THE MATCHUP: Give us wings

"The Champagne of Energy Drink Football Clubs"

TORONTO VS. NEW YORK
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET

TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Will the dramatic VCup victory over Vancouver be a springboard to regain good form in the league?

- Will the dramatic VCup victory over Vancouver leave TFC an exhausted shell of a team that needs a nap at the half?

- What does life without Michael Bradley look like?

- You can count how many local fans think it's "cool" to wear their Arsenal kits to a TFC match just because Thierry Henry is visiting.

- The "not your ordinary" return of Richard Eckersley.

- Will the England-snubbed Jermain Defoe be full of vengeful fire... or a moping misery guts?
- See how long I can hiss at Thierry Henry before passing out!

- Spurs legend vs. Arsenal legend... who is the bigger, bloodier deal?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The North American London Derby"

THE DUEL:
Jermain Defoe vs. Thierry Henry

WHO ARE YA?
The city of Toronto has long been dubbed as "Hollywood North" due to its prosperous film industry. It's not unusual for locals to see television and film crews using our city as a set for major productions, including many American ones. In fact, Toronto has been used as a stand-in for New York City on many occasions.

Not to be outdone, our suburban neighbours to the east - Oshawa - have agreed to set fire to a large part of their downtown in preparation for a film that is set in the home of New York Red Bulls - Harrison, New Jersey. The film, a hilarious rom-com matching a down on her luck Red Bull Arena hot dog vendor and a love-struck local C.H.U.D. is due in theatres in Summer 2015.
 

The set of "For the Love of C.H.U.D."



ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
MAY 17, 2012: A concerned Torsten Frings storms out of training until it becomes clear the phrase "New York Red Bulls" translates into a local Bavarian slang term for a sexually transmitted disease.

AFTER 90: Long legged... but no beauty

Wash the stink off...

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO (1-2 AGG.)
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI FINAL 2ND LEG

BC PLACE

FIRST HALF:
1' - BC Place roof is open this evening. Perfect for a localized tornado strike if Vancouver grabs a lead.
4' - GOAL: Toronto - Doneil Henry. Michael Bradley long lob not handled well by young Caps keeper Father Guido Carducci, Henry chops in a juicy loose ball. Zap!
VANCOUVER 0 - TORONTO 1 (1-3)
5' - We don't need no stinkin' tornadoes!
10' - So this is the pitch that is trotted out as a good example of MLS/CFL ground sharing? I've seen better carpets in elevators.
16' - YELLOW CARD: Kyle Bekker for petulance. Red Card overdue to his barber.
19' - Reds opting for the 70 minute bunker option.
25' - Gilberto is easily one of TFC's Top 5 holding midfielders.
30' - Bradley tests Fr. Carducci from long distance forcing a big save. Nick Hagglund goes close on ensuing corner kick.
35' - Issey's Samurai hair-do > Russell Teibert's sad ManBun. No competition.
43' - GOAL: Vancouver - Erik Hurtado finishes a counter that started with one of Joe Bendik's "close your eyes and kick it as hard as possible" clearances.
VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1 (2-3)
45' - The Reds close the half with what must be a solid 7% possession statistic.

HT: VANCOUVER 1 - TORONTO 1 (2-3 AGG.)

SECOND HALF:
46' - One half left and all to play for. Well the opportunity to argue with Joey Saputo on the pitch after the Final at least.
50' - How has no one made "Vancouver 86er" into an Urban Dictionary sex act yet?
57' - YELLOW CARD: Doneil being Doneil. Luckily just outside of the box with a hard tackle.
60' - TFC doing nothing but absorb pressure. It will be a shock if this ends well.
63' - Fr. Carducci stops a Gilberto one-on-one. Ol' Gil can't buy a break!
64' - SUB: Kyle Bekker OFF / Daniel Lovitz ON
65' - Matias Laba coming in for Vancouver. Sometimes this stuff just writes itself.
70' - Erik Hurtado was the bomb as Rufio in "Hook".
75' - Vintage Luke Moore this evening.
77' - TFC's 2nd Half performance can best be described as "in attendance".
79' - SUB: Ashtone Morgan OFF / Mark Bloom ON
83' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
85' - PENALTY: Doneil Henry doing a Doneil Henry on Hurtado and a GOAL for Pedro Morales
VANCOUVER 2 - TORONTO 1 (3-3 AGG.)
86' - See 60'
90'+ - Big goal mouth collision leaves Doneil Henry and Joe Bendik both laying on the turf in pain.
90'+ - 30 minutes more of this. Ugh.

