AFTER 90: "V" is for (sort of) "Victory"

Take that Stan Smyl

On a night where majority of Vancouverdelphians (it's what they're called - read it in a book) were watching the Canucks, preparing to overturn cars in celebration/despair and/or colour coordinating their Lululemon pants, the Nutrilite Canadian Championship took to the pitch. Toronto FC revisited the scene of its 2011 opening match disaster with an eye on taking a 1st Leg advantage in the Final against Whitecaps.

　

With the announcement from CONCACAF earlier today that the winner would get a generous draw against the Nicaraguan Champion in the preliminary, as well as the chance to be in a fairly weak Group C, the NutCan suddenly became that bit more attractive. Would Vancouver remember they had a football team? Would Dan Gargan get beaten down the wing before kick-off? Do these yoga shorts make me look British Columbian? To Empire Field!

　

1' - Pre-game highlight package reminds us that Dwayne De Rosario once played for Toronto. How odd. Kick-off...

2' - The power of Stan Smyl as Empire Field's usual full house has been Canucked

3' - Whitecaps controlling early as Terry Dunfield shoots just wide of Stefan Frei

5' - Dan Gargan makes a good tackle AND stays on his feet. Maybe Sunday is the apocalypse after all.

8' - VWFC's Shea Salinas eating Gargan alive on the wing. Apocalypse cancelled - out of your bunker

12' - Disappointing that Whitecaps aren't wearing giant "V" kits a la disco-era Canucks

15' - Is a dominatrix the groundskeeper at Empire Field? So much black rubber in the field turf

20' - Nick Soolsma delivering many decent crosses but no finisher to speak of... again

23' - Empire Field security removing supporters for throwing granola and Birkenstocks during Toronto FC corner

29' - Stefan Frei the only thing keeping TFC in a match as Camilo tears The Reds' defence open but is stopped by The Goalblerone

32' - SUB: Jacob Peterson picks up an injury and has to come off for Matt Gold. Bob de Klerk - what do you say? "I love... Gooooold!"

36' - Maicon Santos and Joao Plata invisible so far. Who knew Vancouver had such good Latin nightclubs?

41' - Empire Field's plastic carpet eating hamstrings like the proverbial fat kid on cake

43' - Frei plays chicken with Whitecaps' resident bully Eric Hassli and luckily gets the call his way

44' - Nick Soolsma with a sharp volley at VWFC keeper Jay Nolly - the Dutchman has been the only offensive spark in the 1st Half

45' - Referee ends the half with Vancouver in the ascendancy

　

HALFTIME: VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 0 - TORONTO FC 0

　

45' - SUB: Tony Tchani out for Oscar Cordon as 2nd Half starts

46' - Adrian Cann gets away with what many refs would have called a penalty kick after a rash tackle

47' - Eric Hassli blasts one against the post. Toronto FC has come out in their regular 2nd Half "Nap Time" formation.

50' - TFC's policy of downing warm milk at halftime needs to be questioned

51' - YELLOW CARD on TFC's Dicoy Williams after a crashing tackle

52' - Camilo nails a strike that hit's Frei's crossbar. Pathetic play from a lazy Toronto FC

59' - Davide Chiumiento gets the ball from a terrible Adrian Cann clearance attempt and puts it just over the TFC goal. It should be 3-0 Vancouver by now

60' - There must be some ruined pairs of Lululemons in the crowd

64' - GOAL: Eric Hassli curls a beautiful strike past the outstretched hands of Frei

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 0

67' - Frustrating that young Oscar Cordon is the only player on TFC showing any effort in the 2nd Half. Veterans are MIA

71' - Cann with a half-chance to grab a sneaky goal after a TFC corner ends up in a messy goalmouth scramble

72' - GOAL: The true meaning of "against the run of play" as Maicon Santos appears for the first time tonight to deflect a Soolsma cross past Jay Nolly and giving TFC a valuable away goal. Shocking!

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 1

76' - SUB: Joao Plata out in a "defensive" substitution as Ty Harden lumbers into the match

77' - Whitecaps owner Steve Nash would have loved this if he hadn't have gone to the Canucks game instead

79' - The Reds opting for a very un-Dutch 7-3-1 formation

82'- Hipsters drinking smoothies angrily

85' - Gargan gets away with a ref's gift as he arguably back-passes to Stefan Frei

87' - Sections of crowd almost too upset to smoke their weed. Almost.

