THE STARTING 11: TFC-themed video games

 

In the words of doe-eyed songstress Copa Del Rey: "(something, something, something) Video Games..." (Ed ~ What? What's a Lana Del Rey? I have to stop buying music from the UEFA website.) Anyhoo... video games. Growing steadily since the heady days of Centipede and its unhygienic arcade rollerball, the gaming industry now makes profits well into the hundreds of dollars. The release of FIFA14 this past week marked the appetite for football-related games and if there is any corporation that likes hundreds of dollars it's MLSE. Then they remembered they once bought one of those soccer teams... synergy! (INSERT COIN)

11. ANGRY BITCHYS

10. GRAND THEFT BMO: LIBERTY VILLAGE

9. CALL OF URRUTI

8. LittleBigPlata

7. PREKIMON

6. CUP FINAL FANTASY

5. PRESIDENT EVIL

4. BLOOM RAIDER

3. MO JOHNSTON'S JOHN CARVER'S CHRIS CUMMINS' PREKI'S NICK DASOVIC'S ARON WINTER'S PAUL MARINER'S RYAN NELSEN'S JIMMY BRENNAN'S FOOTBALL MANAGER

2. SPACE INVADERS II: ARGOS TO BMO FIELD

1. DONKEY KOEF



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. D.C.... or D.C.C. to be accurate

So DC is playing their C squad. So no DeRo? No Silva? Pontius? Kitchen? Well talk about the pressure being off. I'm not even going to put this up with any urgency. I had a series of well (read : passable) graphics and a theme for this match.  But I can save my best for later too.

It turns out that DC are in the US Open Cup on Tuesday. How quaint for us. Here's how the potential freebie 3 pointer played out.

15' - GOAL - DC United C squad has opened the ‎scoring against Toronto's best XI (injuries, suspensions and excuses notwithstanding). Not embarrassing or humbling in the slightest.  Gary or Greg or... someone scores.

ROBINS 0, DIVIDED 'C' 1

25' - GOAL - Darrel Russell gets on the end of a cross, pops it off of his chest, turns and buries it into the far low corner.

ROBINS 1, DIVIDED 'C' 1

33' - Cross finds Convey with some space, gets off a good attempt but it was stopped by the DC keeper Wilton... Wiarton... Wampus.  Whatever.

55' - Wiedeman from 7 yards out and no one but the keeper to beat takes a shot so mishit it appears that it landed behind him.  Terrible.  Never mind the 'modern era' gags, that was embarrassing.

67' - GOAL - nice cross but a nicer full volley strike from Dike, a.k.a. "Carnage" to absolutely bury it past Winston... Waterman... Wilson.  Whatever.

ROBINS 2, DIVIDED 'C' 1

70' - GOAL - Rey goes for a cross attempt, but it is ultimately deflected by the defender Tyler... Steve... Steven Tyler... Whatever.  It goes past the keeper.

ROBINS 3, DIVIDED 'C' 1

80' - SUB - Dike off for Braun.

84' - SUB - Convey off for Lambe.

87' - GOAL - Bearing down from the right side, Rey beats his defender... Dave was it? (does that sound right?  Are these guys anyone?)  and slots it in.  Pure class*.

ROBINS 4, DIVIDED 'C' 1

90+1' - SUB - Wiedeman FINALLY off for Bekker

Full Time : TORONTO 4, DC 1

Man of the Match : Alavaro Rey with the brace. He looked very confident on the ball*. 

Goat of the Game : Wiedeman. We've made jokes of Chad Barrett's shots shaking wide and De Guzman's shots firing well over the bar. Weidman's effort which appeared to end up behind him... I'm still in shock. 

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5. Not too whistle happy and bookings and fouls were reasonable. 

Kit Spotting : Hartford Whalers. If you want a measure how far we've fallen as an active supporters base, a hockey jersey won and it wasn't even close. 

