Tuck the Payne away

"This ball still believes in me..."

We barely had time to "get used to" you Kevin.

Through the powerfully heartfelt mediums of corporate press release and hobbled together conference call, Toronto FC kept the gears greased on their never-ending management carousel. Kevin Payne, the ever-so humble, Forlan-addicted veteran MLS executive has "parted ways" with Toronto FC and is no longer the President and GM of the wildly successful club.

While Toronto FC have stumbled and bumbled through yet another season of misery, many did expect a tough year ahead this past off-season. Few, even the most pessimistic of TFC supporters (hello.) would have predicted that Payne's reign would be over mere months after its much ballyhooed beginning. However, with an ambitious new MLSE President in the form of Tim Leiweke and the obvious realization that TFC has not been transformed into a club ready to compete in 2014, the trigger was pulled.

Few will likely know the true catalyst that lead to Payne's dismissal but the writing had been on the wall since Leiweke and head coach Ryan Nelsen appeared in tandem at a semi-secret society meeting with one supporter's group recently. Leiweke went out of his way to assure Nelsen's job security for 2014 but the absence of the team president spoke volumes.

BREAKING NEWS : Payne is out! No one lined up to replace him!

Seriously.

#StabilityNow #CarouselOfLaughter #TheShockHasWornOff

Kevin Payne has been relieved of his duties according to a reputable source (The Star).  He is to stay on in a consultancy role to ease the transition, but is stripped of his title.  Apparently, the list of debacles was enough for Tim Leiweke to sever ties with his good buddy.

Interesting nuggets to come from this news include that the $25 million to bolster the squad was green lit for Diego Forlan's acquisition, but the utter failure of landing him didn't help his cause.

To be fair, this guy was at least more proactive than the last guy, who was nothing more than happy to count the money for the honour of spending a few nights a season being blasted by season seat holders.

The million dollar question is : does this spell the end of Nelsen?  Hard to say.  Would like to think that with the terrible acquisitions and trades this side has made during his tenure, The Robins aren't as crap as the scoreline and record indicates.  They are a far better side than last year.  Defense is spotty, but improved.  Midfield is creative and aggressive.  Forwards are still terrible, but everyone else is trying to make up for their ongoing disappointments.  Can only dream what this side could look like with actual league-competitive talent...

(0:18 mark for the reference)

THE STARTING 11: Hardest workers at TFC

"You. Better. Work!"

Happy Labour Day comrades! Not just a day of where parents drunkenly celebrate their children getting the eff back to school but also a day where we throw off the shackles of our American oppressors and stand up for our right to spell "labour" with the letter "u"! Wourkers of the Wourld Unite! Despite zero production output, BMO Field is actually home to some tough jobs and today we stop socializing and start socialisming over the unsung heroes whose back-breaking labour puts the "u" in TFC...

11. The person who has to figure out where in the CNE Food Building Danny Koevermans is hiding and get him back to his strenuous "re-hab"

10. That guy who has to meticulously draw Kevin Payne's head on top of a Greek god's body into the foam on top of the president's daily latte

9. The admin assistant that has to constantly schedule potentially successful days five years into the future

8. The barber who must carefully cut only the sides of Maxi Urruti's hair while leaving the top looking like a puffy mink stole

7. The office staff member who picks the short straw and has to be Bitchy the Hawk's "husband" that week

6. The social media expert who has to translate all of Reggie Lambe's perfectly spelled Queen's English tweets into marketable street-cred Caribbean patois

5. The person who has to figure out what to tell fans they would have spent $25M on if there had actually been $25M to spend on a mystery player who was worth $25M and would actually consider coming here for said $25M if they were "the right fit". Oh... and not make it sound like a plea for 2014 season ticket renewals.

4. "The Dichio Buffer"

3. The team who have to wrangle, capture and cage the halftime Timbits children players so they can be used at the next home match

2. The summer student intern who is in charge of the club's entire scouting department

1. The supporters... who have to constantly "get used to it"





THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v New England... or Even when they earn the points, the officials take them away...