88' - Stefan Frei doing what he has to do every game. Making giant saves in the final minutes to preserve results

90' - Dan Gargan doing what Dan Gargans are meant to do. Waste lots of time.

90'+ - Alain Rochat comes within inches of giving Whitecaps a very late win off of his head. The ref blows the whistle to end the match and give Toronto a very gratuitous escape

　

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS 1 - TORONTO FC 1

(AGGREGATE 1-1)

　

So many times have we seen Toronto FC deserve a bit better but still leave with nothing from a match. Tonight, The Reds truly stole a "victory" from the jaws of a potential disaster. After scrapping through a 1st Half which was fairly even, TFC came out in the 2nd looking as if they had all taken Nyquil in the dressing room. Vancouver pounced on TFC as any team would do but were only able to score a single goal. While most, including yours truly, expected further folding from Aron Winter's squad they managed to find a little on-field presence and steal the precious away goal. Some defensive steel held off a superior Whitecaps for the rest of the match but in the end it's TFC looking like the victors and returning home for the 2nd Leg only needing a 0-0 draw or better to advance to the CONCACAF Champions League.

　

PLAYER RATINGS:

Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Adrian Cann 6 / Dicoy Williams 6 / Dan Gargan 5.5 / Jacob Peterson INJ / Tony Tchani 6 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Nick Soolsma 7 / Maicon Santos 6 / Joao Plata 5.5 / SUBS: Matt Gold 6 / Oscar Cordon 6.5 / Ty Harden -

　

TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Stefan Frei - Honourable mention to Nick Soolsma in his best TFC match

TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Dan Gargan - sorry if I'm mean

　

TALKING POINT:

You don't always have to be good to be lucky. Discuss

THE MATCHUP: Reds seek Empire strike back

TFC's defence shows its mobility

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS VS. TORONTO FC
NUTRILITE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP
FINAL - 1ST LEG
　
EMPIRE FIELD - WEDNESDAY 10PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET (ALL REGIONS)
　

NUTCAN WARS

　

Episode II

　

STRIKE BACK AT THE EMPIRE (FIELD)

　

It is a dark time for Toronto FC.

　

Although Mo Johnston has been destroyed, The NutCan has driven the Reds forces from the safety of BMO Field and pursued them across the country.

　

Overcoming the humiliating Opening Match embarrassment, a group of cup contenders led by Stefan Freiwalker has travelled to a temporary base in the remote pot-smoking world of British Columbia.

The evil lord Darth Lenarduzzi, obsessed with one-upping Toronto, has dispatched thousands of hipsters in Lululemon gear into the far reaches of Empire Field....

　

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "Return of the Redi"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH (aka 'WITH THE FORCE')
THE DARK SIDE: Jay DeMerit, Alain Rochat, Eric Hassli
REDI KNIGHTS: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS
- Adrian Cann's ball dribbling skills compared to "an AT-AT Walker with a football": 10-1
- Teitur Thordarson revealing he is the Nash brothers' father: 100-1
- Aron Winter and Bob de Klerk dressing as Lando Calrissian and Cloud City pal LOBOT: 250-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- TFC defender Dan Gargan's form this year has caused many to wonder if he had been frozen in carbonite over the off-season
- Upon tending to an open cut Eric Hassli, the Whitecaps' physio was heard saying "And I thought he smelled bad......... on the outside"
- Vancouver's revamped BC Place Stadium is rumouored to have a vulnerable design flaw in its Hypermatter Reactor Core
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH
"May de Forsh be wit you... alwaysh"
　
TAUNTAUN THORDARSON SAYS: 2-0 Vancouver
R2deGU SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "TOTAL FOOTBALL STILL FAR, FAR AWAY"
　
Many Bothans died to bring us this match preview.

Winter and de Klerk head to Empire Field

THE STARTING 11: TV promos for the Canadian Championship Finals

The Halftime show has t-shirts and everything!



