THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC complaints about Turkey

You can take a club to Turkey but can you turkey a club?

It was quite a surprise when word leaked out this past autumn that Toronto FC would be spending its preseason in Turkey. In the previous four years, TFC were more like Quebecois senior citizens who went to Florida for the winter. Their opponents usually resembled Old-Age Home U-90 teams too. But, 2011 is different and The Reds are on the exotic south coast of the big Eurasian nation with some good opponents lined up as well. However, it's an adjustment for the club who have never been so far from home and there are some early complaints about their Turkish delight...
　
11. Dichio wearing large comedy moustache and fez in training
　
10. Club forced to cut ties with Toronto's Greek Town
　
9. Dan Gargan very confused by the whole "Istanbul was Constantinople" thing
　
8. MLSE thought they were buying a turkey club, not sending the club to Turkey
　
7. Aron Winter saddened that "Turkey" puns haven't overshadowed "Winter" puns in media
　
6. De Rosario angry that his interviews referred to as "Instantbull"
　
5. Kebab Buttys
　
4. Locals keep calling the team "Hobo Galatasaray"
　
3. Some guy named "Moammar Johnston" keeps hanging around looking for jobs
　
2. Bob de Klerk always naked in the Turkish baths
　
1. Have to train on finely woven carpets

Letters From Camp: "Trial, trial again" - International trialists join Reds in Turkey

Javier Martina - Pride of Netherlands Antilles

Team Winter's goal of releasing more reliable information in four days than Mo Johnston did in four years continued today with the promised list of the remaining participating trialists. After the introduction of the three Canadians (Eddy Sidra, Gianluca Zavarise and David Monsalve) yesterday, TFC's "Camp GobbleGobble" in Turkey welcomed the following potential Reds into the happy family. Well, except for Uncle Dwayne... he's a bit miserable. Anyhoo, here's the latest contestants in TurkeyTime...
　
· JAVIER MARTINA: 23-year-old forward from the Netherlands Antilles. That's an island chain, not the Star Wars pilot. Joined the Jong AFC Ajax (Ajax's youth team) from the amazingly named FC Omniworld who are possibly a club from a Dutch theme park. Spent 3 season with Jong Ajax with mixed results culminating in a brief loan to HFC Haarlem before they went bankrupt... not his fault hopefully. Was highly rated for a period which did see him make two minor appearances for the main Ajax team. Big chances on a TFC club with few forward options.
· KING GYAN OSEI: Or possibly King Osei Gyan... or Gyan Osei King... depends where you read it! Either way, the Accra, Ghana born holding midfielder who attended high school in California was once such a prospect that Fulham snatched him up straight out of a Ghanaian academy. While never making it onto the Fulham First Team, the tough midfielder proved to be a useful member during a three-season loan spell at Belgian Pro League club Germinal Beerschot. And hey, who here doesn't want a Beerschot?!
· BAS ENT: Frequent visitors to The Yorkies and other TFC sources will have seen Bas Ent's name for a while now. The technical Dutch winger trained with Toronto last summer including getting some minutes in the friendly vs. Bolton Wanderers. Ent spent his young career toiling through the Dutch Eerste Divisie and lower with clubs such as FC Volendam and VV Katwijk before finding himself at the Dutch-phile Ohio-based club Dayton Dutch Lions in the USL PDL. Dayton isn't far from Columbus and Ent just wants to get away. Isn't it our duty to help an Ohio refugee? Please be generous.
· SANTIAGO GONZALEZ ARECO: While not yet a renowned name in International football circles this lithe 18-year-old Uruguayan striker has made a few waves in his home country. The 5 foot 8 hitman showed enough promise to play for Uruguay's highly regarded U-17 team and he also earned a spot on their U-17 World Cup squad in 2009. Hasn't managed to break free of his last club's (River Plate Montevideo) B-team where despite having an eye for goal has succumbed to criticisms of his fragile physical nature in the box.
· NICK SOOLSMA: The least known of the three Dutch treats in this group, the 23-year-old Soolsma has yet to cement a place up front with a club of any substance. Spent time with Holland's VV Young Boys and HFC Haarlem (the Dutch kind of Harlem, not the cool Hip Hop one). No word if Soolsma had anything to do with Haarlem's bankruptcy either. Despite flirtations with the Dutch U-20 and U-17 set-ups, definitely the dark horse of this group.

Pride of The Rebellion - Wedge Antilles

Letters From Camp: "Trial it... just a little bit..."

