The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 20

 

"THE NEVERENDING BRENNAN"

Like that fruit cake that always ends up on the Christmas dinner table, the "Original Red" Jim Brennan always turns up. After captaining the team for a couple of years in a cozy blanket fashion with GM Mo Johnston, "Jimmy B" was put out to pasture on the Wall of "Honour" before taking up his new job as qualified Assistant General Manager. Then U-17 Academy Coach. Then narc er... Assistant Coach to Aron Winter; continuing on under Paul Mariner and now Ryan Nelsen. He is also Reserve Team Manager and has a 100% winning record as Head Coach when Nelly needed a day off. Also your next manager.

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!



THE MATCHUP: "Look over there... waffles!"

It's your basic 5-Waffle Plan

 

TORONTO VS. D.C. UNITED

　

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

Wow. If MLS could justify erasing a match from their fixture list it is this one. A match-up so bad that TFC coaches Ryan Nelsen and Fran O'Leary got themselves banned from the touchline so they wouldn't have to watch... we assume. (This of course leaves Jim Brennan in charge... as was foreseen in the Book of Revelation.) The battle of the worst club in league history vs. the only other club that had the gall to have a worse record than them this season. A humdinger gang!

Even at full strength, this fixture should be a battle to see who is relegated to the NASL, throw in the fact that D.C has a US Open Cup fixture on Tuesday and the talent level that will be on display is rather mesmerizing. The last place club's reserve team against a club that has offered 7 years’ worth of reserve teams to their fans.

We would offer our usual pre-match malarkey here but we would say the "Players To Watch" are not watchable; "The Odds" are you are attending or watching through habit or obligation; and the "Post-Match Headline" is mostly old-man mumbling. Instead we bring you the highlights of the truly important TFC event of the day - The TFC Presidential Breakfast for (SOME) Season Ticket Holders! Not part of the royal gathering? No worries here are the best parts of tomorrow's shindig... today!

TFC 2013 BREAKFAST HIGHLIGHTS
-Tim Leiweke does not talk a word of "spin" nor "sizzle" during 45-minute speech from a throne of made of melted Stanley Cups and Tom Anselmi's reclaimed gold fillings. Ends rousing manifesto with a sing-a-long of "The Monorail Song".

- Ryan Nelsen spotted sitting alone at end of head table slumped in a chair looking either sleepy, dejected or like a lame duck. (TBD)

- Stefan Frei pulled to one side and told he isn't allowed to appear at the breakfast. Joe Bendik waves at him while happily munching on a pickle.

- Drama in the lobby of RealSports Bar & Grill as former TFC striker Collin Samuel is taken down by MLSE Security tranquilizer guns as he makes a mad dash towards the buffet table.

- Jim Brennan asked to chew up some tater tots and gently spit them into Bitchy the Hawk's awaiting beak.

- Danny Koevermans makes a "miraculous" recovery and is taken off the injured list to take part in the "Aunt Jemima's Million Dollar Dream Pancake Throwdown". Immediately goes back on injured list after the contest.

- GM Tim Bezbatchenko overheard haggling with servers to exchange his plate of scrambled eggs for a boiled egg and a 3rd Round Supplemental Draft Pick in 2015.

- All eyes on the giant video wall as the lights are dimmed for the showing of the 90-minute documentary: "Get Used To It: The Kevin Payne Year(s)"

- Hundreds temporarily blinded as shirt cannons misfire and scalding hot maple syrup is sprayed over front three rows of dining supporters.

- Everyone asked to leave the premises before the hounds are released and to "ignore the fact that only cold brown toast has been offered for 7 years as some serious back bacon is coming in January"



AFTER 90: United in failure

Leaving the foggy past well behind him

THE BUZZ?

Can this league drought possibly continue?

Will De Ro fail to score against us twice?

Will there be a parade if TFC gets a draw?

Does Winter dare rest starters before Wednesday's ACC Final?

Is ghost Robert F. Kennedy ashamed of his shoddy stadium?

Are we really a less desirable club than Chivas USA?

