THE MATCHUP: Union. Due.

Layers.



TORONTO VS. PHILADELPHIA
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 6PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Almost exactly two years ago, Philadelphia Union dropped by BMO Field to lay down a 6-2 beating on TFC that is still one of the most humiliating of The Reds' (many) home defeats. It was a tough afternoon for those in attendance with many leaving with the feeling that "things can't get much worse". Sooooooo... yeah.
　
With 1 win in 26 and more turnover than Pillsbury, you would be hard-pressed to find too many supporters who think things have improved in the last 730 days. TFC go into this latest match with their usual battery of walking wounded including Richard Eckersley who will miss at least another four weeks and the now unlikely return of "De Great White Hopesh" Danny Koevermans. Of course, the fact that the club is quietly portraying a 34-year-old, portly, injury-riddled striker as the Messiah to cure all ills may prove that things don't really change all that much round these parts.
　
MANUFATURED DERBY NAME:
"The Danny Califf Testimonial Match"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba
PHILADELPHIA: Sebastien Le Toux, Zac MacMath, Jack McInerney
　
THE ODDS:
Danny Califf's mysterious "virus" causing these symptoms:
- "Kiwi-Aversion": 5-1
- "Poor Depth Chart Perception": 3-1
- "Union Cravings": 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Here at The Yorkies, we are nothing if not a high-end animation studio. As one of the Top 10 MLS-inspired cartoon producers in our row at BMO Field, we are proud to bring you the latest hit, based on the true story* (*not a true story) of the life of Union forward Jack McInerney...

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC STRIKERS IRONICALLY FAIL TO BUST UNION"

THE STARTING 11: Rejected New York City Expansion Club names

Harry Redknapp thinks New York is "triffic"



Here in Toronto, we're no strangers to MLS expansion clubs. Why, we've had one for seven years now! Alas, there is a new club on the horizon who will make the playoffs before Toronto FC, the long-rumoured "NYC2" club - now christened New York City FC. Don Garber's long-term wet dream to drive New York Red Bulls into oblivion create a NYC Derby has come true with the help of upstart, community-run, charity club Manchester City - thus the new branding. Despite protests in some circles, we actually dig the name as roller-hockey "sawker team" names don't jive (*cough* Impact *cough*) with us. However, NYCFC wasn't the only club branding considered for the Big Apple’s latest team...
　
11. Manahattanchester City
　
10. Monster Energy Drink (R) New York
　
9. Young Boys Flushing
　
8. Go Ahead Bagels
　
7. Hotdogger SV
　
6. Queens' Park New York Rangers
　
5. I'm Walkin' Heerenveen!
　
4. Jay-Z Alkmaar
　
3. Deportivo de La Guardia
　
2. SexInThe City FC
　
1. Cosmos Kramer

AFTER 90: "The Blurst a Man Can Get"

NEW ENGLAND VS. TORONTO
GILLETTE STADIUM

FIRST HALF:
KICK OFF:  Apparently this is supposed to be one of TFC's "winnable" away fixtures. Uh-huh. With an injured list that looks like an episode of M*A*S*H and without the valuable hard work and determination of the waived John Bostock (MegaLOLz), The Reds try to tea party their way out of another dismal night on the road. And now... all of the exciting, interesting and spectacular moments of the match...

　

　

　
　

　

　

　
　

　

FULL TIME: NEW ENGLAND 2 - TORONTO 0

　
We could say more - but really - why? What could we add today that a) you didn't know already. b) you haven't heard hundreds of times here. So yeah. Shining Lights that bind us all.

THE MATCHUP: New England Revolution host Old English Resolution (Now with 50% less John Bostock!)

