THE MATCHUP: HOU are ya?

"Joe Bendik. Let me tell ya' - Joe Bendik... no respect!"

TORONTO VS. HOUSTON
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Tarting up a TFC v Dynamo fixture is like putting lipstick on the proverbial piggy. Try as we might, there is so little marketable friction between these two "Eastern Conference rivals". Even between the two cities there is nowt to fluff. We can only use "Houston we have a problem", the fat dude from Running Man and Warren Moon gags so often. Club Escobar was a nice brief treat.
　
Thus, the highly unhilarious narrative for this match is entirely football related (go figure) and centered on TFC's prospective squad selection. With the big Voyageurs Cup semi-final 1st Leg vs. Montreal next Wednesday, will Ryan Nelsen elect to rest some regular starters? Despite TFC's new resilient play in 2013, playoffs are still considered a very long shot and the V-Cup likely provides the club with its best shot at glory. If the importance of national gloat rights, which we in Toronto enjoy immensely, is evident to the new management then perhaps names like Ryan Richter, Doneil Henry and Justin Braun see more minutes on Saturday. This damp squib fixture may get damper in the quest for some silverware. Did we mention Club Escobar?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Adrian Serioux Testimonial"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Robert Earnshaw, Luis Silva
HOUSTON: Giles Barnes, Brad Davis, Kofi Sarkodie
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC wins - considered a "fluke": 10-1
- TFC loses - considered "business as usual": 5-1
- TFC grabs a draw - blamed on the weather: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
One of the most pleasant TFC surprises in 2013 has been the play of 'keeper Joe Bendik. The unexpectedly solid displays have made Reds supporters take notice but the same can't be said of Major League Soccer. Despite numerous point-grabbing stops, Bendik is only ranked 185th in the league's "Castrol Official Performance Index". While being lauded by motor oil is not all that important in the grand scheme of things, those ranked above him are just unjustified:
# 30:- Carlo Cudicini - GK Los Angeles
# 78: Bobby Shuttleworth - GK New England
# 92:- The left goal post at Crew Stadium
# 113: FC Dallas mascot "Tex Hooper"
# 129: A pylon
# 154: An actual bottle of Castrol motor oil
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU STAYED HOME?"



Never forget.

"Are you Toronto in disguise?" - An away day to England's "Canadian Club"

The BMO Field of Suffolk

 

For someone who exploits many a word on this site to bemoan the extreme weather conditions and rickety tin-can architecture that constitutes a BMO Field fixture, the irony of my away day was not lost. As the Easter Weekend wind and sleet whipped off of the nearby North Sea coast, I stifled chattering teeth long enough to allow a wry smile in the realization of what I had stumbled upon. If Canadian club football, specifically Toronto FC, has a lost spiritual twin it may very well reside at Portman Road - home to Ipswich Town FC.

　

Most of you reading this will have never been to Ipswich. The County Town of the idyllic and largely rural county of Suffolk in Southeastern England has perhaps seen better days, the same which can be said of its beloved local club "The Tractor Boys". That being said, both are doing their best to emerge from lean years while attempting regeneration amidst a community spirit around Town and town that seems fierce and proud. As Mick McCarthy led his squad out to face the once mighty Leeds United, I couldn't help but feel a kindred spirit with the Suffolk support - and not simply due to weather.

　

While I grew up on the terraces of a certain Premiership club two hours away in London, much of my football life has been shaped here in Canada. Like many Canadians (native or transplanted) of the 1980's and 1990's footy supporting variety, it wasn't hard to have a soft spot for Ipswich Town. A succession of Canadian National players excelled at Portman Road with Town becoming a beacon in those days when Canadians playing abroad was more rare than today. Arriving at Portman Road I expected this to be my little Canadian "insider" experience, possibly only important on this side of the pond - I was heartwarmingly incorrect.

