THE STARTING 11: Reasons Toronto fans left the MLS Cup early

Extra Time is just about to kick-off...

Poor, poor Toronto FC supporters. As if we don't have to put up with enough from our Goat-god worshipping, panda-eating, Cochrane-promoting ownership... today we're getting it in the ear from our MLS supporter rivals from around the continent!. Our fabled and over-marketed "BMO Field atmosphere" didn't live up to its own hype during last night's Cup Final with a mixture of apathetic crowds, empty seats and a mass exodus well before the 90th minute. Locally we know that supporters have been used and abused by ML$E and that had much to do with the lacklustre turn-out (so enough of your lip North America... you don't know our pain! Single tear) but there were still other reasons Torontonians headed for the exits early...
　
11. They stopped selling beer in the 75th minute... duh!
　
10. Had tickets for the 11PM showing of Harry Potter
　
9. Insulted that away supporters didn't know "The Dichio Song"
　
8. Thought there was a spontaneous 83rd minute walk-out to protest against ML$E

7. Stood up to get on TSN2's cameras so I could seen by dozens across Canada
　
6. Was sure that I bought tickets for Avalanche vs. Stars
　
5. I came. I gave Jeff Cunningham the finger. I left.
　
4. Only bought tickets to hear Garber's halftime interview
　
3. Chip Buttys only have a 68 minute shelf-life
　
2. No buffet car on the 11PM GO Train
　
1. Could no longer feel own ass

Buffet Car is in carriage 5. Try the salmon... exquisite!

AFTER 90: Canadian Rocky Mountain High - MLS Cup Final 2010 Special Edition

Well it felt that way!

COLORADO RAPIDS 2 - FC DALLAS 1 (ET)
MLS Cup Final
　
After all the bluster in the weeks leading up to tonight's MLS Cup Final about possible fan boycotts and fears of an empty BMO Field, only bedtime ruined the night. A healthy-sized if muted (for BMO Field standards) crowd did end up attending the match but Major League Soccer's ridiculous scheduling on a late Sunday night killed what atmosphere there may have been. When the players so rudely decided to play extra time, a good chunk of the crowd decided not to join them.
　
It's a shame too. The match, which turned out to be very entertaining for the neutral, should have been enjoyed on Saturday or Sunday afternoon without the rush to get home for work or school in the morning nor fighting the freezing night temperatures. For two of the league's least "glamorous" clubs, Colorado and Dallas put up a good fight with both of their star players, Conor Casey and league MVP David Ferreira grabbing goals. A nicely wrapped 90 minute package would have been ideal but neutral supporters can't be expected to put up with conditions that were created by care for media outlets, NFL schedules and advertising revenue before fans. The league must fix this for future success.
　
Sadly, the on-field result came down to an own-goal mistake by FC Dallas' George John. The least they could have done was penalty kicks for the hardcores who stuck it out to the end. How rude of our visitors! In the end, Toronto's turn to host the MLS Cup Final will be a mere apathetic blip in MLS history. We could hold out hope that future league playoffs will turn out better but league commissioner Don Garber laid out plans for a ridiculous sound expanded playoff structure. "Great" said future TFC GM Earl Cochrane - "my job just got easier!"
　
Congrats to Rapids (despite your Arsenal leanings) and come back again to both sets of terrific sets of travelling supporters. Sorry about the frostbite. Hope you like the Butty.
　
MAN OF THE MATCH: Conor Casey (COL)
GOAT OF THE MATCH: George John (FCD)
　
MATCH IN FIVE WORDS: Long. Cold. Early GO Train.
　
SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: "10 TEAM PLAYOFFS IN 2011 - TFC RE-SIGNS GARCIA"
　
TOTALLY FAKE POST-MATCH QUOTE: "H-h-h-ow d-d-d-do you p-p-p-eople live in th-th-th-these c-c-c-conditions?" - Jose, travelling (and chilly) FC Dallas supporter

Wynne: Congrats to a class act

THE MATCHUP: On the outside looking in... MLS Cup Final Toronto 2010 Special Edition

The word "Toronto" near a trophy... so rare!