Does Jim Brennan try Winter's chair when he leaves the room?

FIRST HALF:

1' - GOAL: D.C. United - Dwayne De Rosario

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

12' - YELLOW CARD - Ryan Johnson

43' - GOAL: D.C. United - Dwayne De Rosario

D.C. UNITED 2 - TORONTO 0

FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: The pre-match warm-ups

FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Barely sitting down before being down

HALFTIME: D.C. UNITED 2 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

45' - SUB: Danny Koevermans on for Terry Dunfield

68' - SUB: Nick Soolsma on for Joao Plata

71' - GOAL: Toronto - Danny Koevermans

D.C. UNITED 2 - TORONTO 1

73' - GOAL: D.C. United - Hamdi Salihi

D.C. UNITED 3 - TORONTO 1

SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Danny Koevermans taking time out from a mid-match meal to score

SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Reading the sad online reactions of the one set of fans in MLS who have been used and abused like no others

FULL TIME: D.C. UNITED 3 - TORONTO 1

PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Adrian Cann 5 / Doneil Henry 6 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Terry Dunfield 5 (Danny Koevermans 6.5) / Julian de Guzman 6 / Eric Avila 5.5 / Reggie Lambe 6 / Ryan Johnson 6.5 / Joao Plata 5 (Nick Soolsma 6)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Ryan Johnson

THE MOOD:

It's been emotional. While watching Dwayne De Rosario put the sword to TFC tonight was always going to polarize his former supporters, it was fitting that a man from the club's past helped dispatch an organization that still has the same issues that have plagued it annually. Let's be real - there is no use calling for Aron Winter's firing (even though it is likely) because the rot that permeates TFC's hallways comes straight from the top and oozes down to the most junior employee. There is no fix, because an abyss has been formed where the real culprits of this club's demise are untouchables who are mentally incapable of not meddling in team affairs and turning the front office into a political melodrama.

To some, the easy answer tonight is "Fire the coach!". While it is hard to argue the logic, as the team is drifting aimlessly, it will be a bandage on a broken leg that comes with a very likely unpleasant after effect - the coup-like ascendancy of Jim Brennan into the manager's role. There will be many an ML$E PR man rubbing his hands at the thought of "Team Legend" (cough) and new Manager Brennan having the chance at a Voyageurs Cup victory photo-op but that will be a folly too far for this shambolic club. At this point though, with Tom Anselmi and his cabal's iron grip over this club's fate not slipping an inch - does any of it make a difference? And even worse, how many more one-time fans care less tonight?

Reds' bench takes a (hipster) haircut

The proverbial hipster Cheshire Cat

After a long and gruelling FIFTEEN MONTHS coaching Toronto FC's fledgling U-17 team, Newmarket's soccer royalty was gifted the job of TFC Assistant Coach today. Yes, the hipster-hairdo'd/soul patch aficionado Jim Brennan has replaced the bombastic Dutchman Bob de Klerk as Aron Winter's number two. The surprise move was suddenly announced today - you know, just in case fans started to feel that TFC had taken a turn for the better.
　
The hilariously entertaining and experienced de Klerk has been moved into a role called "Technical Manager". Technically speaking - it sounds like a demotion. He will apparently have "a more active role in the day-to-day operations of the club off-the-pitch," according to his friend and Manager Aron Winter - who may have just felt the first broadside by the TFC old-boys network. While there is nothing wrong with building a strong backroom, the movement of someone who is seemingly the boss's right-hand man is murky at best.
　
Shifting de Klerk to a role of that ilk is not necessarily a negative move... if a qualified professional is taking his place. But, this is not the case. As stated above, Brennan's claim to coaching fame is corralling TFC's teens for just over a year. An important job - but not one that gives you any insight into the world of professional level management. Many will say "but he was the club's captain", which is fine and good but his captaincy was one that was laced with rumours of his very cozy relationship with management in a time of great tumult amongst his teammates. He didn't leave the position behind with a lilywhite perception.
　
Much will be trumpeted (and excused) that Brennan is a good Canadian and it's important for Toronto FC to foster young Canadian coaches - but this is pure folly. Toronto FC is a large, professional club in the highest level of North American football and not a place where coaches should be "learning" their trade. If that is the case, why didn't Canadian citizen, Senior Academy manager and player with even more experience Danny Dichio or even long-time TFC coach Jason Bent get the job? Perhaps Tom Anselmi and Earl Cochrane watching from the stands today might give some insight.
　
Aron Winter will say all the right things about the changes made today but it would be shocking if any of this was his idea. Instead, it seems like the Machiavellian workings of the TFC/MLSE power brokers at work once again. Much like Jim Brennan's haircuts, this stupidity won't end soon.