THE STARTING 11: Philadelphia wordplay we managed to resist

On loan from QPR



We know what we are. We have an ounce of self-awareness that we dabble often in the dark arts of punnage and hackneyed gagging. It is our chip butty bread and butter. See? Of all MLS fixtures, we find the Philadelphia matchups the hardest when it comes to resisting temptation of woeful wordsmithing. Philly offers so many rich veins to tap - from Fresh Princeses, Cosbys (Cosbi?), Brother Loving, both cheese and steaks and of course Rockybalboas. Despite our love of phraseturning, we did manage to ignore these sitters this past weekend. Set eyes to "roll"...
　
11. "Chester Cheat-oh's"
　
10. "Reds get off to a Rocky start""
　
9. "Le Toux legit to quit"
　
8. "Hey Farfan. Hey Farfan. Why don't you come home with a real team?"
　
7. Nah, nah, nah, Ali Gerba - Hey! Hey! Hey!"
　
6. "Sideline analysis from ADRIAAAAAAAN Serioux"
　
5. "Huxtable sweater kits"
　
4. "Hoagie Ephraim"
　
3. "Referees just don't understand"
　
2. "If we tie... we tie"
　
1. "Bendik got in one little foul and we all got scared, but the goal was disallowed which we all found fair"

THE SOUTH COUCH REPORT : Philadelphia v Toronto... or is this the one where they come together?

Ahhhh... the best seat in the house.  This feels nice.  I'm finally at home for an away game, which sounds like an oxymoron, but I assure you is correct.  The majority of you who are watching it are either in the same predicament, or are enjoying your footie with a pint or two, perhaps some wings or nachos, at your local.  Either way, bask in the comforts.

Though failing to resist writing the following line: Toronto are a mere 2 points out of a playoff spot, with only 29 matches remaining *gasp!*.  Apologies to all, as the filler/preamble feels mandatory.

Starting XI

Bendik

Russell - Agbossoumonde - O'Dea - Morgan

Lambe - Silva - Hall - Ephraim

Braun - Earnshaw

Very happy to see some change in the lineup.  Braun getting a deserved start, and Bostock getting a bumping.  Still not sold on Ephraim, but perhaps his role on the wing will finally pay dividends as his centre forward/central attacking midfield role didn't impress all too much.

5' - SUB - Russell is hamstrung (hamstring injury) and Richter makes his Robins debut #shitPun

8' - The Philadelphia ABC affiliate play by play guys really like talking about the trio of Jack, Mack and Ernie.  Why haven't I heard of them before?  Sounds like a kids TV show with puppets... Editor's note : he's referencing the Union forward Jack McInerney and the author may have a learning disability, but the tests have been, thus far, inconclusive.

15' - Nice service to see a through ball to Earnshaw who pokes it in, but was a foot or two offside.

21' - Lambe couldn't control the cross in from Earnshaw, after a good battle holding off a few defenders.

21' - YELLOW - Morgan goes into the books for desperately holding off a counter attack.  Not a bad move, to be honest.

27' - Two BIG stops by Bendik, diving stop on a Casey attempt, and a second one from Cruz.  Damn.

44' - Silva free kick from 30 yards out, O'Dea gets up for it but heads it just wide of goal.

Half-Time Mood : Satisfied.  The defenders are not perfect, but not caught out. Some creativity from the front.  Hard to tell if Philadelphia is a little toothless or if Toronto is handling them.

52' - Silva with his back to goal 6 yards out takes a long throw-in, gets pulled to ground and the ref doesn't seem to think that was a foul.

54' - Casey is sniffing for a goal, but Bendik keeps making critical stops.

61' - Pushy pushy, shovvy shovvy.  No bookings but the ref appears to be having a symposium on behavior.

65' - Earshaw puts a long cross over the box, finding Silva on the other side who tries to snap-kick it back into goal, but nothing.

67' - YELLOW - Agbossoumonde goes down for taking out the three players.  Jack, Mack and Ernie are all fine.

69' - Philly pressures with some keepy-uppy in the box and it sits at the feet of unmarked Le Toux who puts the ball into the river behind the ground.

For those that don't know, 'the river' is Philadelphia's version of 'the Food building'.

71' - GOAL - MacMath clears the goal, picked up at half by Morgan who pops it over the backline and beautifully chipped by Earnshaw.  Magic!  Something out of nothing! (it's just a song...)
ONION 0, ROBINS 1

73' - SUB - Osorio comes in for Silva.  Well, better than seeing Bostock, all things considered.