Where ACL's fear to tread

NEW ENGLAND VS. TORONTO
　
GILLETTE STADIUM - SATURDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: THE SCORE
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"Pahk da cah in Hahvahd Yahd". With that out of the way it's onto a fixture that has dozens excited across North America and not beyond. The Revs, who if you believe people in Toronto, are apparently just as bad as Toronto FC (but 6 points says differently) welcome those very Eff Cees (TM) to play on their green concrete. With a solid 6,000 to 8,000 in attendance at the 68,000-seater Gillette Stadium, this is one not to miss. Unless you need to wash your hair.
　
FC Robins du Toronto will seemingly arrive in Foxborough in a hilarious giant clown ambulance. When Kevin Payne & The Boyz told us we are only 2 or 3 players away we didn't realize that meant from a Starting Injured XI. On the shelf for this match are: Richard Eckersley (hamstring), Bobby Convey (muscle strain), Danny Califf (tattoo), Stefan Frei (the usual), Justin Braun (shanking injury), Darel Russell (middle name fracture), Terry Dunfield (twisted sock tassel) and Danny Koevermans (pancake). So... about that winless streak.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Worst a Man Can Gett'er"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
NEW ENGLAND: Diego Fagundez, Lee Nguyen, Kelyn Rowe
TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Robert Earnshaw, Darren O'Dea
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC getting through match without further injury: 10-1
- TFC blogger getting through preview without injury: 5-1
- Ouch! Mother f*^$%r!!! My finger!!! : EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
Being a single-entity league, MLS can sometimes come to the emergency aid of a club facing serious injury issues. Remember emergency keeper Sam Reynolds? Good times. With TFC's mounting injury list, the league has drawn up a resource which TFC can draw from if they face further medical dilemmas during the match on Saturday:
1) MLS Pool Players
2) Emergency NASL Loan Signings
3) Those guys with the muskets at Revs matches
4) A 50/50 Draw from the 3,000 Revs fans in attendance
5) The Somali Drug Lord Videographer of their choice
6) A Tupac Shakur hologram
7) Anyone who has heard of Queen's Park Rangers

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REVOLTING"

UPDATE: While the City of Toronto was watching their mayor give a press conference wearing a shit-eating grin, Toronto FC announced that they have waived on-loan midfielder John Bostock.

Bostock, the once teen-dream of English football is doing his best to become the new Rohan Ricketts by burning bridges everywhere he goes. Obviously the long-standing rumours that dogged him in England such as being a bad-trainer and having an ego which always saw him playing at Barcelona in his head but the Blue Square with his feet couldn't be shook on this side of the Atlantic.
　
　
And… Since it’s Friday and we could all do with a jaunty tune… and there used to be a band called Daft Punk that made music you could boogie to… and Revolution…

"It's not us, it's you" - The fun has left BMO Field as TFC's only claim to fame fizzles

"Can you feel the passion? Umm...guys? Can you feel it?"

It was always going to be this way. As far back as the first home fixture in 2007, Toronto FC was based on a house of cards that was "the great atmosphere". It didn't help when the assembled North American football media got in line to stroke the club and its supporters’ egos for managing to introduce a "European match atmosphere" to MLS. The club, so wrapped up in this unexpected phenomenon, took a path that would see them bathe in their fans' "ultra" imagery and lean on this as the be all and end all of Toronto's re-born football scene. This golden calf invariably lead them to doing the one thing that would eventually slay this unexpected idol - they didn't bother to build a football club for it.

　
This is old news to 99% of you reading this. The many re-births, the conveyor belt of management and the eternal continuation of "Five-Year Plans" have become the stuff of local farce. Until recently however, the supporters who have graciously, and against all odds, continued to attend TFC matches met the club's lifelong struggles with gallows humour and a frustrated resilience. The once exalted atmosphere, while steadily decreasing, seemed strong enough to at least allow the ground's denizens a fun day out. For those of you who go to TFC matches regularly are likely aware, and as a note to those that do not, the fun has gone.
　
It is palpable in the air. Joviality towards our lovable bumbling squad has turned into hostility and - far worse - deafening apathy. There is not an ounce of blame available to put on a single supporter or group who still attends due to their genuine affection for TFC (or at least the sport) as most are all out of spirit. The club has beaten it out of their fans through a battle of below-mediocre attrition that few fans would be willing to endure. Yes there are fans of other clubs around the world who have suffered through worse but they likely support a club with history and past glories to lean on. In Toronto, supporters can only lean on paper-thin promises of better days ahead. A Herculean sales pitch that MLSE likely didn't expect to have to make.
　
The question thus becomes - how will the club sell a day out at a match? There is a palpable fear that the ownership will begin to panic soon. The original recipe for success was selling a football experience that was as close to "old world" sensibilities as you could find in North America. There was a refreshing lack of bottled Arena Football-esque bottled atmosphere. The near organic supporter culture papered over the rapidly exposed ills of a poorly managed team. But when this is gone, how will an ownership that has a PhD in "Sizzle over Steak" react?