I Am Not the Gaffer But... : At 3-1, why couldn't we have seen a few more minutes of Bekker or Elmer or some of those characters who's only run out involves warm ups on the touchline? Wiedeman should have been subbed immediately. And then raged at*.

It's difficult to want to say much positive about this match*.  ‎All analysis has to have that asterisk next to it because it was a faulty measure.  And conceding to this side, which could be chocked up to luck or lapse, is a telling indication of how much work is needed to refine this situation.  

At least the weather was nice.

Props to the Barra Brava and the Screaming Eagles for making the trek to watch their C team play.  Hope you guys lift the cup for your dedication and perseverance alone (we speak from tradition).

Player Ratings : Bendik 6*, Henry 6*, Morgan 6*, Agbossoumonde 6*, Bloom 6*, Hall 6*, Russell 6.5*, Rey 7.5*, Convey 7* [Lambe N/A] , Wiedeman LOL [Bekker N/A‎],‎ Dike 7* [Braun N/A]

 

* = insert "given that they are playing against the reserve side of the last placed club in the league so bad, they are on pace to set new records ‎in mediocrity." following the asterisk 

@ignirtoq got busy after the match and has continued for much of Sunday and still thinks relegation would be a wonderful wake-up slap in the mouth to players and supporters alike.. Hat tip to @BigWullieStyle for the "LOL" gag. 

THE MATCHUP: "Look over there... waffles!"

It's your basic 5-Waffle Plan

 

TORONTO VS. D.C. UNITED

　

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET

TV: TSN

THE KICKABOUT:

Wow. If MLS could justify erasing a match from their fixture list it is this one. A match-up so bad that TFC coaches Ryan Nelsen and Fran O'Leary got themselves banned from the touchline so they wouldn't have to watch... we assume. (This of course leaves Jim Brennan in charge... as was foreseen in the Book of Revelation.) The battle of the worst club in league history vs. the only other club that had the gall to have a worse record than them this season. A humdinger gang!

Even at full strength, this fixture should be a battle to see who is relegated to the NASL, throw in the fact that D.C has a US Open Cup fixture on Tuesday and the talent level that will be on display is rather mesmerizing. The last place club's reserve team against a club that has offered 7 years’ worth of reserve teams to their fans.

We would offer our usual pre-match malarkey here but we would say the "Players To Watch" are not watchable; "The Odds" are you are attending or watching through habit or obligation; and the "Post-Match Headline" is mostly old-man mumbling. Instead we bring you the highlights of the truly important TFC event of the day - The TFC Presidential Breakfast for (SOME) Season Ticket Holders! Not part of the royal gathering? No worries here are the best parts of tomorrow's shindig... today!

TFC 2013 BREAKFAST HIGHLIGHTS
-Tim Leiweke does not talk a word of "spin" nor "sizzle" during 45-minute speech from a throne of made of melted Stanley Cups and Tom Anselmi's reclaimed gold fillings. Ends rousing manifesto with a sing-a-long of "The Monorail Song".

- Ryan Nelsen spotted sitting alone at end of head table slumped in a chair looking either sleepy, dejected or like a lame duck. (TBD)

- Stefan Frei pulled to one side and told he isn't allowed to appear at the breakfast. Joe Bendik waves at him while happily munching on a pickle.

- Drama in the lobby of RealSports Bar & Grill as former TFC striker Collin Samuel is taken down by MLSE Security tranquilizer guns as he makes a mad dash towards the buffet table.

- Jim Brennan asked to chew up some tater tots and gently spit them into Bitchy the Hawk's awaiting beak.

- Danny Koevermans makes a "miraculous" recovery and is taken off the injured list to take part in the "Aunt Jemima's Million Dollar Dream Pancake Throwdown". Immediately goes back on injured list after the contest.

- GM Tim Bezbatchenko overheard haggling with servers to exchange his plate of scrambled eggs for a boiled egg and a 3rd Round Supplemental Draft Pick in 2015.