"Captain... passenger De Rosario wants to complain about his meal"

YOUNG TURKS
We still get a little shocked around here with Toronto FC's new-found quality information sharing. For four years we had more misinformation and doublespeak than a George Orwell novel and a director who only appeared when there was good news. Like a moronic little ginger groundhog. Part of Team Winter's "sharing and caring" was a promise to inform supporters of the trialists involved with the 2011 camp. Following are the Canadians invited to Turkey with word that some Europeans will be added in the coming days...
　
· EDDY SIDRA: The Sudanese-born Canadian International had been highly rumoured to be involved with the TFC set-up after appearing at the Team Canada "Ode to all-things Manchester" kit unveiling earlier this week in Toronto. The 5 foot 7-ish, 21 year old defender has spent the majority of his pro career in the youth system of Germany's Energie Cottbus but found himself without a club at the end of 2010. Has 7 U-20 and 3 Full International caps to his name.
· GIANLUCA ZAVARISE: BC-born midfielder with 1 Canadian Full cap. Came out of the West Coast youth leagues and made his way to Italy's Serie D semi-pro divisions where he toiled with glamour clubs such as Calcio Montebellunna (The Monster Balloons) and AC Belluno (The Athletic Balloons). Managed to move up to the German league where he got some solid time playing for Vfl Bochum's Reserve side before leaving them for Greece's Iraklis FC where he failed to make a First Team appearance. At 24 years old could still have the potential to add some stop-gap domestic depth to the midfield.
· DAVID MONSALVE: The 22 year old keeper could be quite the story if he makes the club as he would be the first Red to make a return appearance after leaving TFC. One of the club's many first-year keepers, Monsalve made one start in MLS against Chicago and also got minutes in the first season's friendly vs. Aston Villa. Happy times. Has spent majority of last 3 years at Finnish club Inter Turku FC (The International Turkeys) where he made 14 First Team appearances. At 6 foot 2 and hailing from North York, Monsalve could well be in goal for the TFC Reserves at least in 2011.
　
For now, these are the only three confirmed trialist names in camp but with so many available roster spots and being so deep into Europe it will be surprising if they are the last. More to follow here if added trialists appear.
　
　
NO TURKEY FOR YOU!
It emerged this afternoon that former TFC assistant coach, then interim head coach, then in-limbo staff member Nick Dasovic is no longer with the club. Dasovic and the Reds parted ways before the team left for Turkey and without word if the decision was based on Dasovic's dislike for kebabs. The decision would surprise few as having a former head coach as an assistant could undermine Aron Winter's authority and would never really work. There were expectations that Dasovic may coach the Reserve Team but a coaching role at either Vancouver or Montreal now looks more likely for the ex-Canadian International.
　
　
WHO'S NAFTA NOW?
While not exactly news from TFC camp, Major League Soccer made a big change to league roster rules which will affect Canadian clubs. Starting this year, American players will be considered as "domestic" status on Vancouver, Toronto and next year in Montreal. The aim is to even the competitive playing field for Canada's clubs. In order to protect the "Canadiana" of those clubs, they will have to have at least 3 Canadians on the roster at all times.
　
The league has also set-up a "task force" alongside the CSA to find ways of improving Canadian player growth and development. Here's an idea MLS... Step 1) Buy sledgehammer. Step 2) Take sledgehammer to CSA. Step 3) Smash.
　
The genius brigade at MLS also announced conference realignment for 2011 with Vancouver and Portland joining the West and those Atlantic seaboard faves Houston Dynamo joining the East. That audible banging you hear are the combined heads of North American football fans hitting walls as we face yet another year without a single table.

Letters From Camp: "Lights, webcams... little action"

Head Counsellor at "Camp Wannafooty"

