THE STARTING 11: Subtitles for Toronto FC's 2012 highlight film

So empty... so erotic.

It's sad to think of a poor editor watching hours of tape chronicling TFC's disastrous 2012 season in order to splice together a pseudo-highlight reel. What to choose? Lingering shots of Terry Dunfield's sock tassels blowing in the summer breeze? Bitchy The Hawk giving her ladyplummage the once-over? Wiedeman? Sometimes it's all how you sell the video as seen in the zenith of subtitled movie names "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo". If viewers are so excited by the title: or subtitle - they'll watch any old crap! (Coming Soon: "TFC 7: Electric Boogaloo") So, for that editor sitting alone in his suite on this New Year's Eve we offer these subtitles to help make 2012: Seem Less Crappy

11. 2012: No Payne, No Gain

10. 2012: FreiFall

9. 2012: Winter to Mariner - Contrasts in Ineptitude

8. 2012: The Hangover VI - Hot Escobar Nightz

7. 2012: The Hunt for the # 1 Draft Pick

6. 2012: The Five Year Plan II: The Plannening

5. 2012: The Expendables VI

4. 2012: 50 Shades of Empty Grey Section Seats

3. 2012: The Hobbit - An Unexpected Loan to LDU Quito

2. 2012: A Slightly Less Fistful of Dollars

1. 2012: Lose Hard With A Vengeance

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF OUR READERS!
THE ONLY WAY IS UP... RIGHT?



THE RUMOUMETER - Holiday "Rum-Mometer" Special Edition

This is where you usually find The Yorkies' regular off-season rumour roundup - "The Rumoumeter". However, since it's the holidays and we've mainly been on a food and drink drip for a week, today's edition is a bit different. With the Arnold Peralta/Jeff Larentowicz rumours out of the way we hit our sources (courtesy of the LCBO) for some TFC holiday whispers. 30% of the time they will be true half of the time. The Rumoumeter will be back properly next week but for now... Some of the rumours have weight - others little more than whispers; we take their temperature with... "The Rum-Mometer"...

　

GLASS HALF FULL!

　

JOAO PLATA CAREER IN DOUBT AFTER BEING RELEASED FROM JOB AS SANTA'S HELPER AT QUITO SHOPPING MALL?

　

TERRY DUNFIELD FACING LEGAL WOES AFTER THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR THREATENS TO SUE OVER SOCK TASSELS?

　

DANNY KOEVERMANS IN STABLE CONDITION AFTER 72 HOUR "SETTLERS OF CATAN"/PANCAKE MARATHON?

　

JIM BRENNAN FAILS AT ATTEMPT TO WIN OVER KEVIN PAYNE WHEN HIS HOMEMADE HIPSTER EGG NOG LATTE GOES TERRIBLY WRONG?

　

REGGIE LAMBE IN TWITTER WAR WITH THE WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY PEOPLE?

　

GLASS HALF EMPTY

Signing la Vida local? Reds close to adding Honduran hotshot

"I will never wear a red kit with a bank sponsor again!"

 

Usually we leave off-season rumours for Friday's "The Rumoumeter" but today's tidbit out of Central America has grown el legs quickly and is seemingly close to a done deal - except for those silly official announcements. Word leaked from midfielder Arnold Peralta's hometown club CD Vida today that the Honduras U-23 and one time full international - in the infamous 8-1 Canada drubbing no less - was on his way to say sorry to Canadians by joining their most needy MLS side.

 

While few up here in the frozen tundra get the chance to keep tabs on the Honduran Liga Nacional, those in the know seem fairly high on the young midfielder with the obvious comparisons to Amado Guevara coming thick and fast. That may be wishful TFC association but anyone with a tool-set approaching the one-time Reds favourite would be good news for a midfield currently bereft of offensive creativity.

