Smooth all over! TFC opts for the Brazilian # 1

Happy dance!

 

Seven years is long for any relationship. It feels even longer when it’s filled with turmoil and strife. But then you wake up on this most romantic of days, pull back the sheets and realize you got a surprise. Your love got a Brazilian for you!

That's right you little maniacs, TFC went to Uncle Harry's Erotic Goalkeeper shop in West London and rented themselves a fancy new goalkeeper in the form of Brazilian # 1 Julio Cesar. As reported... well everywhere... last week, the 34-year old Cesar joins The Reds on loan from Queens Park Rangers. But this is where it got extra smooth.

The widely held opinion was that his loan period would last until the World Cup. Notsofast. During today's press conference it was announced that Cesar will actually spend the entire MLS season on loan here (we assume barring QPR selling him in the summer). Keg Size Cesar!

Last season's TFC # 1 Joe Bendik is saying all the right things about learning under a world-class keeper and here's hoping his communication and distribution trick bags are complimented by a season under Cesar's reign. A long-term, post-2014 contract for Cesar and TFC may not be on the horizon but either way this deal puts the exclamation mark on the off-season of bloody big deals.

 

THE WORD: TFC to hail Cesar

"Oh hey there big boy..."

There was a classic LeiwekeLeaks moment yesterday when MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke told a private audience (some of whom had heard of Twitter and shockingly had phones) that TFC was looking at bringing in a "top 10" goalkeeper on loan. Best guesses at the likes of a Jack Butland etc. were met with a big "meh" by supporters. This morning that changed.
　
Reports on both sides of the Atlantic and even in that weird South Atlantic (what gives South Atlantic?) is that Brazilian # 1 keeper and current property of Queens Park Rangers, Julio Cesar, is headed to TFC on loan. On the surface, the reported deal is a short-term loan which would give the 34-year old Cesar a chance to get some match fitness before the World Cup - something not available to him at QPR right now. Anything beyond that would have to come down to some MLS salary funky bizniss.
　
There is a wee bit of hand-wringing in TFC circles that this move could upset the goalkeeping applecart at the club. With Stefan Frei jettisoned to Seattle, seemingly in favour of Joe Bendik, could the incumbent’s nose be put out of joint if he doesn't get to start until July? Possibly, but make no mistake, Julio Cesar is a major upgrade over Bendik who has a lot of learning to do before being considered anywhere near a top MLS keeper. A chance to train under an international with long stints at Flamengo and Inter Milan under his belt should be seen as a blessing. Et tu Bendik?
　
With Ryan Nelsen's QPR connection and TFC's sudden influence in London, this deal could be announced very soon. Whether Cesar's reign in Toronto is long or short, it definitely adds another interesting story to an already dramatic 2014. Will he come, see and conquer? Time will tell but it could be a lot of fun.
　

LETTERS FROM CAMP: Elmer packs a trunk
TFC's virulent Anti-Swiss campaign continued today as the club announced it had cruelly cut ties with superstar defender Jonas Elmer. Supporters were outraged at the news that sees a club legend dispatched so unceremoniously. How the club possibly attempts to fill the valuable minutes Elmer brought to the backline is anyone's guess.
　
Switzerland has three official languages:
Satire: satire (French) / satire (German) / satira (Italian)

