Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day 75 - Auf wiedersehen Toronto, Kanada

7 AM: Departing on zie early morgen flight form LAX flughafen to der Toronto, Kanada Baron Lester V. Pearson flughafen. Today ist finale wrap-up address with FC Toronto staffen under strict direction of Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Will not be saddened over loss of Luft Kanada Airlines. Ist like riding on das Wuppertal Suspended Railway for hours in sky - but mit worse föod und more eishockey dokümentary.
　
8:30 AM: No timen for die hearty breakfast before departure so I bring mein special "Stuttgart Sunrise" Pöwer Shaken in mein onboard lüggagetrunken. I request a bendy straw from die sexy luft waitress but she claims there is no bendy straws on die aircraft. Schiesse! "Lies, lies, lies!" I yell - but mein anger falls on deaf Kanadian ears. I am forced to drink Pöwer Shaken (lingenberry, limes, herring, horseradish und marzipan) from die Tüpperware cup like some kinderdumkopf! Herr across aisle turns up nose at mein shaken, I tell him to “chill out dude!”
　
10 AM: Lose patience mit in-flighten audiovisual system. Vas ist die “Corner Petroleum” programmen? Ee ist neither humourous nor edukational auf role of petroleum prices und their residual effekt on der Western ekonömy! Thankful that I uploaden zie latest German slapstick komedy filmen “Your Family Never Loved You”. Hilarity.
　
3 PM (Kanada Timen): Toronto is colder than der embrace of Lothar Matthäus. Temperature effects my nether region in der adverse way.
　
3:30 PM: In transit to MLS und E secret bunker. I asken mein driver, Nick Garcia, to stoppen so I can try famous Toronto strasse frankfurter, or as is called in Kanada “Der Street Meat”. After one bite I throw this strassemeat on der pavement. Dies ist disgrace to the City of Frankfurt! Und I spillen die relish on mein loafer! Schiesse!
　
4 PM: Arriven at MLS und E bunker. Herr Anselmi willkommen me mit bundeshüg und tells der JimmyBee to get me the espresso. Der JimmyBee must have got der promotion as Herr Anselmi only refers to him as “Mr. Coffee”. I did not konsült such a personnel movement yet I think er ist perfekt for job! Herr Anselmi tells me all is happy mit TFC again and he is pleased mit my signing of “Jonathan Winters”. I correct him that it is Aron Winter but he rides away on die back of Earl of Cockrain and says “thanks for everything Jerry Klugman!”
　
4:30 PM: Texten message from olden freund Rudi Völler: Why must you hire die Nederlander für FC Toronto trainer?! You know how Rudi feels for zie Nederlander! Rudi spitten on your choice! Poor Rudi, always mit his moustachen in der knot!
　
4:45 PM: Before leaving der MLS und E bunker, JimmyBee... er Mr.Coffee und die Giant Dichio bring me der spëcial giften basket from Herr Anselmi as departing gift mit card attached saying "To Jerry... I don't care what The History Channel says, you German-types are fine by me! Heil soccer! T.A. & The gang!" Strange man. Giften basket is containing der following köntents: 1 satchel "Fancy Mixed Nuts"; Autograffen fotograf of eishockey legend Dan Daoust; 2 kilogram of pickled Cantonese panda meat; DVD box set of "Battle of the Blades - Season 2"; Der coupon for "One Free Crime of My Choice in the Greater Toronto Area"; a small creature in a cage mit direktion "Do Not Feed After Midnight"; XBox 360; jar full mit ground unicorn horn; der "Leafs Nation" tea towel; a platinum keycard mit wörds "Pleasure Chamber" engraved on one side; World War III sniper rifle; limited time Maple Leafs donut from Tim Horton’s; und finale... die map to “2012 Ark”.
　
6 PM: Say last auf wiedersehen to Toronto skyline und kiss to both cheeks of limo driver Nick Garcia. Tells me he is to return to Kalifornia to “work on his music”. Says we should “meet up for lunch”, I say “no danke”. Buy die maple syrup von Kanada in der Düty Free. Get texten message from Herr Anselmi before boarding Luft Kanada Airlines: Jerry - best if you don’t take that gift basket through customs LOL! Again - was ist die lol?
　
8 PM: Try to rest on flight back to LAX flughafen by watching iPäd foto slideshow of mein kitty kat best friend Karl-Heinz dressed as famous footballers of the 1980’s. Karl-Heinz as 1985 Peter Beardsley in der Newcastle kit is mein favorit! Watch die uploaded German night-time talk show “I Watch You Sleep mit Boris Becker" - special guest, a dog dressed as transvestite Ivan Lendl.
