THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC 2014 mayoral campaign slogans

Not bad. Would be better with hybrid turf.

 

Welcome to Toronto Tim Leiweke - you're now officially one of us. A year after touching down (Get it? Argos? Oh, never mind) in our fair city, the MLSE Grand Poobah has finally come face-to-face with the buffoonery that is our city's current leadership. A cold war is brewing between MLSE and Ford Nation over the BMO Expansion plans but maybe this time the Etobicoke Emperor has bitten off more than he can eat at home. After all, Mr. Leiweke could run a whole slew of 2014 mayoral candidates from his suddenly hot football club...

11. Gale Agbossoumonde: "RUN THE CITY? LIKE A BOSS."

10. Joe Bendik: "I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW"

9. Justin Morrow: "FOR A BETTER # 2 MORROW"

8. Ryan Nelsen: "A SUK-SISS-FILL SITTEE FU IVREE-WUN!"

7. Michael Bradley: "TACKLING EVERY PROBLEM. EVERYWHERE. ALWAYS."

6. Julio Cesar: "I SAVE EVERYTHING"

5. Alvaro Rey: "STEP-OVER RED TAPE"

4. Bradley Orr: "FIGHTING DEBT. HEADBUTTING TRANSIT"

3. Dwayne De Rosario: "BUDGET? INVISIBLE CHEQUES."

2. Jim Brennan: "BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST GIVE ME JOBS"

1. Jermain Defoe: "LADIES ALWAYS TAX-FREE"



THE STARTING 11: Rob Ford/TFC similarities

"C'mon you're red!"

 

Have you heard this one? "What do the Mayor of Toronto and Collin Samuel have in common? They both have more than enough to eat at home!" Hey-ooooo! Like a sociopathic Godzilla with dangerously high blood pressure, Toronto's international celebrity CrackMayor(TM) continues to rampage through our once-fair metropolis. TV cameras from across the globe are trained on "The Etobiyokel" awaiting his next scene from "Tommy Boy" - but hey - there's no such thing as bad publicity right? Forgotten local football club TFC sure would like a little free international press. Perhaps they should start highlighting their eerily similar Fordisms...

11. Both make regularly scheduled apologies to placate supporters

 

10. Their staff are constantly on edge over impending firings

9. Both court immigrants when it suits their marketing purposes

8. No one is ever quite certain what is truly going on in their offices

7. Both desperately want to live with the Argos

6. You can never quite tell if either are intoxicated

5. Both plagued by terrible football coaching

4. One said "pussy" live on national TV, the other play like "pussies" live on national TV

3. Both claim to have a 5 Year Plan

2. Neither likely to appear in a parade any time soon

1. Nobody really wants either of them representing our city

And... since we're talkin' similarities...



THE STARTING 11: Interchangeable BMO Field / Toronto City Hall press quotes

"Everthing's fine."

It's not quite art imitating life. More like a "Dogs Playing Poker" painting imitating one of those 3D sailboat pictures off of 1990's mall kiosks. Life for those in Toronto who are A) Toronto FC supporters and B) not card-carrying members of "Ford Nation" - tends to be one long cringe-filled existence these days. You can't read the news without the latest on the "mayor’s" Chris Farleyesque crack antics (Alleged. Also pfft.) before turning to the sports section only to be confronted with TFC's latest result going up in smoke (Verified. Also pfft.). The only things more irritating are the hasty press conferences that answer nothing after the fact. What is surprising however are how many stock-quotes can be spouted at both miserable venues without changing a word...
　
11. "We inherited a mess..."
　
10. "We're turning the corner..."
　
9. "We need to stop being wasteful..."
　
8. "David Miller is always watching us with sad eyes."
　
7. "Going to bring in some movers and shakers..."
　
6. "Who ate all the pies?"
　
5. "We don't talk about personnel issues."
　
4. "No I am not resigning!"
　
3. "I don't smoke crack" / "I don't score goals" (TIE)
　
2. "Has been fired as football coach..."
　
1. "Anything else?"

"Everything's fine."

A tip of the hat to friends of The Yorkies Will Graham ( @BigWullieStyle ) and Kristin Knowles ( @kzknowles ) for goofing around with us on this one.