Dispatches from camp always have to be taken with a grain of salt. The campers often have a wide variety of emotions from good to bad and send the strangest messages to their loved ones waiting for news. TFC camp isn't all that different - lots of wide-eyed youngsters, surly camp veterans and wily counsellors make for an adventurous few weeks where anything seems possible.
　
Our very own "Letters from Camp" section will try to capture some of that madness over the next few weeks as we try to keep you up to date with the wacky stories, both real and imagined, that emerge from Camp Wannafooty. Think of it as a home version of training camp as you figure out what's real and what's italicized not-so-real fireside chatter! For example: "The club announced that they are set to leave for Turkey"... or… "The club announced their former Director was a turkey" See! Fun! Catch "Letters from Camp" until early March... or until those wacky draft picks steal a canoe and row across to the girl's training camp!
　
To kick off camp, the players and staff met up with local media for some hasty interviews featuring the finest in puffball questions, cliché answers, terrible audio and shaky internet connections. Some of the highlighted points from the 2011 Reds included:
　
· ARON WINTER: A possibility of adding a second DP before the season; 6 trialists will join the club in Turkey; Tuesdays will feature an all-you-can-eat pancake and shmoke buffet; He did not like the "old British" style played here previously; Supplemental picks won't go to Turkey; Really sick of "Winter" puns already
· PAUL MARINER: The club is actively dealing with De Ro and his contract woes; He is not the 5th Beatle as rumoured online nor an actual mariner
· JULIAN DE GUZMAN: Has trimmed the afro buy at least 34%; His knee is getting better and he should play in the Carolina Challenge Cup; Enjoys the bible and long walks on the beach
· DEMETRIUS OMPHROY: Very excited about being club's top pick; Loves the city; Wants to be known as "Little Lord Omphroy"
· MATT GOLD: Eloquent and well spoken; Relishes the defensive midfield support role over offensive glory; Wants to lead MLS in freckles and ginger hair
· STEFAN FREI: Excited to play attacking football; Will get to use feet in Dutch style; Still thinks Swiss cheese beats Dutch any day
· NICK LABROCCA: Everyone got to meet the coaches and it should be "exciting" soccer; Really excited about upcoming tax season - offered to prepare teammates returns
· TY HARDEN: Has to prove self to club; Had to show ID to enter stadium
· NICK GARCIA: Came in and announced "someone order a taxi?"
· JACOB PETERSON: The attitude is positive; Turkish food is frightening - will bring own powdered milk;
· JIMMY BRENNAN: Wanted to know if you take your coffee with cream and sugar
· MAICON SANTOS: Was clueless as who would line-up next to him in striker position; Having hard time with Toronto's winter that renders his lambada moves useless
· DAN GARGAN: Biggest change was not signing with team 2 hours before kick-off; Has trademarked the phrase "Soccer's Wendel Clark";
· COLLIN SAMUEL: Wanted to see if any sandwiches were left over
· DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Celtic was a "great experience"; Winter is direct and straight forward - a refreshing start; Just turned down a controversial trial with Queen Of The South; "Some people like you, some people don't"; Wants to play in upcoming Canada v Greece friendly; Plans to run for Mayor of Scarborough in 2015; Replied to journalist question about trials with "If the New York Times asks you to write for their paper - would you go?"; Announced trial with the New York Times Sunday league co-ed squad
· MO JOHNSTON: Twittered that his birdhouse was coming along nicely and he had 6 or 7 Brazilian birds interested in moving into it
　
So there you have your campsite fun for now. To see the official, and fully factual (what fun is that?) interviews, check out the official site. But again, why? It's so... factual. Boring!

THE WORD: First day back Maltesers

Red with a honeycomb centre. Like TFC's 2010 defence!

The stories out of TFC training camp's first day started leaking before the ink was dry on the medical needles. At least that's my understanding of needles. Might explain my scurvy. Anyhoo... with roster spots galore and a plane warming up on the tarmac for a flight to Turkey, names have begun to pop up on the potential passenger list aboard AeroWinter - direct flight, non-stop to Antalya... On-board meal: butty; In-flight film: "How Not to Play Football: TFC 2010 Season Highlights".
　
Apart from the expected inclusion of The Reds' eight recent draft picks, word is that TFC will give a fair shake to four current TFC Academy products: Ashtone "Loc" Morgan, Oscar "Meyer" Cordon, Keith "Booyah" Makubuya and Matt "Don't Call me Matthew" Stinson. The homegrown youngsters will by all accounts get as much opportunity, if not more, than their NCAA-bred counterparts. TFC's recent announcement of creating even younger Academy teams shows that the homeslice plan is the route they will follow in future. The new U-1 TFC Toddler team will really pay dividends in the 2029 season.
　
Rumours from outside of the club include whispers that Andrew Ornoch may no longer be in The BMO Field mix while Canadian international Eddy Sidra (in town to show off the national team's new "Ode to Man United" kit") could be interested in joining the team. Sidra has been without a club since his contract with Germany's Energie Cottbus (so fun to say!) ended in 2010.
　
The wackiest rumour floating around came out of footballing hotbed Malta where media reports linked 22 year old Brazilian striker Camilo da Silva Sanvezzo (aka Camilo) with TFC. The 5 foot 7 forward scored a massive 22 goals in 24 Maltese Premier League matches with the great Qormi team (apparently the Aston Villa of Malta) before venturing off to a less than inspiring stretch with South Korea's Gyeongnam (apparently South Korea’s Blackburn Rovers) where he failed to score. Before getting too excited about 22 goals in 24 matches, remember... it's the Maltese League. Word is that the reigning champs played a mule in net for half the season.
　
One day in and it's already fun! Welcome back footballs!
　
WORD FACTOR (TFC Academy call-ups): 9 / 10
WORD FACTOR (Ornoch & Sidra): 5 / 10
WORD FACTOR (Camilo): 3 / 10