Ah the annual tradition of the Canadian National Exhibition and Toronto Football Club : two misnomers in one location. Nothing "national" about the CNE and the "football", well [Too easy. You're better than that ~ Ed.]

We can assure you that nobody from the TFC front office gave us an audience, but some others were.  What came of it was news that there was money approved for a big move.  And it was big.

$25 million for a DP? Let's put this in *cough* proper football parlance, shall we?  What can £15.3 million get us in the open market? 1/6 of Gareth Bale? Luis Suarez? 4 Landycakes? Schweinsteiger? Hell, the Colorado Rapids, RSL and San Jose? I got a novel idea, poach Wondolowski and spend the other $22.5 million on someone else?!?

Anyways, Toronto are all about exhibitions now since they're all but out of the post season (perhaps mathematically they're still alive, I'll check when we're close). No more Laba this season, Koevermans is likely done as a Robin (if the speculations have any merit). Thank the footballing gods there's no relegation, right fellas? 

Onto the match.

2' - GOAL - Fagundez (watch your mouth) found open near the back post and pokes it in.  Counter allowed Rowe to run half the length of the pitch, and no Toronto player successfully managed to nick the ball from him.  Hard to know whether it was appropriate to shrug or eye roll.

ROBINS 0, EVOLUTION 1

5' - "Super Pickle" Joe Bendik makes a tremendous leaping stop.  Fantastic stuff.

14' - Earnshaw turns and fires just wide of the post.

45' - GOAL - After a strange bout of pinball from a free kick, it somehow lands at the foot of Weideman, turns and buries it.  Ladies and gentlemen, he's already been named Man of the Match.  Candidate for player of the year.

ROBINS 1, EVOLUTION 1

Half-Time mood : Frustrating.  They're playing well but not finishing, they're defending is spotty but lucky.

50'-68' - I looked at the clock every 30 seconds.  So boring... terrible.

78' - SUB - Urruti makes his home debut for Toronto, coming on for Earnshaw

Quote of the match :

Why haven't you scored yet, you spindly fuck?

~ @hitchorado four seconds into Urruti's debut

87' - SUB - Rey comes on and Sir Reginald Lambe (of the Bermudan Lambes) comes off.

88' - Free kick from Convey sees Caldwell get up with his back to goal and heads it into the low far corner, but somehow the ref sees a foul and squashes it.  Toronto deserved that goal and all the points.

Full Time : Toronto 1, New England 1

Man of the Match : Andrew Weideman

Goat of the Game : Nobody was particularly terrible.

Ref Rating : 1 out of 5.  A good game but a TERRIBLE call at the death.  Caldwell's goal was good.

Kit Spotting : In one building, saw a guy walking around with a Karpaty Lviv home kit.  Yeah, go ahead.  Beat that.  I dare you.

Toronto was far from perfect tonight, but they were far more effective than New England was.  Reis had an easy night given how much of the match was controlled by Toronto.  Many of the Robins have a fear of shooting the damn ball, save Osorio and Earnshaw.  On more than one occasion in this match (really could be any match), players who should have had a go from the edge of the box, decided to take a few more steps only to have their clear chance taken away from a closed down defender.  Stop being scared and fire the damn ball.

And now, an open letter to Mr. Joe Bendik:

Dear sir,

What the hell is with the blue kit?  We developed this positive persona of "Super Pickle" based on the green kit and ever since then, you've been wearing the blue one.  We are deeply sad.  Out of everyone on this team, you are our MVP.  You are on the cusp of greatness, just embrace your inner 'super pickle'.  This team needs gimmicks and personality and songs about individual players that are beyond "ole, ole, [name of player here] ole".  Be our hero.  Be our super pickle.

Warmest regards,

The Yorkies.

And now, an open letter to Mr. Ryan Nelsen:

Dear sir,

We would like to express our concern with the situation regarding Stefan Frei.  For all of the problems, historically, Toronto FC has had with flaky talent and suspect acquisitions, we have had an embarrassment of riches in the goalkeeper department.  One season, we had SIX keepers, and they were all ranging from average to excellent.

