THE STARTING 11: Strange World Cup injuries

Yikes! Let's hope it's not # 7!

There are few worse ways for a player's World Cup journey to end than in injury. Being carted off the field to polite applause knowing you won't return must be devastating. This year's tournament hasn't seen any major breakdowns but it has definitely caused an array of strange ailments. They aren't unique to players on the pitch either - they can spring up amongst the spectators in the stadium, fans watching on TV and even lazy millionaire players who failed miserably and have an Italian coach who are now flyingbacktoLondonrightnowinfirstclasstotheirsupermodelgirlfriendsandgiantmansions - lazy $#!!cking useless &#$!s - NOW I"M SCREAMING!!!...... sorry. Ahem. Yes, unique World Cup injuries....
　
11. Malaise Au Francaise
　
10. Aching Bakofeng
　
9. Hairy Kewells
　
8. Cancerous Anelka
　
7. Scrote D'Ivoir
　
6. Messi Kaka / Messi Dunga
　
5. Vuvu-Mouth
　
4. Green Thumbs
　
3. Tshabalalacerations
　
2. Ghana Rhea
　
1. Busted Lippi

The South Stand Report : Toronto v Los Angeles... or Everyone Safe From Riot as Almost No Shots Fired

Yes. This is the best I could come up with.

There's a riot going on. Apparently. See, for those of you who don't know/don't have seasons tickets/don't own cable, Toronto is the epicentre for the G20 meeting taking place. Not to be outdone, it's also taking place for another non-appearance from Mr. Golden Bollocks himself (see crap logo above). Also, no Landon Donovan. Nor the huge mistake of letting him go before his skills peak future golden boot winner "T.O. Reject" Edson Buddle. Surely 3 points are a no brainer?

It's humid, it's a police state out there (0:25 seconds in, the reference is good), and somehow a decent crowd showed up amidst the chaos.

On to the match.

Predictions have a bunch calling for 1-0 Toronto, and a lone 2-1 L.A.

Quote of the match

Capitalism will survive through the night

~ Tony

Amen.

3' - Peterson with a cross and OBW nowhere to be found. To be rewritten in "Yorkies speak" but not racist in any way : Vanilla cross with no White to be found.

18' - Pathetic Bullsh*t Call #4 of the match, OBW "ran over" Omar Gonzales for a free kick. Replay showed otherwise. If I knew they were going to be called so fast and furious in the opening minutes, I'd have documented the previous 3.

21' - In the most amazing move in 113 solidarity, the fans make "fake vuvuzela noise" for a few mins. Made all the better by someone doing their best inane play-by-play voice complete with English accent. Brilliant.

25' - Vanilla takes a shot at the edge of the 18 yd box. First real attempt from either side. Labrocca follows with a shot wide right from 20 yards out.

35' - Labrocca has another nice attempt, this time from 15 yds out, that bends nice but doesn't dip quite enough. Why our midfield is our only one taking shots, I don't know.

42' - WHERE'S THE CHAD?!?! OBW can't wrestle candy from a 3 yr old let alone a ball from a defender. In this "trap" that LA has been playing well (with the help of some suspect calls from linesmen), White is completely useless, and speed is what we are severely lacking. Labrocca as another go from 20 yds out and is getting closer to goal.

Half Time Mood : more excitement sitting than standing.

45' - SUB - OBW out, Chad in. I know I could be the gaffer, but give up the glory of smart-arsed match reports? Are you insane?!

48' - Frei makes a stop from 10 yds out with the defence letting him down.

53' - Juninho (no not that one) has a go from 10 yds out that hits the side of the netting. All the more amazing that he accomplished that with 5 defenders around him. Ugh.

59' - SUB - Saric out, deGoo in. Tony points out that this should allow DeRo to play up more in the forwards role and let deGoo run the midfield.

62' - Kirovski takes a header from 9 yds out in the middle of goal and finds the hands of Frei.

64' - Vanilla goes down outside the box and the ensuing free kick smacks into the wall. *sigh*

70' - SUB - Vanilla out, Gala in. If I made an apple jacks reference, would anyone get it?

74' - Cazumba is sooooo injured (rolling around, clutching face, so you know it's serious). We kinda wished he had a brother playing along side of him so we could say "hey, check out the Cazumbas on LA!" but that's all for naught.

84' - DeRo makes a nice run, crosses to Gala who's first touch ends up somewhere near the food building. THIS was the most exciting thing all half and arguably all game.

