THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC players spent their bye week

SPRING BREAK! Woooot! Ok, not quite a kegger on Daytona Beach but TFC players and staff have had a few extra days off to relax recently. So while you toil away in whatever corporate ant farm is destroying your soul... take a moment to think of those more fortunate than you and how they spent a lovely spring week...

11. JACKSON: Touring city parks... tackling daffodils from behind

10. NICK HAGGLUND: Leaving Drake way too many unanswered voice mails

9. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Signing invisible airline ticket. Going on invisible tropical vacation.

8. MICHAEL BRADLEY: Mostly staring menacingly straight ahead

7. JULIO CESAR: Buying one of the few remaining local Little Caesars pizza chains. Removing the "E" from "Caesars". Laughing hysterically.

6. TIM LEIWEKE: Using giant eraser on Maple Leafs' parade route

5. BRIGHT DIKE: Wondering aloud why the beverage Sprite isn't pronounce "Spee-Rite"

4. JERMAIN DEFOE: LadyAuditions

3. TIM BEZBATCHENKO: Playing lead guitar for his thrash metal group; going to Fight Club; cruisin' for honeys in the Bezmobile; late-night vigilante justice; strip Dungeons & Dragons. So, just a normal week.

2. BRADLEY ORR: Getting better acquainted with Toronto. Head-butting locals.

1. JIM BRENNAN: Named TFC Assistant Regional VP of Vacations

THE STARTING 11: Surprising items found during the BMO Field Easter Egg hunt

Happy Easter Monday to our Christian observers/chocolate bunny observers. To the rest of you - happy Monday? Sure. Easter of course is where millions celebrate JC's (not Julio Cesar) big comeback victory over AS Roma in the egg fields near the stadium where Beitar Jerusalem now plays. We think. Our hotel Bible and a copy of FourFourTwo magazine got stuck together. Regardless of your beliefs, one tradition that all heathens love is an Easter Egg Hunt and the good folks at Toronto FC are no different. However, when you let people hunt in the nooks and crannies of your stadium, any festive treat could be found...

11. Stencils to decorate Michael Bradley's head

10. Boxes of tiny candy Drakes

9. A laboratory full of cryogenically frozen cloned Bitchy eggs

8. A statuette of The Risen Jason Kreis

7. Jermain Defoe's carton of WAGS

6. The Kinder Egg that Joao Plata first arrived in

5. An actual bunny hiding from Ali Gerba since 2009

4. Paul Mariner's abandoned blueprints for "Creme Egg Shorts"

3. The fuzzy bunny costume that Mo Johnston used to make John Carver wear when he needed cheering up

2. The human-sized Aunt Jemima syrup bottle that used to live with Danny Koevermans

1. A painting of The Last Supper where Jim Brennan portrays every character

AFTER 90 - Bradley returns but still go down swingin'

FC Dallas - 2
Hedges 37'
Pérez 88'
Toronto - 1
Nakajima-Farran 21'

WHAT WE EXPECTED: Depending on who showed up healthy, the range went from 'planning the Cup parade' to 'gonna take a whuppin'.  
WHAT WE GOT: The counter-attack stylings that we've come to expect with the welcomed addition of Bradley and Osorio, but it was just not enough.

THE GOOD:
- Nakajima-Farran's goal.  Not spectacular, but stayed composed to do the business.
- Counter attack was working, for what it's worth.
- Jackson made himself available throughout the match.

THE BAD:
- Crosses ultimately did them in.  Giving them up with 12 corners was rough, but pelting the net with them with little comprehensive defending to it was what did them in.
- Julio Cesar could only do so much.
- Gilberto was invisible for too long, as was Bekker.

THE MALARKEY:
- As much as it's awesome to wear reds on the road, why did Dallas wear their alts at home? I blame marketing and merchandising departments.
- Don'tcha hate it when the other team subs in their big gun and he scores in the 88th minute?

THE YORKIES' TFC NON-BRADLEY MAN OF THE MATCH: Nakajima-Farran

I had this stuck in my head during the entire report, so I should share it.

THE MATCHUP: Who shot J.D.'s hamstring?

Dallas down to ten...