EXTRA TIME:
92' - I hate you Pacific Standard Time. Eff you and your ocean.
99' - Ryan Nelsen's 2nd Half subs looking dubious. Also: his job.
105' - Half of this done. Mercy.

110' - TFC playing like they know the random madness of penalties is now their only hope at advancing
112' - De Ro tries to turn the clock back and hits the post. First Reds chance in ages.
114' - TFC should write notes for fans who have to work tomorrow.
116'- Daniel Lovitz tests Fr. Garducci forcing a big save.
120' - Oh boy. Win, lose or draw - TFC impressed few here tonight.

 

PENALTY KICKS:

TOR: Bradley Orr - GOAL
VAN: Matias Laba - GOAL
TOR: Luke Moore - GOAL
VAN: Kekuta Manneh - SAVED
TOR: Dwayne De Rosario - GOAL
VAN: Sebastian Fernandez - GOAL
TOR: Michael Bradley - GOAL
VAN: Russell Teibert - GOAL
TOR: Issey Nakajima-Farran - GOAL
VANCOUVER 4 - TORONTO 5

FT: VANCOUVER 2 - TORONTO 1 (3-3 AGG.)
TORONTO WIN 5-4 ON PENALTIES

PLAYER RATINGS:

Joe Bendik 7 / Nick Hagglund 6 / Bradley Orr 5.5 / Doneil Henry 4 / Ashtone Morgan 6 (Mark Bloom 5.5) / Issey Nakajima-Farran 6 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Kyle Bekker 5.5 (Daniel Lovitz 5.5) / Jonathan Osorio 5 / Luke Moore 5 / Gilberto 6 (Dwayne De Rosario 5)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Joe Bendik



THE MATCHUP: We've got legs... Will we know how to use them?

"BC Place? Yeah just up on the right..."

 

VANCOUVER VS. TORONTO
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMIFINAL 2ND LEG
(1-2 AGGREGATE)
BC PLACE - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Don't you love Canada? Or are you a Communist?
- Will Ryan Nelsen roll the dice for a cup victory with a league fixture on the weekend?
- What wacky disaster will prevent Whitecaps from winning this year's competition?
- Will Carl Robinson really stick with his youth movement even though a 1-0 victory would see Whitecaps advance?
- Who is more Canadian - a Kiwi or a Welshman?!
- Will the USA watch in horror as Bradley goes full out on turf?
- Can lightning strike through the roof of BC Place?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Great Canadian Bagel Derby" (NutCan Edition)

THE DUEL:
Their Canadians vs. Our Canadians

WHO ARE YA?
Vancouver Whitecaps are so weary of another natural disaster getting in the way of their cup run that they are working with a local company to prevent any mishaps. Despite BC Place being mostly enclosed, Whitecaps have called upon Vancouver-based yoga wear/backside accentuators Lululemon to help protect the stadium.

Lululemon has a factory full of unusable stretchy material from their "see through pants" crisis of last year which will be donated to VWFC to form a tight and sexy new tarp for the stadium in time for this match. To avoid blushes, the upper deck has been asked not to bend over in the light.
 

"Storms a brewin'"

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
MAY 15, 2011: In an act of sportsmanship, TFC faxed a 10-day weather forecast to Whitecaps manager Teitur Thordarson showing nothing but clear skies predicted for the Toronto region.



THE STARTING 11: Sequel titles for the Canadian Championship Semi Final 2nd Leg

Heading to Vancouver with a one-goal lead but with the sword of the away goal hanging over TFC's heads, you wouldn't think that ramping up the excitement for Wednesday's match would be difficult. However, in the world of promotions you can never hype too much and in the tradition of terrible movie sequel titles, the 2nd Leg deserves a boost. Whether it turns out as an action-adventure or a horror for The Reds, these titles should definitely boost those ratings...

11. "The Phantom Robbo"

10. "Moore than Meets the Eye"

9. "Laba: The DP that Shagged Us"

8. "I Know What We Won't Do This Summer"

7. "Ryan Nelsen in the Kingdom of the Crystal Meth"

6. "The Legend of Lenarduzzi's Gold"

5. "Electric Boogalululemon"

4. "Alien vs. Predator + Drag Queen = Darren Mattocks"

3. "2 Legs, No Cup"

2. "Pacific Rim Job"

1. "2nd Leg: Leg harder"

Unlike a Boss! TFC deals Agbossoumonde - Acquires Luke Moore

Once a Swan, now a Robin



Nothing like a little sexy group action on a Thursday afternoon.

