THE MATCHUP: Back To Back Caps - Episode One: "The Cappening"

Toronto v. Vancouver again? Enough already!

TORONTO (17th) VS. VANCOUVER (18th)

　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Has TFC improved since the opening day drubbing at Empire Field?
- Is there a scientific possibility that Dan Gargan will appear in The Reds' midfield ever again?
- Is the priority over these two matches the league fixture or the NutCan replay on Saturday?
- Would any TFC player have the heart to break his nose during the game only to stay on and score a goal? (Or even just score a goal?)
- Will Eric Hassli make it through the airport without a red card?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel II: East Coast Flava"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Richard Eckersley, Stefan Frei, Maicon Santos
VANCOUVER: Camilo, Jay DeMerit, Eric Hassli
　
THE ODDS:
- Any other market in MLS tuning into this game 30-1
- Dwayne De Rosario being traded to Toronto before the match: 50-1
- Joao Plata getting caught up in Jay DeMerit's beard: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Word is that TFC is close to signing Dutch striker Danny Koevermans not for his scoring touch but because his name sounds like Vancouver. From a marketing point of view - Vancouver is so hot right now!
- This two-match stretch is the longest two Canadian clubs have spent together since the North York Rockets and the Hamilton Steelers went on that ill-fated flight over the South Pacific that was never found
- FIFA has been asked to investigate Vancouver Whitecaps after ignorant foreign fans complained that the team is neither British nor Colombian
　
THE WAGER: 2-1 Toronto (2011: 14-8 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "TFC GLAD TO SEE BACK OF CAPS... FOR 2 DAYS"

THE STARTING 11: Effects of playing Vancouver Whitecaps twice in a week

#soccerbowl79 - So hot right now!

A common joke term used to describe Canada is "America's Hat". However, if you look at the two Canadian clubs in Major League Soccer - it's more like "America's Bib". While the perfectly perfect Vancouver Whitecaps have the excuse of being a first-year MLS club to wash away their sins, the local club just has to rely on its corporate motto "Rebuilding Since 2008". To be blunt, if MLS does ever go Single Table, Canada’s teams would be those felt circles under the legs. Anyhoo, as our west coast cousins set up camp in T.O. (Wednesday for a league fixture and Saturday for the replay of the biblically denied NutCan Final) we wonder what the local effects of having this much Whitecap in our midst will be...

　
11. Local Lululemon outlets report huge spike in sales
　
10. Rogers Cable employees constantly crank-calling Caps' hotel - asking them to switch their Bell jerseys for a Rogers one
　
9. Vancouver goalkeeper / adult film star Joe Cannon spending days trying to frame hilariously saucy shot of him and the CN Tower
　
8. The discovery of eight lost local Nash brothers
　
7. Somehow #soccerbowl79 keeps trending on Twitter
　
6. Canadian National Team players from both clubs try to have Canada Day picnic - easily pushed away from last picnic spot by elderly family from Panama
　
5. TFC gets the chance once-and-for-all to prove they're only the second worst club in MLS!
　
4. Toronto stationary stores stocking up on red cards in preparation for Eric Hassli's arrival
　
3. Somehow the Boston Bruins win the Voyageurs Cup
　
2. Mayor Rob Ford's spot in this weekend's Gay Pride Parade taken by Bobby Lenarduzzi
　

1. Two times the riots!

AFTER 90: Real ugly in Utah

No need to be so rude Kyle Beckerman!

IN THE TUNNEL:

