBS: Tchani and Julian de Guzman both out with knocks - Nick Soolsma and Matt Gold in to replace them
72' - Aron Winter's 1st team run-out suddenly looks short-sighted with a potential raft of injuries to Gordon, Tchani and de Guzman
76' - Poor Plata, so deserved of a goal, is denied by "Colonel" Parker's fingertip save on a good shot
81' - Eckersley working his socks off to get ball into FCE area but no one on TFC to help with the finish
84' - Many cold and restless supporters who were expecting many more goals start heading home
88' - Double-whammy for FC Edmonton as they are about to be eliminated and just hear they have to return to Alberta
90+ - TFC mail in a 2nd Half performance that was "good enough" to see them through to The NutCan Final. Attakora still with the team.
　
TORONTO FC 1 - FC EDMONTON 0
(4-0 AGGREGATE)
　
Whether it was a sign of a hardened competitive streak or a little passive aggressive punishment to underperformers, Aron Winter decided early to play for the win. TFC fielded close to a 1st Team line-up while FC Edmonton rotated and the result followed but at a potentially high injury cost. In the end, deep in the heart of an NDP riding, TFC eliminated the Alberta Blues who weren't very right-wing... nor left-wing over two matches. Positive performances by part-timers Richard Eckersley and Joao Plata justified their extended minutes and hopefully an improved winning mentality for the rest of the squad. The Reds and their supporters now anxiously await the result of the Vancouver v Montreal semi-final to see who stands in the way of a return appearance in the CONCACAF Champions League.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Adrian Cann 6 / Ty Harden 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 7.5 / Jacob Peterson 7 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Tony Tchani 6 / Joao Plata 7.5 / Alan Gordon 7 / Mikael Yourassowsky 6.5 / SUBS: Maicon Santos 5.5 / Matt Gold 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Julian de Guzman's knee
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Five Foot Awesome. Injuries. Aggregate.

THE MATCHUP: Reds aim to continue national leadership with goal majority

"Can you hear Alberta sing? Noo, noo, noooo!"

TORONTO FC VS. FC EDMONTON

NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
SEMI-FINAL - 2ND LEG (3-0 AGGREGATE)
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET (ALL REGIONS)
　
We would love to make this a politics-free, non-partisan match preview and lick our wounds quietly in the corner - but we're playing "Alberta's Team". Yes, FC Edmonton, the lads from North Texas, that Tory bastion, are winging their way to the left-wing pinko cultural cesspool of Toronto for The NutCan Semi-Final 2nd Leg. "The Monties" will be stinging from the 3-0 beating laid on them by TFC in last week's 1st leg as well as the 5-0 thrashing delivered to them by Montreal in this past weekend's NASL fixture. While Edmonton's roster may not be deep enough for major rotation, manager Harry Sinkgraven will be eager to stop the bleeding and put a halt to 8 goals allowed in 180 minutes.
　
For TFC, the only plan is to stop Edmonton from scoring 3 away goals. On paper that sounds like an easy task but Toronto are shell-shocked coming off their worst performance in years - a 3-0 beat-down by Seattle Sounders... and Dan Gargan is still on the team. The aggregate scoreline will allow Aron Winter to rotate his squad greatly and a little passive aggressive punishment towards under-performing players may be called for. The regression seen on Saturday against Sounders must have been alarming for management and we can expect to see some new faces get a chance to make an impact in a fairly low-stress match in front of a likely smallish crowd. Any result that sees TFC advance to the final will be accepted but TFC also needs to adjust its mindset back to a winning one.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Midweek Majority Rule Rumble"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
FC EDMONTON: Alex Surprenant, Chris Kooy, Chris Lemire
TORONTO FC: Oscar Cordon, Tony Tchani, Mikael Yourassowsky
　
THE ODDS
- Edmonton players becoming frightened by an attendance bigger than 10,000 people: 5-1
- Game cancelled before kick-off as "soccer" outlawed by new majority government as "un-Canadian": 10-1
- FC Edmonton somehow winning 11 seats in Parliament: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Being "Alberta's Team", FC Edmonton will soon be allowed to fly the Conservatives' new $9 Billion F-35 jets to all away fixtures
- Conversely, TFC's proposed new Downsview academy (built on Federal lands) will now be shared with the first new Tory "Super-Jail". Danny Dichio will see double duty as coach and prison guard
- Former TFC GM Mo Johnston was reportedly pleased with last night’s election results... "Nothing can go wrong when a man with ultimate power is allowed to run things alone for four years right?"
　
ACTUALLY THE REFORM PARTY SAYS: 1-0 FC Edmonton
LEFT-WING CULTURAL ELITIST MEDIA TYPES SAY: 2-1 Toronto FC
HEADLINE: "TORONTO ADVANCE TO CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL - PARLIAMENT TO RECONVENE; OVERTURN RESULT"