　
8:30 PM (Kalifornia Timen): Arrive at LAX flughafen. Immediately pulled aside by der Fatherland Security. I am thinking large man is wanting mein autograf but instead he says “is this gift basket yours sir?” Schiesse.
　
8:45 PM: Full body kävity search. Not entirely unpleasant.
　
9:00 PM: Fatherland Security man returns, says that he “didn’t know I was friends with Grand Elk Anselmi” und was free to leave.
　
9:15 PM: Last küstoms officer at LAX flughafen asken “Anything to declare?” - I answer “$400,000 dollars for three months work ist wunderbar!”


“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No dogs were dressed as tranvestite Ivan Lendl during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day 42 - We like to rock der pärty!

6:30 AM: Rising und shining early today. Must travel to Kanada for MLS und Ë Kristmassen Pärty for FC Toronto. Awaiting mein driver Franz for transport to Los Angeles Flughafen und flight to Toronto mit Luft Kanada Airlines - it is poor man's Lufthansa. Enough time for der bowl of München Muesli mit smoked herring und nackt yoga session.
　
8 AM: Franz delivered me to LAX Flughafen and we depart mit kiss to both cheeks. Say goodbye to mein precious kitty-kat friend Karl-Heinz who came for ride in mein luxury stretch Opel.
　
8:30 AM: Schiesse! LAX Flughafen crowded liken zie first day of Hannover Gherkin und Offal Meat Festival! Yankee security measures strict und invasive - excellent. Opt for full pat-down body search. Reminded of schöolboy days at Göppingen Schulefaktöry for Jungen Boy Education und Emotional Discipline. Thorough.
　
9:30 AM: Await boarding Luft Kanada fleugzeug, send texten message to Herr Anselmi und asken if I must bring gift to die pärty. Rapid reply from Anselmi before boarding - "At least 3 changes of clothes LOL!" Never ünderschtand das Kanadian humour. Wunderbar - stewardess looks like young Ursula Andress!
　
11 AM: Das turbulenz makes flight more unbearable than poor excuse of Luft Kanada "breakfast". Was ist die maple doughnutten?! Bumpy flight making muesli mit herring angry. In-flight televisual machine ist poor. Not enjoy das dokumentary on vater of eis hockey spieler Wäyne Gretzky nor programmen of Kanadian Mounted Polizei fighting zie crime in Chicago. Thankful I have download into mein iPäd hilarious new German gameshow "For Money, Your Wife und der Grizzly Bear". Must rest for pärty .
　
2 PM: Oh mein Gott! Awoke startled from strange aviation-based nightmären! Dreamt Luft Kanada piloten vas former Engerland international Teddy Sheringham und he put plane into nosedive into hot tub full of cottage cheese und honey while yelling "We have arrived in Sexy Town USA!" Startled und sweating! Stewardessfrau offer moist toweletten. Asken for "die exträ” but forgot I am not on zie Lufthansa.
　
7:30 PM (Kanada Time): Arriven das Toronto. Kustoms official asken if “I have anything to declare”. I reply “I have appeared in three World Cups, have studied the inner workings of the late Hapsburg Empire und am disarmingly handsome”. In arrival zone, FC Toronto sent limosuinaüto to transport me to pärty at MLS und E secret bunker. Driver ist unemployed hobo. He tells me he is footballer Nicholas Garcia. I say “never heard of it.”
　
8:30 PM: Car disappears under concrete building into der massive cavern. Two women painted in die göld lead me to elevatorschaft. Pass pool of choppy water. War dass a shark!? Get in elevator... why ist feeling like ist descending rapidly? How ist dies possible? After 10 minuten, elevatorschaft doors open to pärty... oh mein gott...
　
8:39 PM: Der dwarf dressed as astronaut gives me drink mit smoke raising from glass. Tastes liken zie mixture of gooseberry und burnt Deutschemarks!
　
8:50 PM: Herr Anselmi und Earl of Cockrain willkommen me to pärty. Why ist Anselmi dressed as Roman Emperor Nero und Earl wearing die scuba gear? Ist that peacock fighting der chimpanzee on die trämpoliner?
　
9:15 PM: Nackt women offer me fingerlich food from between her milchkännken! Mmm! Delikat! I tell der nacktfrau it taste like smoked knackwürst but she läffs and I think she says “it is from outer space”. My Kanadian Englische must not be gut. Dvayne Der Rozario is onstage rap musiking about der “gin and juice”. I feel most dizzy.