COLORADO RAPIDS VS. FC DALLAS
　
BMO FIELD - SUNDAY 8:30 PM ET
TV: TSN2 (VARIOUS NORTH AMERICAN NETWORKS)
　
Back in those glorious, successful Mo Johnston-led years, Toronto FC owners, Maple Leaf Sports & "Entertainment", promised to bring a championship to the city within their famous "five-year plan". Well, they did it... and with a year left on the plan! The fact that TFC aren't anywhere near the Cup Final is a minor detail they'd rather us not mention.
　
Yes, The Bay Street Monopoly Tycoons persuaded Major League Soccer to hold their biggest match in Toronto... in late November... with dollar signs flashing in their eyes. At that time, TFC-fever meant that ML$E could put a red shirt on a monkey and charge $200 dollars but a disastrous 2010 season followed by gluttonous ticket price increases meant that MLS Cup interest disappeared in the city. On this realization of course, ML$E "gifted" the tickets on top of 2011 Season Ticket prices thus creating fan anger which has further fuelled local animosity towards the match. Sunday evening's 0 Degree Celsius weather forecast is just the karma cherry on top.
　
ML$E of course prayed to whatever secret sun/goat god they worship for a New York v LA final but alas they were "re-gifted" with the least glamourous final in MLS history. While the match may indeed turn out to be entertaining and will crown a first-time champion, it did nothing to create any "Cup Fever". In Toronto, the apathy is palpable and you get the feeling that ML$E would rather the whole potentially embarrassing event would just go away. Planned "fan events" and celebrations have been muted at best and Monday can't seem to come quick enough. Of course, that means ML$E must once again pretend to prepare for TFC to be in next year's final. But they'd rather we don't mention that either.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Forced To Be Here Cup"
　
BURGUNDY BOREDOM: Conor Casey, Pablo Mastroeni, Marvell Wynne
FC DULL-ASSED: Kevin Hartman, Brek Shea, David Ferriera　

THE ODDS:
- Don Garber wondering aloud "where the league's best fans are?": 5-1
- Players succumbing to frostbite related injuries: 3-1
- ML$E still managing to make a massive profit: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Sunday's match may be the coldest cup final since Dynamo Iqaluit beat Alert Wednesday in the 1992 Inuit Champions League Final
- BMO Field is preparing for the expected rush of visiting Colorado and Dallas supporters with 9 extra folding chairs on order
- ML$E are training their employees to keep Toronto FC supporters as far from the MLS Cup as possible, in order to keep expectations in check for 2011
　
RAPIDS FANS SAY: 2-1 Colorado
FC DALLAS FANS SAY: Huh? We have a soccer team? 14-10 Texas?
HEADLINE: "MLS CUP IN TORONTO... APPARENTLY"

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Vierzehn - What is this Wendelclaärk?

8:45 AM: Oh mein Gott! Have slept late! Forgot to programmen der awaken siren. It was the mistake to stay up and watch hilarious German komedy film "This Marriage Has Broken My Soul". Must arise schnell! Where are meine underlederhosen?
　
8:55 AM: Mein SchwarzBerry is full of texten messages from FC Toronto Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Keep forgetting about der time zonen difference! Dummkopf! WIll tend to der business but must feed beloved kitty kat Karl-Heinz first.
　
9 AM: Breakfast: Liberate herring and pickled beet omelette from plate. French cuisine made superior with der German ingredient occupation. Milk moustachen makes me look like old Rudi Völler!
　
10 AM: Great Beckenbauer's Ghostën! Another texten message from Herr Anselmi! Eagerly wants me to attenden zie MajorLiga Soccer Cup FInal in Toronto. Says ticket sales are "in the toilet". Why ist the tickets in der toilette? Dass is why Bee Moe Stadt will be empty? Was that ein German toilette joke? Kanadian humour escapes my reach.
　
10:30 AM: Need to relax. Hausefrau to give me seaweed und saurkraut massage followed by three minutes reminder that I am a disappointment to my father. Why vater why? Ready for the day.
　
11:30 AM: Talk to Maple Leaf Sportlich und Underhaltung Chancellor Anselmi and Kommandant Beirne for lengthy duration. I ask how they want FC Toronto to play like? They answer “like eis hockey Maple Leaves.” What ist der philosophy you want I say? They say “heart and der grit... like eis hockey.” I say was ist der player you would like? They say something like “der Wendelclaärk or Der Duggy!” Was ist der Wendelclaärk und Duggy? It is Kanadian machine for the excavation? Ich bin confused! I tell them I must call back later. Their idiocy has become tiresome and they have brought great darkness to my cheerful Bavarian personality.
　
11:45 AM: Nackt Yoga.
　
11:55 AM: Polizei knock on door. Complaint from neighbour due to Nackt Yoga.
　
1 PM: Lunch: Have retreated from plans to invade last evening's leftover Blood Sausage. Instead open can of German favorit "Chef Boy-är-Dieter" Noodle & Liverwurst flavor. Eat out of can und watch German satellite TV show "Late Night mit Gerd Müller" mit special guest Run Lola Runfrau.
　
3 PM: Call back Kanada. Interrupt MLEssen meeting. Herr Anselmi says not to worry - secret virgin ritual can wait for later. He asks if I have made new TFC philosophy. I tell him dass I am thinking FC Toronto should emulate style of 1990's Borussia Dortmund. There was long silence on telefon. I think I am hearing Herr Anselmi whispering - something, something "like leafenraptors" something, something "cheapest available" then I think I am hearing a goat... then something "Kokrane und Jimmy Bee" and then "replace him mit Dichio in July". Then Anselmi came back on der telefon and says "Great Jürgen, this Russian Door Mound Style sounds terrific. Our board will look it over and choose what works in this hard-nosed, low-on-talent but high-on-grit style you chose." I start yelling that “dies ist not what I say” but the telefon went dead.
　
5 PM: Have been sitting with Karl-Heinz in die dark. Was jüst happened? Why did Herr Anselmi not understand me? Is it mein poor Kanadian Englische? Why does he want all players on der klub to have das handlebar moustachen?
　
6 PM: Herr Anselmi texten again - really wants me at MajorLiga Pokal Final. I say “who is playing?” He answers "Colorado Rockies und Texas". Told him I must be in Vegas with Teddy Sheringham that night... and washing mein hair.
　
8 PM: The Dinner: Today's meeting angered mein appetite. Only eat 5 bratwürst, 2 pork schnitzel and barely touched mein potato & eel salat. Defeat is upon me.
　
8:30 PM: Time for "CSI: Frankfurt"
　
9:30 PM: Erotische Zeit
　
10:30 PM: It has been scheisse day! Something is rotten in Düsseldorf! Am I not das konsültant? Am I jüst der ticket monkey? This cannot be - I am World Cup legend! I want to fixen FC Toronto but was ist “the Anaheim Ducks method”? Today is boring me. Kraftwerk's Greatest Hits and Ovaltine mit Jagermeister will bring end to my dark day.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No moustachen was handlebarred in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