THE WORD: Nana, Nana Goodbye?

"He's got a headache THIS BIG!"

A strange episode in our favourite soap opera "As The Reds Turn" this afternoon as media tongues started wagging when Nana Attakora failed to show at practice. According to the player himself this afternoon, he was simply sick with a headache and was sent home. He claimed not to have heard anything from the club about any potential transaction or release.

Part of the reason that this story has turned from spark to flame so quickly may have much to do with the awful 2011 Attakora has had so far. Last season the young Canadian defender was making waves with the national team and looking as if he would be Toronto FC's defensive rock for years to come. However, this season has seen him go from one problem to the next. Pre-season began with contract renegotiation woes (which have yet to be resolved), self-proclaimed "personal problems" off the pitch and a horrible time trying to adjust his style to fit in with Aron Winter's system. Oh, and that odd flirtation with dreadlocks.

Any move to release Nana Attakora at the present time would be considered odd considering the tremendous problems in Toronto FC's backline. However, when Attakora can't push away the likes of "all-stars" Ty Harden and Dan Gargan in Aron Winter's eyes, it's obvious something is very wrong with the young Canadian. Hopefully the sudden episode this afternoon was nothing more than a case of the media adding 1+1 and coming up with 4 – and as of this moment it does seem this way. But, as we've seen before at TFC, a puff of smoke can quickly turn into an inferno.

WORD FACTOR: 1 / 10

Any updates on this story will follow here...
4PM - Apparently Dan Gargan was sent home ill as well so maybe the story isn’t so bad after all!

THE STARTING 11: Originally rejected club names for FC Edmonton

They win a lot... but never by a majority (UPDATE: Nuts)

Since there's no other news today (what's an Osama Jack Layton?) we thought we'd use our spy skills to infiltrate the hiding place of some secret information. With Toronto FC's NutCan semi-final against FC Edmonton seeming like a foregone conclusion (unless Dan Gargan starts) we thought we would look into the founding of Canada’s newest pro club. The owners went for the very traditional "FC" moniker which we wholeheartedly approve of but were there other names being considered before "The Monties" (make it happen!) decided to go with FC Edmonton? Let's smoke those names out of their holes...

　
11. Gasatasaray
　
10. Eskimoca Juniors
　
9. Shelltic FC
　
8. Stockwell WednesDay
　
7. ShakhTar Sands Donutsk
　
6. Grant Fuhrentina
　
5. Harperlona
　
4. Arsenoil
　
3. Drillareal
　
2. Dynamo Gretzkyiv
　
1. Preston Manning North End

AFTER 90: "Smells Like No Team Spirit"

Immobile and lacking flexibilty. Like TFC's defence.

It's late (eff you Pacific Time Zone... you too Sir Sanford Fleming). We thus forgo the usual pre-amble to instead offer this tome in the style of Seattle poem "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by one K. Cobain.