　
9:40 PM: I tell der JimmyBee we must talk of konsültantwerk und he looks at me und screams “I am the lizard king!” Man dressed as Englander Kaiser Henry VIII announced “anyone with golden tickets come to the virgin chamber!” Go to der bar in confusion. Tränsvestite in der construction hat makes cocktailen he/she calls “Sex With Panda On The Beach”
　
--:-- PM?: A monkey stole my wätch! It vas der Timex given to me by Otto Rehhagel! Ist das Danny Dichio nackt on der tiny pony?
　
--:-- PM?: Must sit. Find die chesterfieldsofa und lay down. Achtung! Sofa ist un fat man in die schwarz fullbödy lederhosen! Why ist Nick Dasovic holding das handgrenade?
　
--:-- AM?: Herr Anselmi ist covered in red syrup... I am hoping. A giant Japanese woman asken me if I have ever “seen der tiger mate mit der Chevrolet?”
　
--:-- AM?: Four tiny Julian der Guzmans ist singing Boney M in Batman mäsken! I have lost all sense of touch.
　
--:-- AM?: Nick LaBrocca ist offering tax advice to der goat when tall Aryan man says “I am here to save you Jürgen, take the blue pill if you want to live” I taken zie pill and say “who are you lang blönde stränger?” I drift to slumber. I think the man said “Father Jacob Peterso...”
　

9 AM: Woke from dream where Teddy Sheringham was spraying me mit water hose in golden bikini but in reality it was mein kitty kat Karl-Heinz licking mein nose. Wat! How did I get back to Kalifornia? Texten message from Herr Anselmi: Hope you had a good time at da party LOL! Where you at? It’s been 4 days? Oh mein Gott!
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No goat was given tax advice during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Thirtyfünf - Who ist mein Secret Santa?

8 AM: Awoken by hausfrau using der vacüumen pipe und kitty kat best friend Karl-Heinz gently licking mein face. Sweet fuzzy dude! Must arise, expecting interrogation from Kanadian televsie journalistiche Jërry Daubsen und his sidekicken, Ipswich Town legend Craig Blackforrest. Must remember to mock Blackforrest without mercy about mein many fussball goals put past him in der Engerlander Liga.
　
8:30 AM: Breakfast: Two sunshine-facing-upwards eggs flanked dutifully by a squadron of Mörningwürst sausage und Baltic herring pate. Hunger vanquished und sent into retreat with blast of schokolade milk.
　
9:15 AM: Texten from FC Toronto Chancellor Herr Anselmi: Hey Jurgy, just tell those Sportsnet goofs what they need to hear. Say a coach before Christmas - they'll run with it! Watch out for Forrest - he used to play the soccer too. Just use that famous German charm. btw - MLSE Christmas Party - be there! Girls, gold, pandas, illegal acrobats, human hunting, games for kids, "The Adult Egg Nog Room" - we're drawing for Secret Santa later, let you know. Big A... Was ist der Secret Santa?
　
10 AM: Wunderbar! Mein Bavarian Advent Kälendar has arrived from mein Uncle Dieter in Paderborn! Ooh I love zie Advent Kälendar but so diffikult not to jump ahead! Ok, I treat myself to erste window... Super! It’s a mini pickle in hörseradish! German Kristmassen is der best!
　
11:30 AM: Exhaustische! Finish der interview with zie Daubsen und Blackforrest. They ask “when will TFC get a coach?” so I say “I played in 3 World Cüppen!". They say "what is the new TFC philosophy" und I say "I have Franz Beckenbauer on speed-dial". Daubsen asken "what about rumours that Earl Cochrane will be GM?" und I reply "Rudi Völler is terrific dancer". Craig Blackforrest attempts to get tough and asken "why things are moving slowly?" so I say "like you moved slowly when my Tottenhäms put so many goals past you in der Ipswich?" I gave them both die SoccerSolutions tank-top and informed them that interview has ceased to exist. Pleasant yet tiring Kanadians.
　
11:45 AM: Ok, ok, sekunde Advent Kälendar window... Verwunderlich! Der tiny panzer tank made completely mit marzipan! Mmm!
　
12:30 PM: Texten from Herr Anselmi: Yo Jurgy... you got Danny Dichio in Secret Santa. Maybe buy him a wig! LOL! OMFG! Was in der world is LOLOMFG?... Didn't Lolomfg play for Feyenoord in der 70's? Does Kanada have Nederlander heritage?