4 minutes of extra misery

Full Time : Toronto 0, Los Angeles 0

Man of the Match : Labrocca for actually shooting the ball.
Goat of the Game : it was a team effort to be this anemic... so pick one.
Ref rating : 2 out of 5. England game notwithstanding (though eerily timely), this is why replays are good. Takes the idiot factor out of the game.

You would think that with LA missing three of it's key players (well, 2 and Becks) that the indomitable TFC at home, no less, would have romped over the toothless Galaxy. Well, apparently we left the dentures by the sink as well. A boring match. I mean, really? We were entertained by VUVUZELA NOISES. Honestly. So bad.

Granted, being spoiled by the World Cup has us longing for something better *cough*Major League what exactly*cough*, this game couldn't produce a talking point beyond how there was no talking point to be had.

The worst part was, with this whole political backdrop, I wanted to use a Rage Against The Machine reference soooo bad. I mean, they're political. Angry. But I can't. Too boring. Dull. Sad. The game could've used some of this...

THE MATCHUP: It'll be a riot

Seriously. No outside food or drink at BMO

TORONTO FC (6th) VS. LA GALAXY (1st)
　
BMO Field - Saturday 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONTARIO & PACIFIC ---RADIO: The FAN590
　
Tornadoes. Earthquakes. Anti-Globalization protests. Riot police. Ahh, summer in Toronto! Welcome Los Angeles Galaxy - thought East LA was bad huh? Yes, MLS action returns to Toronto Saturday night amidst the biggest shutdown the city has seen since Pope John Paul II wrestled a bear at Varsity Stadium. The G20 Summit has turned downtown Toronto into an "Escape From New York" set and MLSE really saw no economic value in postponing the match for its loyal fans. But hey - replica jerseys are available - ORDER NOW!
　
Major League Soccer's World Cup break has indeed ended and Los Angeles stroll (i.e. fight through barricades) into Toronto as the league's best team. Lucky for The Reds, Galaxy will be missing their two biggest stars, Edson Buddle and Landon Donovan, who are in Africa playing in some kind of little soccer tournament. 5-a-side or something. TFC isn't without its own woes as both strikers, O'Brien White and Chad "The Chad" Barrett, are late fitness questions. Not to worry though, apparently Mo Johnston is in the market for a new striker. (Oh, sorry. Those were my notes from 2007. And 2008. Part of 2009 as well.)
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Toronto Apocalypse Derby"
　
LA RIOTS: Donovan Ricketts GK, Omar Gonzalez D, Chris Klein MF
RED ARMY: Dwayne De Rosario MF, Stefan Frei GK, Adrian Cann D
　
THE ODDS:
- More than 300 fans showing up at BMO: 10-1
- LA press claiming "Toronto just too dangerous a city": 7-1
- Maxim Usanov punching a police horse: 2-1
- Supporter getting tasered for having a juice box in bag: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA? (Special G20 Edition)
- French and Italian G20 leaders will attend the match to see some "proper football"
- Preki has asked Summit organizers to build security fence around Stefan Frei
- Exhibition-bound GO Trains and streetcars to be armoured like in "Mad Max"
- Ultras' flares made redundant by tear gas smoke wafting in from downtown Toronto
　
ANARCHIST MARXISTS SAY: 1-0 Toronto
CAPITALIST FAT-CATS SAY: 1-1 Draw
HEADLINE: "G20 PROTESTERS DEMAND END TO POVERTY, GLOBALIZATION AND MO JOHNSTON"

GO Transit and TTC are operating normal service

South Canada's Cup dream ends valiantly

It's a bittersweet day for Yorkies everywhere. Our adopted "World Cup Minnow", the All Whites of New Zealand, were heroically eliminated from the competition earlier today. The Kiwis performed far above any pundit's expectation with a hat-trick of draws against Slovakia, Italy and Paraguay. The big three points they gained from those draws was enough to seal third place in Group F, finishing above abysmal reigning World Champions Italy and only just missing the knockout stages.
　
Of course the All Whites were helped massively from the now famous "Yorkies’ Bump" - the amazing boost teams get from our pre-tournament adoption. Opposite of the Sports Illustrated cover curse, teams will no doubt be lining up for our prestigious endorsement in the future. With Euro 2012 on the horizon we expect a call from Kazakhstan soon.
　
It's been a great showing for Canada too. See, New Zealand is really Bizarro Canada. On the other side of the world, generally nice people with a small population, a Commonwealth cousin, a loud and annoying neighbour who kind of speaks the same language and one plucky football club in that other country's league. So, in effect Canada almost made it to the knockout stages of the World Cup! Who needs the CSA?
　
It's been quite a ride for our plucky little friends but now it's time to set them free. Like a sheep that’s off to University of Wellington with the hope of becoming New Zealand's Prime Minister, we must let go. Well done boys... and you're welcome.
　
The All Whites are dead.
The Paraguayan passes,
Eliminated their asses.