Letters from Camp: “More trialists? You bet Yourassowsky!”

Sweet Yourassed fashion scarf there Mikael!

TRIAL HARDER
Toronto FC released the names of more trialists joining the club in Florida today and they are... well... projects. Think more "new in camp" than "Nou Camp". The four players added to Florida’s Camp Wananfooty are:
MIKAEL YOURASSOWSKY: This 5 foot 11 Belgian defender had a bright start to his career, apprenticing with both Anderlecht and Argentine powerhouse Boca Juniors. However, the 27-year-old's professional record has been spotty and nomadic at best since with stops in Greece, Mexico and most recently a spell in Croatia's top division at NK Rijeka - ironically the most solid stretch of his career.
IVO "IN" DE HEUS: It's never a good sign if the most online research you can find on a player is his personal resume. Little is known about this Dutch midfielder apart from a lengthy stretch spent in the Ajax youth system (surprise!) and short professional stints with Dutch clubs Willem II and AGOVV Apeldoorn (Like Apple Jacks – just more footbally). Apparently caught the eye of TFC Assistant Bob de Klerk during his Ajax youth days.
JAMAL GAY: In an effort to help opposing supporters with their offensive chants, TFC invited Trinidad & Tobago International Gay to camp. Apart from his 6 foot 2 frame, there is little to get excited about over the 22-year-old striker. Came up through the Joe Public system before moving on to a lacklustre spell with Rot-Weiss Oberhausen in the German second division. Most recently loaned out to Turkish third division side Dardanel Spor A.S. who are apparently named after a popular brand of tuna - so that's something. Gay has scored 3 goals with the T&T National team but is always last in jersey sales.
JOEVIN JONES: Another Trinidad & Tobago International prospect. 19-year-old defender who has little professional record and emerged from the W Connection club. Despite 6 appearances with the T&T Nats he recently failed to make an impression at the Colorado Rapids camp and was released by The Maroons. First name is French for “Joe’s wine”.
　
DANNY'S KIDS
While the club has yet to make an official announcement, club legend Danny Dichio let it slip on Twitter yesterday evening that he was indeed taking Jason Bent's place as Head Coach of the TFC Academy U-19 squad. Dichio, who by all accounts has taken his education as a young coach very seriously (since being forced into retirement), is a natural choice and the second good homegrown coaching move made by TFC after the recent Bent promotion to the 1st Team. There is word also that fellow "Wall of Honour" (barf) recipient Jim Brennan will be involved in a coaching role with the Academy leaving a massive hole in the club's Auto Show, cartoon narration and coffee retrieval departments.
　
FIELD OF GREEN
Club owners MLSE released a report today slapping there own backs loudly and proudly over the profit that BMO Field has managed to make during its management by the sports, entertainment and panda meat juggernaut. The 2010 profit of $641,000 was in fact 3 times higher than projected and as part of their profit-sharing agreement, MLSE has provided the City of Toronto with $1.2 Million over the last 4 years. Mayor Rob Ford likely commented "Gravy Train. Union fat cats. KFC Double-Down. Argos." TFC supporters commented in unison "Ummm... roof?"