We love us a bit of the old NutCan. While the Canadian Championship may be a far cry from England's FA Cup (we kind of lack the 755 other clubs), it is our national equivalent and has usually been good fun. 2011 saw a change to a knockout format which has led to an exciting two-leg final between the two "best" clubs - Toronto and Vancouver. Fans of these teams and Canadian footy fanatics in general are very excited about the final which starts this Wednesday but broadcasters are still struggling to attract more casual viewers. Could these catchy taglines be just the promotion needed to get more eyes on our NutCan?
　
11. "It’s like Europa League... with donuts!"
　
10. "Two clubs. One dream. Economy class to Nicaragua."
　
9. "Now with 50% more Lenarduzzi!"
　
8. "Teitur Thordarsen vs. Aron Winter press conferences: Where the English language goes to die"
　
7. "You will obey the wishes of Craig Forrest... or else!"
　
6. "For the love of Stan Smyl... please watch"
　
5. "Because darts has been pre-empted"
　
4. "The Canadian Champion: Like being FIFA's tallest midget"
　
3. Stay tuned for the halftime extravaganza: Former TFC managers in a musical tribute to "The Human Centipede"
　
2. "So much better than the Latvian Football Cup"
　
1. You can't spell "great" without "aggregate"!

AFTER 90: Mist opportunity

BMO Field: as seen from above tonight



Mother Nature is not a fan of chip buttys. Four out of five matchdays at BMO Field feature weather patterns / forces of nature that are taken out of the scary bits of the Bible. Frigid temperatures, searing heat, infestations of insects and today's Combo #5 of driving rain, mist, humidity and cold lake effect wind. As if we don't have enough to put up with in Toronto FC who were hosting the equally inept Chicago Fire tonight. Would 12,000 show up and 20,000 be announced? Would an ark be built for Bitchy The Hawk? Would Joao Plata simply blow away?
　
1' - It's wet but not too biblical as the match gets set to start with an impressive Chicago away support in the corner. Kick-off...
2' - Maicon Santos starts the match fast with a close-range effort
5' - Jacob Peterson brought down at the edge of the box. Maicon Santos drills the free kick into the Fire wall. Not a firewall.
7' - Dark grey skies looming in distance. That's good right?
9' - GOAL: Joao Plata takes the ball from the midfield, dazzles the Chicago defence and blasts a 25 yarder that stuns Jon Conway to give TFC the lead. He may be the real thing.
TORONTO FC 1 - CHICAGO FIRE 0
11' - Nick Soolsma showing some silky Dutch skills on the TFC counter-attack but pass to Santos goes out for a corner
15' - Ponchos outnumbering people 2-1
18' - Nick Soolsma having his strongest showing for TFC so far
20' - Dicoy Williams, Adrian Cann and Richard Eckersley having to cover for Dan Gargan's (yes he started) obvious shortcomings
25' - YELLOW CARD given to Julian de Guzman for a hard collision. He will miss the next match on suspension. Take that depth-chart!
28' - Gargan getting burned on the wing. Chicago has a game plan.
30' - Drizzle returns. Birds acting shifty.
32' - Plata mesmerizing Fire defenders with confident skills
37' - Chicago offence awakens. Marco Pappa don't pressure - we'll be losing sleep
40' - Wind acting shifty.
44' - Stefan Frei makes a massive save and Dan Gargan luckily escapes the MLS referee wrath in the ensuing scramble
　
HALFTIME: TORONTO FC 1 - CHICAGO FIRE 0
　
45' - Someone turned the page to Revelations. Wind swirling. Rain driving. Local wildlife hiding.
46' - GOAL: Joao Plata lays off a gorgeous pass to Maicon Santos who takes a speculative shot on goal - Jon Conway works on his Heurelho Gomes impression and the ball dribbles through his hands and into goal
TORONTO FC 2 - CHICAGO FIRE 0
47' - Nothing can go wrong now!
50' - Five minutes of driving rain and gale force winds have turned the pitch into a mess
54' - Rain is running the ink on my notepad. Please forgive the remaining report. I think it says "Plaza drivels to thy daisies"
60' - SUB: Alen Stevanovic in for Joao Plata. Surely that can't backfire.
63' - GOAL: Marco Pappa curls his free kick over the TFC wall - Frei didn't see the ball as it sliced into his goal. The crowd collectively inhaled nervously.
TORONTO FC 2 - CHICAGO FIRE 1
65' - Think a seagull just flew backwards overhead
68' - Soolsma's good game continues as he goes close on Conway
70' - Stevanovic playing well and draws both "oohs" and "ahhs" as he goes close on a stepover and shot
74' - Weather is truly throwing it down. Can't possibly get worse...
75' - GOAL: Dan Gargan is turned inside and out and Fire's Orr Barouch ends up sliding in the tying goal as the crowd all wonder why they put themselves through this
TORONTO FC 2 - CHICAGO FIRE 2
82' - Luckily Stefan Frei wasn't taking a call from any number of European clubs as his fingertips are the only difference between a draw and a loss as "The Goalblerone" makes yet another huge save
83' - SUB: Maicon Santos leaves the field for the "Doghouse Dreadlock" Javier Martina
86' - SUB: Matt Gold replaces Nick Soolsma in a defensive switch
89' - Toronto hanging on with all they have just to preserve a tie. Weather downgraded to Maelstrom
90'+ - Referee blows final whistle and ends any chance for The Reds to further self-destruct
　
TORONTO FC 2 - CHICAGO FIRE 2
　
As much as the weather was a big part of the story tonight, if the club uses it as an excuse - the groan from supporters will be heard across Canada. There is really no excusing a club for blowing a two-goal second half lead - at home - to an opponent who is winless in six games.
　
The disappointing fact will be how dominant TFC were through the first half of this match. The club was playing some inspired football lead by the talismanic teen Joao Plata. It would be easy to blame manager Aron Winter for making a bad substitution but that isn't really the case. Stevanovic was a solid sub for Plata and no manager would expect to see his team turn off their drive like a light switch. Blame can perhaps be placed for the inclusion of Dan Gargan which did directly lead to Chicago's tying goal but chastising Gargan alone is too simplistic for a club that is not ready to compete week-in and week-out at a high level. Much like tonight's weather, we need less storm clouds and more blue skies in the forecast.
　
PLAYER RATINGS:
Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Adrian Cann 6 / Dicoy Williams 6.5 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Tony Tchani 6 / Julian de Guzman 6 / Nick Soolsma 7 / Maicon Santos 6.5 / Joao Plata 8 / SUBS: Alen Stevanovic 6.5 / Javier Martina - / Matt Gold -
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joao Plata
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Dan Gargan
　
TALKING POINT:
If you get worse at a job, can you demand a 30K pay raise? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Great Lakes. Not great clubs.



