THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC is trying to be more Brazilian

ARRR-GOOOOS!!!

 

Brazil! It's so hot right now! The nation that brought us the nut, flip-flops and modern pubic hair fashion is on everyone's lips. As hosts of the World Cup, this South American giant is under the global spotlight and our local club Toronto FC has noticed. Always an outfit looking to promote the crap out of something, The Reds plan a massive Brazilian makeover to cash in on the samba rhythms. No that's not the sound of wax ripping away from a hairy nether region - it's cash ripping our of wallets when TFC puts these Amazonian plans into fruition!

11. Maicon Santos to replace Jim Brennan in emergency addition to Wall of Honour

10. BMO Field security to unveil new carnival look with armoured thongs and flip-flops now part of uniforms

9. Gilberto to try this "goal-scoring" thing popular in Brazil

8. MLSE to purchase Liberty Village - turn into a favela

7. Andrew Wiedeman to entertain the crowd with giant comedy Ronaldinho teeth

6. "The De Ro... De Ro Cabana!"

5. Bitchy the Hawk replaced by Surly the Seven-Foot Anaconda

4. Joe Bendik roams around crying in a tiny towel

3. Bright Dike forced to drop one of his names

2. Argos to Maracana

1. Tim Leiweke? Smooth all over.



Smooth all over! TFC opts for the Brazilian # 1

Happy dance!

 

Seven years is long for any relationship. It feels even longer when it’s filled with turmoil and strife. But then you wake up on this most romantic of days, pull back the sheets and realize you got a surprise. Your love got a Brazilian for you!

That's right you little maniacs, TFC went to Uncle Harry's Erotic Goalkeeper shop in West London and rented themselves a fancy new goalkeeper in the form of Brazilian # 1 Julio Cesar. As reported... well everywhere... last week, the 34-year old Cesar joins The Reds on loan from Queens Park Rangers. But this is where it got extra smooth.

The widely held opinion was that his loan period would last until the World Cup. Notsofast. During today's press conference it was announced that Cesar will actually spend the entire MLS season on loan here (we assume barring QPR selling him in the summer). Keg Size Cesar!

Last season's TFC # 1 Joe Bendik is saying all the right things about learning under a world-class keeper and here's hoping his communication and distribution trick bags are complimented by a season under Cesar's reign. A long-term, post-2014 contract for Cesar and TFC may not be on the horizon but either way this deal puts the exclamation mark on the off-season of bloody big deals.

 

THE WORD: TFC to hail Cesar

"Oh hey there big boy..."

There was a classic LeiwekeLeaks moment yesterday when MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke told a private audience (some of whom had heard of Twitter and shockingly had phones) that TFC was looking at bringing in a "top 10" goalkeeper on loan. Best guesses at the likes of a Jack Butland etc. were met with a big "meh" by supporters. This morning that changed.
　
Reports on both sides of the Atlantic and even in that weird South Atlantic (what gives South Atlantic?) is that Brazilian # 1 keeper and current property of Queens Park Rangers, Julio Cesar, is headed to TFC on loan. On the surface, the reported deal is a short-term loan which would give the 34-year old Cesar a chance to get some match fitness before the World Cup - something not available to him at QPR right now. Anything beyond that would have to come down to some MLS salary funky bizniss.
　
There is a wee bit of hand-wringing in TFC circles that this move could upset the goalkeeping applecart at the club. With Stefan Frei jettisoned to Seattle, seemingly in favour of Joe Bendik, could the incumbent’s nose be put out of joint if he doesn't get to start until July? Possibly, but make no mistake, Julio Cesar is a major upgrade over Bendik who has a lot of learning to do before being considered anywhere near a top MLS keeper. A chance to train under an international with long stints at Flamengo and Inter Milan under his belt should be seen as a blessing. Et tu Bendik?
　
With Ryan Nelsen's QPR connection and TFC's sudden influence in London, this deal could be announced very soon. Whether Cesar's reign in Toronto is long or short, it definitely adds another interesting story to an already dramatic 2014. Will he come, see and conquer? Time will tell but it could be a lot of fun.
　