　
Tune into Gol, it's time for Reds
We need a win, let's not pretend
Seattle's hard and self-assured
Let's break a leg, oops - dirty word
　
Total, Total, Total, Total Football
Total, Total, Total
　
Without Zakuani, they're less dangerous
Aron Winter, entertain us
Time for kick-off, Qwest's raucous
Aron Winter, entertain us!
　
1' - No sign of John Lithgow. "Harry and the Hendersons Night" was indeed a prank. Disappointing. Kick-off...
2' - Sounders supporters' band makes it sound like The Santa Claus Parade is going to march through Qwest Field
7' - TFC off to their patented "Total Shaky Start". Ball barely out of Reds' half
9' - GOAL: Seattle's Alvaro Fernandez connects his head onto cross with zero challenge from Dan Gargan who was "covering" him
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
15' - Sounders' playbook exposed. 1) Look for Dan Gargan. 2) Aim. 3) Fire. 4) Giggle.
19' - Dicoy Williams just heard about his countryman O'Brian White's surgery. BLOOD CLOT!
21' - Drew Carey threatens to sue TFC as their defence does a terrible impression of Price is Right game "Plinko"
25' - Maicon Santos' un-Brazilian alter-ego Mike Sanders is in the house. Painfully inept "offence" from TFC
28' - Alen Stevanovic links up with Javier Martina for the first TFC chance but Seattle do enough to temper the Dutchman's run at goal
33' - Seattle's offence almost looks bored... as if they know they can just score goals later if needed
35' - Sounders' Fernandez tries to make it two but his glancing header saved by Stefan Frei
41' - Surprising lack of Grunge-related chants from Seattle supporters. Would it kill you to do "Spoon Man"?
45' + - First half mercifully ends with TFC looking like a Division Two club getting to play a "big" club in the FA Cup. Scoreline flatters.
　
HALFTIME: SEATTLE SOUNDERS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
　
45' - SUB: Mike Sanders out for Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky
46' - TFC's patented "Total Shaky Start" (Part II) in full effect. Frei the only thing between a Fredy Montero goal
48' - Stefan Frei with another massive save off of Brad Evans boot. Frei must be begging FC Zurich to call in July.
51' - GOAL: Frei could just do no more as Brad Evans had a free run at goal and blasted it past "The Goalblerone"
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 2 - TORONTO FC 0
56' - SUB: Nathan Sturgis in for Julian de Guzman. I guess that's kind of a thing.
58' - Does The Space Needle have a rotating restaurant too? Maybe just a Starbucks?
61' - SUB: Alen Stevanovic out Matt Gold makes his pro debut.
62' - Pretty sure Bob de Klerk just said "I love Gooooooold!"
69' - Frei having to make save after save. Grasshopper? Young Boys?
73' - PENALTY: A dodgy call on possible handball from Yourassowsky. GOAL: Brad Evans puts it past poor Stefan Frei. So-so penalty but a more than justified scoreline
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 3 - TORONTO FC 0
76' - Sigi Schmid considering putting Frasier's dog into the match for Kasey Keller
80' - A Yourassowsky blast actually forces Kasey Keller to make a save... and get up from his nap
84' - Sorry... drifted off trying to remember if there were any other sitcoms set in Seattle
88' - Jacob Peterson and Javier Martina almost hook up for a late goal. They know this ended an hour and a half ago right?
90+ - Mercy. Final whistle ends an ugly affair for TFC without a single sighting of a Sasquatch, Spoon Man or Kelsey Grammar. Rip off.
　
SEATTLE SOUNDERS 3 - TORONTO FC 0
　
What can really be said about this utter mess of a match? Truly the worst outing Toronto FC has had in 2011 and a bit shocking to see such regression. The big win against the lower division FC Edmonton proved to be a false dawn as nothing on The Reds clicked tonight. The impotent offence was only saved from blushes by the truly porous defence. The only saving grace for The Reds is that their next match is once again against Edmonton which may restore a little faith in the club, but that will likely only last until the next league match. With still only one MLS win to their name in 2011 and with a performance that made them seem a division lower in class than Seattle, Aron Winter is going to be using his favourite word "pity" a lot tonight.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Dan Gargan 5 / Dicoy Williams 5.5 / Adrian Cann 6 / Danleigh Borman 5.5 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Maicon Santos 5.5 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Javier Martina 6.5 / Alan Gordon 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky 6 / Matt Gold 6 / Nathan Sturgis 5.5
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei. Poor, poor Stefan Frei.
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: So many choices but... Dan Gargan. Enough.
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

THE MATCHUP: The Space Needle: Not a needle; never in space. Discuss.

