The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 7

"THE GIFTING OF DUNIVANT"

 

Under the sage guidance of Maurice Johnston, TFC players barely had time to buy a bed before being hurtled across the continent to a new destination. After a mere 27 appearances, Johnston felt that Todd Dunivant could be improved upon and was sent to LA Galaxy for that mysterious Secret Santa gift "allocation money". Since then, Dunivant has made more than 125 appearances with Galaxy and won two MLS Cups - TFC is actively seeking his replacement.

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!



The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 6

 

"PREKI'S SMILE"

Even the most hardened of Bah! Humbuggards would be melted by the alluring, warm smile of former TFC manager Predrag "Preki" Radosavljevic. When he wasn't grinding out draws with eleven men back, dispatching talented players elsewhere for drone-like replacements or blaming "Canadian guys", Preki was lighting up a room with his friendly, charming manner. Huzzah!

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THE WORD: Things looking up for Ol' Gil?

"Ol' Gil really needs a win"

 

You know what's so hot right now? Brazilians. They've got the World Cup next year, the Olympics in 2016, you only need one name down there - it can even be something like "Hulk" - and they do a tremendous job on a nether-region's hair-style. Is the Adidas Samba their thing too? Kudos Brazil. Kudos.

Anytoots, on this wave of Copa Comania comes the latest off-season rumour surrounding Toronto FC's dusty abandoned lot aka their forward line. Over the last few days, a little rump-shake of a whisper has gone nearly full Lambada (and that's a forbidden dance!) concerning 24-year old striker Gilberto Oliviera Souza Jr. And again, since it's Brazil - they just call him "Gilberto". So efficient!

Now before you get your TFC thong ($59.99 at RealSports) in a twist about our new Brazilian messiah let's just remember that this is a South American transfer rumour. They have the tendency to last about as long as a Fat Ronaldo sandwich. However, to use a #LeiwekeLeaks favourite line: "he ticks a lot of boxes" for TFC.

At just 24, Gilberto could develop nicely in MLS especially if the plan would be to pair him with an A-minus List partner like the oft rumoured Jermain Defoe or Alberto Gilardino. (Oooh Gil2Gil!). The apparently strong and swift Brazilian has a steady if not spectacular strike rate through his pro career and is currently fifth in scoring in the Brasiliero with club Portuguesa. Also he was born in Piranhas and that's just plain awesome.

For now we put this one somewhere on the South American Transfermeter between a Forlan and an Urruti.

 

 

"Young Gil really needs a transfer"

THE LONELY GARBER - An Away Day Guide to: Portland Timbers

"Curved is the new straight"

 

Welcome to "The Lonely Garber" - a highly factual-ish travel guide for the adventurous football supporter to some of Major League Soccer's most fabled destinations. Also: Columbus. Join us now as we continue our way across this girthy continent...

THE OPPONENT:

PORTLAND TIMBERS

JELD-WEN FIELD - Portland, Oregon

THE TOWN:

Long before being the hippest town in America was popular, Portland, Oregon was "America's Hippest Town". Located in Southern Bigfoot Country, USA, the once wholly un-ironic village of Portland was settled in that very cool year of 1959, during the great American teak furniture boom. The town foundation is historically attributed to "unintentionally" stylish artisan furniture maker/faux lumberjack - Jebediah Timber or "Timber Jeb" as he was known on the street. There was only one street.

Modern day Portland, now named "Portland" after TV show "Portlandia", retained its hipster-vibe throughout the 60's but a population boom saw an increase in pedestrians - and that's just so pedestrian. As the coolnessosity levels dwindled, so did local industry leaving once proud sawmills as empty ironic sawmills. However, the late 1990's and 2000's brought in a new generation of Pacific Northwesterners turned off by Seattle's insistence on broadcasting "Frasier" on local TV 24/7.

The new Portlanders brought with them a new style and re-introduced plaid to the region along with new inventions called whiskey, thick-rimmed reading glasses and the slim-leg trouser. The now thriving city has once-again claimed its rightful place as "America's Hippest Town" and is home to nearly a million people who "lived there before you heard of it".



Portland City Council

The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 5

"THE TALE OF MAXI URRUTI"

　

 

Imagine if Sadvent was six months long. Then imagine waking up on Christmas morning, unwrapping your shiny, expensive imported gift you had been teased with for so long only for your parents to let you play with it for 37 minutes before giving to that hipster kid down the street. The Chromeo-haircut that would put the nail in the Kevin Payne coffin - Maxi Urruti.