Stefan Frei has been a stalwart in some of the darkest times (which to be fair, have been most of them).  He does not deserve to be on the bench all this time.  Here is what we propose: Bring Mr. Bendik into the office.  Offer him a 30% raise (which he deserves, I was personally thinking 60% but what do I know) and a new contract and then explain to him that he is to be used sparingly for the remainder of the season.  Then explain to him that Frei will start from here on in to gain him some exposure.  It is difficult to sell or trade a player that has seen extremely limited action in over a year.  Frei also deserves the club's support to help him regain his career.  Toronto is all but out of post season.  Do the man a kindness.  He's a class act and deserves that much.

Warmest regards,

The Yorkies.

Player Ratings : Bendik 7, Eckersley 6.5, Henry 6, Caldwell 6, Morgan 6.5, Lambe 6 [Rey N/A], Osorio 6, Hall 6, Convey 6.5, Earnshaw 6 [Urruti N/A], Wiedeman 8ish.

@ignirtoq would like to profusely apologize for the untimeliness of this report but blames the 3 post match ciders and a dead phone hampering his productivity.  Man those ciders were tasty.  As a reward for finally writing this, he may go have one right now.

THE MATCHUP: Friday Night Blights

RUMOUR: Crazy Mouse to TFC

 

TORONTO VS. NEW ENGLAND

　

BMO FIELD - FRIDAY 7PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET ONE

THE KICKABOUT:

As if the eternally screaming tannoy, ear-cringing racket of promotional thunderstickery, live musical patio cacophony and doofuss-baiting shirt cannons aren't enough to Yankee-fy the TFC "match-day experience" - we have been gifted a Friday night fixture. Like a middle finger with "High School USA" written down the middle, we trudge through the CNE on a day never meant for (real) football. The "passion" couldn't be at lower ebb.

Having this fixture during the CNE also drives home another very raw point - summer is ending and TFC has not improved to any meaningful level nor do they look all that poised to tackle 2014. Even Kevin Payne seems to have tempered his optimism that the revolution (not Revolution) will be realized, as quoted in this article that "We want to be a playoff team next year, 2015 by the latest...". Wow, aiming high there chief. After a poor draft, a transfer window high on talk/low on quality and the reality that winter only makes available the likes of the Robert Earnshaws of the world, the Food Building isn't the only thing causing nausea on the Exhibition Grounds.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Exhibitionist"

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Ashtone Morgan, Alvaro Rey

NEW ENGLAND: Diego Fagundez, Andrew Farrell, Jose Goncalves

THE ODDS:

- Maxi Urruti getting a full 90 Minutes: 10-1

- Maxi Urruti getting a 45 Minute run-out: 5-1

- Maxi Urruti standing in line at the Polar Express during match: 2-1

WHO ARE YA?

Every year, TFC supporters have to trek through the madness that is the Canadian National Exhibition for at least one corndog-scented fixture. This year, the CNE has been dogged by food violations and worse - bouts of gastroenteritis in patrons. TFC would like to remind fans that none of their concessions have fallen prey to the CNE-bug however and the following food stands have been added to handle the Food Building's overflow:

- "JIMMY B'S 'HOW WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR COFFEE SIR'?"

- "5 YEAR SLOW PULLED PORK"

- "MARK BLOOM'S ONION"

- "COLLIN SAMUEL EATS YOUR PIE"

- "CHEF KEV'S 'GET USED TO EAT'"

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TFC FANS AVOID FOOD BUILDING - STILL END UP VOMITING"

And... since we have no choice....
 

EDITORIAL : Toronto FC Fan Council : Fill out this survey to better saturate you with advertisements!