FC DALLAS VS. TORONTO FC
TOYOTA STADIUM - SATURDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Will TFC manage to find 11 healthy starters?
- Has FC Dallas flattered to deceive so far in 2014?
- Will Fran O'Leary end up watching the match from a distance while being taunted by FCD mascot Tex Hooper a la Bob de Klerk?
- Can Gilberto finally open his scoring account? (Again)
- Was the first month of TFC's season just a dream and we're all standing collectively in a shower?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Burning Sensation"

THE DUEL:
David Texeira vs. Gilberto

WHO ARE YA?
Easter is a special occasion down in Texas and the owners of FC Dallas spare no expense to attract a few needed extra fans to Toyota Stadium with the allure of holiday treats. However, where other grounds may opt for a traditional chocolate egg hunt, FC Dallas embraces their Texan heritage and invites families to a Lone Star Easter.

Children dressed as Walker, Texas Ranger are lined up with a Junior High-Powered Assault Rifle while bunnies, force-fed on T-Bone steaks for a month, are released on the pitch and hunted down by freedom-loving toddlers. The child with the most bunnies after 90 minutes must then eat a BBQ'd 8-pound steak-filled bunny and a gallon of cheese balls to win a chocolate egg.

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
APRIL 19, 2012: Danny Koevermans tore his meniscus on a Cadbury Creme Egg.

THE STARTING 11: Strange TFC injuries

 

The Bloody Big Deals have turned into Bloodied Big Deals at BMO Field as Toronto FC's depth charts are being stretched to their limits. Results like Saturday's tepid loss to Colorado are not to be unexpected with so many key players out to injury while new ones seem to keep cropping up. The Reds are faced with quite a challenge at the moment but the club has a long history of dealing with injuries, some of them quite unusual...

11. MISTA: Bulged Wallet

10. NICK SOOLSMA: Cat Scratch Fever

9. MAICON SANTOS: Multiple Personalities

8. MIGUEL ACEVAL: Nightclub Foot

7. JIM BRENNAN: Overextended Employment

6. COLLIN SAMUEL: Consumption

5. TERRY DUNFIELD: Twisted Tassels

4. DANNY KOEVERMANS: Syrup Hemmorhage

3. RICHARD ECKERSLEY: Gingervitis

2. RAIVIS HSCANOVICS: Vowelnutrition

1. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Bruised Ego



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Colorado... or The One They Should've Won

It's a beautiful day today.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the weather situation, it's been extended cold with no relief, but this weekend, it's practically shorts weather.

On one hand, Colorado is about as much of a grey mouse club as they come in MLS, with minimal star power or excitement.  They're littered with a few ex-TFC players (Wynne, Buddle, Labrocca to name a few) and they've eeked out most of their wins this year.

On the other hand, Toronto's injury list could probably qualify for the play-offs right now. TFC are missing Defoe, Bradley, Osorio, Rey and Henry from the starting XI as they are all on the mend.

We shouldn't miss our top talents too much against a team that's been coasting on luck, should we?

We'll see.

On to the match!

5' - Hall blows possession just a few feet from the penalty area, but Colorado's best long range attempt sails well over the bar

17' - YELLOW - Caldwell booked for a seemingly deliberate handball just outside of the box.  That looked close.

29' - Two chances back to back, Issey lets forth a rocket that nails a defender, but the ensuing rebound is a cutesy lob that beat everyone but the keeper.  Solid attempt.

39' - Edson Buddle (remember him?) tortures the back four, but Julio Cesar bails them out with a solid save.

Quote of the Match

He got hit in the little cesars

~ @Hitchorado with a bit of accuracy

43' - Brilliant long cross finds the diving header from Gilberto, but the ball curls around the post.

44' - Bekker is either scared or disoriented as his every touch of the ball results in a pass backwards.  Seriously, have some confidence and go forward.

Half-time Mood : Underwhelming.  Game still stuck in second gear it appears.

57' - OK, we're awake now.  Just a flurry of action in the box, many attempts, solid blocks, nice passes.  About f'ing time.

58' - Bekker takes a corner that's a little on the brutal side and skips low, but the clearance isn't much better.  Bekker picks up the clearance and floats one into the box finding Caldwell's head but that just goes over the bar.

62' - DeRo gets on the end of a cross and instead of taking the shot (like he should), he lays the ball off for Jackson, who wasn't ready for it and can't get to it before it trickles over the goal line.

67' - SUB - De Rosario comes off injured for *gulp* Weideman.  #ooooohboy

76' - Bekker free kick from 20+ years out curls one around the wall, beats the keeper but not the post.

77' - GOAL - Well, that was nuts.  From what we could tell, the ball kept being passed, desperately, amongst the Rapids and SOMEHOW they keep finding one another and SOMEHOW it ends up with Edson Buddle 5 yds out with Julio Cesar left to fend for himself who is beaten easily.
ROBINS 0, COLO COLO COLORADO 1

86' - Toronto counter attack with some nice ball movement, cross sent to the left side Gilberto who's half-volley end up right at the keeper.  Ugh.