 

Ironically it may have been the man himself, Amado Guevara, who helped push Peralta towards BMO Field. It is no secret that Kevin Payne has been keen to add Guevara's eyes to scouting Honduras in an attempt to open a much needed pipeline for The Reds in Central America. This not yet being an official deal, rumours of its origin are sketchy with some hinting that a deal has been in the works for six months. Whether this indicates a long-term Mariner/Cochrane joint or an MLS negotiation however is unclear. Our good friends at Waking The Red did some digging and did find a morsel that may however link initial interest with Kevin Payne while he was still at D.C. United.

 

No matter where this Latino morsel originated, it would be a welcome addition to the midfield that was looking rather bare since Ryan Johnson's departure - not that it wasn't already rather threadbare. Throw in the afternoon whispers of TFC getting their paws on Rapids' midfielder and MLS veteran Jeff Larentowicz and things may start looking downright stable around here. If only it weren't for those pesky official announcements!



Boxing Day Blowouts - Ten Reds that we should have kept the receipt for

It's under the "This Is Our House" sign

When Toronto FC calls MLS headquarters to finalize a transfer, Don Garber should always ask "do you want a gift receipt with that?" Much like that sweater that your mother gave you yesterday, every club ends up with an ugly, ill-fitting acquisition now and again that just leaves you uncomfortable and itchy. In their nearly seven years of wheeling and dealing and wheeling that deal around again, TFC have racked up way more than their share of bad purchases. In the spirit of Boxing Day (St. Ivan of Drago Day to our Russian readers) we wait in the RETURNS ONLY line with a handful of Reds sweaters that were the worst fits.

MISTA: Apart from looking like Sean Penn's slightly awkward brother, the lazy Spaniard may have been the zenith of Mo Johnston's ridiculous purchases. Given a DP contract while teammate Dwayne De Rosario was signing air-cheques, Mista's single goal will go down in no history.

GEOVANNY CAICEDO: One of the "answers" to TFC's long-term defensive woes, the Colombian was built like a brick sh*t house and played like one too. Well, in one half of pre-season friendly play that is.

CARLOS RUIZ: Another one of Mo Johnston's "guys he always wanted", Ruiz took about five weeks to complete the five-hour flight from Guatemala. Once he arrived it was obvious to all he never wanted to be here.

LAURENT ROBERT: The man released to make way for Ruiz, the miserable Frenchman looked great for about two-and-a-half matches. Rumours that he was disgusted by what Tim Hortons calls a croissant are unproven but tres drole.

JEFF CUNNINGHAM: The speedy striker who scored goals in MLS by the bucket load - before arriving in Toronto - always looked like he was halfway between pouting and swearing while in red. Was a great little-and-large pairing with Danny Dichio for about 130 minutes.

JULIAN de GUZMAN: Never short on talent but always with questionable desire during his time in Toronto. The former La Liga standout was never the right buy despite his hometown roots and warmed few hearts in the stands. It should have been better for both sides.

NATHAN STURGIS: Hardly the fault of the player himself but more of the braintrust that decided a journeyman MLS plumber was worth a SuperDraft 1st Round Pick. That pick could have been Houston striker Will Bruin. Instead, Sturgis plodded through 16 unremarkable appearances in red.

JAVIER MARTINA: Easily one of the Top 500 Curacaos to ever play in MLS. Lit TFC fans' hearts on fire during a cold home opener versus Portland with some deft goalscoring on his debut. Disappeared from that day on.

ANDY IRO: Yet another one of the "answers" to TFC's half-decade of defensive drudgery, the giant Liverpudlian never found his feet here. Literally - he often looked like he was rooted into the BMO Field turf. The asterisk off course with Iro was that he was the final chess piece in the worst checkmate of TFC's dealing history - The De Ro Trade.

MIGUEL ACEVAL: See above re: defence. He came. He saw. He drank. He looked kick-ass in a mugshot. If only Aceval could have caught MLS attackers as easily as he was caught by Houston Police, above mentioned woes would have been solved.