- All eyes on the giant video wall as the lights are dimmed for the showing of the 90-minute documentary: "Get Used To It: The Kevin Payne Year(s)"

- Hundreds temporarily blinded as shirt cannons misfire and scalding hot maple syrup is sprayed over front three rows of dining supporters.

- Everyone asked to leave the premises before the hounds are released and to "ignore the fact that only cold brown toast has been offered for 7 years as some serious back bacon is coming in January"



The Good, The Bad... The Overpriced - MLS player salaries illuminate unbalanced TFC

"The boys at Lambda Lamda Lamda will not be pleased!"

Toronto FC loves them a good bargain. They have turned a lame bird act into their own version of Bargain Harold's Benfica, they always sell players well before their expiry date (well, well before) and no one knows how to turn a 5-Year Plan into an 8-Year Plan with such simple calculations! But, what about when it comes down to their salaries?

 

Obviously things haven't been going their way on the paystub front so MLSE Emperor Tim Leiweke has hired "capologist"/80's teen film nerd Tim Bezbatchenko to slice and dice their salary sums. Well at least until there's a big enough hole for Leiweke to parachute in a couple of aging DP's to sell shirts and get injured.

 

Today, the updated MLS salary lists were unveiled and another chance for all us amateur capologists - it's what I wanted to be as a boy - to consider who is giving TFC the biggest bang for their buck. So stop throwing slushees off the upper level of the mall at Bezbatchenko and let's help the new guy look at some of the club's best, worst and mediocre contracts.

 

 

BEZBATCHENKOKAY!

- Joe Bendik $46,500

- Doneil Henry $62,083

- Matias Laba $200,000

- Jonathan Osorio $46,500

- Steven Caldwell $89,000

 

Not tons of bargains to be had but Caldwell and Bendik standout as getting a lot for your buck. Both have played major roles in the admittedly poor season but things would be even worse without them. Despite Laba's $200K he looks to be good value as the club's most technically gifted player by some stretch.

 

 

MEH-ZBATCHENKO.

- Bobby Convey $215,000

- Robert Earnshaw $155,150

- Jeremy Hall $90,000

- Andrew Wiedeman $65,000

- Bright Dike $60,687

 

Convey is the standout in the group due to his salary but also arguably the most consistent performer of the lot. A bit hefty though for a journeyman. Earnshaw barely didn't fall to the bad end of things but only due to his March and April - really shouldn't return in 2014. The others represent some basic deep bench strength. The more they are used as front-line starters, the worse things are for TFC.

 

 

BEZBATCHENKOUCH!

- Justin Braun $114,700

- Richard Eckersley $310,000

- Stefan Frei $200,000

- Danny Koevermans $1.663,323

- Alvaro Rey $204,450

 

Two standouts on this list are Eckersley and Koevermans. Ryan Nelsen pretty much stamped Ecks' passport back to England today moaning of his hefty (and it is) fullback salary. Despite The Ginger Ninja's proclamation that he is "not some ordinary fullback" - he is. And one making nearly double the league average at that spot. Cheerio Richard.

 

Danny Koevermans has fallen so far off the respect-ladder that it's a surprise he hasn't picked up yet another "injury". Now out with a supposed calf injury it is unlikely that Koevermans will ever wear TFC red again. We just pray it doesn't hinder his contract signing in The Netherlands on January 1st. God speed pancake astronaut. God speed. (Ed.~ look up Dutch word for sarcasm)

 

Frei is a bad-luck, sad-luck case. We like him a lot but nowhere in this league is there a place for a $200K backup keeper. For Frei, we genuinely wish the best for his career. Alvaro Rey may need more time to prove (or disprove) himself but that money on a Spanish 3rd Tier winger seems steep. Braun? Should be paying fans to watch him.

 

So there you are amateur banking aficionados, some of the highlights of the TFC 2013 salaries. Majority of the others more-or-less fall into place but hey, who knows what wacky calculations T-Bez is doing on his Casio calculator watch? Having to carve out that much space for Leiweke's vanity acquisitions will likely mean a lot more "Meh-zbatchenko" in our futures.