89' - SUB - Hamilton comes on for Bloom

90+2' - All hands on deck as Bekker sets up for a free kick 20 yds out dead centre but his attempt flies over the bar.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 0, COLORADO 1

Man of the Match : Jackson had hustle and caused some problems.  Jackson earns it.  Jackson.

Goat of the Game : Hall was probably the least effective player out there.  He wasn't truly goat-worthy, but he was the most superfluous.

Ref Rating : Equally inconsistent for both sides.  3 out of 5

Kit Spotting : What was with all of the Croatia kits today?  I spotted 4 different ones...

I Am Not the Gaffer But : I likely would've made a change earlier than when started, and it only started after DeRo took a knock.

Bekker was one goal away from silencing critics and nearly had it... What is with the turf? It looks all spongy and fragile. Perhaps the break will allow the grass to finally root... The lack of Bradley must have meant instituting a 'no-play-through-the-centre-of-the-park' policy. A little disturbing resorting to the wings when attacking from the back... Where the hell did the sun go?... After the home opener buzz, it was back to square one as many supporters opted not to make it for the kick-off... I'm still not sure about Gilberto. He probably is the goods, but I just haven't seen conclusive evidence. I want him to deliver... Secretly hoped for DeRo to bag one. He kinda needs one. Or at least set one up.

Player Ratings : Julio Cesar 6.5, Bloom 7 [Hamilton N/A], Orr 6.5, Caldwell 7, Morrow 7, Jackson 7.5, Bekker 6.5, Hall 5.5, Issey 6.5, Gilberto 6.5, De Rosario 6 [Weideman 6]

@ignirtoq can't figure out where the time has gone. He knows this is late, but he was working on the Vocal Minority podcast, which is also up now. He will probably take a nap or two today.

THE MATCHUP: Smile High City

Feeling the good vibes dude

 

TORONTO VS. COLORADO
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Faced with a lingering injury list, can TFC overcome their shortcomings with second-stringers twice in a row?
- Who gets sent back to the bench despite strong performances against Columbus?
- Now that marijuana is pretty much legal in Colorado, are the Rapids less "rapid"?
- Can BMO Field start to earn a fortress reputation?
- Has the late arrival of spring helped that pitch?
- Can Gilberto lead the Defoe-Free strike force and open his TFC account?
- Can a 4 and 1 Toronto FC actually exist in nature or will a victory cause BMO Field to implode in on itself in a supernova?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Passpasspuff"

THE DUEL:
Alvaro Rey vs. Jose Mari

WHO ARE YA?
This weekend will be our first look at Colorado Rapids since their home state put some of North America's most liberal marijuana laws into effect. Despite concerns from conservative naysayers, the sky hasn't fallen in the Rocky Mountain State but there have been some minor changes at Rapids matches.

Kick-offs are now listed as "whenever it feels right man"; halftime is now an hour long to take naps into consideration; Rapids' four mascots pretty much just tell each other inside jokes all day; ZigZag is lined up to become the club's first shirt sponsor; there is pressure from fans to trade for Kyle Beckerman; and, nacho sales have skyrocketed.

Otherwise, no change.

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
April 19th, 2010 - New TFC midfielder Nick LaBrocca misses two matches after being made to file all of his teammate's taxes because "he looked like an accountant".

 

THE STARTING 11: Derogatory nicknames Americans call Michael Bradley

He's got no hair but we don't care...



In four matches he has vaulted easily to become one of MLS' premier players. There is an argument that he is CONCACAF's finest talent at the moment. He carries the USA's World Cup hopes to Brazil on his shoulders this summer. He plays in Canada. What a conundrum for our mega-patriotic friends to the south! They love Michael Bradley when he suits up for the U, S and the A but feel the need to vent at him over the audacity to choose to play in Soviet Canuckistan over a more freedom-filled franchise below the 49th. This love-hate relationship has made for some colourful language being thrown in Bradley's direction...

11. "Syrup-slurping Tackle-monkey"

10. "Benedict Headbutts Arnaud"

9. "The Bald Eagle Beaver"

8. "Backstabbing Backbacony Bonehead"

7. "Michael Bradl-Eh"

6. "Left-wing Pinko Gretzky Sympathizer"

5. "Molson-guzzling Igloo-renter"

4. "Healthcare-happy Hoser-hugger"

3. "America's Sticky Head Bandage"

2. "Lex Loser"

1. "Drake Dodger"

AFTER 90: TFC 2 Live-ly 4 Crew

"We lost to TFC?! Gimme some Colombian 'nose kibble'!"