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC preseason vaccinations

"You are safe to play The Crew now"

The first photo-op of any preseason is of eager (well, mostly eager) players arriving at their club and getting ready for their annual medical. Down at BMO Field, Toronto FC's crack medical team will be putting the Reds, both old a new, through their paces to make sure they are up to scratch. Of course, it's not all jumping jacks and 1930's style fat-shaking machinery - Doctor Dichio and staff also has to get the roster ready for the rigours of an MLS season and its inherent dangers with a series of vaccinations against some potentially odd ailments...
　
11. Bitchy Rabies
　
10. (Aron) Winter Blahs
　
9. Strained Afro (Julian de Guzman only)
　
8. DP Envy
　
7. Mo Withdrawal
　
6. Buttygut
　
5. Dan-Gargantuism
　
4. Cann-cussion
　
3. Columbus, Ohio
　
2. Celtic Fever
　
1. Nicked LaBroccas

Das Falsche Konsültant Journal: Day 75 - Auf wiedersehen Toronto, Kanada

7 AM: Departing on zie early morgen flight form LAX flughafen to der Toronto, Kanada Baron Lester V. Pearson flughafen. Today ist finale wrap-up address with FC Toronto staffen under strict direction of Chancellor Herr Anselmi. Will not be saddened over loss of Luft Kanada Airlines. Ist like riding on das Wuppertal Suspended Railway for hours in sky - but mit worse föod und more eishockey dokümentary.
　
8:30 AM: No timen for die hearty breakfast before departure so I bring mein special "Stuttgart Sunrise" Pöwer Shaken in mein onboard lüggagetrunken. I request a bendy straw from die sexy luft waitress but she claims there is no bendy straws on die aircraft. Schiesse! "Lies, lies, lies!" I yell - but mein anger falls on deaf Kanadian ears. I am forced to drink Pöwer Shaken (lingenberry, limes, herring, horseradish und marzipan) from die Tüpperware cup like some kinderdumkopf! Herr across aisle turns up nose at mein shaken, I tell him to “chill out dude!”
　
10 AM: Lose patience mit in-flighten audiovisual system. Vas ist die “Corner Petroleum” programmen? Ee ist neither humourous nor edukational auf role of petroleum prices und their residual effekt on der Western ekonömy! Thankful that I uploaden zie latest German slapstick komedy filmen “Your Family Never Loved You”. Hilarity.
　
3 PM (Kanada Timen): Toronto is colder than der embrace of Lothar Matthäus. Temperature effects my nether region in der adverse way.
　
3:30 PM: In transit to MLS und E secret bunker. I asken mein driver, Nick Garcia, to stoppen so I can try famous Toronto strasse frankfurter, or as is called in Kanada “Der Street Meat”. After one bite I throw this strassemeat on der pavement. Dies ist disgrace to the City of Frankfurt! Und I spillen die relish on mein loafer! Schiesse!
　
4 PM: Arriven at MLS und E bunker. Herr Anselmi willkommen me mit bundeshüg und tells der JimmyBee to get me the espresso. Der JimmyBee must have got der promotion as Herr Anselmi only refers to him as “Mr. Coffee”. I did not konsült such a personnel movement yet I think er ist perfekt for job! Herr Anselmi tells me all is happy mit TFC again and he is pleased mit my signing of “Jonathan Winters”. I correct him that it is Aron Winter but he rides away on die back of Earl of Cockrain and says “thanks for everything Jerry Klugman!”
　
4:30 PM: Texten message from olden freund Rudi Völler: Why must you hire die Nederlander für FC Toronto trainer?! You know how Rudi feels for zie Nederlander! Rudi spitten on your choice! Poor Rudi, always mit his moustachen in der knot!
　
4:45 PM: Before leaving der MLS und E bunker, JimmyBee... er Mr.Coffee und die Giant Dichio bring me der spëcial giften basket from Herr Anselmi as departing gift mit card attached saying "To Jerry... I don't care what The History Channel says, you German-types are fine by me! Heil soccer! T.A. & The gang!" Strange man. Giften basket is containing der following köntents: 1 satchel "Fancy Mixed Nuts"; Autograffen fotograf of eishockey legend Dan Daoust; 2 kilogram of pickled Cantonese panda meat; DVD box set of "Battle of the Blades - Season 2"; Der coupon for "One Free Crime of My Choice in the Greater Toronto Area"; a small creature in a cage mit direktion "Do Not Feed After Midnight"; XBox 360; jar full mit ground unicorn horn; der "Leafs Nation" tea towel; a platinum keycard mit wörds "Pleasure Chamber" engraved on one side; World War III sniper rifle; limited time Maple Leafs donut from Tim Horton’s; und finale... die map to “2012 Ark”.
　
6 PM: Say last auf wiedersehen to Toronto skyline und kiss to both cheeks of limo driver Nick Garcia. Tells me he is to return to Kalifornia to “work on his music”. Says we should “meet up for lunch”, I say “no danke”. Buy die maple syrup von Kanada in der Düty Free. Get texten message from Herr Anselmi before boarding Luft Kanada Airlines: Jerry - best if you don’t take that gift basket through customs LOL! Again - was ist die lol?
　
8 PM: Try to rest on flight back to LAX flughafen by watching iPäd foto slideshow of mein kitty kat best friend Karl-Heinz dressed as famous footballers of the 1980’s. Karl-Heinz as 1985 Peter Beardsley in der Newcastle kit is mein favorit! Watch die uploaded German night-time talk show “I Watch You Sleep mit Boris Becker" - special guest, a dog dressed as transvestite Ivan Lendl.
　
8:30 PM (Kalifornia Timen): Arrive at LAX flughafen. Immediately pulled aside by der Fatherland Security. I am thinking large man is wanting mein autograf but instead he says “is this gift basket yours sir?” Schiesse.
　
8:45 PM: Full body kävity search. Not entirely unpleasant.
　
9:00 PM: Fatherland Security man returns, says that he “didn’t know I was friends with Grand Elk Anselmi” und was free to leave.
　
9:15 PM: Last küstoms officer at LAX flughafen asken “Anything to declare?” - I answer “$400,000 dollars for three months work ist wunderbar!”