 

Do you have more former (or current) TFC'ers that you wished you still had the receipt for? We'd love to see your additions in the comments below. But we're not letting you get in this Returns line ahead of us.

THE STARTING 11: Signs that Christmas has arrived at Toronto FC

"Mr. Koevermans... your blood test results are in..."



Happy Christmas Eve y'all! Or, for those of you who don't celebrate Christmas - get back to work... it's Monday you lazy so-and-so. That special day where we honour the famous trade pact of 33BC where the warring gold, frankincense and myrrh industries finally put aside their differences is indeed upon us and nowhere is more festive than the world renowned home of good times and cheer - BMO Field. The Dichio is nestled all snug in his bed... and Jim Brennan is doing whatever it is he does too... but how else do we know that Christmas has reached Exhibition Place?

11. Gale Abossoumonde finally got that extra letter in his last name he's been asking for

10. Reggie Lambe takes to Twitter to ask: "Yo mi got no gift ya no? Where da Santa at bra?"

9. Stefan Frei gets drunk on Swiss liqueurs and wanders around the bus station yelling that "he invented Toblerones and Dub Step"

8. Eric Hassli gets mistletoe tattooed on his lower abdomen

7. Jesus of Nazareth proclaimed as "the best box-to-box Messiah in the game today"

6. Danny Koevermans is 63% gravy

5. Danny Califf begs Santa Claus to send him anywhere except the North Pole

4. Earl Cochrane just traded both SuperDraft picks for a figgy pudding and some egg nog to be named later

3. Paul Mariner is wearing his formal dress shorts

2. Richard Eckersley asked to guide sleighs tonight

1. Tom Anselmi swings open his window and tells Joao Plata to go buy the biggest goose at the butcher's shop and bring it to him!


MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF OUR READERS!



THE RUMOUMETER – December 21, 2012

Welcome to The Yorkies' regular off-season rumour roundup - "The Rumoumeter". Too busy to keep your TFC ear to the ground all winter? Just stop by the site and we will quickly show you what rumours are hot - and which ones have hit the back burner. Some of the rumours have weight – others are little more than whispers; we take their temperature with... "The Rumoumeter"...
　

REDS HOT!

　

REDS ALREADY RECEIVED OFFERS LAST NIGHT ON BOTH DRAFT PICKS AFTER LOTTERY WIN?

　

AMADO GUEVARA TO MAKE RETURN TO TFC AS A SCOUT OR POSSIBLY ONE-YEAR PLAYING CONTRACT?

　

JOAO PLATA FELL HEAVILY OUT OF FAVOUR AT LDU QUITO?

　

REDS STILL LOOKING AT GENERATION ADIDAS DEFENDERS FOR HIGHEST DRAFT PICK DESPITE ACQUISITIONS OF CALIFF AND AGBOSSOUMONDE?

　

DANNY KOEVERMANS RE-HAB PROGRESSING SLOWER THAN HOPED

　

FROZEN PITCH!

Here's "The Boss" as Reds win lottery

Sorry, you're all wrong. Gale's "The Boss"



The Mayans were right! Sorry - had to use the crappy Doomsday joke one last time before tomorrow but suddenly Toronto FC are being gifted left and right with those mystical pan-dimensional creatures - centrebacks.
　
With the ink barely dry on Danny Califf's "I Heart T.O." tattoo those almost ambitious Reds won today's MLS Weighted Lottery and claimed young American (via Togo and Benin) defender... wait for it... Gale Abossoumonde. First one to make a good song about him wins a prize*. "The Boss", as he will likely be known through ease and laziness, was another great U.S. teen idol on the rocket to "soccer stardom" but rather than go the MLS route like many of his peers, he decided instead to sign with Brazilian "sports marketing" firm Traffic. That's where it seems his star seemed to stop soaring.
　
Agbossoumonde (so hard to spell without looking!) bounced around clubs such as the historic Miami FC and Estoril Praia while constantly being loaned out to the likes of Braga, Djurgarden and most recently Carolina Railhawks. While his level of professional experience and pedigree is not going to transform The Reds' backline next year, he may be a useful prospect IF he can regain the promise of his youth that made him a USA U20 fixture.
　
For TFC this pick-up gives them yet more options. With two new centrebacks on the books, this may very well change the club's philosophy heading into the SuperDraft with their two high picks. Trade opportunities and concentrating on other areas of need is now a very nice luxury. Depending on how "The Boss" shows in training camp this could also bounce the likes of Logan Emory and Doneil Henry down the pecking order. Of course for a club that has lacked depth for so long - this is a good thing. Overall this is a low-risk move for TFC to grab a kid who could still find his way and on a low wage to boot. And hey, that's hardly the end of the world now is it?
　
*Our seethingly jealous admiration