Sometimes I wish I could get the PA announcer at the stadium a mute button.  Perhaps I am in the minority, but this season, more so than before, I feel way too marketed to when attending a match.  Every message is delivered like it is of utmost importance when it is just drivel.  There is very little news that comes out of the tannoy during any match.  Percentage-wise, it cannot be higher than 20%.  It’s terrible.  It’s noise pollution.

I’m not sure if anyone else is aware of it’s existence, but there is a group that is calling itself the Toronto FC Fan Council and on a once-per-month basis (or there abouts) I receive an email requesting my time to fill out a survey.  This month’s survey arrived last Thursday and the preamble read as follows:

As a member of Toronto FC Council, we want your feedback on everything related to Toronto FC. This month, we are asking you all about Toronto FC's marketing partners.

With the faintest of hopes, I thought that this would be the opportunity to provide feedback about how this club is marketing itself and its over-exposed “partners”.

What I was actually subjected to was a 15 minute reinforcement of what I despise the most.  Paraphrasing, the questions were postulating “which of these partners can you name which are part of the game day experience”, and “which of these brands do you feel you are most knowledgeable”, and “can you identify which partners...”

I accept that Toronto Football Club is merely a brand that is designed to make money by providing the service of entertainment, which I pay them so that I may watch the entertainment in person.  I accept that the sporting aspect of this “club” is, at the very least, secondary, as evidenced by every property its parent organization, MLSE, touches.  Their marketing genius is displayed in their efforts to have all of their fans believe that the on-field/ice/court success is the primary focus, when their bottom line indicates otherwise.  (I don't doubt for a second that this marketing strategy isn't unique to Toronto, but nobody does it better)

I also accept that my desire for footy to be as successful as hockey (or a fraction of), I must do my part.  Providing feedback, to a voluntary survey group, felt like one of those things one must do. However, that they would ask their fans how successful their advertising campaigns are, indirectly to that same audience, insults my intelligence.

At the end of the survey, a little box asking for feedback is available.  Here is a snippet of the six paragraphs submitted:

Dear "council", the supporters, a.k.a. customers, are over-marketed to.  Here's the thing: I don't support the sponsors.  Some because I am not a fan of their product, some by design.  I take my money and spend it before I get to the ground and I tend to avoid many of the sponsors listed because they, as well as the advertising people, have been ruining my game-day experience.

Aside from goals, subs, and cards, name a single part of the game that ISN'T "brought to us by" something?

If the nearly complete saturation of sight and sound isn't at the threshold of decency, I get the 'convenience' of being overcharged at the concession stand.  Why would I want to give Coke, or TFC, $3.75 for, at most, is a $1.50-valued soft drink because "that's what the market will bear"?!?! Why would I want to eat a pizza that reminds me of its existence all too often in the 2+ hours I spend at the stadium?  Or, mass produced beer brand trying to tell me that their beverage is worth around $12 for a can?

Are you gauging any of this?  The email was entitled "Share your feedback on TFC's partners".  THIS BOX IS THE ONLY PLACE I ACTUALLY GET TO GIVE FEEDBACK.  NOTHING IN THAT SURVEY RELATED TO THIS CLUB OR ITS FANS.  IT TRIED TO GLOSS OVER THE NOISE POLLUTION OF ADVERTISEMENTS AS PART OF THE “GAME DAY EXPERIENCE”, WHICH IS ASSUMED AS ACCEPTED.  DID ANYONE ACTUALLY THINK THIS THROUGH?

This entire exercise has allowed me to draw this conclusion: stripped down, customers who care about this team are seen and used as nothing more than people with too much disposable income that can be fooled to endure excessive amounts of promotion. The end game is to get those same customers to part with more of their disposable income than what is fair and convinced that this practice is perfectly acceptable regardless of the quality of the product.

@ignirtoq hasn’t been supporting the sponsors of Toronto FC for quite some time as it makes no difference.  He drives a Jeep, prefers Pepsi “throwback” (when available), uses Telus, owns a Canon camera, prefers his local pizzeria Mickey’s, drinks Patron tequila and Somersby cider, owns an XBOX 360, lives in an apartment so lawn care and home improvements don’t affect him, banks somewhere else and would prefer to refer to the home ground as “New Fort York” due to the proximity of the old one.