With the Gold Cup Final taking place simultaneously (smooth move Garber), the Women's World Cup starting tomorrow, The UEFA U-21 Final earlier today and the FIFA U-17 Championship under way - nearly zero eyes are on this match. Thankfully that means the horror of the Gargan-Sturgis-Zavarise midfield will reach few eyes...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - A beautiful night in suburban Utah. A smallish crowd made larger by the amount of sister wives in attendance. Kick-off...
4' - Natty Dread Kyle Beckerman takes a shot which Stefan Frei loses in the sun. Gets a kicking in the ribs from Alvaro Saborio on the ensuing rebound
10' - RSL passing the ball around like Utah legends Stockton & Malone
14' - Danleigh Borman clears a sure RSL goal off the TFC goal line that had beaten Frei a little too easily. All Real so far
20' - RSL testing the sun drenched Frei with long range shots
23' - Will Johnson forces a good two handed save from Frei. What a quality Canadian midfielder he is. Hey, I wonder what ever happened to that Julian de Guzman fellow?
35' - How can RSL supporters not sing "Jason Kreis... Superstar"?. Too blasphemous for Utah?
39' - GOAL: Like a cat playing with string. It was only a matter of time as Nat Borchers powers home a header from an RSL corner
REAL SALT LAKE 1 - TORONTO FC 0
41' - GOAL: Truly awful defending as the ball bounces over three Reds before landing at the feet of an unmarked Saborio who easily scores
REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO FC 0
44' - Can TFC's defence be written off as a charitable donation?
　
HALFTIME: REAL SALT LAKE 2 - TORONTO FC 0
　
45' - SUBS: Mikael Yourassowsky in for Joao Plata and Academy product Matt Stinson in for Javier Martina. 2/3 of the front line out says all you need to know.
52' - TFC always seems to play better when any chance of a result has long gone
58' - RSL have re-established full control of match
59' - See above. GOAL: Alvaro Saborio eats Doneil Henry for a snack and beats Frei easily
REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 0
63' - Richard Eckersley's face is matching his hair in frustration
64' - SUB: Nick Soolsma in for Dan Gargan. It would be too easy to write a joke
66' - GOAL: The enigma that is Maicon Santos makes his once-a-game appearance and drives a long range blast past Nick Rimando
REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 1
71' - Eckersley has become the pantomime villain at Rio Tinto garnering loud boos with every touch
80' - RSL are starting to put match in cruise control
83' - The TFC transfer window better have players pouring out of it like clowns out of a tiny car
88' - If the rest of the team had a portion of the fire in their belly that Eckersley has, this club would be in many more matches
90'+ - A poor match for TFC mercifully ended by the referee
　
FULL TIME: REAL SALT LAKE 3 - TORONTO FC 1
　
IN THE BATHS:
What can be said about this match that hasn't been said about majority of The Reds' away fixtures this season? Yes, the club is currently decimated by injury and a shallow roster but there hasn't been forward development in quite some time. The truth is that TFC is currently in a limbo state. Aron Winter's "revolution" has obviously gone as far as it can with the current crop of "talent" and anyone with any investment in this club is counting the days until the transfer window flies open. Sadly, by the time July 15th rolls around there is a very good likelihood that TFC will be the worst team in MLS. Even the most pessimistic Reds supporter (yes, it's likely me) didn't expect that this year.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 6 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Doneil Henry 5 / Ty Harden 5.5 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Dan Gargan 5 (Nick Soolsma 6 ) / Nathan Sturgis 5.5 / Gianluca Zavarise 6 / Javier Martina 5.5 (Matt Stinson 5 ) / Maicon Santos 6 / Joao Plata 5.5 (Mikael Yourassowsky 6 )
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Richard Eckersley
TALKING POINT: Can you order a transfer "bay" window? Discuss

THE MATCHUP: Not looking Real good

REAL SALT LAKE (5th) VS. TORONTO FC (16th)