TORONTO FC (13th) VS. CHICAGO FIRE (16th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV RADIO: FAN 590
　
Saturday sees Chicago Fire visit BMO Field in the unofficial "Dichioversary" of that famous match in 2007 where Danny Dichio scored the club's first goal and something happened with seat cushions. If only there was a song to sing every match ad nauseam to remember it! Fast forward four years and TFC is still in a building process - one that hit a stumbling block in Dallas. Aron Winter has been angrily (and justifiably) slating MLS referees for their part in the loss while glossing over the fact that TFC's 2nd Half response to going down by a goal was abysmal. BMO Field will have to be the resource for TFC points as road wins seem few and far between... again.
　
Having an equally bad go of things this year is Chicago Fire. The club that famously won the MLS Cup in its first year of existence missed the playoffs last year for the first time since 2004 and has started this season 1-4-3. Manager Carlos de la Cabos is starting to feel the Illinois heat as Fire are winless in 6 and are coming off a tepid scoreless draw at home to Vancouver. For either club, a loss will seem devastating.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Great Lake Lollygagger"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Tony Tchani
CHICAGO FIRE: Diego Chaves, Dominic Oduro, Marco Pappa
　
THE ODDS
- Bob de Klerk angrily suplexing a referee midfield: 10-1
- John Carver showing up at BMO Field to commiserate with Aron Winter: 100-1
- After four years, TFC supporters ironically refusing to sing "The Dichio Song" in the 24th minute of the match: 5000-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- The so-called "Dichioversary" gives TFC fans a chance to reflect on how things have improved since that memorable day. Like how much better.... umm. Oh! What about when... no that's not good... Remember when we won.... wait... that wasn't us. DeRo? Oh, yeah. Shall we just sing then?
- Be sure to get to BMO Field early as the Canadian Institute for the Blind will present the Major League Soccer referees union with a special award for competency in the workplace
- Former TFC goalkeeper / giant human, Jon Conway may be weary of returning to Toronto with the Fire after parting on bad terms. The huge shotstopper, apparently angered by his trade, dressed as Godzilla and rampaged down Yonge St. causing millions in damage and frightening the local Japanese community
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION OF THE MATCH
"Bob, do not be shuplexshing de refereeshe!"
　
LAKE ONTARIO SAYS: 1-0 Toronto FC
LAKE MICHIGAN SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "LAST REMAINING SEAT CUSHION TOSSED IN DISGUST"