　
1 PM: Lunch: American tradition has succumbed to superior German occupation. Make the traditional Yankee hamburger but on der Kaiser Wilhelm roll mit delicious goose liver patty und topped with radish, pickled beets und hot Oktoberfest müstard. Now that ist der Hamburger SV! Das. Ist. Gut.
　
2:30 PM: Emailen der Earl of Cockrain und der JimmyBee. Asken if we should talk regarding der MajorLiga Fussball Re-Entering Draft. Earl of Cockrain says "nothing an 'interim' Director can't handle - hahahahahaha interim!!!" I am not understanding die joke from Cockrain. JimmyBee was occupied at hair sälon.
　
3:00 PM: Resistance is futile! One more Advent window... Rötten! Plain schokolade almonds. This kälendar has brought great shame to der holiday season.
　
3:15 PM: Disappointment from almonds is palpable. Must return to holiday spirit. Watch # 1 German holiday komedy filmen "Kris Kringle and der Eternal Struggle of the Union Movement in Post-Industrial Ruhr Valley" Ahh, ich liebe the classic kartoons.
　
6:45 PM: Oh mein Gott! Fell to sleep on my chesterfieldsofa during filmen! Had die strangest dream! Teddy Sheringham was dressed like Kris Kringle but with nicht pantaloons nor ünderpantaloons! He was doing das erotische dancing while stealing from mein Advent Kälendar. I yelled "No Teddy No - not mein festive nuts!" then he turned around und where his bälle should have been was instead face of Bastian Schweinsteiger! Then my father appears and says "Jürgen you have soiled der liederhosen". Why vater why? I awoke with a yell and scared poor Karl-Heinz.
　
7 PM: I am swearing, dis ist mein last visit to Advent Kälendar... Fabelhaft! Joy has returned to the holidays! I pulled out der crystallized marrowfat kandy kane! Yümmy!
　
7:45 PM: The Dinner: I feel terrible shame. My uncontrollable desire to open der Advent windows has made a pre-emptive strike on mein appetite. I can barely vanquish die third bratwürst link before surrendering. Mein eyes wurden bigger than mein belly.
　
8:30 PM: Do interweben shopping on German webbensite "Giftstheymustloveorelse". Bought great giften for Secret Santa Danny Dichio - der hilarious Rudi Völler wig and moustachen kit. I will use my konsültantwerk powers to make sure he wears it on FC Toronto bench.
　
8:45 PM: Erotische Zeit.
　
10:15 PM: Marrowfat kandy kane is in ferocious battle with mein intestinal tract. Take special Bavarian homeopathic mixture of minced garlic, potato skins, tripe und hot cocoa for mein belly und go to bed early. Snuggle mit Karl-Heinz until sleep.
　
3:20 AM: Aaaa-chtung!!! Another nightmare! Giant marzipan Craig Blackforrest saved mein penalty kick then had a cuddle mit mein father while thousands of Teddy Sheringhams danced in bikini in der stands! Must quit kandy habit.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No ex-Ipswich keeper was scored upon in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Achtundzwanzig - Who is Roger Cäble?

7 AM: Wunderbar! I love der fresh und crisp Dezember mornings! Things are finally going in the direction I command. Must go forward! I will let nothing destroy my pleasant mood today - nichts!
　
7:15 AM: Strange texten message from Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto: "if Rogers callz u - just don't answer. Gave them your # by accident! LOL!" Again mit the LOL - was ist LOL? Liverwürst On Liverwürst? This texten has made my tum tum mumble mit hunger.
　
7:30 AM: Breakfast: Fridge is not full to mein specifications! Delivery from German interweben food merchant "You Will Eat This and Enjoy It" is late! Not a breakfast mackerel nor morning gherkin in der sight! Be cool Jürgy... must keep Kalifornien gut vibes going. Ironically eat liverwürst on liverwürst. Hunger driven into the sea.
　
9 AM: Observe ocean from bird's eye view. One can never be too careful of die sudden nautical invasion. See korpulent child fall und destroy sand castle. Made me smile.