Eat it Frasier

SEATTLE (8th) VS. TORONTO FC (12th)

　
QWEST FIELD - SATURDAY 10PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
　
They've got a Space Needle; we've got a CN Tower. They had Frasier's dog, we had The Littlest Hobo. They had Nirvana we had... um... Platinum Blonde? They play like XBOX; we play like a reconditioned ColecoVision. "We're not in Edmonton anymore MoJo" - as Toronto FC visits MLS' biggest, baddest stadium and the Seattle Sounders.
　
The boys in "rave green" aka "projectile pea-vomit green” are always a very tough team to play at home and are far better rested than their Canadian visitors. At 2-3-2, Sounders are off to a start many of their abundant supporters would deem "mediocre" but they are fresh off of a 1-0 win away to MLS Cup holders Colorado. That match is now infamous for the terrible Steve Zakuani broken leg tackle which hurts Seattle's midfield options. Also hurting Seattle's offence has former TFC striker - now Sounder O'Brian White set to miss the match after surgery. What would a Jamaican striker have surgery for? BLOOD CLOT! Can't make it up.
　
Toronto FC make the short hop (if it wasn’t for the half-day airport delay) to Puget Sound from Alberta where they dispatched FC Edmonton in The NutCan. Despite the win, Aron Winter wasn't pleased with The Reds' sharpness late in the match and still seeks improvement. After last week's disappointing draw with Columbus, Winter will want to see better league play and did manage to rest some starters in order to maintain some freshness.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Phallic Tower Tussle"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SEATTLE SOUNDERS: Kasey Keller, Fredy Montero, Erik Friberg
TORONTO FC: Stefan Frei, Julian de Guzman, Alan Gordon
　
THE ODDS
- The word "emerald" being said by GolTV more times in 2 hours than over a week full week of Home Shopping Channel broadcasts: 10-1
- Seattle's wacky neon kits causing an impromptu game of TRON to break out: 50-1
- Conspiracy theorists blaming a Sounders loss to TFC on Courtney Love: 250-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Seattle is Washington's largest city with a population of 317 Sasquatch. Citizens are called "Seattlelites" and the main exports are hipster lumberjack shirts, "Venti" sized things, tossed salad and scrambled eggs
- Sounders owner / game show impresario Drew Carey is upset at MLS after having his idea of replacing the coin toss with a game of "Plinko" rejected by Don Garber
- Sounder (and ex-TFC) forward / slow movement enthusiast O'Brian White was fired as spokesmen for the XBOX Kinetic video game system when his motion couldn't be detected
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH:
"Shmellsh like de teen shpiritsh"
　
NEEDLES SAY: 2-0 Seattle
TOWERS SAY: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "ALAN GORDON TRAPPED BY BIGFOOT HUNTERS"

AFTER 90: Reds put the squeeze on FC Edmonton's NutCan dream

I know... rubbing oil in the wounds

On the same night that saw Real Salt Lake trying to become the 2010/2011 CONCACAF Champions League Winners; the quest for a berth in the 2011/2012 version began for Toronto FC in Edmonton. Yes, The Nutrilite Canadian Championship aka "The NutCan" is back - now with 50% more knockout action! TFC, as reigning champions, drew the lowest seed - NASL newcomers FC Edmonton - and took to the field in the aging orange monolith known as Commonwealth Stadium. Would Aron Winter take the NutCan seriously? Would Toronto's Dutch style match Edmonton's Dutch style? Would someone tell us why FC Edmonton adopted the nickname "The Monties"? Let's go to the artificial pitch where ankles rarely return...