　
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Will TFC have enough healthy players to make up a midfield?
- Are the recent positive and optimistic Reds player's sound bites real or simply an effort to appease anxious supporters?
- Even though Julian de Guzman is officially still with the club, is he really "with" the club?
- Remember a few years ago when RSL were worse than Toronto FC?
- If Maicon Santos played for RSL, how many wives would he keep?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Pinto at Rio Tinto"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Will Johnson, Nick Rimando
TORONTO FC: Richard Eckersley, Stefan Frei, Joao Plata
　
THE ODDS:
- Richard Eckersley calling up ex-teammate Alen Stevanovic - asking him how you get out of "these loan deals" so easily: 15-1
- Julian de Guzman mistaking Real Salt Lake for a Spanish club - demanding a transfer: 25-1
- GolTV trying to help ratings by interrupting 2nd Half of match for highlights of 1980's Utah Jazz to the music of Utah Saints: 50-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Real's Head Coach controversially turned down a promotional opportunity with a major Utah organization when he refused to legally change his name to "Jason Kreis of Latter-Day Saints"
- News has been hard to come by in regards to Julian de Guzman's post-Gold Cup "injury" but medical observers are hypothesising it is down to either Post Traumatic Vertical Follicle Disorder or Lamborghini-itis.
- The Salt Lake suburb of Sandy, Utah is home to Rio Tinto Stadium. The town was founded in 1989 by pioneers Karl Malone and John Stockton. Local residents are called Sandinistas and the main exports are tiny basketball shorts, wives and family musical acts.
　
THE WAGER: 2-0 Real Salt Lake (2011: 13-8 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "REDS GET SALT LAKE POURED ON WOUNDS"

Mid-Term reports at The Aron Winter Academy of Total Learning

Even the architecture is 4-3-3!

When Preki Junior High permanently closed its doors last year, and crusty Dean Mo Johnston was sent packing, no one knew what place of learning would take in the young Reds. Then, just before the school year began, word emerged that the prestigious Aron Winter Academy of Total Learning would open its doors with promises of cultured education and advanced philosophy nurturing the minds of Toronto's footballing pupils.

　
Led by tough Headmaster Aron Winter, wacky firebrand Vice-Principal Bob de Klerk and experienced Superintendent Paul Mariner, a new era of higher education was to dawn over the Lakeshore campus. The halfway point of the school year has arrived and time has come to mail home Mid-Term report cards to the young lads in their sharp red uniforms.
　
GOALKEEPING 101
STEFAN FREI: "Star pupil. May leave for fancy European school" A
MILOS KOCIC: "Quiet. Helps pal Stefan with homework" N/A
　
DEFENSIVE ARTS & CRAFTS
NANA ATTAKORA: "Issues with tuition Dept. Can do better" C+
DONEIL HENRY: "Promising freshman with a bright future" B -
DAN GARGAN: "Curriculum too advanced. Rides the short bus" D
ADRIAN CANN: "Playground injury. Concentrate on modelling" B -
TY HARDEN: "Big, but slower than Elmer's Glue" C
DANLEIGH BORMAN: "Didn't do homework on 'Sith Ifrici' trip" C +
RICHARD ECKERSLEY: "Stand-out exchange student. Crayon hair" A
DICOY WILLIAMS: "Big strong kid. Very laid back. Irie" B
　
MIDFIELDOLOGY
JULIAN DE GUZMAN: "Local rich kid. Doesn't want to be here" C
NATHAN STURGIS: "Very cooperative. Name like a Naval officer" C +
OSCAR CORDON: "Freshman full of beans. May need Ritalin" C
MIKAEL YOURASSOWSKY: "Your Ass usually rolling on the ground" C
TONY TCHANI: "Bright future. Runs like an angry giraffe" B -
JACOB PETERSON: "Plain but useful. Hall Monitor" B -
MATT GOLD: "That much ginger on one boy is unhealthy" C -
GIANLUCA ZAVARISE: "Most Italian part of talent is his name" C
　
FORWARD THINKING PHILOSOPHY
JOAO PLATA: "Smallest boy in class. Biggest heart" B +
NICK SOOLSMA: "Name means 'painfully slow' in Flemish" C
ALAN GORDON: "Popular. Motivates the class. Absent too often" B +
MAICON SANTOS: "Checking files. Name might be Mike Sanders" B -
JAVIER MARTINA: "First day of school was great. Downhill since" C

THE STARTING 11: Ottawa's NASL club names

Oooh, natural grass pitch!

The Nutrilite Canadian Championship just got more muddled. Well, by "just" we mean in 2014 - the projected inaugural season for Ottawa's new NASL club. Scheduled to play in a revamped Lansdowne Park Stadium alongside a new CFL club, Ottawa will be joining the ranks of Canadian pro footy clubs alongside the three MLS squads and their NASL brethren FC Edmonton. This is of course if the current NASL exists in three years’ time. Either way, we wouldn't be doing our unpaid job if we didn't present the leading candidates for the Capital City's new soccerers...