74' - YELLOW - Ephraim goes into the books for pushing and shoving a Philly player trying to make a throw in.  No less the gamesmanship that Philly has participated in so far.

74' - YELLOW - O'Dea tackles from behind.  That was a fair booking.

81' - YELLOW - Bendik for time wasting.  I guess...

85' - SUB - Bostock comes on for Earnshaw.  Why not, he's ran his ass off.

87' - Kleberson has a go from the edge of the box and Bendik goes full extension to stop that one.

88' - RED - Morgan gets his second yellow for a weak call.  50-50 collision in the air.  Terrible call.

89' - Ensuing free kick Bendik doesn't quite catch it, but gets bailed out by the ref.  Jack, Mack and Ernie interfere with Bendik gathering the ball and pokes it in.

5 minutes of extra time

90+2' - Corner kick pinball finds the foot of Casey who fires it from 8 yards out and Bendik stops another one.

90+3' - GOAL - Not fair.  Just not fair.  Ball floats across the box and finds the trio of Jack, Mack and Ernie (which only looked like one guy) unmarked who pokes it past Bendik.
ONION 1, ROBINS 1

90+7' - Kleberson sends Antoine Hoppenot in on goal and Bendik charges out and stone cold stops him.

Full Time : PHILADELPHIA 1, TORONTO 1

Man of the Match : Bendik without question. You cannot put a reasonable argument forward for anyone else on the pitch.  Possibly the league. I wanna see him in the FIFA13 Ultimate Team of the Week as players have done less to earn that honour.  Morgan has played very well, and Earnshaw too.

Goat of the Game : The ref.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  He should've been a 1, but he handed us the point by disallowing the 89th minute attempt.  I didn't like the challenge on Bendik, but he didn't have enough control for me to feel he was fouled on, but I am not a ref.  The second yellow on Morgan was a terrible call but calling a goal-line foul might have been an attempt to restore balance (which is arguably too late after that many cards.

Revised Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  Self-argued the officials down a point after further review.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : nothing.  Originally felt that one of the carded players should have come off, but with the early injury, Nelsen couldn't afford to spend it on one of them.

First half was boring, second half was fantastic television... Saw enough positives from Ephraim that I couldn't write anything disparaging about him, so that's a plus... O'Dea looked like he was doing his best Eckersley impression because he seemed to be everywhere on the pitch... Never one to give props to MLS for something, but I will give them props for their free streaming match of the week, even circumventing blackouts.  It was amusing to be able to hear the director of the match giving direction throughout the match... Toronto looked composed.  They were far from perfect but you can see the chemistry starting to truly take place... Pro : cheap drinks.  Con : running commentary only on BlackBerry Messenger.  Not the same.

 :: SPONSOR ::

Player Ratings : Bendik 10, Russell N/A [Richter 6], Agbossoumonde 6.5, O'Dea 7, Morgan 7, Lambe 6, Silva 6.5 [Osorio N/A], Hall 6, Ephraim 6, Braun 6, Earnshaw 7 [Bostock N/A]

@ignirtoq is starting a fansite when this show starts up.  Probably a tumblr account.  Is a fan of puppets as evidenced by his love of Muppets, Avenue Q and the latest episode of Community.

THE MATCHUP: "Breaking You" - Since 2007

If we die. We die.



PHILADELPHIA VS. TORONTO

PPL PARK - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO

THE KICKABOUT:
What better fixture for Toronto FC to test their new hungry, young squad than against the fighting town of Philadelphia and the scrappy Union? Going toe-to-toe against the birthplace of famous pugilist Roccolino "Rocky" Benito Balboa, for us, means this match can go one of five ways:

I: The Reds will spend the day jogging through Chester before having a massive battle with Union which sees them fight bravely but lose bloodied yet respected.
II: In their 2013 sequel to 2012's match vs. Union, the better trained Reds with their hard-punching new tactics shock the Union with a late match knockout. Manager growls a lot in New Zealish.
III: The triumphant Reds are set to unveil a statue of Danny Dichio at their new training complex when a gold-chain wearing Sebastien Le Toux shows up and tells TFC's wife that he'll "show her a real man". A melee ensues before Union beat on a bloated TFC. Reds later even the score. Draw.
IV: Ex-Toronto defender Maxim Usanov shows up for the match. TFC takes five minutes to enter the field to a musical montage before an angered Usanov punches Jim Brennan into oblivion. TFC later go to Nunavut to train in a cabin.
V, VI, VII: Nobody bothers to watch. Italian Stallion signs for Montreal as a DP.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Showtime at the Apollo Creed"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
PHILADELPHIA: Brian Carroll, Gabriel Farfan, Sebastien Le Toux
TORONTO: Danny Califf, Jonathan Osorio, Luis Silva