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC-related CNE Attractions

"Hawk! 11 O'clock! ABORT! ABORT!"

 

For those of you who have been reading this site for the last few years... A) Thank you. B) Seek immediate medical assistance. C) You have been expecting this Starting 11.

It is once again that time of year when ice cream and waffles join in an unholy alliance; men's leather belts are half-price; Def Leppard mirrors have been shined to perfection; and, some of North America's horniest carny-folk are hitting on your sister. Yes it's the Canadian National Exhibition - Toronto's venerable lakeshore salmonella symposium! As usual, we couldn't let the fair pass without letting visitors know that one of the Exhibition Ground's permanent tenants - Major League Soccer anti-playoff activists Toronto FC - have their own set of exciting attractions...

11. The Better Living Next Year Building

10. Reds' midfielder Michael Thomas wanders through the crowd with complete anonymity

9. Watch Danny Koevermans complete his re-hab in the Food Building! (5 Times Daily)

8. TFC Transfer Window ride "The Bi-Polar Express"

7. "The Get Used To It'... 2-hour line-up to nowhere in particular

6. "The Jeremy Hall of Mirrors"

5. "Motherz Talk" Tim Leiweke & Kevin Payne perform the hits of Tears For Fears

4. AIR SHOW EXCLUSIVE! Bitchy the Hawk vs. The Snowbirds

3. The "Guess Your Age, Weight or Allocation Game"

2. Collin Samuel personally "disposes" of your tainted Cronut Burger

1. "The President's Choice Superdogs" vs. AS Roma

 

Now this is a "vocal minority" we can get behind!
 

AFTER 90: D.C. United vs. TFC is brought to you by The Yorkies... "Ask for us by name"

What did you expect, a tiny dog?

 

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO
RFK STADIUM

 

For those who have been attending TFC matches since 2007, you have probably noticed that the usual intrusive in-stadium product placements and audio-visually grating promotions have been ramped up to a maniacally ear-splitting level this year. Club management theory (thanks for the questionnaire about your corporate partners by the way - time well spent) seems to be "One second of silence is one second of promotional opportunity wasted". It is bordering on sociopathic.

However, The Yorkies' website is nothing if not a money-making juggernaut and we have to admit being a little envious of the green. So, since TFC are on the road we will pick up the Mad Men slack tonight with a little shameless shilling. Refresh the page at will... every click pays!

 

FIRST HALF: Brought to you by COLT .45 MALT LIQUOR "Let's Get this Party Started"

KICK OFF: Presented by the SCOTTISH TOURISM BOARD "Scotland, Someone's Always Kickin' Off": It's a beautiful summer night at the rapidly decaying yet MLS trophy-laden RFK Stadium. Can't help but feel it needs a corporate sponsor name

2' - Jeremy Brockie making his final TFC appearance (for now) before heading back to Wellington Phoenix. His departure paid in part by AIR NEW ZEALAND "One-way Tickets to New Zealand. We said One-Way Jeremy."

5' - Bobby Convey fires a set piece way wide of Bill Hamid's goal. Proceeds from his set piece support the CANADIAN OLYMPIC ARCHERY ASSOCIATION "On Target Every Four Years"

7' - Dwayne De Rosario attempts a spectacular bicycle kick brought to you by MONEY MART "Cashing Cheques 7 Days a Week"

10' - GOAL: D.C. United: De Ro with an absolute screamer from 30 yards out. Promotional consideration for this goal paid for by SCARBOROUGH DIVORCE LAWYERS "You'll Be Better Off Without Them!"

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

15' - Reggie Lambe dispossessed badly in midfield. CANADIAN PORK COMMISSION "So much better than Lambe"

24' - Joe Bendik forced into a big save off Nick DeLeon shot. If Joe Bendik had been wearing his all-green kit then the save would have been brought to you by the good people at BICK'S PICKLES "Dill With It."