THE STARTING 11: TFC Emmy Award Winners

The fight against Anti-Manimalists starts with you!

 

Look, we haven't been friendly with The Emmy Awards since "Manimal" was overlooked by the right-wing anti-trans-species Hollywood agenda back in '84. However, controlling a powerful pop-culture, multimedia juggernaut like The Yorkies means we can't just ignore the annual awarding of prizes to the most base of sit-coms. But... when Jim Brennan wasn't even nominated for Best Supporting Facial Hair in the TFC TV series "All For One" we said "enough is enough!" Instead, we ponder an Emmy Awards on GOL TV where all the winning shows are TFC shows...

11. "Curb Your Enthusiasm Until January"

10. "The (Front) Office"

9. "Glum"

8. "Who's The Agbossoumonde?"

7. "Canadian Horror Story: Asylum"

6. "Maddening Men"

5. "So You Think You Can Coach"

4. "Boredwatch Empire"

3. "Evrybdy Lvs Rvs"

2. "Downtown Shabby"

1. "Broken Bad"



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Kansas City... or budget officiating strikes again

OK close your eyes.

Sorry, this is a blog. Pretend that you closed your eyes. Imagine if every other #TFCMajorAnnouncement resulted in a decent player acquisition... this side would have a bench. Instead we are reading and reporting and analyzing executive moves. New GM, new coach, new President, sack the GM, hire new GM. You'd think supporters were supposed to give a shit about the executive. We just wanna see good football staffed with talented footballers. Not too concerned with the how.

I'm sure in 6 months there will be ten new names on the backs of shirts. 

In the meantime, we go through the motions of winding down. Handful of matches left against superior sides and one against DC [Sick burn. ~Ed.]. 

So in light of the steady rain, I didn't even bother to write some notes. So point form of what I remember.  

• Sapong unmarked at the end of a cross, heads it past a helpless Bendik. ROBINS 0, COMETS 1 
• Collin is a wank and gets booked
• Collin can't control a pass from Legoman Nielsen, Rey poaches it, lays it off to Russell who one touches it and buries it from the edge of the top of the box. ROBINS 1, COMETS 1
• Collin makes a bad tackle on Rey and should be sent off, but the ref and linesman collaborate to blow that call. 
• Sapong unmarked at the end of a cross, heads it past a helpless Bendik, part two. ROBINS 1, COMETS 2
• Caldwell gets a straight red card for something 
• Collin ties up Braun in the air during a 93rd minute cross and no call.

Full Time : TORONTO 1, KANSAS CITY 2

Man of the Match : Darel Russell because he's got a more confident finish than Wiedeman 

Goat of the Game : If your job entailed marking Sapong then your name goes here. Also, Collin is a moron.

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  The officiating was so unbalanced it's difficult to think 

this idiot was impartial. Also, if there is a ref bias against Toronto, I don't see why they'd spend the effort. They're bad and if the visitors need the help then they're shit too. 

Poncho Spotting : damn it was wet...

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I'd be booking that meeting with the new GM for right after the press conference. 2 forwards, 2 midfielders and 2 backs.  And a roof.

Very comfortable in declaring that Kansas City is my most hated team. Neilsen, Collin, Peterson, and Teal Bunbury, stupid pajama looking kits and bad pseudo-Euro name rebranding. Also they're stadium is gorgeous with a roof!... Announced attendance was 12,000 which is getting closer to the truth of the 8,000 that were there... I picture Wiedeman following Russell around the training ground all week in hopes that he'll show him the secrets of doing fewer than six touches to settle the ball... Osorio deserved the two games. I like spirited challenges but that was careless and dangerous. Thumbs down on the league for waiting so long to pass judgement... man, a roof would be sooooo fancy right about now... @DuncanDFletcher gave me a killer one liner about Peterson before kick off, but I forgot it. It was gold. Trust me...  Dike was invisible today. Is it fair to assume that Osorio was the one that involved him in the game? 