"Wait until I get you a loan..." Reds bag another cast-off as Ben Haim joins TFC

Ben Haim: Loan boy



If it's Thursday that must mean another temporary signing from the bargain bin of English football. In their attempt to become the QPR of MLS (at least until June 30th) TFC has added Israeli International defender Tal Ben Haim... wait for it... on loan.
　
According to Kevin "The Loan Arranger" Payne "Tal Ben Haim has been one of the top defenders in the EPL for nearly a decade". According to everybody else, Ben Haim has played on seven clubs in the last decade and has exactly ten first team appearances since 2010. So pretty much samesies. Managing a whole three league appearances on a QPR team that plummeted to the depths of relegation this year, it must have been a wrenching decision for Harry Redknapp to let such an important jewel depart.
　
We're no mathematicians here at The Yorkies but by our calculations, Toronto FC is now made up of 78% loan signings. On June 30th when they expire we should be left with Reggie Lambe, Logan Emory and Jim Brennan. Fact*. (*Not a fact)
　
If this article seems ridiculous and exasperated it is because we are a bit exasperated and the news is a bit ridiculous. We are well aware of TFC's many, many, MANY shortcomings but how are the constant additions of temporary Band-Aids (of the slow veteran or misfit variety) in any way building this club for the future? What preparations for 2014 are actually taking place when a big portion of your first team isn't scheduled to be here in July 2013?
　
The other side of the rent-a-player equation is the knock-on effect on the actual players on full contracts. The acquisitions of Ben Haim and Steven Caldwell before him are an obvious shot across Danny Califf's tattooed bow. TFC's defence has indeed been porous, flaccid and in need of help but how a set of temporary cast-offs from England's nether regions helps that in the long-term is way beyond us. As usual, the constant at TFC is change.

Corey Haim: Lost Boy

It's not quite Business Time - The cons and pros of hiring a tardy Kiwi

"No worries mate, when I'm not here - this ball is in charge."



Maybe the Australians were right all along. "Never trust a motherfilippn' New Zealander" they will tell you. They will also tell you a lot of things about scampi, Paul Hogan and Foster's Lager though - so who can you trust? Well, we know what side of the barbie Kevin Payne stands on as he has entrusted the future of TFC to "The Man from the Land Down Under (and slightly to the right)" - Ryan Nelsen.
　
It's a day after the "TFC Major Announcement (TM)" and the shockwaves are still reverberating. What should have been a day for looking forward at TFC was of course hijacked by the news that Nelsen is still under contract with relegation-strugglers QPR and may have to see out the end of his terms - seemingly through mid-May. While the QPR angle is still a moving story (moving around Harry Redknapp's wheeler-dealer orbit) locals seem split on the good, the bad and the Kiwi of an absentee manager. With the '13 season upon us we look at 13 cons and pros (some serious, many not. It's us guys. And backwards - Southern Hemisphere stylee) of having a late, hopefully great, TFC manager.
　
THE CONS aka "The future is All Black"
- The timing of the hiring and Nelsen's status will leave many sceptics always believing that Paul Mariner should have been given his "full off-season" to prove himself
- The delay will let other MLS clubs get their greasy paws all over the league's finest Oceania-based stars. Like... um... Andrew Boyens
- We're starting to make Roman Abramovich look downright patient
- The inexperienced Nelsen CV and lack of panic at his new manager's prospective absence could give weight to the D.C.-formed criticism of Kevin Payne that he likes puppeteer-like control over his managers
- After going back to his defending duties at QPR, Nelsen could be in mid-season relegation form just in time to take over a club that should have been relegated 5 times.
- A potential four-month absence gives MLSE time to hire and fire managers 9, 10, 11 and 12
- By missing training camp, Nelsen will lose the chance to build a personal bond with his new players making his arrival akin to a mid-season hiring carrying all of the "getting to know the new manager" excuses and baggage with it
- Forced to wait until summer for more of Nelsen's hilarious "Nelly the Rapper" jokes. Comedy gold.
- May not be in town for TFC to take promotional advantage of "ANZAC Day at BMO Field"
- Could possibly arrive just as the summer transfer window gets set to open adding to the tumult of change and new faces
- Having to wait before unveiling our "IT'S BUSINESS TIME" banner
- Late or not, there is a dearth of professional coaching experience on TFC's bench
- The All Black 3rd kit is on hold
　
THE PROS aka "Everything will be All White"
- If Kevin Payne truly had no faith in Paul Mariner going forward then starting the season with him as a lame duck manager would have been equally, if not more, damaging to the club
- Moving too quickly from misery to hope would have had a dangerous "cold turkey" effect on TFC supporters
- Gives fans plenty of time to study up on New Zealish (we know) facts and culture as well as working on terrible accents for chanting
- Even in the event that Mariner was retained longer - it should be obvious now that final player acquisition and draft pick decisions going forward rest solely with Kevin Payne
- You can now legally use the hashtag #YouGotNelsened in Toronto if you decide to show up 4 months late for something
- "A Kiwi and an Irishman walk into a bar. Toronto FC." is a top joke.
- Make no bones about it - TFC VII is not about the first 3 months of results. Playoffs would be lovely but this season is about preparing for 2014. After six years - three more months ain't gonna kill us.
- Instead of annoying "Nelsen Out" vibe - we will be treated to warming "Nelsen In" chants
- Earl Cochrane gets the opportunity of a lifetime - the chance to "wheel-and-deal" with Harry Redknapp over Nelsen's release
- After years of shady backroom throat-cutting and subterfuge, isn't it nice to have a manager that is so wanted and backed by his president (even if you buy into the puppet conspiracy) that he would wait four months to have him?
- We totally made Montreal Impact's new manager unveiling look dull as l'eau de vaisselle
- A solid benevolent dictator is running this club now. After years of an octopus with no head in charge, Kevin Payne has let it be known that the buck stops with him. Arrogant? Maybe? Responsible? Absolutely.
- Maybe after four long months, locals and especially Toronto media will learn that it isn't spelled "NELSON" but "NELSEN"