28' - Andrew Wiedeman close to making it level but shot misses by a couple of feet. That was tonight's STARBUCKS Extra Shot of The Night "Starbucks and TFC, making you pay so much for so little"

34' - SUB: Darel Russel comes on for Jonathan Osorio who is possibly ill. Brought to you by THE CNE CRONUT BURGER "What Did You Really Expect?"

42' - The 42nd Minute brought to you by TSN "Change the channel, we're probably talking about hockey"

45' - De Ro forcing yet another big save as the half comes to an end. Player walk-off brought to you by 'TIME TO SETTLE' INTERNET DATING "Get Used To It"
 

HALFTIME: Brought to you by WHISKEY
"Mmmmm... Tastes like Forgetting. Whiskey"

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

 
SECOND HALF: Brought to you by GIN "Making Underwear Vanish Since 1705"
45' - Second half back up and running. Don't forget to stay tuned for match highlights brought to you by HILROY DAY PLANNERS "Now Available in new 5 Year Format!"
55' - SUB: Robert Earnshaw in for Andrew Wiedeman. Earnshaw's entrance furnished by DODGE CARAVAN "Driving soccer moms and screaming children to an empty BMO Field for years to come. Dodge."
58' - Former Red Luis Silva down after a hard tackle. This hard tackle reminds you that TORONTO ARGONAUTS ticket flex packs now on sale!
60' - GOAL: Toronto - Bobby Convey gets on the end of a Lambe cross. Goal brought to you by THE CANADIAN ASSOCIATION FOR RELIGIOUS APPRECIATION "Miracles can happen. God - ask for him by name"
D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 1
70' - Doneil Henry's frantic defending brought to you by the TORONTO ZOO "Come see a clumsy Giraffe run around - samesies!"
77' - Toronto FC defensive shell proudly presented by PETSMART "Your Turtle Superstore!"
80' - Robert Earnshaw's 2013 performance sponsored by FLIGHT CENTRE'S 'MARCH BREAK EARLY BIRD SALE' "Because who wants to do anything after March?"
83' - TFC do nothing with free kick opportunity on cusp of D.C. box. This missed opportunity brought to you by DEPENDS UNDERGARMENTS "The freedom to sh*t your pants anytime, anywhere. Depends."
88' - SUB: Alvaro Rey on for Bobby Convey. Substitution brought to you by CARAMILK "Unlock the Secret of TFC's Transfer Window Mystery!"
90'+ - Extra Time brought to you by NYQUIL. "Make your own damn joke... NyQuil"

FULL TIME: Sponsored by WINNERS
"Brand Name Fashions and Irony"
D.C. UNITED 1  - TORONTO 1

THE FRANK'S RED HOT PLAYER RATINGS:
"We Put this Sh*t Out Every Match"
Joe Bendik 6.5 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 6.5 / Ashtone Morgan 6 / Reggie Lambe 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Jonathan Osorio 5 (Darel Russell 5 ) / Bobby Convey 6.5 (Alvaro Rey N/A) / Jeremy Brockie 5 / Andrew Wiedeman 6 (Robert Earnshaw 5 )

THE YORKIES' OLD SPICE TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: "This Guy Didn't Stink"
Doneil Henry

CALGON presents THE BATH: "Calgon... Take Me Away"
What can be said about this match? Except "entirely likely". Kevin Payne's former and current clubs looking equally useless and ending up in a stalemate. Both sides scrappy in defence and disjointed in attack, so all in all, a fair result.

Much talk in both camps about "playing for next year" and "building for 2014" but as it stands now, you can't expect much to be different for either side a year from now without rapid change. Not the finest night for Mr. Payne's resume.


Now as part of our corporate shilling we're going for a smooth COLT .45!!!
　


Damn small print.



THE MATCHUP: Payne-ful to watch

The blurst of times?