AFTER 90: Damp in the heart of Texas

Pizza The Hutt - Head of MLS Referees



Mmm, wet Pizza Hut. The Texan weather god (I think his name is Jeb) decided to make Toronto FC feel at home by absolutely ruining FC Dallas' home pitch with a day full of wind, rain and other biblical misfortune. Seriously, that's downright BMO-like. Have you seen this week's forecast? Sun-sun-sun-sun-sun-pissing/football-sun. Anyhoo... back to Texas. Pow! Doritos! Lynching!
　
The second leg of TFC's Texas Two Step would indeed be played under stormy Frisco skies but would The Reds continue where they left off against Houston? Would Aron Winter rotate his line-up? Would Joao Plata blow away in a sudden gust? Does Pizza Hut Park have cheese in the seats? Let's shoot J.R.!
　
1' - TV coverage shows a post-storm rainbow in the Frisco sky. No, Joao Plata was not at the bottom of it with a pot of gold. In front of at least 17 Texans let’s kick-off...
3' - TFC's all-white away strip do make them look a bit like a missionary team trying to convert the heathens with God's game
6' - Wet surface making for a choppy start. Jacob Peterson with a couple of solid long-range efforts stopped by Kevin Hartman
10' - If football crowds are the "12th Man", FC Dallas are currently playing with 10 men
14' - Adrian Cann misses on a lunging tackle by about 7 Feet but FCD fail to punish The Reds on ensuing cross
19' - A Dallas fan went to the bathroom - attendance immediately dropped my 38%
21' - Richard Eckersley is one tough little ginger nut
27' - Neither team managing to hold possession for more than 7-9 seconds at a time
31' - Slippery turf almost causes Danleigh Borman to score an own goal on the end of an originally harmless cross
37' - "Flippin'" Eckersley almost "Breaks" Shea with crashing tackle and collects a YELLOW CARD for his efforts
41' - TFC has its first prolonged stretch of offensive possession
45' - PENALTY: All hell breaks loose as Dallas are gifted a dubious penalty on an inswinging corner. In a fit of Dutch rage, Bob de Klerk is sent off by the "oh-so-talented" referee. Daniel Hernandez steps up for FCD and GOAL. A terribly unfair way for TFC to end the half.
FC DALLAS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
　
HALFTIME: FC DALLAS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
　
46' - Bob de Klerk seen eating a pancake angrily in the stands
48' - After some messy passing Tony "Touch" Tchani tests Kevin Hartman from 30 yards out but can't beat the portly keeper
49' - SUB: Joao Plata being blown around by the wind is replaced by Javier Martina
57' - SUB: Nick Soolsma out for Maicon Santos... or possibly un-Brazilian alter-ego Mike Sanders
60' - Pizza Hut Park has a thin crowd crust
65' - TFC unable to hold possession or build any useful offensive opportunities
69' - SUB: Super Villain Mikael Yourassowsky emerges from his secret underwater bunker to replace Alen Stevanovic
71' - FCD forward Marvin Chavez gets a clear route on goal but Stefan Frei saves his bullet shot preserving the one goal margin
74' - Javier Martina won't help his doghouse status by collecting a YELLOW CARD for diving pathetically in the Dallas area
79' - The TFC YELLOW CARD party is joined by Danleigh Borman. Maybe he was bored. I am.
81' - Most clubs play "garbage minutes" when holding a lead. TFC decided to try to play a whole half of it while down a goal
83' - Maicon "Mike Sanders" Santos goes down injured. Until that point had forgotten he was on the pitch
88' - Pizza Hut promo gives away free pizza slices to whole section at stadium. Forced to hand out 1 1/2 slices
90' - Dicoy Williams figures he has as much chance at scoring as the TFC "forwards" and takes a long-range blast. Ball last seen heading towards Ft. Worth
90+ - Remember back in 2007 (and 2008, 2009 and 2010) when we desperately needed strikers? Good times.
　
FULL TIME: FC DALLAS 1 - TORONTO FC 0
　
The match in one word? Damp. Sadly it wasn't just the weather falling under that description. A 1st Half that was decent at best due to a soggy pitch was ruined at quite literally the last minute by yet ANOTHER Major League Soccer referee who wanted to be the star of the show. The game-changing call against TFC proved to be the only marker on the scoreboard in a night where "sexy" football stayed at home - like most of the FC Dallas supporters.