“Das Falsche Konsültant Journal” does not claim to represent the words of any real Germanic person living, dead or miscellaneous. No dogs were dressed as tranvestite Ivan Lendl during the publication of this falsche Bavarian diary. Danke

"Whooo! Spring Break!" TFC releases preseason plans

Cann, LaBrocca, Gargan and Harden get ready...

Yes, it's a bit of a slow news day when you are discussing your club's travel plans but things are a little more interesting than in years past. From 2007 through 2010, Mo Johnston's Reds usually dilly-dallied around Florida for a few weeks while testing their "strengths" against far from formidable opponents such as out of season NCAA squads and Sunday League ex-pros before winding up with a mediocre display at the annual Carolina Challenge in Charleston, SC. Of course, it's was always hard to train considering Mo didn't start signing players until 24 hours before the season started.
　
This year marks a decidedly improved and far more challenging springtime for Toronto FC. After a brief get-together in Toronto, the club, along with some trialists and invitees, embarks on their first ever sojourn to Europe - specifically Antalya, Turkey. During their two week stay in the Turkish city, The Reds will play friendlies against UEFA middleweights Dinamo Zagreb of Croatia and Serbian legends Partizan Belgrade with another match TBA. Despite both Dinamo and Partizan trying out some new and young bodies themselves, it still marks a vast improvement in pre-season challenges.
　
The club returns to North America on February 12th and will split their time between Toronto and the US South with appearances at both the Disney Tournament and once again at the Carolina Challenge Cup where they will test their strengths against MLS rivals.
　
With rumoured trialists, including Bas Ent, Evan Schwartz, Andrew Ornoch and David Monsalve, joining the eight recent draft picks, the TFC camps should be an open affair with a lot of competition for many available spots. Hopefully the club will help out their eager fanbase with far more open reporting, which would contrast the former regime's "information lockdown" agenda.
　
View the full TFC Preseason schedule here...

"Sup' Plemental Draft?" "Just Draftin', whassup' wit you?"