THE STARTING 11: ML$E promotional slogans for the MLS Cup Final

Hope those are thermal gold jumpsuits ladies

Oh sweet, sweet karma. When ML$E first decided to lobby Major League Soccer to host this year's Cup Final, the golden goose known as Toronto FC was still honking majestically. Anselmi & Co. thought that they could sell any "soccer" game at BMO Field and those wacky immigrant TFC supporters would just snap up tickets. Then 2010 happened. ML$E in all of its wisdom let TFC slide into oblivion and once it was obvious that The Reds wouldn't be anywhere near the playoffs - desire to watch MLS Cup diminished. ML$E's answer was to panic and force feed their "valued" season ticket holders unwanted Cup tickets, but when two of the league's most boring clubs qualified for the final, clubs who struggle to find home supporters, the selling job for remaining seats got that much harder...
　
11. "Told you we'd bring the Cup to Toronto!"
　
10. "Ticket: $75. Windchill: -10C. Frostbite: Priceless."
　
9. "Watch Marvell Win!"
　
8. "Like the Super Bowl - without pesky crowds!"
　
7. "Please... don't embarrass us in front of Don Garber"
　
6. "Come party with all 13 Away Supporters!"
　
5. "Let's show MLS how to put chips on bread!"
　
4. "Be a part of history... the lowest attended final ever"
　
3. "Did you hear what Colorado said about your mother?"
　
2. "Did we mention Jürgen Klinsmann yet?"
　
1. "2 Bores 1 Cup"

THE STARTING 11: Side effects of hosting the 2010 MLS Cup

--"No it's not the NASL team... it's the November weather forecast"

“The Don” made Toronto an offer it couldn't refuse. Before the shiny new grass has even settled at BMO Field, MLS Commissioner Don Garber visited town to announce that T.O. will host the MLS Cup Final this year. Yes, on November 21st, as the tropical winter breeze blows in off Lake Ontario, 22 men in shorts will jump up and down ,desperately trying not to get frostbite on their Red Bulls. It's another good opportunity for TFC to show why they are the model "economic" franchise (as opposed to model winning club) as well as showcase the city, but there are a few other effects hosting the cup will have...
　
11. Landon Donovan gets to play an elf in Toronto's Santa Claus Parade
　
10. "Bitchy" the BMO Field Hawk to get tiny toque
　
9. MLSE to claim "they successfully brought a championship team to Toronto" - no one said it had to be TFC
　
8. Good chance a goalkeeper will get his tongue stuck to goalpost
　
7. Toronto newspapers forced to run full page articles explaining what "Championship Games" are to Torontonians.
　
6. Don Garber gets to live in the CN Tower for two weeks
　
5. Danny Dichio to be frozen in carbonite during halftime show
　
4. The game will mark the best opportunity Mo Johnston has to being that close to a trophy again
　
3. Finally, a chance to get Americans hooked on Chip Buttys
　
2. Football chants to be replaced by 21,000 rhythmic chattering teeth
　
1. $9 Frozen Beer

------------------------"Oooooh, Frozen Dich-io!"