The way to Sam Jose

Last kick at the NutCan

BREAKING NEWS! "News story that was completed weeks ago now official!" Read all about it here!

Yes, the worst kept secret in the wacky world of Toronto FC was made official today and the transfer of industrious midfielder Sam Cronin to San Jose is a done deal. Toronto receives that mysterious element known as MLS allocation money in return for a guy deemed worthy of drafting above current LA Galaxy defensive standout Omar Gonzalez only last year. What will be done with that allocation money is but a secret to a select few... and of course the First Wave Agency group.

The eternally hard-working Cronin proved himself as a solid and dependable, if unspectacular, workman who racked up the club's third most minutes played in his rookie season. In a year when TFC was splitting at the seams, the composed Cronin held his own and was even one of the outspoken critics of the state of the club after the New York debacle. Whether his alignment with the other critics (the equally departed Serioux, Robinson etc.) doomed his time in Toronto or if he just wasn't a "Preki guy" will likely stay secret for now. Either way, San Jose head (and TFC dream director) Frank Yallop has landed a player who will likely prove to be a solid MLS pro for years to come.

Meanwhile, back in the Mo-Cave... we'll wait breathlessly (can you breathe sarcastically?) for Mo Johnston to use the allocation money on a high quality unknown Eastern European/ unemployed Canadian/ elderly Brit/ First Wave client.

THE STARTING 11: North Korean World Cup bonuses

------------- It rewinds and... wait for it... fast forwards!

One of the quirkiest oddities of World Cups is the added bonuses that players are promised if successful. Yes there is prize money for the winners but it was always fun when the Royal Family of a Middle Eastern nation would promise any player who scored a goal a new Rolls-Royce or gold plated pyjamas. No official word but MLSE apparently owes Chad Barrett five Chip Buttys. The biggest bonus surprises at this year's World Cup would have to be from the ultra-secretive North Korea (or DPR Korea to its friends). Just what luxuries could be in store for the plucky communists?
　
11. Ten minute head start at next attempted defection
　
10. Free "Axis of Evil - 2010" t-shirts
　
9. Get to become pitchmen for popular North Korean sports drink "Democratic Peoples' Thirst Elimination Liquid"
　
8. Players and their families get two-night stay at "Sandals Pyongyang Resort Camp"
　
7. Kim Jong Il-style khaki jumpsuits for the whole team
　
6. Two month supply of spicy pickled cabbage upon return
　
5. Cameo appearance on North Korea's #1 sitcom "Everybody Loves Kim... Or Else"
　
4. Get face on stamp instead of stamped on face
　
3. Brand new Sanyo BetaMax VCR for every goal-scorer
　
2. Get to fire opening missile at World War III
　

1. Shoes!!!

Sweet jumpsuit

Boom! All Whites "So Hot" from Yorkies' bump

Little Toronto (aka Auckland, New Zealand)

We try to be modest here but we think we have a decent little site here that caters to footy fans of the Toronto FC ilk/ head wound victims. We had no idea however what tremendous power we wielded. Two days before the World Cup began, we officially adopted New Zealand (starring ex-TFC'er Andrew Boyens) as our "Yorkies World Cup Minnow". Previous to that day, few gave the All Whites (still not racist) any hope... now look at them. You're welcome New Zealand.

After surprising some in their opening match draw against Slovakia, the boys from "The Canada of the Southern Hemisphere" have today achieved their most historic result. A 1-1 draw with reigning World Champions Italy has shocked the football world today with the All Whites claiming arguably the biggest upset of he tournament so far. One more match to go for our adopted Kiwis and anything is still possible. They got boom, we got boom, let's go All Whites and boom the boom!