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Morgan 6, Henry 6, Caldwell 6.5, Bloom 6, Hall 5.5 [Bekker N/A], Rey 7 [Lambe N/A], Convey 6.5, Russell 7, Dike 5.5, Wiedeman 6 [Braun N/A]

@ignirtoq would've liked to write more, but was soaked beyond everything.  Stupid weather and then the rain stopped AND the sun came out after nearly 24 hours of fog and misery.  Wanted to engage in post-match pints but preferred dry clothes instead.

THE MATCHUP: Wiz-zing all over the future

"And scoring is totally out of the question Toronto!"

 

TORONTO VS. KANSAS CITY

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET 360

THE KICKABOUT:
Back on March 9th, TFC began its journey through Season 7 at SkyDome (Soon to be future home of TFC while they retrofit BMO for the Argos. Just sayin'.) against these very same Sporting Kansas Cities. It was a bright start with our Eff Cee's recording a 2-1 win but as the long season continued, the two clubs went their separate ways. The deep Sporting now boast 13 wins and are 3rd in the East, a vastly more developed team than the 4-win Reds who only avoid the East basement due to D.C. United's craptitude.

The different direction for these clubs isn’t limited to the table however. Back in 2007 the Kansas City Wizards were a joke of a club being forced to move from an NFL stadium into a minor-league baseball park. TFC meanwhile were the darlings of MLS - a "real" football club in a soccer-specific stadium. Fast forward less than a decade and the re-branded Sporting boast raucous support, a solid on-field product and the finest football-only stadium in North America. TFC has two Tims, a Kiwi and are drawing up plans for the CFL.

Don't let MLSE know that the "Wizards" nickname is now available as well.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The PrekiMo Invitational"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Mark Bloom, Bright Dike, Jonathan Osorio
KANSAS CITY: Claudio Bieler, Jimmy Nielsen, C.J. Sapong

THE ODDS:
New TFC GM Tim Bezbatchenko's thoughts during match:
- "We've got a decent young core.": 50-1
- "There is much work ahead.": 10-1
- "Well, at least a CFL team doesn't play here. What? They are? When? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.": 2-1

WHO ARE YA?
By constantly saying he "won't rule out" the Argos move to BMO Field, Tim Leiweke is showing off his MLSE money-boner to anyone with eyes. It's inevitable as the RONA ads soon to be gracing the BMO Field pitch. What we weren't aware of is the great admiration Leiweke and MLS had for Kansas City Wizards when they used to play at the minor league baseball CommunityAmerica Ballpark.

Proving that an MLS club could play in those conditions has not only emboldened the owners to butcher BMO Field for the CFL but the ground will also soon be home to the Canadian Olympic Field Hockey Team, the Toronto-Area Gaelic Hurling League, a permanent training facility for GraveDigger the Monster Truck, harness horse racing, a community vegetable garden and a full oval stock car racing track around the new CFL-size playing surface. Not to worry though TFC fans... it will be intimate.

Promise. xoxo

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS OFF TO BE THE WIZARDS"
 

Allocation Moneyball as TFC hires new GM

Tim Bezbatchenko

Toronto FC has got their man. Again.

Not realizing that their Twitter hashtag #TFCMajorAnnouncement has become a parody-inducing thing of ridicule, The Reds gathered the local press for their annual catch-and-release of their new front office supremo. But who you ask could fill the shoes of Toronto legends like Kevin Payne, Aron Winter and Mo Johnston... why it's none other than child prodigy Tim Bezbatchenko!

Crickets.

Before you start getting your TFC-brand knickers (Available at RealSports for $34.99) in a twist, this is not a GM-signing like those in the past or akin to GM's in other North American sports. Bezbatchenko, most recently the MLS Director of Player Relations and Competition, is a numbers wonk. A man brought in to hopefully find every single loophole and crevasse that the league's labyrinth of salary rules has hidden in its belly-button.