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!

The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 4

 

"THE WINTER OF 0-9"

 

　

Hailing from a country with such dubious Christmas traditions as "Zwarte Piet" you may think that Dutchman Aron Winter was being a downright Grinch. Not true though, the very likeable Pitymeister was just in the wrong job in the wrong league under the wrong ownership. Nothing illustrated this more than those "9 Crazy Nights" that started the 2012 season.

　

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The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 3

"A TAXI FOR DAN GARGAN"

 

　

Few TFC transactions over the years can so consummately sum up the lack of preparation this club has during pre-season as this one. With barely enough players to fill a bench, Kringle-esque GM Maurice Johnston signed blue-collar plumber trialist Dan Gargan so late that the defender had to change into his kit in a taxi bound for Columbus' Crew Stadium.
A holiday miracle!

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!

THE STARTING 11: TFC Black Friday bargains

"TERRY DUNFIELD SOCK TASSELS!!!"

What symbolizes joy to the world and goodwill towards men more than getting in a fist fight over a children's toy at your local Walmart? Black Friday weekend has spewed its brand of warm and fuzzy feelings across the strip malls of North America and beyond, giving all the true meaning of the holidays at a can't miss 40% off! Never ones to miss an opportunity to make a cheap buck pass on savings to valued customers, MLSE opened the doors to the TFC Merchandise booths so the bottom of your Christmas Tree could be sullied adorned with this cheap tat glorious club memorabilia...

 

11. Half-price on "Bind-Us-All"® brand Red Threads

10. Mismatched Terry Dunfield sock tassels sold by the kilogram

9. Best offer on a bunch of unclaimed monogrammed towels embroidered with the initials "K.P."

8. Canada's largest selection of Julio Cesar merchandise!

7. 30% off all luxury hawk-feather throw pillows

6. Jars of "Erotic Butty Body Butter" for only $9.99!

5. 3-For-1 on all Tim Leiweke promises

4. Personalized elbow to the face from TFC legend Darel Russell

3. Collectible DVD "Maxi Urruti - The Toronto FC Era" (Running Time: 30 Minutes/ 7 Minutes of unseen bonus footage)

2. Buy 1 get 320 free Inukshuks!!!

1. SEATS! SEATS! SEATS!



The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 2

#LEIWEKELEAKS

　

What finer a holiday tradition than some homemade #hashtaggery? Courtesy of our jolly MLSE President Tim Leiweke who has never met a microphone that he doesn't immediately fall deeply in love with. While his loose lips aren't taking down western governments they do try to continually grease the rusty, black gears that used to be a TFC supporter's heart. #SilentNightPlease

　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!



The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar: Day 1

The humble, centuries old multi-faith celebration of Black Friday has passed and alas, December is upon us. As the Western World hurtles ass-over-tit towards the holiday season, we here at The Yorkies want to take the time to pause and reflect upon the traditions of the Yuletide period.

It's not all about waking up on Christmas morning and getting the new ColecoVision or whatever the kids on the streetz want nowadays. No, it's also about hearkening back to memories of yesteryear. Reflecting on the things that warmed our hearts - or in the case of Toronto FC, physically damaged our hearts in a very real medical way.

What better way to count down to Christmas than with that most Germanic of Weihnachten traditions - the Advent calendar? Jurgen Klinsmann helped us fix TFC, so why not right? However, in a more apt Toronto FC vein, we invite you back everyday until Kris Kringle of FC Santa Claus arrives on his DP contract, to open a new window on "The Toronto FC Sadvent Calendar" - a celebration of The Reds' most humbling moments.

Enjoy our gift to you this holiday season and be sure to tap your finger on the window of your monitor to receive a marzipan chocolate below! If there is no chocolate, it's not our fault - contact your local Internet service provider. Happy Sadvent err-body!

DAY ONE
"THE MISTA ERA"

There are few more magical gifts TFC could have bestowed upon the world than Spaniard Sean Penn-looky-likey, Mista. Washed-up before he got off the plane, Mo Johnston's last expensive kick at salvation angered fans, teammates and likely the cast of "Milk" proving that the holidays are more than just about expensive baubles. 　

Check back tomorrow and open another Sadvent window!