Coming Soon to a South Stand near you...

Toronto FC Manager Introduction VIII: A Manager Too Far

"So you want a manager? I've got a deal for ya"

It seems like just yesterday we were gathered round the old wireless to meet the fearless new leader of our hometown Eff Cee's. Comforting and inspiring words like "change" "winning culture" and "positive atmosphere" still waft on the breeze between the BMO Field Press Room and the chip butty stand. Why it's almost become a treasured tradition in our corner of the football world - the Toronto FC Managerial Change (TM)... insert angel harps... now!
　
The Japanese managerial mutant monster that is Mocarvercumreki-Dasowintiner has been dispatched into the depths of Lake Ontario by the cold, steely ray gun of Kevin Payne and a new hero is set to be unleashed. No, it ain't Mothra - it's a giant Kiwi in the form of Ryan Nelsen. With a good solid few days past since his playing career ended, the most rookiest of all our rookie managers was unveiled today. Now we know that a full text transcript of a press conference is what you sadists crave - but you'll just have to do with our highlights and suffer through the linked TFC TV coverage later. Save us MegaKiwi!
　
Here's all you really need to know (now in handy point-form)
　
- Ryan Nelsen introduced as new head coach and Fran O'Leary as his assistant and also something called "Director of Recruitment"
- Kevin Payne calls it a "new era"; claims that Ryan Nelsen has "better leadership qualities than any professional athlete (Payne) has ever been around"; paints Nelsen as some type of childhood managerial prodigy who was born to coach
- Ryan Nelsen calls TFC's support and management "a shining light"
- Does indeed sound like a Flight of the Conchords character
- Fran O'Leary loves to call Nelsen "Nelly" a lot
- Kevin Payne asked if there were other candidates. Answer: "No."; He also apparently keeps a mental filing cabinet; Payne adds that Nelsen and him have discussed this move for 10 years.
- Nelsen claims tactics will match "the shining light" of TFC (sounding a bit culty). Team will "never give up, never fall over, never die.
- Ryan Nelsen is still under contract with QPR
- Wait?... What was that?
- KA-PLOOOOOOOEY!!!!!!!!!
- Everything else becomes random mumbling for the remainder of the conference as everyone tries to digest the fact that Toronto FC have hired the first ever Player/Manager who just happens to play for another team. In another league. On another continent.
- Shining light.
　
So there you have it. What will truly go down as the absolute strangest of all eight of TFC's managerial coronations. A very personable and optimistic young new manager backed by an extremely assured president. The fact that the new manager can't, you know... be with the team until Uncle 'Arry Redknapp says so... are just minor details.

No we are not down on this deal (honest), we are not pining for Paul Mariner (really honest)... but wow. Slow clap to TFC for taking the cray-cray to new heights. We'll talk more about this when our collective heads stop shaking.
　
Catch the weirdest conference ever on TFC TV here...