　
9:15 AM: Ocean observation interrupted by telefön. Someone by name of Roger Cäble asken me to "bundle zie package"! I am no dummkopf - this ist der crank call! I tell Herr Cäble to "shove der summer sausage where the sun is no longer providing light" und hang up. Mood shaken but not stirred... liken famous German moviefilm karachter Helmut Bondël in spy thriller "Der Spy Who Had Adequate Emotions Towards Me"
　
10 AM: Get down to konsültantwerk. I see that zie Earl of Cockrain and der JimmyBee have been busy. Der legacy of Mö Jaansten must be destroyed immediately. Tzar Nicholas Garcia has been removed from locker room power und I am pleased. I do not trust man in headband. Never since Gabriel Batistuta put knee in mein kugelsack during Sampdoria v Fiorentina!
　
10:30 AM: Another telefönen call from der Roger Cäble! Who ist zis man? Und nein - I am nicht interested in der free trial of der Roger Homeföne! Who is testing mein gut mood with such dark idiocy?
　
11 AM: Nackt Yoga.
　
12 PM: Took special kitty kat friend Karl-Heinz to Katzen Doktor for annual inoculations against feline diseases, der fleas und Dutch people. Stop at der Stärbucks und ask for Marzipan Frappucino. I am met with stüpid stare from der koffeestaffen. “You can get der Marzi-cino in München Starbucks” I yell. Force a smile to maintain cool dude Kalifornien mood.
　
2 PM: Strange texten: “Switch to Rogers Wireless today and receive 10000 free air miles!” Was ist this madness? Why is Herr Roger Cäble hunting me like die wolf in zie Black Forest? I don’t even want die air milen! I kollect Lufthansa Luftmetres!
　
3:30 PM: Speak to Herr Anselmi, ask him if mein Englische is not guten but I am thinking “interim” is meaning temporary. He seems very nervös und mumbling about “us all being interim if those teachers...” then he just grumbled und I think a tiger growled in der background.
　
5 PM: Checken zie emailen. Oh mein Gott!!! Nein! I don’t want zie Rogers Yahoo! emailen! How has das Roger Cäble gestapo found mein emailen?
　
5:30 PM: I am hiding in die Klinsmann Family Bibliothek from Herr Cäble. Try to read best-selling German komedy book “Moustachen und Beards of The Hapsburg Empire” but am in no mood for der giggles. Instead put on DeeVeeDee spy film of Helmut Böndel “Achtungpussy”.
　
7:15 PM: Roger Cäble will not halt calling der telefön! Was ist der PVR? Is this some type of landing vehicle? I rush to oceanview... still clear.
　
8 PM: The Dinner: Herr Cäble has not only ruined mein day but mein appetite! Und still no Bavarian food packages! I am forced to eat olden snack from last trip to Frankfurt - Chocolate bunny filled with minced beef. Delicious - yet mood is rife with defeat.
　
9:15 PM: Erotische Zeit.
　
10 PM: Enough ist enough! Roger Cäble und I get into a screaming battle. I tell them “to never come near me or der Klinsmann home or I will get Rudi Völler und his gang to teach them a lesson - East Berlin style!”. Mood has become light again. I will never have to deal with Herr Cäble again! Decide to sürf das interweben before bedtimen. Sürf to Toronto news zeitung Glöbben Und Mailen. Headlinen: “Rogers to buy MLSE”
　
10:03 PM: Schiesse.

“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No package was budled during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Zwanzig - Der turkey und stüffing

7 AM: Why must das influenza deceive mein immunën system?! Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto begged und begged me to attend MajorLiga Pokal Final in Toronto auf Sunday nacht. He told me I must sit outdoorsën to “be seen on die TeeEssenToo”. Was ist das TeeEssenToo? Harsh Kanadian wind has given me sickness.
　
8:15 AM: Widerlich! Mein nose is dripping like damaged battleship at the Hanseatic port of Rostock! Dear kitty kat Karl-Heinz is giving me tender kisses but little can bring joy to mein impacted nasal cavity. Must arise soon - much konsültantwerk to be done... und must prepare for Yankee turkey sacrifice celebration of Danksagung.
　
9 AM: Breakfast: Mein tastebüden have failed me. How can man expected to werk das full day without die taste of breakfast sausage? This lingenberry juice has given me nothing. Nothing!!!
　
10:30 AM: Must inspect FC Toronto list of sacrificial players for MajorLiga Fussball Expansion of Territory Draft soon. Must rest more first. Bavarian kaffee und an episode of hit German morning TV show “Now Is The Time To Wake! Mit Nina Hagen” It is der special episoden live from Paul die Psychic Octopüsen funeral und feast.