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Elmer packs a trunk
TFC's virulent Anti-Swiss campaign continued today as the club announced it had cruelly cut ties with superstar defender Jonas Elmer. Supporters were outraged at the news that sees a club legend dispatched so unceremoniously. How the club possibly attempts to fill the valuable minutes Elmer brought to the backline is anyone's guess.
　
Switzerland has three official languages:
Satire: satire (French) / satire (German) / satira (Italian)

Tim gets a Brazilian

"Canada is this way?"

 

You did it Drake! He started from the bottom (of the Brazilian league) now he's here!

After days of shameless public flirting at Raptors and Leafs games, TFC got a full Brazilian today with the signing of DP forward Gilberto. Or Gilberto Oliveira Souza Jr. when he is dining formally. The 24-year old joins TFC on a multiple year lucrative contract (we assume... MLS) as the club's "B" Option Designated Player with hopes that he will soon be partnered with his "A" game superior: JermainDefoeAlbertoGilardinoGeorgiosSamaras.

The native of Piranhas (PIRANHAS!!!) is coming off his breakout season in Brazil, scoring 13 goals for Portuguesa while on loan from his parent club Internacional. Now before you get your Brazilian thong in a twist as to why he was on loan - he failed to dislodge Leandro Damiao and some dude named Diego Forlan for a starter's role. Nowt to be ashamed of there.

That being said, Gilberto isn't exactly one of Brazil's glamour players and only really has just over a year of top-flight football under his belt. Some would see that as a less than glowing resume to garner a DP contract but The Reds feel they have a potential MLS star in the making.

Scouting reports from his homeland are maybe not as quite bedazzling where he is considered a poacher with some great right-footed power but so far lacks the skills to be a back-to-goal type guy. At 5-foot 10 he will not be much of an aerial threat nor is he tremendously physical which would make a prospective partnership with the likes of Jermain Defoe a bit easy to push around.

But alas, aside from that YouTube goal, few here can claim to watch many Portuguesa fixtures and playing in MLS is a different beast either way. Gilberto will be given more than enough opportunity to sink or swim at TFC and is only 38 minutes away from being more successful than Maxi Urruti. The proof will be on the pitch but off of it, TFC 8.0 is in full swing.

Giving TFC a Brazilian

Well, the MLS International transfer window has passed on the Lake Ontario breeze once again with only a Fellinga to show for it. While its never a good policy to buy someone just because they are foreign (see Welsh, Tebily, Robert, Ruiz etc.), Toronto is a multicultural place and the fans do like to see that global flair. The team has recently brought in some young Gambians who are showing promise and the aforementioned "Haitian Creation" but still no big "out-of-MLS" International signing since Rohan Ricketts. Wait...perhaps that's why.

Pity poor, hard-working Mo Johnston. He takes his annual trip to Brazil but just can't seem to find any players out of the thousands there! Forgive the humble Scotsman though - it's hard to cultivate a new two-year extension and actually sign players. He has so much on his plate: keeping the MLSE board smiling with a tiny payroll; pretending to sign DP-esque players; holding press conferences where he mumbles clichés; oh, and don't forget his enlightening GOL-TV appearances! A top-notch football executive who we need to help.

With that in mind, we offer our help in the re-branding of TFC with the Brazilian flair that MLSE would love to promote, while saving the money that MLSE would love to save! So here, in time for the playoff push is the new Brazilian version of The Reds. Now go have a nap Mo, we'll take it from here - rest your hand for the signing of the new contract. MLSE...start printing the shirts.

Team Name: FUTBOL CLUB TORONTO
Stadium: EL STADIO BMOROCANA

Manager (Chris Cummins) - CUNGA

GK (Stefan Frei) - SWITZAO
D (Adrian Serioux) - ADRIANEAUX
D (Nick Garcia) - SANJOSITO
D (Emmanuel Gomez) - GAMBIO
D (Nana Attakora) - NENE
M (Jim Brennan) - CANADESE
M (Sam Cronin) - CRONOLOGICO
M (Carl Robison) - ROBINSON CARLOS
M (Pablo Vitti) - NOGOLASIMO
M (Amado Guevara) - CHE
M (Dwayne De Rosario) - DE ROMARIO
F (Danny Dichio) - DANIDINIHO
F (Ali Gerba) - ALI GAO
F (O'Brian White) - O'BRIGADO
F (Chad Barrett) - CACA