THE STARTING 11: Similarities between Victoria Day and attending a TFC match

Shot on goal!

Face it, after standing (or sitting depending on your BMOfication) through that damp-flannel-to-the-face-of-a-match on Saturday - we deserve an extra day off. Well thanks to that wacky monarch and hottie from history Queen Victoria - you get one! Yes, the lady who brought you such hits as "Ottawa" is rolling out 24 hours of long weekend shenaniganism - but don't get too excited, there are some parts of Vicky Day (TM) that are much like spending the day with Toronto FC...

 

11. Obnoxious pyrotechnics are set off for no good reason

 

10. Neither have anything to do with the modern era

 

9. Troubles are forgotten through mass alcohol consumption

 

8. Most of the action happens right at the end

 

7. Americans stand around looking confused by it all

 

6. You wake up the next day feeling worse

 

5. Nobody works hard or does anything productive

 

4. An Irishman inevitably ends up angry

 

3. You sit in traffic for hours just to watch things go up in smoke

 

2. We celebrate on the 24th for a long departed Brit

 

1. Much like Queen Victoria... "We are not amused"

"Mega LOLZ"



THE SOUTH (BEER) STAND REPORT: TFC vs. Crew... or the one where The Yorkies got drunk on the May 2-4 instead

We sing in the 50th!

SATURDAY 1PM ET: For our loyal readers who have dropped by to read the usual post-home fixture article - "THE SOUTH STAND REPORT" - we regret to inform you that our regular reporter (follow him on the Twitternet @ignirtoq for malarkey) has been indisposed today. Possibly family, maybe legal, dragon-related is in the mix but definitely not crack. That's ridiculous... looking at you Toronto Star.

 

Long-story getting too long, we decided against trying to replicate our main man's charming BMO Field post-match magic and instead embrace the spirit of the first long-weekend of summer. We're going to start drinking now. It's the 2-4 and we support TFC all year. We deserve this.

 

What will follow later tonight will be brought to you by the fine unionized workers of the LCBO and the minimum-wage pint-pullers at BMO Field. This one's for you Queen Victoria...

 

Whussup party people? We said whaaaaaa-ssssssuuuup? Remember that guy?

 

Starting XXI:

Bender

Andy Richter - O'Neil Henry - Scottish dude - O'Day

Reginald Lamb - Laba Rat - Arsenio - Braunaldo

The One Who Scores Sometimes - That Kid That Got Drunk (bro)

 

Let's play ball!

1' - People are here! That's crazy but I like barbecue too. Mi castle su castle!

8'- Serious though... when I was a kid people didn't even get dressed up to got o a match anymore. Now they are like here is my Arsenal shirt because it's got WiFi for skateboarding. Pfft. Have some self-respect for yourself.

14' - Reggie Lambe? That's a lie. Liver and onions if we're being honest.

18' - You know who that was? Jesse Barfield.

20' - REFEREE!!!

22' - Loan signings coming to MY country and stealing MY jobs

24' - "OOOOOOOOHHHHH DONNIE DARKO!!! DONNIE DARKO!!! DARK-OOOOHHH!" Yes! 24, 2-4 whooooo! Jack Bauer can't beat Stefan Frei any day. Bitch!