　
12 PM: FC Toronto sacrificial list looks liken Bundesliga 3 squad Stuttgarter Kickers! I emailen mein suggestions to Earl of Cockrain und der JimmyBee on mein SchwarzBerry:
Protect Julian der Guzman, Dvayne Der Rozario und Stefan Freiberg. Stop. Eliminate rest of squad immediately. Stop. Nick Garcia must be neutralized. Stop. The eagle flies backwards at night. Over.
　
12:15 PM: Herr Anselmi texten me back: “Draft was yesterday. Don’t sweat it - we sold tons of tickets after you were on TV on Sunday! Booyah! T.A.” Oh mein Gott! I slept through der Wednesday? Why did I ingest doppel dose of German cold medicine NyKill? How could this happen! My konsültantwerk has been undermined by Earl of Cockrain! Und was ist “Booyah”?!
　
12:30 PM: My mood has grown dark like Black Forest nacht. Mein father would find me a disgrace. Why vater why?!
　
12:45 PM: Lunch: Influenza has stripped my appetite of vigour. Das konsültancy failures have made it worsen. Force myself to eat 8 linken of Spiced Leipzig Würst. Give remaining linken to dear Karl-Heinz. Radical fuzzy little dude.
　
1:30 PM: Urgent telefonën call from FC Toronto! Der JimmyBee wants to know mein thoughts on a NathanSturgis. I think it is type of British submarine? I inform der JimmyBee I will call back. Check on the Interwebën und best German website VikiPediaFile under “nathansturgis”. Achtung! He is a mittlefeldspieler at FC Seatllesounden! Call back JimmyBee and say he is solid like a VW Camper but do not spend too many Kanadamarks on him.
　
2 PM: Earl of Cockrain has given zie Vancouver WeissAlpen der First Round Pick in der MLS ÜberDraften for! He ist nicht der GM! I am due to konsült on new GM! My soul is blackened with rage and runny nose.
　
2:30 PM: I will only take half dosage of NyKill und lay on der sofa while hausfrau begins cooking of traditional Amerikan turkey sacrifice. Watch Thanksgiving traditional NFL-Germany gridiron match between Leipzig Bureaucrats und Wiesbaden Sullen Bears.
　
7 PM: Scheisse!!! Damn that NyKill! Why must you be so powerful? I have slept for hours! Der turkey is ready to be divided und conquered...
　
7:15 PM: The Dinner: Armed with mein ceremonial Bavarian sabre, turkey is cut in half und der flanks become separated from rest of unit. Resistance becomes futile as der noble bird is annexed region by region. Stüffing mit sage und nuts - delightful!
　
8:00 PM: Two texten messagen! Herr Anselmi says “Happy Thanksgiving, wanna give an interview about how great Earl is doing?” Scheisse. Then texten from gut friend Teddy Sheringham “Yo JK I’m in Vegas! It’s turkey day but I’m always a breast and thigh man! LOL!” I do not understand. Was ist lol?
　
9:00 PM: Erotische Zeit (mit extra gravy)
　
9:45 PM: Taken more NyKill. I must defeat das influenza... und then I must see to the demise of Earl of Cockrain. I am sure the HMS NathanSturgis was torpedoed in der Baltic...


“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No turkey was conquered in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Vierzehn - What is this Wendelclaärk?

8:45 AM: Oh mein Gott! Have slept late! Forgot to programmen der awaken siren. It was the mistake to stay up and watch hilarious German komedy film "This Marriage Has Broken My Soul". Must arise schnell! Where are meine underlederhosen?
　
8:55 AM: Mein SchwarzBerry is full of texten messages from FC Toronto Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Keep forgetting about der time zonen difference! Dummkopf! WIll tend to der business but must feed beloved kitty kat Karl-Heinz first.
　
9 AM: Breakfast: Liberate herring and pickled beet omelette from plate. French cuisine made superior with der German ingredient occupation. Milk moustachen makes me look like old Rudi Völler!
　
10 AM: Great Beckenbauer's Ghostën! Another texten message from Herr Anselmi! Eagerly wants me to attenden zie MajorLiga Soccer Cup FInal in Toronto. Says ticket sales are "in the toilet". Why ist the tickets in der toilette? Dass is why Bee Moe Stadt will be empty? Was that ein German toilette joke? Kanadian humour escapes my reach.
　
10:30 AM: Need to relax. Hausefrau to give me seaweed und saurkraut massage followed by three minutes reminder that I am a disappointment to my father. Why vater why? Ready for the day.