The real damp squib for those in these parts however was the reaction of TFC in the 2nd Half. Would they be fired up and lusting on revenge after being unjustly penalized and having to watch their Dutch hitman/ assistant coach Bob de Klerk banished from the field? Umm... no. TFC played a shapeless, uninspired and totally-not-total football half which failed to threaten chubsy-wubsy Dallas keeper Kevin Hartman once. TFC will be able to lean on the penalty call as their excuse for this match but coming home with still only 1 point on the road is beyond poor referees.
　
PLAYER RATINGS:
Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Adrian Cann 5.5 / Dicoy Williams 6 / Danleigh Borman 5.5 / Jacob Peterson 6 / Julian de Guzman 6.5 / Tony Tchani 6 / Nick Soolsma 6 / Alen Stevanovic 6 / Joao Plata 6 / SUBS: Javier Martina 5.5 / Maicon Santos 5 / Mikael Yourassowsky -
　
TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Who else? Stefan Frei
TFC GOAT OF THE MATCH: Adrian Cann... not the PK, the laziness
　
TALKING POINT:
Does carrying a Brazilian passport really make one Brazilian? Discuss.

THE MATCHUP: Deep in the Hut of Texas

Way better than Amarillo Wednesday

FC DALLAS (10th) VS. TORONTO FC (13th)

　
PIZZA HUT PARK - WEDNESDAY 9PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
Pow! Freedom! Colt .45! Chuck Norris! Rodeo! Fatties! It’s all gone Lone Star for Toronto FC as The Reds head deep into the heart of Texas to face FC Dallas, fresh of a win against Hoops' state-rivals Houston. Unless this is a "Dallas" dream sequence of course!
　
Schellas Hyndman and his "Club Formerly Known as the Dallas Burn" have been steadily climbing the MLS table after stumbling out of the gate early. The 2011 MLS Cup runners-up haven't yet matched their form of late last season but are still a solid and dangerous team - especially at home in Pizza The Hutt Park. However, FCD do expect to be without talisman David Ferreira for this match as their leading scorer is still likely out with an injury.
　
For Toronto FC, momentum will be the name of the game. Coming off of arguably their best match of the season against Houston Dynamo, The Reds will try to string two wins in a row for the first time in 2011. It will be interesting to see if manager Aron Winter decides to give MLS Player of the Week Joao Plata his second start on the trot or whether squad rotation is in order. With two matches a week the norm for the foreseeable future, including The NutCan Finals, TFC's depth is going to be greatly tested. Rib eye steak! Pick-up truck!
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Pizza Hut Hoedown"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Julian de Guzman, Stefan Frei, Alen Stevanovic
FC DALLAS: Fabian Castillo, Martin Chavez, Kevin Hartman
　
THE ODDS
- Joao Plata disappearing... being found under 10-Gallon Stetson: 3-1
- Toronto hockey broadcasters wondering aloud why both teams are called "The FC's": 5-1
- 80's TV drama "Dallas" considered less a soap opera than TFC: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Pizza Hut Park is located in the Dallas suburb of Frisco. Residents are called Friscolays and the main exports are bovine testicles, giant belt buckles, unexplained gunshot wounds and freedom
- FC Dallas were embarrassed last November by unveiling a giant "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner over their stadium a week before the MLS Cup Final
- Pizza Hut Park was built as a soccer-specific stadium but has been forced to share space with high school gridiron, the rodeo clown olympiad, amateur demolition derby and local executions
　
DUTCH-ENGLISH PRONUCTATION OF THE MATCH
"Who ish shootingsh de J.Rsh?"
　
CHEESE IN THE CRUST SAYS: 1-0 FC Dallas
PIZZA PIZZA 50/50 SAYS: 0-0 Draw
HEADLINE: "TFC LOSES SHOOTOUT IN DALLAS - 8 CRITICALLY WOUNDED"

THE STARTING 11: New Joao Plata nicknames

Mr. Platadopolous is hilarious!