25' - #WesleySnipes #AlwaysBetOnBlack

30' - Danny Hoovermans? Yeah I didn't order Hollandaise on my tuna melt thank you very much.

34' - REFEREE!!!

34'' - REFEREE!!!

37' - Kevin Payne? I've got Kevin Payne, it's called seven years of heartbreak

39' - Bears can NOT run sideways

 

40' - Screw you Row 2 doucheneck, I will sing what I need. "Nights in White Satin...". Sorry I'm not "Step Up: Revolution".

40' - Why didn't Hogan Ephraim just pick up the phone when Paul Orndorff called? Sad.

42' - GOAL: Columbus - Just a bunch of yellow running past red then some guy... Odoodoo?... You weren't there man.
TORONTO 0 - COLOMBIA 1

44' - I'd buy Duncan Fletcher a cake all day.

 

HALFTIME: In line for brews

 

45' - SUB: CONVOY!!! BRRRR! BRRRR! on for Braunaldo

45' - Keep playing your Limp Bizkit music BMO Field. Test me. Keep testing me. I paid my money.

50' - Get off your phones! Oh look at me I'm in HD at the match. Selfie! Shellfish more like. "Foursquare me! Foursquare me!" Get a grip. Denise.

52' - Steven Caldwell is a tall drink of carrot water. I'll be your Huckleberry Hound.

55' - REFEREE!

 

56' - Score some damn points Ryan Neilson

57' - SUB: Dwayne De Osorio on for Arsenio. Woof! Woof! Woof!

61' - Columbus Crew? More like Justin Timberlake.

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - SexyBack

61' - Scott Bakula

63' - REFEREE!!!

64' - SUB: Australian guy from New Leazand on for Lamb. I got your mint sauce right here.
72' - Joe Bender is a shot blocking gherkin

75' - They don't want to pass the ball these days like Diego Madonna. They just want the latest Firefox on the LA Galaxy Notepad. "ReTweet me, ReTweet me".

82' - No, I'm not Dr. Spock are you tough guy?

84' - Kenny Stamatopolous would have done better.

89' - EMO Field is the best stadium after the French Open

90'+' - REFEREE!!!

 

FULL TIME: TORONTOS 0 - COLUMBUSES 1

 

Man of the Match: Darren O'Dea cuz he's Irish son!

 

Goat of the Game: Lamb. Bahahahaha - BURN!

 

Ref Rating: WANKER! I'd kick you in the pelvis

 

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : Look Ryan Neilson has to stop letting the media dictate all his passion right? Stop putting the wrong players on the right spot and just let it happen. Don't listen to YouTube - what does she know? Just three words: giv'er

 

Kit Spotting: I saw one guy wearing four Leafs jerseys.

 

Quote of the Match:

Sir it would be best if you left.

- Some lady in a yellow jacket and a nametag that said Dave

 

I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm sorry. I know you like the other guy who writes these because he "lays off the booze". I'm not perfect okay? It's true I am no Dr. Spock but I have been to lots of these football matches before and let me tell you something about today's match that your pals in the office don't have the balls to tell you: that was a match too. Sue me. You don't like the truth? There are good seats available at Coventry City. RAcist.

 

Yeah today's match... listen guys... it's all a bit fuzzy. Something about a Barbasol can and a lab rat? Red guys were kicking stuff the wrong way, yellow dudes were like "WTF hombre?" Did they win?..... What?..... No?..... Again?

 

I'm good with my choices in life.

 

Player Ratings: I just threw up. Not from beer.