　
11:30 AM: Talk to Maple Leaf Sportlich und Underhaltung Chancellor Anselmi and Kommandant Beirne for lengthy duration. I ask how they want FC Toronto to play like? They answer “like eis hockey Maple Leaves.” What ist der philosophy you want I say? They say “heart and der grit... like eis hockey.” I say was ist der player you would like? They say something like “der Wendelclaärk or Der Duggy!” Was ist der Wendelclaärk und Duggy? It is Kanadian machine for the excavation? Ich bin confused! I tell them I must call back later. Their idiocy has become tiresome and they have brought great darkness to my cheerful Bavarian personality.
　
11:45 AM: Nackt Yoga.
　
11:55 AM: Polizei knock on door. Complaint from neighbour due to Nackt Yoga.
　
1 PM: Lunch: Have retreated from plans to invade last evening's leftover Blood Sausage. Instead open can of German favorit "Chef Boy-är-Dieter" Noodle & Liverwurst flavor. Eat out of can und watch German satellite TV show "Late Night mit Gerd Müller" mit special guest Run Lola Runfrau.
　
3 PM: Call back Kanada. Interrupt MLEssen meeting. Herr Anselmi says not to worry - secret virgin ritual can wait for later. He asks if I have made new TFC philosophy. I tell him dass I am thinking FC Toronto should emulate style of 1990's Borussia Dortmund. There was long silence on telefon. I think I am hearing Herr Anselmi whispering - something, something "like leafenraptors" something, something "cheapest available" then I think I am hearing a goat... then something "Kokrane und Jimmy Bee" and then "replace him mit Dichio in July". Then Anselmi came back on der telefon and says "Great Jürgen, this Russian Door Mound Style sounds terrific. Our board will look it over and choose what works in this hard-nosed, low-on-talent but high-on-grit style you chose." I start yelling that “dies ist not what I say” but the telefon went dead.
　
5 PM: Have been sitting with Karl-Heinz in die dark. Was jüst happened? Why did Herr Anselmi not understand me? Is it mein poor Kanadian Englische? Why does he want all players on der klub to have das handlebar moustachen?
　
6 PM: Herr Anselmi texten again - really wants me at MajorLiga Pokal Final. I say “who is playing?” He answers "Colorado Rockies und Texas". Told him I must be in Vegas with Teddy Sheringham that night... and washing mein hair.
　
8 PM: The Dinner: Today's meeting angered mein appetite. Only eat 5 bratwürst, 2 pork schnitzel and barely touched mein potato & eel salat. Defeat is upon me.
　
8:30 PM: Time for "CSI: Frankfurt"
　
9:30 PM: Erotische Zeit
　
10:30 PM: It has been scheisse day! Something is rotten in Düsseldorf! Am I not das konsültant? Am I jüst der ticket monkey? This cannot be - I am World Cup legend! I want to fixen FC Toronto but was ist “the Anaheim Ducks method”? Today is boring me. Kraftwerk's Greatest Hits and Ovaltine mit Jagermeister will bring end to my dark day.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No moustachen was handlebarred in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Sieben - How to get to Yonge Strasse?

7 AM: Achtung! Buzzed by the Awaking Siren at Toronto hotel. Today is full of excitement - I am proclaimed as Konsültant und Field Marshall at FC Toronto. Did not sleep gut. Luft Kanada Airline was like Hobo Lufthansa and Toronto night was cold like Lothar Matthäus handshake. Dreamt of my dear kitty Karl-Heinz then met by sleep.
　
7:15 AM: Looking out of hotel window. Was ist das giant CNN tower building? Tall, yet cold and grey... almost German. Toronto ist like Berlin... without good bier.
　
8AM: Breakfast: Das Kontinental breakfast has brought great shame to mouth region. Why must this hotel make a mockery of sausage?! Am rethinking this Kanadian mission. Mood has become sullen. I banish tray from room.
　
9 AM: Call home to Kalifornia - get hausfrau to put mein kitty-cat Karl-Heinz on the telefon. He ist the only one who gets me. Love that fuzzy cool dude!
　
10 AM: Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto, will be taking me on das tour of his favorit places in die city in gold plated limo.
　
12 PM: Das tour is over. Herr Anselmi took me to four banks und zie underground bunker of Maple Leaf Sportlich Und Unterhaltung. I think he asks if I want to try "a panda bear sandwich" but must be my poor Kanadian language. Why does Fussball Klub owner need ein giant laser?
　
1 PM: Lunch: How can metropolis of millions not provide a pickled herring luncheon?! Settle for traditional Kanadian meal consisting of Hamburger SV and carved potatoes lined in orderly fashion. Der horseradish is a disgrace - cannot taste horse nor radish. Hunger destroyed, craving of herring remains.