For a fanbase that has had little to cheer about over four years, a little treat is well-deserved. And we do mean little. At a generously listed 5 Foot 3, Ecuadorian whiz-bang Joao Plata has stutter-stepped his way quickly into Reds supporters' hearts with his skilful play and "against all odds" attitude. Plus, he's just so cute and adorable! The current MLS Player of the Week, who came to Toronto as a late SuperDraft gamble, arrived with the nickname "La Platita" (Little Silver) but we just wouldn't be doing our jobs if we didn't offer up these new monikers for your consideration...
　
11. Jwow Plata
　
10. El MosQuito
　
9. Grandes Piquenos (aka Biggie Smalls)
　
8. Joaopoleon Dynamite
　
7. Elfcuador
　
6. Joaoggsy Bogues
　
5. The $9 Pint
　
4. Fivethreedinho
　
3. Half A Man - Half Amazing
　
2. Santos' Little Helper
　
1. Los Webster

An Investor's Guide to Toronto FC Salaries

"Everybody's got a price..." We're just surprised about Gargan's

Every year, Major League Soccer's financial boffins do their best to hide player's salaries from the public in a New York City vault. Every year, Major League Soccer's Player Union releases the numbers anyway. 2011's numbers were made available this weekend and Toronto FC's spreadsheet made for some interesting reading.

　
Since The Reds are operated by a group of old, white rich men whose bottom line never includes a trophy - we thought we'd help out by breaking down the numbers investment style. Get out your portfolio and Buy! Buy! Or... Sell! Sell! Salaries are listed in American funds and represent the approximate guaranteed salary... currency exchange into Dutch Guilders available upon request*.
　
A STEAL!
NANA ATTAKORA 45K
Should increase with new contract. IF there's a new contract
DANLEIGH BORMAN 42K
Not everyone's favourite but a usable winger at a bargain price
STEFAN FREI 155K
At any price - where would TFC be without him?
JOAO PLATA 42K
Potential cult fave and just 19 years old. Sadly not paid per inch
DICOY WILLIAMS 50K
A bit raw but a big upside and a big body on defence
　
VALUE FOR MONEY...
ADRIAN CANN 132K
Pre-season blip forgotten - has been steady in defence
RICHARD ECKERSLY 90K
Early signs show a capable MLS winger with upside
ALAN GORDON 96K
Very useful target man and good veteran influence
JAVIER MARTINA 96K
A little bit shaky lately but still a high-skilled player
NICK SOOLSMA 86K
Disappeared early but now looks like a useful squad forward
TONY TCHANI 194K
The prize from the DeRo trade has a very big upside
MIKAEL YOURASSOWSKY 81K
Worth it for the name puns alone
GIANLUCA ZAVARISE 46K
Versatile young Canadian at a low price
　
DID YOU KEEP THE RECEIPT?
ELBEKAY BOUCHIBA 92K
Anyone know if he still exists?
JULIAN DE GUZMAN 1.9M
He is quality - but position could be filled for much less in MLS
DAN GARGAN 70K
A 30K pay raise but still can't mark an attacker to save his life
TY HARDEN 73K
Seems pricey for a very one-dimensional defender
JACOB PETERSON 150K
Versatile with decent skills but hefty price for his output
MAICON SANTOS 126K
Need to see much more consistency... and Brazilianess
ALEN STEVANOVIC 225K
Could be great - if he learned to involve teammates
NATHAN STURGIS 89K
The legacy of Earl Cochrane: General Manager
　
BLUE CHIP INVESTMENTS
OSCAR CORDON 32K
Could make more at McDonald's - a decent future ahead
MATT GOLD 42K
Has had chances recently - squad capability in future
DONEIL HENRY 43K
Reserve team for now
MILOS KOCIC 42K
On standby for when UEFA clubs snatch Stefan Frei
NICHOLAS LINDSAY 43K
Spend it on better winter hobbies son
KEITH MAKUBUYA 32K
See you in the reserves for now Booyah!
ASHTONE MORGAN 32K
Reserve-ing judgement
DEMITRIUS OMPHROY 42K
Top pick yet to make the jump. Spending cash on tattoos
MATT STINSON 32K
Not on the First Team radar for 2011
　
*Not available upon request. Blame the Belgians.... or Virgil.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Houston... Or how to lower your standards in 90 minute increments