THE MATCHUP: Construction delays

"I'm too sexy for Crew Cat"



TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 5PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
It's that time in the MLS schedule where Glasgow must bow to the pent-up intensity of centuries of Ohio-Ontario sectarianism as "The New Soft Derby" kicks off. Our canary-hued (7-Year) Auld Enemy is back in town to inevitably frustrate us in neither team's quest to secure the 2013 Trillium Cup. Crew may be facing a very different TFC on Saturday however as The Reds could give debuts to three newcomers: loanees Steven Caldwell and Jeremy Brockie, as well as recently acquired Bobby Convey (BRRRR! BRRRR!). You can't spell "change" without the "C" in "TFC".
　
Can Team Payne's Non-Youth Movement stop the late-match malarkey that has plagued TFC this season? Can Ryan Nelsen turn the ship around? Will there be an earthquake? Is Bitchy on the pipe? Since there isn't really any other news going on in Toronto today - this match will surely be the talk of the town.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The New Soft Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Jeremy Brockie, Steven Caldwell, Matias Laba
COLUMBUS: Eddie Gaven, Federico Higuain, Dominic Oduro
　
THE ODDS:
The Trillium Cup to be:
- Damaged in an aftershock of Friday's quake: 10-1
- Turned into ceremonial civic crack pipe: 5-1
- Continuing its eternal irrelevance: EVENS
　
WHO ARE YA?
With the continuing mid-season roster changes, Toronto FC could very well have a starting eleven on Saturday with a near 40% turnover since opening day. Never ones to miss a beat, the TFC promotions team are using this to their advantage by offering the delicious new BMO Field concession: "The TFC Turnover"! This unctuous pastry is bursting at the seams with leftover fruit loaned directly from some of Britain's most mediocre farms! Don't miss out on the "Trillium Cup Special" on Saturday where fans can buy seven turnovers and get 10% off a delicious "Five-Year Flan"!
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "BOBBY CONVEY TRADE BLASTED AS A LEFT-WING CONSPIRACY"

"We got a little Convey"

Well, almost a QPR kit

"Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Pig Pen, c'mon?" Pretty sure this is how the conversation went down between Kevin Payne and Sporting KC's front office as TFC's President traded for MLS veteran Bobby Convey earlier today.

　
While not exactly the blockbuster midfield DP that Payne was hinting at/ drumming up ticket sales with earlier this week but Convey is a fairly solid winger of the "been there-done that" MLS variety. While not the type of acquisition that will turn around the eternally sputtering club's fortunes, the ex-D.C United and Reading man is the type of workman that successful MLS clubs seem to have. A possible upgrade on the mercurial Hogan Ephraim and perhaps a challenge to the leftback role that was Ashtone Morgan's to lose and one which he has.
　
Young football fans of the GTA are hardly going to be running out to get "CONVEY" kits but if he is on form he will add some needed quality out wide. Considering the trade ballast to SKC was practically nothing there is little risk to the deal. However, Convey is on fairly hefty (MLS hefty) wages so The Reds' wage bill will now be a bit tight... pending further moves.
　
Plus, Bobby Convey used to live in Kevin Payne's basement when he was a teen so that should be good for future gags.
　
"We gonna roll this truckin' Convey 'Cross the U-S-A.!"

TFC waives Ashton, Morgan

Wrong Ashton(e). Wrong Morgan.



Be honest, you clicked here thinking that Toronto FC had released Ashtone Morgan. If we had advertising revenue on this site, we would be counting the extra pennies right now - but no, we were just being dicks. How else could we garner interest over this story?
　
With the impending arrival of loan signings Steven Caldwell, Jeremy Brockie and perhaps Tal Ben Haim, space was needed to be roster compliant and the first cuts were the most obvious. Supplemental Draft Picks and "Camp Shining Light" sweethearts Ashton Bennett and Taylor Morgan are Reds no more with the club waiving them today. They are unlikely to be the last departures from BMO Field.
　
With Kevin Payne informing us that TFC really only has "one or two" players with any kind of competitiveness and/or heart (thanks Kevin, we didn't notice) and also that players would be "naive" not to expect changes - expect changes. Whether this means more loanees of the castaway variety or the rumoured midfield DP of the "please don't stop buying tickets" variety, only time will tell. Assume that the time is rapidly approaching.
　
No word yet from the Ashtone Morgan camp if he is pleased to have sole possession of both his names once again.