　
2 PM: Arrive at Bee Moe Stadt for konference with Toronto telecommunicätions media. Why are they all Englanders? Und why do they think I am responsible for fixing die Klub? Herr Anselmi will make das decision! The telefünken press does not ask difficult questions. Reminded me of press meeting at Tottenham when Teddy Sheringham would refuse to wear der pants! His Dummerchen wafting about like flagge! Herr Anselmi very quiet in der konference, just kept whispering “excellent... excellent”. Media think I am wonderful. They are not incorrect. Now ist the time where I depart.
　
4 PM: Souvenir shopping on Yonge Strasse. Bought Karl-Heinz special Kanada Kitty gift. Küte!
　
5 PM: At Herr Lester Pearson Flughafen awaiting flight back to Kalifornia. Eat Kanadian bacon sandwich to avoid food on Luft Kanada in-flight meal. I do not yet understand the Kanadian cuisine. What kind of flughafen lounge does not sell tripe or even beef tongue?
　
7 PM: In-flight television machine has become tiresome. No more eis hockey documentary! Scheisse! Guten thing I downloaded # 1 German sit-com “Your Uncle Has Become Suicidal” und latest “Deutschland’s Funniest Chemical Disasters” Now dass ich quality unterhaltung!
　
10 PM: Arrive home. Defrost herring. Tell Karl-Heinz of my Kanadian mission. We have tender tickling and emotional bonding. Wunderbar.
　
11 PM: Erotische zeit.
　
11:55 PM: Texten message from Herr Anselmi: “Thanks for that! We sold 500 tickets today! Will FedEx you some Panda tomorrow!” Kanada is strange.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No panda was schnitzeled in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Ein - What is this Bee Mow?

6:30 AM: Christus! Das Canadians keep calling me to fix their fussball! Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto, is crying that der MLS Cup will be empty if I do not signing up schnell today! I will call later. Now is the time for sleeping.
　
7:30 AM: Breakfast: Successfully eliminated bratwürst from der plate. Very furious when runny egg attempts to invade sausage region. Morning has become tiresome.
　
10 AM: Englisch lessons. I am thinking my England speaking is very well. Teddy Sheringham taught me how to say ladies' front-buttocks area in ten different ways in 1995. Teacher says I sound too stern. I ask him to leave my dwelling permanently and with haste.
　
11 AM: Herr Anselmi is ringing the telefon again. Oh mein Gott! Relax, don't do it man! He sounds very upset. Wants me to go to a Bee Mow? Was ist das Bee Mow? I am thinking a Canadian house of bumblebee torture? I will return call soon. Now is the time for listening to "Kraftwerk: Live in Wuppertal"
　
12 PM: Have sent agreement of Konsültantcy to FC Toronto. Herr Anselmi wept in joy. I thought he said "das teachers won't kill me now" but I don't speak guten Canadian yet. I ask him if I should sign a new Direktor of Fussball but he just laughed and said "whatever Hans".
　
1 PM: Lunch: Orchestrate the successful landing of Knackwürst onto München rye. Hunger eliminated. The strudel has angered me and shall be no more.
　
3 PM: Am watching FC Toronto versus District of Columbia United... what have I done?
　
3:05 PM: Call Herr Anselmi to resign. He does not pick up telefon. Schiesse!
　
5 PM: Watched # 1 Hollywood television show “Knight Rider” mit great David Hasselhoffenheim. Stress has been banished. Snuggling with my cat Karl-Heinz.
　
7 PM: Planning for trip to Toronto, Kanada soon. Want to see der CN Tower, watching the eis hockey cup und mocking Canadian Pilsner. Must fly via Luft Kanada Airlines - much like Lufthansa but severe lack of Black Forest Cake und Lowenbrau. Not cool funky dude!
　
8 PM: The Dinner: Why must this schnitzel play with my emotions? How dare this sauerkraut even use the word "Bavarian" on der label?! The potato salat is refreshing.
　
9:30 PM: Googled "FC Toronto 2007-2010". My emotions have become dark like the night.
　
9:32 PM: Try to call Herr Anselmi to resign. Story already publische in Toronto newspaper. Schiesse!
　
10 PM: Erotische zeit.
　
11 PM: This day has become tiresome. Now is the time for sleeping. I am haunted by the image of Canadian bumblebee torture facilities. Karl-Heinz ist ein special creature.
　
　
“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No strudel was harmed in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.