 

COLUMBUS CREW - 0

TORONTO FC - 2
Michael Bradley - 11'
Issey Nakajima-Farran - 86'

　

WHAT WE EXPECTED: A really ugly affair with TFC forced to field a line-up of subs, kids and also-rans with a Columbus Steamroller (not a sex act - we presume) as the result.
WHAT WE GOT: Possibly the grittiest, hardest-working and unexpected TFC result in a long time. An inexperienced yet surprisingly composed back four and a midfield that stymied Columbus, holding them to wide crosses and long-distance attempts. Colour us impressed. And shocked.

THE GOOD:
- Dwayne De Rosario making himself a nuisance in the opening minutes (Now see BAD)
- Michael Bradley lifting teammates with half his skill to their best
- A defensive line that scrapped and fought but didn't lose their heads
- More than a few players claiming a stake for a starter's role

THE BAD:
- Watching Dwayne De Rosario's rapid aging manifest itself in physical shortcomings that take away from his skill set
- Another 2nd Half started on the back foot
- The massive drop-off in depth (Wiedeman and Hall) when injuries mount
- That 60th through 75th minute period. Squeaky. Bums.

THE MALARKEY:
- Down 1-0 at the half, Columbus to their credit resisted the temptation to start one of their famous scoreboard fires and postpone the match
- Sadly Crew supporters were not in the midst of their inventive and unique "USA! USA!" chant when Ultra-American General Michael Bradley stabbed them in the back. The irony would have been... so choice.
- Jackson and Crew Cat both leave Crew Stadium with the same ailment: distemper
- Aggravated with another match where he didn't see the pitch, the construction worker on the left side of Crew's badge has demanded a transfer

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 7 / Mark Bloom 6.5 / Bradley Orr 7 / Nick Hagglund 6.5 / Justin Morrow 7 / Jackson 6.5 / Michael Bradley 7.5 (SUB: '70 Jeremy Hall 5.5) / Kyle Bekker 6 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 78' Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Dwayne De Rosario 5 (SUB: 69' Issey Nakajima-Farran 7)/  Gilberto 6

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Bradley Orr

And... Since it was 2-0 Live vs Crew.. and... Since "We're like Crew Cat in heat, a team that is storming; We have an appetite for wins - 'Cause we've got Bradley..."

THE MATCHUP: "Hey You, The Not Red-dy for The Crew"

Yeah. No drugs there.



COLUMBUS VS. TORONTO

CREW STADIUM - SATURDAY 6PM ET

TV: SPORTNET 360

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Well apparently Columbus are our heated rivals. Apparently.

- Can TFC manage to look much different than TFC 2012 without the likes of Jermain Defoe, Steven Caldwell, Jonathan Osorio and (PENDING) out of the line-up?

- Is Ryan Nelsen able to juggle a starting eleven and change his tried and tested tactics to paper over the big challenges The Reds have this week?

- Which club will win the annual prize of the world’s supply of trillium seeds?

- Is DP Gilberto capable of spearheading an attack alone?

- Will Crew Cat be in one of his pussy stupors?

- Who the hell will start in the back four?!

- What noise does it make when tourists jump off a bandwagon?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The New Soft"

THE DUEL:

Steve Clark vs. Julio Cesar and/or

Crew Cat vs. His Demons

WHO ARE YA?

Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford may be an international laughing stock but has a surprising supporter in the form of Columbus celebrity - Crew Cat. The notorious MLS mascot bad boy has had more than his fair share of very public run-ins with the law and shared his kinship with the Toronto "mayor" with Ohio press this week.

"Look, them left-wing dog-owning commies up there in Toronto don't realize how lucky they is. Rob Ford is the single greatest civic leader since my former owner Marion Barry. Like me, Crew Cat, Robbie loves pullin' on that sweet glass kibble, has more than enough Crewzer Dancers to eat at home, loves pissing in public and has a whole litter of totally awesome party siblings..." (Crew Cat then paused for 20 minutes to tongue-bathe his genitals and make a call to someone named "Itchy Dave" about "his order")... "Also" Crew Cat continued "I have equally little patience for Nelson Mandela and Paralympians. Overrated. I'm Crew Cat and I approve this message."

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
April 5, 2008: Mo Johnston was informed by MLS Head Office that it was literally impossible to accept his trade offer for the three construction workers on Columbus Crew's badge despite his overly generous offer.

 

And... Since they already have sweet yellow shirts on...