The Fighter: "Irish" Steven Beattie

Enough of that wacky rap music street jive, Toronto FC is doing serious business... yo! Major League Soccer held the 2011 Supplemental Draft today and Team Winter was busy doing what Mo Johnston rarely did - team building. For those of you who don't know what this draft is all about, think of last week's SuperDraft as the exciting Boxing Day sale where all kinds of goodies are up for grabs. The Supplemental Draft on the other hand is the post-Boxing Day sale where the things that didn't get picked up are thrown into a bin and bargain hunters sift through junk looking for a diamond in the rough.
　
Despite its Honest Ed's feel, the Supplemental Draft isn't anything to be sneezed at. It's true that there are no contract guarantees given to the drafted players with many, if not most, disappearing quietly during training camps. However, now and again, those diamonds are discovered. In past years, MLS stars such as Jeff Larentowicz, Brian Ching and Chris Wondolowski have emerged from the bin in question. With that possibility and a whole whack (more rap jive) of roster spots available, Toronto FC 2.0 has taken four youngsters with potential shiny bits.
　
• JIMMY "JC" BANKS: Mobile midfielder from University of Wisconsin - Green Bay (Go! Fightin' Cheese Wheels! Go!) who just dropped out of the SuperDraft selections last week after a mediocre combine. Father was a US International who played at the 1990 World Cup and starred with the indoor Milwaukee Wave. "Wave Soccer - Catch the Taste!"
• "IRISH" STEVEN BEATTIE: The high-scoring forward made his way from the youth leagues of Dublin, Ireland over to the wilds of Northern Kentucky (great fried chicken, awful Irish breakfasts) in NCAA Division II. His eye for goal led him to be named the division's Player of the Year in 2008 and 2010 but his stock dropped due to his MLS International Roster status.
• SPENCER "FOR HIRE" THOMPSON: One of two guys named Spencer Thompson to go in today's draft. Wha' Supp (see what I did there?) with that? The big forward from Michigan State actually trained with TFC last summer when the "Preki & Mo FunTime Hour" still ruled. Does he still want to come? Hey, free trip to Turkey! Gobble, gobble!
• SCOTT "SPANISH FOR RED SCOTT" ROJO: Diminutive midfielder from High Point University ("Let's! Get! High!") who spent some time with the USL PDL's Carolina Dynamo. The 5 Foot 7 Texan can still tower over new TFC forward Joao Plata - so there's that.
　
On a roster that is full of chances, a spot on the big club - or at least its Reserve League baby brother - is there for the taking for these young men. As one of eight youngsters joining the new “Oranje Reds” in the last week, these players may have joined the most opportune club outside of the two expansion teams. They won't be able to just walk onto TFC though. If Team Winter’s constant selection of two-way players has shown anything, it's that they have a plan in mind and will only take players who fit. Word to your mutha.

Whassup' with that?

THE STARTING 11: Nice things to say about the MLSE Board

"Tom, this panda is delicious! You can taste the powdered pickle!"

Us Yorkies have been tough on the Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment brass in regards to their stewardship of Toronto FC - and rightfully so! Seriously... they bought the team, Dichio scored a goal... pretty much downhill from there. When they announced this off-season that they would assemble a top-notch management team, we turned up our noses and waited for Earl Cochrane's introduction as GM. But, as we know... they shocked us all and bought Team Winter instead and thus kudos are rightfully extended.
　
With MLSE's extension of sudden goodwill, we tried to suck it up and say some nice things about them. It hurt. Hurt real bad. We tried to find some genuine things, we really did - but we are petty, bitter and pessimistic types and failed. So, in the absence of truth, here are some nice things we'd believe to be complimentary about Toronto's sporting overlords...
　
11. Worship a different gold/goat god for every sports franchise
　
10. Have a solid plan to invade Bermuda - convert it into fascist island dictatorship named "Leafs Nation"
　
9. Poltergeists in new Downtown condos down by 30%
　
8. Successfully trademarked phrase "The Rolling 5-Year-Plan"
　
7. "The RealSports Human Sport-Hunting Facility" ranked # 1 in North America for three years running!
　
6. Completely entranced and invigorated by Jürgen Klinsmann's forceful German speeches... just saying.
　
5. Know how to build a top-notch secret dungeon
　
4. Have almost nearly stopped making Chip Butty from people
　
3. Never leave any leftover endangered panda meat at Board luncheons
　
2. Have managed to conceal Mo Johnston's whereabouts for over 5 months and counting!
　
1. Always sacrifice virgins in a timely and efficient manner