THE ODDS:
- People unhappy this wasn't another Fresh Prince tribute: 2-1
- TFC signing Uncle Paulie on loan: 5-1
- Philadelphia Union entering the pitch on rising platform from beneath the stadium as Jacob Peterson sings "Living in America" while dressed as Uncle Sam: 10-1

WHO ARE YA?
PPL Park is located in the suburban Philadelphia city of Chester. Founded in 1976 by a group of down-on-their-luck Italian-Americans, the area was once famous for its hand-beaten sides of beef, many steps and independently-owned pet shops. Despite losing its lustre in the 1990's, the modern city has rebounded as a leader in Robot Butler technology. Despite a well-documented prejudice against Soviets, the area has re-branded itself (six times) and is led by brutal Mayor James Clubber Lang.

POST-MATCH HEADLINE:
"WE GOT BROKEN"

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of Toronto FC's contract with Budweiser

Terry F*ckin' Dunfman



To poorly paraphrase Monty Python: "Drinking a beer at BMO Field is like sex in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water." Yes, the "King" of Beers (possibly the Larry King of beers at best) is now the official beer supplier at BMO Field and your taste buds couldn't be more morose. The American brewer/Czech brand name hustlers will now be pouring your overpriced suds in a contract that sees them plaster their name and their awful excuse for beer around the stadium. However, there may be more outcomes from this new deal with the hops devil...
　
11. Two Clydesdale horses on loan to TFC until July
　
10. Instead of usual journalistic descriptions for TFC's play, media can only now use the adjectives "pale", "weak" and "skunky"
　
9. Water fountains removed from BMO Field as the buzz from tap water deemed too competitive to Budweiser
　
8. It is the real reason that Frings left Toronto
　
7. Midsummer friendly vs. winner of the Bud Bowl
　
6. TFC warm-up gear replaced with hot 1980's Bud Girl bikinis
　
5. Shoving fries into your pint to improve the flavour now called a "Chip Buddy"
　
4. Bitchy the Hawk replaced with party dog Spuds MacKenzie
　
3. Terry Dunfield forced to legally change name to "DunfMan"
　
2. "The Dichio Song" banned - replaced with "Whaaaaa-suuuuuup?!"
　
1. Players "giving 5.0% effort" now considered good

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Dallas... or Don't Call It A Comeback!

 Dallastasaray.

Damn it's colder here than I thought it would be. Welcome to game five of Toronto's season.  Seriously I could've used some mitts. Bloody lake effects. 5 degrees my ass. 

Dallas is one of the hottest teams in the league leading the West.  Conversely, my fingers are like icicles.  We've bitched about not having a roof in the south end, but what would it take for some under-seat heating?  It's like third world here.

Sorry, I get cranky when I'm not prepared for the weather.

Starting XI:

Bendik

Russell - Agbossoumonde - O'Dea - Eckersley

Bostock - Hall - Osorio - Lambe

Ephraim

Earnshaw

Onto the match...

14' - YELLOW - Osorio goes into the book, for a tackle down on the wing.  It looked 50/50 but it was on the far side of the pitch from us

34' - GOAL - from a free kick punted in, the 5 outfielders and the keeper couldn't get to the ball, but the header ends up a the feet of Jacobson and buries it.
ROBINS 0, DALLASTASARAY 1

45' - YELLOW - Ephraim goes into the book for dissent... or just complaining.

Half-Time : Hypothermic.  Seriously, it's bad that it's cold, it's worse when your pen doesn't want to work.

45' - SUB - Osorio comes off for Silva.

52' - YELLOW - Silva makes friends with the ref's book by a tackling someone kinda sorta from behind.