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO

 

RFK STADIUM - SATURDAY 7PM ET

TV: SPORTSNET 360

 

THE KICKABOUT:

On paper, this fixture looked to be the perfect tonic for the eternally ailing TFC. A visit to that other nation's capital to face D.C. United, a club woefully sliding through the tail-end residuals of life under Kevin Payne. Meanwhile The Reds, now under his apparently steady hand, head... well not upwards... but let's say in a mildly circular motion.

 

The optimism was of course before TFC got news that their best player, Matias Laba, had broken his toe and will miss around six weeks. TFC was slow on delivering this news as they were busy telling us about the "Everything is OK 2014" Family HappyTime BBQ. Who needs playoffs when you have an Interactive Fan Zone and a chance to sell product after all? Little has changed.

 

So, this match - with Kevin Payne's fingerprints all over both sides' undercarriages - ends up as a truly ugly representation of "playing out the stretch". What won't be resolved on the field are growing questions whether the man who left United to join TFC was a wily MLS front office vet snagged by a floundering club crying out for leadership... or, a washed-up executive who had burned his bridges over the Potomac and found the one club desperate enough to hand him a life preserver.

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The Payne Identity"

 

PLAYERS TO WATCH:

D.C. UNITED: Dwayne De Rosario, Bill Hamid, Luis Silva

TORONTO: Joe Bendik, Jonathan Osario, Maxi Urruti

 

THE ODDS:

- De Ro scoring against TFC: 3-1

- Luis Silva scoring against TFC: 2-1

- Both teams imploding under immense crudulence: EVENS

 

WHO ARE YA?

After many years of attempting to get a new stadium deal done under the leadership of Kevin Payne, it looks like United have finally got their deal in place. Despite Mr. Payne no longer being a member of the club, his efforts will not be forgotten at the new ground. Plans for a way to honour his years of service are being made with United fans being asked to vote on the most appropriate commemoration between these choices:

 

1) A bronze statue of Payne surrounded by children of the world with the words "Get Used To It" carved in Latin at his feet

2) A commissioned oil painting of Payne scouting players by an open fire while Earl Cochrane is snuggled sleepily at his side

3) Friendlies scheduled bi-weekly for the lifespan of the new ground

 

POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "PAYNE. NO GAIN."

 

And... since it's Friday and this fixture "Scares Me" in a "Major" way, here's a video likely to be far more entertaining than the usual "General Rubbish"...



THE STARTING 11: Ways that being a celebrity has changed Bitchy the Hawk

"Don't you know who I am?"

Toronto FC does a lot of dumbass things in the name of faux promotion and manufactured tradition. Few however seem as forced and bludgeoned (despite being met with deafening apathy) as the pre-match introduction of Bitchy the Hawk. Like promoting Toronto FC as a "Bargain Harold's Benfica" fans are expected to go all goosepimply as a middle-aged dude in khakis escorts the bird halfway to midfield. Just stop it. However, all the attention has led to Bitchy becoming something of a local celebrity but if you think fame couldn't change her, you were wrong...

 

11. Suddenly making a lot of noise in the press about chasing seagulls in Los Angeles or New York

 

10. Forcing MLSE to carry new reality show "Rock Out With Your Hawk Out" on GOL TV

 

9. Won't get out of bed for less than 10,000 pieces of raw chicken liver a day

 

8. She has made the dude who walks her to midfield "her bride"

 

7. Her pen on the roof of BMO Field to be replaced by an orange Lamborghini

 

6. If Jim Brennan gets her morning coffee order wrong she pecks the sh*t out of his silly facial hair

 

5. Regularly chooses the TFC starting XI

 

4. Constantly getting out of cars commando with talons akimbo

 

3. Justin Braun pre-chews her food and gently drops it into her beak

 

2. Left her husband of 9 years, Brian the Hawk, after very public fling with musician John Mayer

 

1. Totally got that "alleged" video of her smoking crack on top of a building in Etobicoke destroyed

And... because when we think of fame we think of three things: Bitchy the Hawk, David Bowie and Soul Train. Obviously.