In their continuing war on puns, TFC has dealt away defender Gale Agbossoumonde to Colorado Rapids on the tail-end of a hot three-way which sees The Reds pick up 28-year-old English journeyman forward Luke Moore. "But I thought Moore played for Chivas?" we hear one of you saying. Well he did this morning but then it went down like so:

Chivas dealt Luke Moore to Colorado. Colorado sent Marvin Chavez to The Goats. Colorado flipped Moore to Toronto for Boss. We all clear? Aces.

T-Bez claimed post-trade that TFC's defensive depth allowed them to make the deal and to be fair, Agbossoumonde was very, very deep on the chart. Non-existent deep. It's always a shame to see young talent go but it was clear that he was not in the club's immediate plans.

In Luke Moore, TFC grab some depth up front. With Bright Dike looking like a late-season return at best, Moore is better than having Andrew Wiedeman as your bench weapon... but only just. Once a darling of the Aston Villa youth set-up, Moore has never established himself at any one club (and he's had his share) and will never be accused of being a consistent goal threat. Maybe it's all to make Gilberto feel better about himself? We kid!!!

There is a very outside chance that Jermain Defoe will join England at the World Cup thus missing a few matches but even if he doesn't, The Reds have yet to find a second scoring threat up front. If Defoe or Gilberto were to go down for a prolonged period, Moore at least offers some experience at striker.

And.. If it all fails, we get to use the gag "Less is Moore". Suck it pun thieves! We won't be stopped!

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Vancouver... or Robins with ADD

It's Voyageurs Cup time, which is sad because as much as I hate sponsorships, shortening the name to the NutCan was fantastical.  And calling it Stupid Pyramid Scheme Cup seems just a pinch disrespectful.

It's heady times in the Canadas as this edition has a mind-scrambling 5 clubs competing for domestic glory.  A little glad that Ottawa didn't make it out of the first round, as that takes the heat off of me for their 'mock' logo.

It's cool outside.  Minimal buggery no wait, bugs.   Toronto up against half of Vancouver's U-20 side.  Should be easy, no?

On to the match!

17 - Ball worked into box, Issey point blank,  saved by Fr. Guido Carducci

22 - tic tac to Issey,  criss to Gilberto and put it wide of post from 7 yds out. 

27 - GOAL - Gilberto slides a pretty ball springing Defoe and slides a ball past Fr. Guido Carducci.
ROBINS 1, 86ERS 0

31 - YELLOW - Bradley gets booked for a nonchalant trip

32 - Defoe gets a shot off from the left side of girl forcing Fr. Guido Carducci to make a diving save.

36 - Rey gets sent in, beating the keeper but sliding it across the face of goal

43 - Vancouver has woken up.  Massive lapse in the back four, Bendik makes a quality stop.  Ensuing rebound finds another boot that beats Bendik but not Henry on the line.  Harrowing stuff.

Half-Time Mood : Ummmmmmmmmmmmm... OK? *shrug*

62 - Human pinball has a shot of the cross bar, header by Henry finds Gilberto whose attempt hits a hand and the red sees nothing... peculiar

68 - nice cross from Bloom finds Isseys header and just misses the top corner

73 - beautiful cross from issey finds Rey who puts it into the box and nearly finds Gilberto.   #DoAShot

79 - SUB - DeRo in for Issey

88 - it looks like Gilberto is coasting and is getting an earful from Nelsen for lack of hustle.  Can I not blame either party here?

89 - GOAL - Bradley breaks down the win and slots it past the keeper
ROBINS 2, 86ERS 0

89 - SUB - Weideman on for Gilberto

90+1 - GOAL - Manneh.  Didn't see it.   Almost saw a Donnybrook as Manneh and DeRo start at it after the goal and Manneh says something to Bendik.
ROBINS 2, 86ERS 1

FULL TIME : TORONTO 2, VANCOUVER 1

Man of the Match : Issey was fun. Rey was fun.  Bradley gets it though.

Goat of the Game : no one was exceptionally bad

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Toronto has had penalties awarded against them for lesser crimes than the ones Vancouver got away with.

Kit Spotting : Celtic bumblebee kit from a distance.  Would've won it had I put on my newly acquired Sheffield Wednesday shirt.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Subs earlier.   Gilberto could've come off after 70 mins.