In this brave new world, player targets seem to be firmly in the control of Ryan Nelsen, who in turn seems firmly controlled by Tim Leiweke. You would assume that Nelsen will identify reasonable targets that T-Bez (we're lazy, get used to it) will try to financially wangle while Leiweke aims to reel in the big fish like his horrendous hint dropping at a private meeting that he is looking at (gulp) Emmanuel Adebayor. Euthanize me now.

In the end, we will probably not see T-Bez in the spotlight like previous GM's but rather like a glorified Earl Cochrane. In theory, the set-up seems alright but when you consider a rookie head coach will identify players to a rookie GM all under the umbrella of a monorail salesman - it all gets very TFC.

One question that remained understandably unanswered today: When Leiweke's magical DP's don't arrive until August and TFC finds itself 2-10 in the summer forcing the dismissal of Ryan Nelsen (don't pretend it can't happen!!!) who is left to identify players? Something tells us that you should save up your best #TFCMajorAnnouncement gags for a rainy day in the not-too-distant future.



EDITORIAL: "It's all gone quiet over there..." But does TFC really care?

The blurst of times.

With apologies to the majority of the BMO Field population (circa 2007-2013), Toronto FC's image was built in large part on the visage of the South Stand. Now in no way are we claiming that the supporters in the south are more valuable or important than any others in the ground but it was the sizzle of the "European atmosphere" that TFC immediately harnessed to carve their place in Toronto's crowded sports entertainment market.

For the first few seasons, the club and its "benevolent" owners were handed a sweet gift from PR heaven - an organic (for the most part), grassroots supporter culture that was the talk of the town. Nary was a TFC ad or promo seen without the obligatory smoke-strewn, flag-waving, streamer-laden "Ultra" supporter that most other MLS markets lacked at the time. Word was out - Toronto had "the best fans in the league (TM)" and MLSE was more than happy to bottle it. The team thingamajig could come later.

Sadly, in true MLSE fashion, their promotional eyes grew too big for their belly and the fervent support they were so happy to promote was not rewarded... but rather milked. BMO Field ticket prices rose and game day expenses grew while expensive friendlies were shoehorned in on the back of this seemingly unquenched thirst for local football. Again, all while failing to meet the one request their fiery fans salivated over - a competitive side of their own.

Seven long and very unfruitful seasons later and the South Stand is a shadow of its former self. Large patches of empty seats and most noticeably an atmosphere that has gone from "European" down to "USL" levels. It is not a from lack of desire, no, TFC fans deserve all credit for still even discussing this team, rather it is the death by a thousand cuts of broken promises, greed and sheer drudgery. With the lowering in volume in the south, the rest of BMO Field has followed to become a fairly passion-free ground. The question is: do TFC and their owners actually care?

THE STARTING 11: Bitchy the Hawk replacements

"But you've been chasing me for nine months!"

 

In the grand scheme of things, Toronto FC's tedious attempts to turn Bitchy the Hawk into faux-tradition ranks as mediocre. Whether it has been through the creation of premature Walls of Honour or via numerous failed attempts at a club "anthem", the club has always tried to create history the same way they attempt to create a roster - by putting the cart before the horse. While some fans seem to enjoy Bitchy's "grand entrance" (why?) we find the whole thing rather clawing (forgive us, we know not what we do) and gives TFC the feel of Bargain Harold's Benfica. Alas, the club will probably continue with the mini-circus and while no one has heard that Bitchy's job is on the line - this is TFC - and potential replacements are always ready to step in...

11. Ned the Apathetic Incontinent Hound Dog

10. Reggie the Lamb

9. Bright Pike

8. Earl Cochrane in a Chicken Costume

7. The On-Loan Silverback

6. (Collin Samuel turned # 6 into a sandwich)

5. Joao Platypus

4. Btchy t Ltvn Dth Brd

3. The Allocationgator

2. Argo the Albatross

1. The 5-Year Plant