Capped! - June 19, 2010

Another week has passed and a few brave captionists managed to tear themselves away from the World Cup to try and be the week's wittiest supporter. But alas, there can be only one and the winner of last week's is "Better Best" with his apocalyptic vision of Maradona running amok through the the streets of Cape Town.

On to this week... we keep the World Cup theme going because hey - what else is going on in the world? No offence all-but-traded Sam Cronin but New Zealand's march to the World Cup trophy is far more important. Get captioning!

16 points from 16 matches

The Swiss totally "Roned" Spain

(Do you see the bear in the mountain? Just blew your mind)

With Toronto FC on a three week break, and doing little apart from trading hard-working assets for allocation money which will turn into Eastern European cast-offs, we're at a loss of what to do. Oh well, I guess we can keep watching this big soccer tournament everyone's talking about. What is it? The Global Soccer Championship or something? Africa right? Well each "soccering franchise" has played one game and here's what we've noticed so far...
　
- "Vuvuzela" is a Zulu word which translates to "wasp shoved in ear canal"
- France has more team infighting and backstabbing than a whole season of "Survivor"
- Greece may never win another trophy again
- Cristiano Ronaldo may have wet himself a little when surrounded by five angry Cote D'Ivoirians after one of his infamous dives
- The Slovaks are wondering if the Czechs want to "get the band back together" before their next match
- The USA are still celebrating their 1-1 win over England
- Serbia is regretting hiring Ultimate Fighters as their defensive coaches
- Australian newspapers had to fight the temptation to use the word "Blitzkrieg" after the Aussie's 4-0 loss to Germany
- Diego Maradona's beard actually makes him look less like a fat 59-year old housewife
- Brazil's navy on high-alert as North Korea claims their sovereignty was threatened by the 2-1 loss to the South Americans
- Denmark has officially protested to FIFA over Netherlands’ unfair tactic of "not sharing the ball more"
- The last line of 1980's sitcom "Family Ties" theme song and name of South Africa's goal-scoring hero are the same word: "Tshabalala"
- New Zealand indeed "Like to Rock the Party"
- England keeper Robert Green has made inquiries into emigrating to Canada
- Spanish officials have banned Gouda, Laughing Cow spreadable cheese and Toblerone from the team's hotel
- There is no way to disguise CBC's online stream of matches as an Excel spreadsheet when watching games on office computer

"Tshabalala!"

Of Kiwis and Cronins

Downtown Wellington was packed after today's 1-1 draw

It's a busy time for a Yorkie these days. Watching the 7:30AM match while brushing teeth etc. Getting to work just in time to catch the last 15 minutes and inevitably missing the match's only goal. Looking busy in front of the boss while having a wrestle with CBC's live online feed. Shuffling papers in mock business busy-ness. All the while, keeping an eye on those restless "Butty Boys" down at BMO Field. It's the best time of the quarter decade though.
　
Today's big news from Sith Ifrici is that The Yorkies very own adopted minnow New Zealand felt The Yorkies bump and got a historic draw! The single point against Slovakia was the All Whites (still not racist) first ever World Cup point. Winston Reid obviously "Likes to Rock the Party" as he headed home the equalizer very late in the match after some sustained (Inner.. Inner City) pressure. The Kiwis can rub their feathers in Australia's zero points face for today at least! We're proud of you our non-racially nicknamed adopted pals!

　
Meanwhile at the Mo-Cave...
The heavy rumours have been swirling around Toronto for a few days that TFC's 2009 1st round draft pick and all-round hard worker Sam Cronin is on the way out of BMO Field and it looks today like the deal is nearly done. Word is that TFC is only getting allocation money and/ or draft picks in return for the industrious midfielder with San Jose being the most likely dance partner. Optimists will say "they must be freeing up room for a major signing!" Realists will say "pants".
　
While it may look like a case of moving a surplus player for futures, it seems curious. Johnston liked Cronin enough to draft him higher than other, more promising players, so why relegate him to the bench then dispatch him for little? Nothing is for certain in the magical world of Mo and Preki but consider this nugget: after last year's 5-0 drubbing against New York, a huge dressing room rift emerged. The players who spoke out against the "management mess" were apparently Ali Gerba, Amado Guevara, Carl Robinson, Adrian Serioux, Dwayne De Rosario and Sam Cronin. Now De Ro is an untouchable but could this move really be the final sweep of the broom against the protesters? In G-20 spirit... we think Cronin just got gassed.

Cronin. Cronout.