Hola! Know your CCL Group Stage

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Buenos dios to the Group Stage of CONCACAF Champions League El Toronto! For the first time in Los Reds history they will play in the CCL proper and with it travel the continent (and its little dangly bit below) in the quest to bring a Quarterfinal to Toronto... in February. You can hear chattering Latin American teeth from here. Before that though, TFC must navigate through the wild locales of Mexico, Panama and er... Utah. Let's take a look (or dos look if you please) at TFC's Group A opponents.

ARABE UNIDO - Estadio Armand Dely Valdes - Colon, Panama

Toronto FC haven't travelled this far south since their last place finish in Year One! Badum-dum! I'm here all week - try the burrito. Arabe Unido, and their tiny, decrepit stadium are the enigma of Group A. On paper they look like the poor minnow of the group but Manager Richard Parra led them to a CCL Quarterfinal appearance in 2009/2010 and they are 6-time Panamanian Champions. Also, their canal kicks the Welland Canal's ass.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Orlando Rodriguez FW

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:

"La Furia Colonense" = "The Painful Colonoscopy"

"Los Arabes" = "The Lost Arabians"

"DAU" = ("Dos Awkwardo Unclos") "The Inappropriate Uncles"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:

Manuel Noriega - Dictator/ Pineapple features

Ghost of John Frank Stevens - Engineer of the Panama Canal/ dead

Van Halen - 80's Supergroup/ Hot teacher enthusiasts

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:

"TFC BLOCKED IN COLON"

"PANAMANIA RUNS WILD OVER REDS"

"TORONTO READY FOR CANAL PROBE IN COLON"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:

"La Grande Caliente Colon"

CRUZ AZUL - Estadio Azul - Mexico City, Mexico

This is indeed the big one of the group. You haven't heard of Cruz Azul? You could call them the Barcelona of CONCACAF. Yes the Mexican superclub are pretty big nacho cheeses down at the cracker factory. Manager Enrique Meza leads the club into the Group Stage with only one goal - straight to the final... again. Cruz Azul are 5 time CONCACAF club champions as well as owning 8 Mexican Championships, 2 Copa Mexico trophies and 5 Copa Pachucas. If they don't win Group A, it will be a grandos shock.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Emanuel Villa FW

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:
"La Maquina Celeste" = "The Cheese Machines"
"Los Cementeros" = "The Last Sidewalk"
"El Chemo" = "The Chemotherapists"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:
Speedy Gonzales - Cartoon Mexican politician/ Sombrero collector
Los Lobos - 80's not-so-supergroup/ Richie Valens debtors
The Taco Bell Dog - Canine taco pitchman/ deceased Chihuahua

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:
"CRUZ AZUL GIVE TFC CONCRETE BOOTS"
"MEXICANS CEMENT PLACE IN NEXT ROUND"

" AZUL CRUZ AT BMO FIELD"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:
"El Amigo Chipotle"


REAL SALT LAKE - Rio Tinto Stadium - Sandy, Utah, USA

The reigning MLS Champions will be TFC's most familiar rival and one who have been a tough opponent for The Reds in the past. RSL manager Jason Kreis will hope that familiarity will help them get past fellow CCL debutantes TFC. With a MLS league match in Toronto on August 28th these two teams will be on a first-name basis. Despite their name, RSL are the least Latino of Toronto's opponents. For Real.

PLAYER MAXIM USANOV SHOULD PUNCH: Nick Rimando GK

ACTUAL NICKNAMES/ POORLY TRANSLATED NICKNAMES:

"Royals" = "The Osmond Family"
"RSL" = "Deportivo La Utah Jazz"
"Monarcas" = "The Butterflies"

CELEBRITY SUPPORTERS:

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Singers/ No fun at parties
John Stockton & Karl Malone - Jazz duo/ Short shorts enthusiasts
Polygamists - Wife hoarders/ Bill Paxton fans

LIKELY TABLOID PUN-HEADLINES:

"RSL GET 3 POINTS - 3 WIVES"
"SLUGGISH REDS COVERED IN SALT"
"KYLE BECKERMAN DREADS NATTY DRAW MON"

CHIP BUTTY EQUIVALENT:
"The Holy Union of 1 Potato and Multiple Bread Slices"