Gilberto Drinking Game : 4 shots.  About 4 near shots on top of that so you might have been pissed up.

Still not convinced things are working together as the can be or should be.  Plenty of quality individual efforts all over the park but few potential game changing moments that could have been.  Playing against a stripped down Vancouver side should have been a simple game running out 3-0 victors by the hour mark but they were lacking.  Yes, they are playing well.  Yes, they are good enough to win something.  No, they are not playing up to their potential.  Toronto should have walked away with this game or fought hard for this result and neither was the case.

Although prepared for midges with a mosquito head thingies,  there wasn't enough of them to truly pesty... Issey was getting a good hacking out there.  Was afraid he would be missing chunks of his legs if he kept playing... you can tell that Vancouver were giving a pile of kids their first runs out just by their shirt number.   32, 36, 38 and a 44 were on display... For every head scratcher Rey did out there, he had a pile of nice turns and passes... at least the rain held out... Some of the much coveted "bro demographic" either love singing for Toronto, or have no idea how away goals work in these things.  I wouldn't be singing too much tonight.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6.5, Bloom 7.5, Caldwell 6, Henry 6.5, Morrow 6, Bekker 6.5, Rey 7, Bradley 7.5, Gilberto 6.5 [Weideman N/A], Issey 7 [DeRo N/A], Defoe 6.5

@ignirtoq still hasn't done laundry from Saturday but braved what little elements that nature could serve up.  He also believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Gilberto scoring.

THE MATCHUP: Bzzzzzzzzzz

TORONTO VS. VANCOUVER
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP SEMI FINAL
BMO FIELD – WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- The Canadian Cham… BZZZZZZZZZZ
- Sorry, midges. As we were saying… BZZZZZZZZZ
- Dear God so many… Ach! NOT IN THE MOUTH!
- They’ve taken the South Stand! Retreat! BZZZZZZZZZ

 

… The bugs! They’ve enslaved the Vancouver bench!!!

 

 

… We for one welcome our new midge overlords…

 

THE STARTING 11: Ways to make the Canadian Championship tournament more popular

Solid midfielder



The Canadian Club Championship - we still like to call it the NutCan because it sounds dirty - and the quest for the Voyageurs Cup is a great little tournament. There have been some terrific matches and plenty of drama in the tournament's short history. It was also TFC's only glimpse of glory in the wasteland that was 2007-2013. Despite that, the tourney still struggles to fill stadiums and has yet to be fully embraced across the country. Perhaps the organizers should reach out to Canadians with these very useful ideas...

11. Give the actual Voyageurs Cup a "Roll Up The Rim To Win" feature

10. Funny hats!

9. The winners get P.E.I.

8. Go to three downs

7. Advertise the tournament on TV as "The Road to Wednesdays in Honduras"

6. Just let Vancouver win it one time, ok guys?

5. Final held on Baffin Island

4. Losers must take Rob Ford as their mayor for a year

3. Each club must field a bear in their starting XI

2. Rebrand it as "The Molson Canadian Lawn Hockey Finals"

1. Shirts vs. Pants

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v. New England... or is this Pestilence? War can't be far behind.

Is it gonna rain?  Is it gonna not?  How can anyone prepare for this crap?  Isn't there a roof yet?

Anyways, we all had a lovely bye week.  Relaxing.  I know I got to heal my "typist's finger" (no link to Wikipedia but there should be) and now I'm ready to go.

New England show up tonight hoping to keep their current form against a healing and improving Toronto FC side.  Sadly, our favourite new cuss word hasn't exactly been lighting it up as Fagundez as yet to score.  Even worse, the bastard son of a Canadian legend (from here on in known as "BSoaCL") HAS scored once and that bothers me.

On to the match:

-3' - Looks like the weather is gonna hold off, this is gonna be nice...

-2' - Wow there's a few bugs.

0' - Holy sh*t there tons of them.

2' - OMFGnats!

3' - One flew into my mouth.  That's disgusting.

4' - Ahhhh... flare guy.  I've never been so happy to see a flare go off.

5' - Ugh.  Smoke's cleared.  Gnats are back.

6' - GOAL - Well that's a pleasant surprise, isn't it?  Jackson has a go from 20 yds out, takes a fortunate deflection off of a New England defender, catches Shuttleworth stuck to the ground.
ROBINS 1, EVOLUTION 0

11' - Oooh, that's a cold wind from the lake.  The gnats don't like that one.