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day Zwanzig - Der turkey und stüffing

7 AM: Why must das influenza deceive mein immunën system?! Herr Anselmi, Chancellor of FC Toronto begged und begged me to attend MajorLiga Pokal Final in Toronto auf Sunday nacht. He told me I must sit outdoorsën to “be seen on die TeeEssenToo”. Was ist das TeeEssenToo? Harsh Kanadian wind has given me sickness.
　
8:15 AM: Widerlich! Mein nose is dripping like damaged battleship at the Hanseatic port of Rostock! Dear kitty kat Karl-Heinz is giving me tender kisses but little can bring joy to mein impacted nasal cavity. Must arise soon - much konsültantwerk to be done... und must prepare for Yankee turkey sacrifice celebration of Danksagung.
　
9 AM: Breakfast: Mein tastebüden have failed me. How can man expected to werk das full day without die taste of breakfast sausage? This lingenberry juice has given me nothing. Nothing!!!
　
10:30 AM: Must inspect FC Toronto list of sacrificial players for MajorLiga Fussball Expansion of Territory Draft soon. Must rest more first. Bavarian kaffee und an episode of hit German morning TV show “Now Is The Time To Wake! Mit Nina Hagen” It is der special episoden live from Paul die Psychic Octopüsen funeral und feast.
　
12 PM: FC Toronto sacrificial list looks liken Bundesliga 3 squad Stuttgarter Kickers! I emailen mein suggestions to Earl of Cockrain und der JimmyBee on mein SchwarzBerry:
Protect Julian der Guzman, Dvayne Der Rozario und Stefan Freiberg. Stop. Eliminate rest of squad immediately. Stop. Nick Garcia must be neutralized. Stop. The eagle flies backwards at night. Over.
　
12:15 PM: Herr Anselmi texten me back: “Draft was yesterday. Don’t sweat it - we sold tons of tickets after you were on TV on Sunday! Booyah! T.A.” Oh mein Gott! I slept through der Wednesday? Why did I ingest doppel dose of German cold medicine NyKill? How could this happen! My konsültantwerk has been undermined by Earl of Cockrain! Und was ist “Booyah”?!
　
12:30 PM: My mood has grown dark like Black Forest nacht. Mein father would find me a disgrace. Why vater why?!
　
12:45 PM: Lunch: Influenza has stripped my appetite of vigour. Das konsültancy failures have made it worsen. Force myself to eat 8 linken of Spiced Leipzig Würst. Give remaining linken to dear Karl-Heinz. Radical fuzzy little dude.
　
1:30 PM: Urgent telefonën call from FC Toronto! Der JimmyBee wants to know mein thoughts on a NathanSturgis. I think it is type of British submarine? I inform der JimmyBee I will call back. Check on the Interwebën und best German website VikiPediaFile under “nathansturgis”. Achtung! He is a mittlefeldspieler at FC Seatllesounden! Call back JimmyBee and say he is solid like a VW Camper but do not spend too many Kanadamarks on him.
　
2 PM: Earl of Cockrain has given zie Vancouver WeissAlpen der First Round Pick in der MLS ÜberDraften for! He ist nicht der GM! I am due to konsült on new GM! My soul is blackened with rage and runny nose.
　
2:30 PM: I will only take half dosage of NyKill und lay on der sofa while hausfrau begins cooking of traditional Amerikan turkey sacrifice. Watch Thanksgiving traditional NFL-Germany gridiron match between Leipzig Bureaucrats und Wiesbaden Sullen Bears.
　
7 PM: Scheisse!!! Damn that NyKill! Why must you be so powerful? I have slept for hours! Der turkey is ready to be divided und conquered...
　
7:15 PM: The Dinner: Armed with mein ceremonial Bavarian sabre, turkey is cut in half und der flanks become separated from rest of unit. Resistance becomes futile as der noble bird is annexed region by region. Stüffing mit sage und nuts - delightful!
　
8:00 PM: Two texten messagen! Herr Anselmi says “Happy Thanksgiving, wanna give an interview about how great Earl is doing?” Scheisse. Then texten from gut friend Teddy Sheringham “Yo JK I’m in Vegas! It’s turkey day but I’m always a breast and thigh man! LOL!” I do not understand. Was ist lol?
　
9:00 PM: Erotische Zeit (mit extra gravy)
　
9:45 PM: Taken more NyKill. I must defeat das influenza... und then I must see to the demise of Earl of Cockrain. I am sure the HMS NathanSturgis was torpedoed in der Baltic...