Here's some help with that chant South End...

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “...this is no time for such frivolity!”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan!
Merry Christmas to you! What would you say is the true meaning of the holidays?
Aaron – Markham, ON
　
Tidings to you good sir! This is a fine question as we head towards this special time. We’ve lost the true spirit of the season what with crass commercialism and the never ending push to consume. No matter what religion you follow, whether you celebrate the birth of the infant baby our Messiah… or Miscellaneous Other… the true meaning of the season is goodwill towards all men, peace around the world and forgiveness unto your brother.
　
Holiday time – great stuff. Played with an Edwin Holliday at Middlesbrough for a stretch. Never forget during the FA Cup 3rd Round Replay against Hartlepool. There was a couple of stewardess birds off of British Caledonian in the front row that I was having an old wink at. Just as I was about to get a number, Holliday has a shot on goal that wallops Old Stan’s backside and goes in for the winner! Of course I run over to the stews to celebrate, only to hear over the tannoy that Edwin Holliday was credited with the goal. He ended up with Man of the Match and I saw him leaving with a stew in his Vauxhall! I have nothing but ill will towards that man to this day. If I saw him on the street I’d punch him right in the kidneys. He had been like a brother to me – but I’ll never forgive him.
　
Stan,
iPhone, Android or BlackBerry?
Liam – Kitchener, ON
　
Great Lord Kitchener! Is this code chap?! Has this been filtered through the Enigma machine? I’m here for you soldier. Morse me (I phoning you is too risky!) a reply to the following: Are you in a foxhole? Are you currently behind enemy lines? Is "Operation: Android" a go? Oh bugger, I knew this day was coming! Bloody Soviets! Not to be trusted. This is a real blackberry of a pudding indeed. I shall go ring the church bells to alert the village! Keep safe Private! Your brother in arms – Stan
　
Hello Stan,
I bought my boyfriend TFC season tickets but still want some stocking stuffer ideas. What would a man like you recommend?
Tracy – Pickering, ON
　
Good gravy lady – this is no time for such frivolity! Our boys are holding down the final line between us and a life in the Gulag! (Still awaiting the next code Liam! Over.) However, for the good of the Commonwealth we need to keep a stiff upper lip and continue on with traditions. Otherwise The Bolsheviks have already won. Here’s a few items Old Stan wants to see in his Yuletide Sock…　

• Gentleman’s Foaming Brush (tortoise or ivory handle only)
• Thick Church Bell Ringer’s Gloves (mink lining)
• Myrrh
• That British Caledonian stewardess’ I Phone number
• A deluxe, bomb-shelter friendly waterbed
• Someone to punch that bastard Edwin Holliday in the kidneys
• A Prussian-English Dictionary (just in case)
• Musky scented balms / a bayonet rifle
• A bushel of blackberries (for some reason)
• Heinz Salad Cream

Any of those ten things should fill your man’s stockings amply. Especially in these last few days of peace. Enjoy this Christmas… like it’s your last. Stan.
　
Happy Christmas/Miscellaneous to all of my readers. May the spirit of the Yuletide/Other be on you… before the nuclear menace from beyond the Iron Curtain engulfs us in the Czar’s cruel grasp. Cheerio!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: 2012 Toronto FC TV Holiday specials

"Miguel with your nose so bright, won't you start a fight tonight?"