After last Wednesday's classic against Edmonton where the side scored early and then auto-piloted all the way home, it's hard to get amped for a game with real meaning. Coming off a loss in the league that really put a dent into our Cascadia Cup campaign against Seattle, perhaps home can bring back some focus, stability and a positive talking point beyond the traditional "Frei played well..."1 - Ahhhh... Beautiful weather. Not a cloud in the sky!

11 - deGoo puts one heading towards the top corner but stymied with a great stop by Hall
30 - Nothing terribly noteworthy other than TFC has had a long spell of control which in itself is terribly noteworthy. Its so Matryoshka dolls...
33 - Dynamo is really seeing the theatre skills really pay off with all of the play-acting
36 - Soolsma crosses to Peterson and heads over the bar. Fun stuff
38 - Ref is falling for the acting again... Masterpiece
42 - YELLOW - Williams for catching his man and getting punished for more than a push
44 - Plata can't (or could never) get to the long ball well over his head, or "just over his head" for normal height people.

HALFTIME: TORONTO 0 - HOUSTON 0

46 - Peterson gets free and puts a low shot bottom right stopped by Hall
49 - PENALTY - Soolsma gets his shooting foot taken out from under him in the box. Clear and correct decision
51 - GOAL - Plata converts. Grande Piqueno puts it under the bar so simply. Next time Tchani...
53 - Eckersley sends a pretty low ball across the face of goal, Peterson was there for it but Hall got there first. Heady stuff
56 - Eckersley runs a Houston attacker off the ball enough for Frei to get the ball. Williams, already in the books did well not to haul him down.
59 - Eckersley with two fab crosses and Peterson is craving the taste of a goal so bad you can feel it.
62 - Wow, WTF. Penalty for Plata and a card to Hall for the tackle... Then card rescinded and no penalty... I didn't know you could do that. All the refs that have screwed up calls in big games and it turns out there is a mulligan in the FIFA rule book. Or these discount refs are just making up shit as they go along. Wonder when he'll produce a blue card...
75 - SUB - Stevanovic off for Santos
76 - SUB - Peterson off for Gold
81 - GOAL - Wow. Plata lays it through to Maicon who one touches, into the box and slots it past hall like a pro. F*cking magic.
87 - GOAL - Lovel Palmer gets a hold of a long pass backwards and rockets one from 20 yds out. Frei wasn't going to stop it, but the only true lapse in a good game for the TFC back four.
89 - YELLOW - Eckersley booked for a clumsy tackle after losing the ball pushing too far ahead and taking out the Houston defender

3 mins of ET

92 - SUB - Plata for Gargan. Queue standing ovation.

FULL TIME : Toronto 2 - Houston 1

Man of the Match : Plata. Absolutely brilliant. Legendary perhaps. First Robin to deserve a standing ovation sub in a very very long time
Goat of the Game : n/a

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5. It would be 2 except he blew calls for Houston like he blew them for TFC and the last yellow was correct. Even in the face of the rewind debacle.

Team ratings : Frei 7.5, Williams 7, Cann 7, Eckersley 7, Stevanovic 6.5 (Santos 7 for the goal), deGoo 7, Youassowsky 6.5, Plata 8 (Gargan -), Soolsma 6.5, Tchani 6, Peterson 7 (Gold -)

First match in a long time that I've been fully satisfied in a performance... All character players showed the heart and strength the side needs to gut out three points... Sometimes it feels like their mediocrity allows one to feel that a good performance is a 'masterstroke' simply by playing well, so perhaps the bar has been lowered... check in next game... Good supporters know that you sing when you're winning, but scream when you're losing... Would've tweeted more (ignirtoq) during the game except I wrote the whole report on the phone... Note to self : pack more pens, idiot...