“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No turkey was conquered in the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke.

ML$E Job Fair: Apply Within

That clicking sound echoing down Bay Street is likely emanating from the hallowed marble and platinum halls of the Maple Leaf $ports & "Entertainment" head office. Dozens of interns and partially trained monkeys are feverishly pounding their keyboards on Workopolis and Craigslist, sorting through the replies to the ad their bosses placed.
　
General Manager - FT - local soccer team - experience not necessary...
　
Yes, the men who have brought you such boardroom big-hitters as Rob Babcock and John Ferguson Jr. are poised to name the successor to Mo Johnston as Toronto FC's Director of Football but what do they have in mind? Based on ML$E's track record, the hiring should go one of four ways - but what kind of candidate will snag the best job at Exhibition Place (apart from the guy who makes the fried butter)?
　
INTERNATIONAL MANAGER WITH PEDIGREE:
RUMOURS: Carlos Queiroz, Jurgen Klinsmann, Ciro Ferrara
THE PROS:
- A big name to attract a higher calibre of foreign player
- New ideas and tactics different from other MLS clubs
- Not connected with the previous drama of TFC and ML$E
THE CONS:
- Unfamiliar with the complexities of MLS caps, squads and systems
- An expectation to change the club to fit their mould
- A possible lack of patience with ML$E's low expectations
ML$E SPIN: Shows the club's dedication to being a major force
WHY LIKELY: TFC/ ML$E needs a major PR coup
WHY UNLIKELY: It will cost a lot - something ML$E hates

THE ODDS: 500-1
　
MLS EXECUTIVE WITH PROMISE
RUMOURS: Paul Mariner, Steve Nicol, Domenic Kinnear
THE PROS:
- Experience with the odd world of MLS club structure
- Building a club with low financial backing but high expectations
- Aware of the circus history of Toronto FC's first four years

THE CONS:

- Best available people already tied to clubs

- Possible reliance on outdated defensive MLS tactics

- Difficulty dealing with higher level of media and public scrutiny
ML$E SPIN: The most qualified and experienced man for the job
WHY LIKELY: It's the right move
WHY UNLIKELY: It's the right move

THE ODDS: 50-1

Mariner and Nicol. Too much sense. Next

THE CANADIAN BRAINTRUST
RUMOURS: An All-Canuck combo featuring three or more of the likes of Earl Cochrane, Jim Brennan, Jason De Vos, Paul James, (enter random Canadian here)
THE PROS:
- Understand the club and the ownership right away
- An easy way to increase staff levels immediately
- A simple transition for returning players
THE CONS:
- No real professional club experience
- Will have little clout to face off with ML$E bosses
- Committee GM's don't ever succeed
ML$E SPIN: Helping to improve TFC and all of Canadian soccer
WHY LIKELY: A simple yet fairly uncontroversial move
WHY UNLIKELY: Hard to fire three guys next July

THE ODDS: 5-1
　
JIMMY BRENNAN
RUMOURS: Jimmy Brennan
THE PROS:
- Possible remaining connections in England from career
- Close ties to Canada Soccer
- Very few else. (Haircut?)
THE CONS:
- A continuation of the dubiously cozy First Wave Agency relationship
- The direct descendant of his professor, Mo Johnston
- Absolutely no superiors or mentors in the club to get advice from
ML$E SPIN: All hail the first Canadian GM - Mr.TFC!
WHY LIKELY: Easy, very, very cheap and press friendly
WHY UNLIKELY: Won't help sell season tickets

THE ODDS: Evens

"Barry is # 1 on speed dial Jim"

Captain Scarborough takes the bridge of "The No-Love Boat"

--------------"Umm... you say it took 5 years to build this?"