The holiday season... not only a time for crippling credit card debt, drunken office shenaniganism and inappropriate uncles but also for staring aimlessly at the television machine. Yes, it's that time of the year when regularly scheduled programming is interrupted by holiday specials that have been on loop since 1971. Did you know that puppeteer, claymation artist and elf/dwarf unemployment goes up by 84% on December 27th? Fact. With Toronto FC now under the ownership of media giants, there is no way the club could miss this annual opportunity to fill the airwaves with Reds' flavoured-frivolity/ help the dwarf unemployment fiscal cliff.
　
11. "Terry Christmas, Mr. Dunfield"
　
10. "Kevin Payne Fixes The Holidays"
　
9. Danny Califf's "Backpedalling Through The Snow"
　
8. "Old Man Winter II: Aron's Revenge"
　
7. "Uncle Paul Mariner Yells at The Kids: A TFC Town Hall Holiday"
　
6. "Joaelf"
　
5. "Christmas Comes to Salford" aka "Richard Eckersley Slide Tackles the Baby Jesus from Behind"
　
4. "Mi Nah Kno Bout Dem Snowmen Ya Kno?" Reggie Lambe's Very Twitter Christmas
　
3. "Away in a Manger: Beitar Jerusalem FC vs. Toronto FC Friendly"
　
2. "Miguel The Red-Eyed Rojo"
　
1. "The Grinch Who Tore ACL's"

Live from Manger Stadium

Danny Califf ends up nowhere but Toronto

"Hello Anywhere But!"



If this move works out then it may be one of the more shrewd bits of business that Toronto FC has pulled off in recent history. If it goes pear-shaped then it could mark the introduction to the next disgruntled member of your Eff Cees. With the 1st Overall pick in today's MLS Re-Entry Draft (Round 2: Electric Boogaloo) The Reds selected CB Danny Califf - that same Danny Califf who famously begged Philadelphia not to trade him to Toronto last summer.
　
The big and sturdy Califf was instead traded to Chivas USA this past season but The Goats seem to be headed back to their Hispanic roots and decided not to pick up Califf's option, leaving him unprotected. Fast forward to today and the eternal search for a Toronto FC centreback made the temptation too much for Kevin Payne & Posse to pass on. Is there a risk? Perhaps. However, Payne has been in this league too long to take such risks and many assume that the club has already sounded out Califf with some outlets claiming a deal has already been agreed upon.
　
Danny Califf is a very capable MLS central defender and the pairing of him and Darren O'Dea is if nothing else - tough. It could turn the middle of The Reds' defence into "The Land Where Ankles Fear to Tread" - and that is a good thing. In fairness to Califf, his comments last summer regarding Toronto, while unfortunate, were not exactly absurd. TFC was a winless disaster zone and the management circus was on the edge of fracture (again). Perhaps it is the influence of a thoughtful president such as Kevin Payne, that TFC's future doesn't look as unpalatable to a veteran like Califf. Some supporters will hold it against him if he does indeed suit up for TFC in 2013 - but will forgive if he can do what so few before him have... defend.
　
Elsewhere in the Re-Entry Draft, former Reds were popular, making TFC the Ireland of MLS - spreading its diaspora far and wide. Chad Barrett and Hunter Freeman were picked by New England; Ty Harden and Dan Gargan will aim to make San Jose "The Team That Preki Likes"; Conor Casey (barely TFC) will negotiate with Philadelphia; and Eric Avila is currently trying to find a place to buy skinny jeans in the Denver area after Colorado grabbed his hip rights. In the other non-draft news, TFC also announced the official re-signing of Andrew Wiedeman and Jeremy Hall. So… yeah... that.