　
11. Hull City QC
　
10. FC Girondins de Rideau
　
9. Old England Constitution
　
8. Olympique de Morissette
　
7. Galataxaray
　
6. Rough Riders FC / FC Roughriders (tie)
　
5. The Ministry of Foreign Sports
　
4. Dynamo Trudeau
　
3. Bytown & Hull Albion
　
2. FK Partizan Politics
　
1. GST Eindhoven

Stevanovic runs straight back to Torino - refuses to look left or right

"Just don't pass. Just don't pass. Just don't pass."

Few would have guessed that yet another mediocre Alen Stevanovic performance would have been the catalyst for a recall to parent-club Torino. Yet, when the enigmatic Swiss-Serb was subbed off against Seattle in the 2nd Half yesterday, he was leaving the BMO Field pitch for the last time.

　
If the other TFC (Torino FC) think that Stevanovic came to MLS and regained some confidence and polished his skills, they would be wrong. The midfielder’s time in Toronto will be remember for head-down runs with the ball, refusing to look for teammates on a play and attempting fancy step-overs only to be easily muscled off the ball.
　
For the injury-plagued Reds', the departure of Stevanovic puts their midfield in red-alert mode while manager Aron Winter pines for reinforcements on every part of the pitch. Perhaps someone should tell him supporters have been waiting for five years.
　
Reds supporters will panic at the loss of another body but not fret over Stevanovic who seemed to have an air of MLS-superiority about him despite showing any performances which illuminated any dominance. Word that Stevanovic grabbed his suitcase and ran to Pearson without looking left or right; threw his hands up in disbelief and disgust at the Alitalia ticket counter; then, tried to do a 360 around customs before tripping and losing possession of his luggage has yet to be confirmed.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Seattle... or the quest for the Cascadia Cup!

You tie a tie, tie a bow, tie your shoes, tie fighters, tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree.

You draw a picture, draw water from a well, draw a name out of a hat, draw a bridge, draw the strings in your bathing suit so it doesn't fall down.

You get a point across, you get a point on a needle, point form for a list, point your finger, point your toe.

With all the varied meanings of the word, it has lately been one of the answers to the following question : how did TFC do last week? A tie/a draw/a point.

With Toronto in second place for the Cascadia Cup on 3 points (thank you Portland), a single point doesn't help much. 3 points are a must!

Predictions didn't look too good as most people has 1-0. 2-0, 3-1 for Seattle. 2-2 draw and someone was optimistic enough to call 1-0 Toronto. Oh, the faithful...

2 - Seattle come flying out the gate as Fucito is on goal and fires wide. Oh if they can only hold on for 88 more minutes...

11 - Yourassowsky gets into the box, beats his defender, next touch he pushes it too far, flops down looking for the penalty. If that had actually worked for you your entire career, you'd be playing for Hannover in Germany right now.

16 - Are high crosses to the 5 foot winger truly a good idea? Discuss...

20 - YELLOW - Harden gets booked for his participation that had Grampa Keller on the pitch writhing in pain from the arthritis from being knocked over.

26 - YELLOW - Borman goes into the books for his part in an altercation.

36 - Good pressure by the Robins in the Seattle 18 as the ball gets bounced around while forcing Keller to make a few very quality saves. Not bad for a pensioner.

43 - Sturgis free kick bends over the wall, but not quite under the bar.

HALF-TIME MOOD : Optimistic, but Soolsma and Yourassowsky are showing some clear signs of uselessness. TORONTO 0 - SEATTLE 0

45 - SUB - Sturgis out, Cordon in. Strange as Sturgis played a fairly decent half.

49 - Seattle are now down to ten as Kennedy earns his second yellow and first shower.

56 - Plata runs at a defender near the goal line, beats him and slides a ball right across the face of goal. Now, if Soolsma has stopped marking his defender and took a step forward, it would say GOAL in front of this time stamp. Any guesses?