　
1' - Literally dozens of Albertans huddle in the bowels of Commonwealth as cold rain blows sideways over the snow banks (!!!) on the sidelines. Kick-off...
2' - If you squint it looks like Liverpool vs. Cardiff City. But you have to squint hard.
5' - Both team feeling each other out. Neither looking very Dutch.
8' - Mikael "Watch" Yourassowsky making some probing runs on the left side
12' - FCE midfielder Chris Lemire curls a free kick that beat Stefan Frei easily but hit the side netting. TFC got very lucky
20' - Richard Eckersley drives into the box and crosses a beautiful ball in front of the FCE keeper but Oscar Cordon scuffs his opportunity
22' - RED CARD: FC Edmonton MF Shaun Saiko gets straight red on a tough challenge. Wouldn't have been a red in many matches. Arguably a 50/50
27' - Alan Gordon really is "Yankee Dichio"
28' - Maicon Santos is his un-Brazilian alter-ego "Mike Sanders" as he scuffs a golden opportunity in the FCE box
33' - FC Edmonton somehow look far more offensively threatening since going down to 10 men. A better side would have punished TFC
34' - GOAL: Mike Sanders turns back into Maicon Santos and slots home a goal from a nice Joao Plata pass against the run of play.
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 1
42' - Nathan Sturgis AND Nick Soolsma shown on the bench - they're still alive!
45' - TFC defenders reading Edmonton's long range attempts well. In other news - Dan Gargan isn't playing
　
HALFTIME: FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 1
　
46' - Just to make me look stupid: SUB: Dan Gargan in for Richard "By" Eckersley who had a good first half. Recent TFC trialist Eddy Sidra on for FCE
48' - GOAL: Another great little Plata pass to Alan Gordon sees the ball pinball to Oscar Cordon only to return to Alan "Yankee Dichio" Gordon to sweep home the loose ball
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 2
52' - Joao Plata has been an absolute menace to the FCE defensive line. El Mosquito
58' - SUB: Alan Gordon out - Jacob "Amish Beckham" Peterson in
61' - GOAL: Terrible clearance by FCE goalkeeper Rein Baart lands at Maicon Santos' unmarked feet who slots it home with ease
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 3
65' - SUB: Joao Plata's best game in red ends with the return of the long lost Nick Soolsma
67' - Edmonton's D Paul Hamilton is a very pretty lady
70' - The FC Edmonton shirt sponsor "Sears Financing" makes me want to buy a La-Z-Boy recliner on layaway
74' - FCE Alex Surprenant puts one just over Stefan Frei's crossbar from a free kick
80' - Just heard that they couldn't fit tonight's crowd into FCE's actual home ground Foote Field. Is it a stadium for ants?
82' - TFC taking it into "ole" time
86' - Keith Gretzky can't be happy about this
89' - Can hear individual conversations at Commonwealth Stadium
90+ - Final whistle echoes through the stands putting FC Edmonton out of it's misery
　
FC EDMONTON 0 - TORONTO FC 3
　
Aron Winter couldn't have written a better introduction to The NutCan. The manager was able to rotate much of the squad while grabbing three valuable away goals. FC Edmonton showed some very workmanlike qualities early on and TFC indeed had some trouble breaking them down, but the difference in divisional class did show as the game wore on. The controversial red card changed the face of the match but TFC always looked like leaving Commonwealth with a win. The big three goal tally means Winter can put a very rotational squad out for the home leg next week as The Monties will be hard-pressed to score four at BMO Field. In the end, a win that TFC supporters wanted and a welcome addition of some lethal form to finish off a wounded opponent.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Ty Harden 6 / Dicoy Williams 6.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Tony Tchani 6 / Maicon Santos 7 / Oscar Cordon 6 / Mikael Yourassowsky 6.5 / Alan Gordon 7 / Joao Plata 7 / SUBS: Dan Gargan 6 / Jacob Peterson 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Eddy Sidra? He was briefly a Red!
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Canadian. Sparsely populated. Fair result.

THE MATCHUP: FC Edmonton wants oily hands all over our NutCan

Hands off our sweet NutCan!