23' - GOAL - Henry nooooooooo... what a howler of a pass, right to Kobayashi. Through ball to Mullins and three steps later,curls it around a lunging Bloom and diving Julio Cesar.
ROBINS 1, EVOLUTION 1

27' - Nguyen and Mullins play with the centrebacks but cannot finish as Mullins "deGuzmans" it well over the bar.

43' - YELLOW - Jackson for a dangerous collision Neumann.

Half-Time Mood : Annoyed.  My jacket is a killing field for the gnats of combat.

50' - Cold rain.  Sure why not.  No more notes now...

58' - YELLOW - Bradley for something

68' - SUB - Bekker comes off for Rey

78' - SUB - Jackson makes way for Issey

81' - PENALTY - Oh Henry (pun not intended)... New England working the ball around the box and Henry goes in for a block with his arm unnecessarily up in the air and, sure enough, Mullins fires it into his arm.  What were you thinking...

82' - GOAL - Nguyen converts sending Julio Cesar the wrong way.
ROBINS 1, EVOLUTION 2

87' - SUB - Bloom is out and DeRo is in.  Be a legend Dwayne...

5 minutes of extra time

90+4' - ... or not, you know, whatever.

FULL TIME : Toronto 1, New England 2

Man of the Match : This is tough.  I'm going to commit to Jackson, though strong arguments can be made for Gilberto, Bloom and Osorio.

Goat of the Game : Henry.  2 mistakes led to 2 goals.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Can't wait until FIFA finds out how crap you guys are on the World Cup stage.  And by "you guys", I mean "the ref".

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Subs should've been earlier.  Wouldn't have been crazy to bring off Henry after the half, but even that I was 50/50.

Kit Spotting : saw a Wigan kit from a few years ago.  Sure, that wins.

It's the fun new drinking game that's all the rage amongst supporters, if Gilberto nearly scores, do a shot.  So many people would've been polluted by games end. 

I feel terrible for the guy. 

He's playing so well, but he is so close.  He could've easily had 4 goals this afternoon, but nothing worked.  As a fan of workrate, you can't beat him, but at some point in time, this experiment will need to change.  Sure, many of the chances on offer weren't of the highest quality, but even that becomes tiresome.  Hopefully when he opens his goalscoring account, it'll be on a brace before half-time, which is completely plausible.

Thrilled that BSoaCL (see 3rd paragraph) was kept off the scoresheet, but secretly disappointed that Fagundez didn't score. Can't have enough samples of an announcer saying his name for the podcast censorship gag... This game should've been brought to you today by a dry cleaner. They'd have made a mint... Osorio pulled up very hurt in injury time. I'm surprised he hobbled his way to the middle and then chase... Individually, many Robins had very good games.  Collectively, they were poor though the game was entertaining... Thanks to the staff for not being jerks about people trying to stay away from the swarm.  Could've easily forced us into our seats... Injury time was just harrowing stuff.  So close to sealing the deal.  Sorry if you left too early... Hey, does anyone want one of the re-imagined retro kits from last season?  Putting in an order soon.  Completely custom.  Click for more information. 


Player Ratings : Julio Cesar 7, Bloom 7.5 [De Ro N/A], Caldwell 6, Henry 5.5, Morrow 6, Jackson 7.5 [Rey 6], Bekker 6.5 [Issey N/A], Bradley 6, Osorio 7, Gilberto 7.5, Defoe 6.5.

@ignirtoq really hates bugs and thinks camping is one of the stupidest things anyone can do. He has successfully refuted every and any opportunity to go camping and secretly thinks less of those that do. Except no longer due to this by-line.

THE MATCHUP (Hiatus Edition): Chowdah

 

TORONTO VS. NEW ENGLAND
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN 2

Disclaimer: The Matchup Department isn't available to take your calls at the moment. While we appreciate that many of North America's leading media organizations and most knowledgable supporters rely heavily on this technical, in-depth feature to form their opinions on the upcoming fixture, the department is on very temporary hiatus. It is scheduled to return to regular service for the Canadian Championship match vs. Vancouver. Mostly because the department loves using the word "NutCan".

In the meantime, please enjoy the following innovative multimedia display which should prepare you for Toronto FC vs. New England. Our apologies for this temporary break in service. The Matchup returns soon.

Lots of love, The Management

FAGUNDEZ!

 

SHORTS!

 

 STEVE NICOL DANCE BREAK!

 

CHOWDAH! SAY IT!