65 - YELLOW - Yourassowsky is deservedly booked for a mistimed challenge.

70 - SUB - Martina comes on for Stevanovic. Yet Soolsma and Yourassowsky are still on the pitch. Curious...

75 - Eckersley cleans up a bit of a Harden caused mess as Seattle were nearly in on goal except for a confident challenge near the box. I almost went a match without having anything bad to say about Harden.

82 - OMG MARTINA!!!! AAAAAH!!!! CROSSBAR!!!! AAAAAAAHhhhhh... sooooo close you could taste it.

89 - Lets see, opposition late in game gets free kick outside of the box. I have seen this before many many times...

90 - GOAL - I did foreshadow this would happen, not because I'm a pessimist, but because this is the very TFC we keep stumping up season tickets for. In all fairness, it was a very quality free kick by Montero around the wall and well out of Frei's reach.

4 minutes of extra time.

FULL TIME : Toronto 0, Seattle 1

Man of the Match : Plata did well so he gets the nod, but I appreciated Doneil Henry's efforts

Goat of the Game : Soolsma. Must be a Flemish dialect for "pilon".

Ref Rating : 3.5 out of 5. A little card happy, but they kept it down the middle as best as possible.

Updated Cascadia Cup standings
Seattle 5
Vancouver 4
Toronto 3
Portland 1

Team Ratings : Frei 6, Eckersley 6.5, Henry 6.5, Harden 6, Borman 5.5, Sturgis 6.5 (Cordon 5.5), Yourassowsky 6 (Gargan N/A), Soolsma 4.5, Santos 6, Plata 6.5

Soolsma begs for the ball and his offensive maneuver is to go backwards then give up possession... Why Soolsma played the whole game is baffling... I know we're tough on talent supply right now, but c'mon... Cordon could play well if he went heads up... no capos for the first half was kinda nice... Keller, for all of his geezery, is still very good... there was a period where it looked like players were ignoring the wide open Plata... so much for another draw, huh?

THE MATCHUP: Reds need XBOX 180

Who needs Halo when you can have Zaxxon?

TORONTO (14th) VS. SEATTLE (5th)
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: GOLTV
　
THE KICKABOUT:
- Have TFC improved since they were drubbed 3-0 by Sounders at Qwest Field back in April?
- Can TFC take the 1st Half from New England and the 2nd Half from LA and combine them into a full 90 Minute performance?
- Does Julian de Guzman go right back into the starting 11 despite the recent workmanlike performances of Nathan Sturgis?
- Can young Doneil Henry continue his composed play on defence?
- Is Kasey Keller the last active footballer who fought during WWII?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "El Coleco Classico"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Alan Gordon, Doneil Henry, Stefan Frei
SEATTLE: Osvaldo Alonso, Kasey Keller, Fredy Montero
　
THE ODDS:
- Supporters actually noticing a difference in the midfield with Julian de Guzman's return: 20-1
- Sigi Schmid's circumference expanding by 1/3 during match: 50-1
- Microsoft XBOX approaching Aron Winter and Bob de Klerk to do voice-over on their new video game "Grand Theft Auto: Hot Amshterdam Nightsh"
　
WHO ARE YA?
- Seattle's star striker Fredy Montero has angrily resisted calls for him to "Americanize" his name by adding a second 'D' to 'Fredy' calling it blatant "racial alphabetization"
- Toronto supporters are trying to re-energize the old fighting spirit by refusing to listen to Soundgarden, wear Xavier McDaniel jerseys or eat tossed salad & scrambled eggs for a full week
- Due to the gulf in talent on the two clubs, BMO Field's most creative chants on Saturday will again revolve around the CN Tower's phallic prominence over Seattle's Space Needle
　
THE WAGER: 0-0 Draw (2011: 13-7 with 4 exact scores)
FUTURE HEADLINE: "SOUNDERS VISIT BMO - SOUNDGARDEN SALES PLUMMET IN TORONTO"

"C'mon 8-Bit de Guzman - move your ass!"