FC EDMONTON VS. TORONTO FC

NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
SEMI-FINAL - 1ST LEG
　
COMMONWEATH STADIUM - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO / WEST
　
Very rarely does Toronto FC go into a match as the "reigning" anything but as the 2011 Nutrilite Canadian Championship (NutCan to its friends) kicks off, The Reds look to add their two concurrent trophies. With the lush reward of a CONCACAF Champions League berth for the winner, The NutCan is a valuable little tournament which has expanded to four clubs with the inclusion of FC Edmonton. With the additional club, the format has changed to a knockout style with home-and-home legs which delivers TFC to Alberta on Wednesday.
　
The debutant FC Edmonton have just started their first season in the NASL and have shown some decent quality early. The core of the club has been playing together for a number of months and have tried to instil a similar "Dutch-style" as is being attempted in Toronto. Dutchman and former Eredivsie pro Harry Sinkgraven manages Edmonton onto the cavernous Commonwealth Stadium pitch, attempting to find long-term solidity in a town where the likes of the Drillers, Brickmen and Aviators have come and gone.
　
For Toronto FC, The NutCan may represent the club's only chance at finding glory in 2011. In the midst of an admitted major rebuild, Aron Winter would be wise not to underestimate the importance of this tournament to TFC's supporters. While most fans would see the need for some squad rotation - on the back of Columbus and with Seattle on the near horizon - The Reds are in no position to be fielding entire B-Squads. Anything less than another trophy in 2011 will be considered a failure.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Driller Thriller"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
FC EDMONTON: Alex Surprenant, Rein Baart, Chris Kooy
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Tony Tchani, Oscar Cordon
　
THE ODDS
- Higher number of hot dog vendors than fans at Commonwealth: 8-1
- Conservative Party to rescind any points TFC gains in Alberta: 10-1
- With duelling Dutch managers - Belgian slurs to number in hundreds: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- NASL new boys FC Edmonton were named after a "Name The Club" competition picked FCE over two other entrants: Brickmen Rovers and PSV Oilhaven
- In an attempt to mimic the Whitecaps' Nash brothers popularity, FC Edmonton tried to sign Keith Gretzky during the off-season
- Commonwealth Stadium officials have tried to downplay fears over a rough pitch by promising to fill the giant divots with run-off from the Alberta Tar Sands
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH
"Commonwealt Shtadium ish for Eshkimoshe not footbalsh"
　
OILERS SAY: 1-0 Edmonton
SPOILERS SAY: 2-0 Toronto
HEADLINE: "NUTCAN FEVER GRIPS DOZENS AT COMMONWEALTH STADIUM"

THE STARTING 11: Strange things found during the BMO Field Easter Egg hunt

Mmm, you can really taste the buttered bread!

Well that's it for Easter break - a nice mini-vacation to celebrate the first time Jesus rode through England on a giant bunny throwing chocolate eggs at snakes. At least that's what the nice lady on the Toblerone customer service line (tried to swallow a triangle whole - long story) led me to believe. Good work Christ fella! In the middle of the weekend was a decent TFC match which added to the biblical theme with a pestilence of insects and the new "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" version of BMO Field security. What many of us didn't see was the lovely children's Easter Egg hunt held through the corridors of BMO Field during the match. The things those kids stumbled across in their hunt for The Messiah's eggs was quite eggs-citing! See what I did there? Jesus.

　
11. Jim Brennan trying to shave hipster facial hair on a bunny
　
10. A dungeon where all of the South Stand's "disappeared" customers were taken by BMO Field security
　
9. Nick Soolsma - locked in the bathroom since March 21st
　
8. An Amsterdam-styled Red-Light District under the gym
　
7. Mista frozen in carbonite
　
6. A cot, a hot plate and a Twitter account in a storage closet with the words "Rohan Wuz 'Ere" spray painted on the door
　
5. Thousands of candy wrappers covering a snoozing Collin Samuel
　
4. Nick Garcia running on a giant hamster wheel that powers the stadium lights
　
3. An unfinished self-portrait of Mo Johnston depicted as a ginger version of the risen Christ
　
2. The Cadbury's Cream Chip Butty prototype
　
1. The other half of Joao Plata