60' - GOAL - This one is fantastic... Bendik saves, thrown to Bostock, given up in midfield and launched up the pitch, one bounce, Perez slams it in.

ROBINS 0, DALLASTASARAY 2

62' - Free kick over the top and Earnshaw nearly jumping snap kicks the ball in, but the Dallas keeper was right in front of it.

73' - SUB - Bostock comes out and Braun joins the fray.

77' - Some of the masses begin to flock out of the stadium...

84' - GOAL - Cross comes into the box, Hedges heads it over his keeper and Braun at the doorstep to head it in.  This... naw... could they... naw, it's too cold or something...
ROBINS 1, DALLASTASARAY 2

85' - O'Dea is in the box with his back to goal, ball at his feet, gets hauled down, and there doesn't seem to be an official with a clue on how to call it other than "play on"...

87' - Free kick delivered by Silva gets headed in by Russell, which ends up at the foot of O'Dea who goes for a cheeky side-foot redirection and forcing a great save from Fernandez.  These frozen buggers are really going for it...

90' - GOAL - Russell.  Screamer.  Top left corner.  Highlight reel.  Holy shit.  It's happening!!!!
ROBINS 2, DALLASTASARAY 2

4 minutes of extra time

90+1' - SUB - Eckersley, who was absolutely everywhere, is injured and makes way for Ashtone Morgan.

90+3' - YELLOW - Braun for colliding with a player on a 50/50 ball.

Full Time : TORONTO 2, DALLAS 2

Man of the Match : Ecks.   Please don't be too hurt sir.

Goat of the Game : Ephraim was absolutely abysmal.  When our new Argentinian friend arrives, you will become a spectator.  When Koevermans comes back, you will be returned to QPR.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Dallas can't blame them for Toronto coming back as they did their best to prevent them from playing well or fair at all.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : How long does Ephraim need?  At least Bostock was taken out after his howler of a turnover which led to the second, albeit pretty and somewhat unlikely, goal.  Ephraim looks frightened when he's outfield and when he does have the ball, it's not the most confident.  He looks bullied and almost out of his depth.  Perhaps there's a metric that I don't see or understand (because I am not the gaffer...) but short of being his friend, it's difficult to comprehend what Nelsen sees in him that most others don't.  Bostock should be delivering more in his role and with his pedigree.  Perhaps they underestimate their opponents or the calibre of the league, but if their resume is to be a measure, they need to play much better than this.  I still don't feel Russell is a defender, and that rocket was something special.  He should be playing further up the pitch.  Agbossoumonde's first touch was suspect, but found his rhythm and was a solid centre back filling in for the ailing Danny Califf.  Would prefer to see Braun play instead of Ephraim next game, if only for what he brought to the last match.  Osorio was rewarded for such play last week...

Who else's fingers are still a little numb?  I'm writing this hours after the match and I feel like I need some form of handwear... announced crowd of just over 16,000.  On one hand, that's sad.  On the other hand, it's still better than what Columbus gets... All those people who left early made watching the two goals easier to watch.  Please leave earlier sooner... Hall wasn't as useless a MF as I called the MF earlier this week.  He wasn't great, but functional... Dallas keeper Fernandez had not one but two absolutely brutal clearances.  Neither one was under much pressure and neither one stayed in play... Ou est Hassli?... As an amateur vexillologist, the Swiss flag in the south end perplexes me because it is incorrect.  The flag they have is rectangular, while the proper flag is perfectly square... I may be crazy, but I think TFC is really trying to shoehorn the falcon as part of the club's branding.  The whole 'thing' of Bitchy flying through the tunnel and staying on her perch, though a cute pet trick, feels forced.  If there is a bird-like mascot within 3 years, know that I'm not psychic.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Russell 6.5, Agbossoumonde 6, O'Dea 6.5, Eckersley 7.5 [Morgan N/A], Bostock 5.5 [Braun 6.5], Hall 6, Osorio 5.5 [Silva 6.5], Lambe 6, Ephraim 5.5, Earnshaw 6

THE MATCHUP: "Visit a last place team and let them freeze in the cold"