AFTER 90: Dozens of New Englanders bored as Reds draw Revolution

They must be so bummed they missed the Revs' match

IN THE TUNNEL:
With Boston area fans geared up to watch their Bruins in the Stanley Cup Final, this may be one of the lowest attended MLS matches of the season. Although... how will you tell? Gillette Stadium usually looks that empty. Two of the Least of the East do battle with dozens watching...
　
ON THE PITCH:
1' - Singles of fans in the stands of Gillette "The Best a Man Can Get" Stadium. No word how many are Wahlbergs. Kick-off...
8' - Shaky start for the Reds as they concede 3 corner kicks already
14' - Joao Plata with the first sign of offensive life for TFC with a close range shot blocked by Revs' GK Matt Reis
19' - Against the run of play, Revs' Chris Tierney forces a save from Stefan Frei who parries it away for yet another New England corner
27' - The only sound emanating from Gillette Stadium is Taylor Twellman's voice
34' - Young Doneil Henry having a very solid, composed night
35' - Kevin Alston clears an Alan Gordon shot off of the Revs' goalline. Closest chance so far for The Reds
38' - Gordon making all the difference to TFC as he takes another shot forcing a save from Reis
44' - The Gillette Stadium kop breaks into a rousing version of "You May Have to Walk Alone"
45' - No extra time added as the ref puts on his Bruins jersey and runs to the locker room
　
HALFTIME: NEW ENGLAND 0 - TORONTO 0
　
47' - Plata getting knocked about. Looks like dodgy rapper Nelly with his face band-aid
49' - Shalrie Joseph with a 20-yard cannon blast that Frei saves with diving aplomb
55' - Good TFC build-up but no finish. No it's not 2007,08,09 or 10
56' - SUB: Enigmatic Maicon Santos out for Oscar Cordon.
57' - Revs' Rajko Lekic misses an absolute sitter. It should be 1-0
62' - It's that time in the match where Mikael Yourassowsky looks like he needs to have his leg amputated
67' - SUB: A mediocre Nick Soolsma makes way for Gianluca "Easy Peasy" Zavarise
70' - TFC looking poor at the back - luckily so has Revs' striker Lekic
72' - Yourassowsky down again. We would hate him if he wasn't ours
74' - SUB: Plata and his hip-hop band-aid off for Javier Martina and his dancehall dreads
84' - Both teams have lost their shape going forward. Good thing no one there New England to witness it
90'+ - RED CARD: Gianluca Zavarise picks up two Yellow Cards in succession and makes an auspicious return to action. A suspended midfielder is not what TFC requires
90'+ - Shalrie Joseph with a blast that the ref says Frei tips over the bar but The Goalblerone furiously disputes
90'+ - Ref whistles to end the match. Parking lot clears in record time
　
FULL TIME: NEW ENGLAND 0 - TORONTO 0
　
IN THE BATHS:
For the second match in a row, TFC grinds out a draw and grabs a single point. However, where the match in LA felt like a battling moral victory with lots of heart and grit shown, this one felt like a lost opportunity. The match momentum did alternate between these two "Leasts of the East" but there was a feeling that TFC could have stolen 3 points off a weak Revolution. The Reds seemed to lose the offensive prowess they were showing late in the 1st Half and Aron Winter's substitutions did little to spark the club's scoring opportunities. BREAKING NEWS: Toronto FC still desperately needs a finisher. In the end, solid defensive work from Doneil Henry and Stefan Frei means one Canadian team took something from New England tonight.
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Stefan Frei 7 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Doneil Henry 7.5 / Ty Harden 6 / Danleigh Borman 6 / Nick Soolsma 6 (Gianluca Zavarise 4) / Nathan Sturgis 6 / Mikael Yourassowsky 6 / Joao Plata 6 (Javier Martina - ) / Alan Gordon 6.5 / Maicon Santos 6 (Oscar Cordon 6)
　
THE YORKIES' MAN OF THE MATCH: Doneil Henry
TALKING POINT: TFC the best Canadian team in sports tonight. Discuss