It must have been a great honour and a fabulous challenge when asked to steer such a slow, lumbering, lopsided mess towards glory in the United States – all the while trying to avoid likely disaster. He must have felt like the "King of the World"! I'm talking of course of Captain Edward Smith who was in charge of the SS Titanic. Why? Who were you thinking of?
　
In other non-related, simile-free captaincy news, Toronto FC manager Preki made the only decision he could today by replacing the retired Jim Brennan (now to be referred to as Jo Bronston or The Mo-ppet) with TFC’s best ever player, Dwayne De Rosario. Scarborough's finest (the non-smokeable kind) becomes TFC's second captain and takes over at a time of great change and upheaval. With new players still apparently being added (Mo's famous 2 or 3) and a host of new faces already in red, De Ro will need to lead in a big way… and quickly.
　
De Ro will be an interesting sort of captain - more The Skipper than Captain Stubing. While Jim Brennan showed great grit on the field there are questions about divisions left in the dressing room. Brennan was obviously very close with management (thus his new job as Mo's pool boy) and that couldn't have been an easy mesh with other players. Obviously there have been major personality clashes in the locker room leading to classy veteran stalwarts like Carl Robinson being moved out. A big part of De Ro's job will be getting this new group whistling to the same tune.
　
Make no mistake, De Ro has been given the wheel somewhere in the middle of the words "Iceberg!" and "...straight ahead!". No doubt the Scarborough Town "Centre" (get it? He plays centre!... What? I'm bored of nautical jokes) would have rather taken the armband in good times but perhaps this is his chance to prove the naysayers wrong. There are some who don't agree with his outspoken "say it how you see it" ways but it would seem like anyone willing to speak the truth at TFC would be very welcome… and rare. God knows, if HMCS Five-Year-Plan does sink, it won't be the truthful new captain's fault – it will be the fault of the Scottish Admiral hiding upstairs in the poop deck with his new parrot. Sorry, that's the last nautical pun for today.
　
"Yo Mo Mo, and a bottle of trialists!"
(Sorry again. Actually more pirate than nautical though.)
　
　
Poop deck.

-----------------------Scarborough: It's how we roll.

THE WORD: Jim Brennan retires - becomes Assistant to The misDirector

------------Brennan: Assistant to the misDirector of Football

What does a misDirector of Football who has failed to do a single thing in nearly 5 years need most? A scouting department? Pass. A crop of new signings? Not necessary. Media lessons? Nah... how about an Assistant misDirector of Football? Perfect!
　
Word leaking out of Success Central aka BMO Field is that original Red, and still member of the starting 11, Jim Brennan is going to hang up his boots and join Mo Johnston as "Assistant GM". Good for you Jimmy, what better way to start in the world of football management than by learning from a true master? Like a surly, Scottish Yoda, Mo can tutor young Brennan in his areas of expertise: signing elderly Scotsmen; fake Brazilian scouting trips; bending the truth like a spoon; building false expectations around players then sullying their reputations before cutting them; blowing the salary cap on a neo-expansion team; making your agent the de facto GM; never speaking publicly; and, most importantly - staying employed despite all the previous lessons.
　
If this odd rumour does come to fruition, it means TFC is down yet another starter on an already depleted team. Cutting Brennan's salary does open the opportunity for new signings but when the only names being mentioned are Scottish senior citizen Paul Dickov (who wouldn't arrive until summer) and more Eastern European trialists, the excitement hardly bubbles. Unless of course you are a huge fan of third-string goalkeepers (and you're an odd creature if that's true), because Mo did add Milos Kocic yesterday. Whoopee! Bring on the playoffs!
　
This move would also start a worrying trend of adding people with zero football management experience into an office which desperately needs the opposite. In reality however, Brennan (who other rumours claim is no Preki fan) would likely just become the management's mouthpiece so that Mo can somehow stay even further from the media. Johnston is obviously a one-man show (unless you count his agent Barry MacLean and First Wave Sports) and wants to keep it that way because if MLSE ever got wind that he's not the best misDirector of Football in town - he could be forced to pay for his own future Brazilian holidays. Obrigado to that.
　
WORD FACTOR: 8 / 10

---------------------------"Five year plan I have."