The future home of Harry Redknapp

TORONTO VS. DALLAS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN 2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Like some kind of Texan version of Oliver the Jeweller, FC Dallas is the club that buys our old, unwanted designated players. Oh yeeee-ahhhh! First it was Julian de Guzman for something to do with modern eras then most recently snapping up "Les Miserable" himself, Eric Hassli. The story of this match will of course be the return of said Frenchman who is now part of Queen's Park Texas Rangers' lethal/slow-motion strike duo alongside Kenny Cooper.
　
A note to Danny Koevermans for later this year - horizontal hoops are not slimming.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Designated Exchanger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: John Bostock, Hogan Ephraim, Darren O'Dea
DALLAS: Kenny Cooper, David Ferreira, Eric Hassli
　
THE ODDS:
- Eric Hassli scoring the FIFA Goal of the Year: 10-1
- Eric Hassli and Kenny Cooper breaking the 3km/h barrier: 25-1
- Ryan Nelsen getting nostalgic when he sees Dallas' hoops kits: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Many in Toronto will think of FC Dallas as simply the team where we send expensive talent when they are deemed surplus here. However, it isn't only DP's that The Hoops have recycled off of TFC. The storage room under FC Dallas Stadium now boasts a set of phones that only dial a single agent's number, ten brand new five-year-planner diary books, a box of hilarious gag t-shirts that say "TFC Scouting Department 2007-2012", a giant tub of Butty Butter (TM) and some orange Lamborghini wax.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "HASSLI'S WIFE PLEASED WITH RESULT"

Urruti and a mystery MF sign.

Urruti & what we will refer to for now as Mysterion, as depicted by South Park

I was awaiting official word of the signing, but because of the pending brilliance, I need to post now.

To be filed under "Please don't fall through", Toronto finally capture their Argentine designated player in Maximiliano Urruti. The Newell's Old Boys striker has been the focus of a long, nearly drawn-out, courtship but will add flexibility to the front of the Robins attack. No word yet when he'll make his debut.  If his highlight reel is to be taken as law, he can poach and create, and he ain't no MF.  Wikipedia, at the time of writing, is calling this a loan for the 22 year old.

What is remarkable from the Canadian Press report is the away team with Pat Onstad has revealed a second signing.  We don't know much other than he plays in the MF.  Perhaps this MF can add some creativity in the middle of the pitch.  Toronto used to have depth (ranging from passable to mediocre) with a string of MFs.  Some MFs were converted to forwards, some stayed attacking MFs.  What I understand is that whomever this MF is, this MF better bring his game, son.

I'm tired of these MFs failing.  Look at Hall.  Is that the kind of MF that's going to spark this team?  Hell naw.  Now Dunfield, there's a MF that knows work.  He ain't creative for s---, but at least he works.  Lambe is one of those disappearing MFs, sometime's he's good, other times he's a liability.  We need consistency from our MF.  At least our MF ain't trippin'.  Nobody likes diving.

We need a bad-ass MF, and not a bad MF as in terrible.

Editor's Note : the author first understood MF to mean mother f--ker, as that's how he read it on twitter.  He now understands that it is midfielder, but we kept the report intact.

THE STARTING 11: MLS signs of Spring

Behold, the call of the Great Cascadian ManCannon...

It's Springtime for Garber! No foolin' yo - it's April 1st and no matter what the weather says - spring is ready to sprung up in your business. Being a league that must use a reverse-football calendar (come visit us in January Mr. Blatter), Major League Soccer counts on the seasonal change to attract fans to stadiums across North America. However, not all the signs of spring are as obvious as flowers and sunshine in MLS...
　
11. Chivas USA paid attendance triples... to 21
　
10. Terry Dunfield switches to jaunty pink and yellow sock tassels
　
9. Club Escobar's patio now open!
　
8. De Ro makes a dramatic post-goal tulip-planting motion
　
7. Forest rangers give Timber Joey the stink-eye
　
6. Landon Donovan gets moody (see: summer, autumn, and winter)
　
5. Richard Eckersley begins to blister
　
4. Southern States switch from ignoring the NHL to ignoring MLS
　
3. The three guys on the Columbus Crew logo wear tank-tops
　
2. Joe Cannon begins mating season
　
1. TFC mathematically eliminated from playoffs