THE RUMOUMETER - November 30, 2012

Welcome to The Yorkies' regular off-season rumour roundup - "The Rumoumeter". Too busy to keep your TFC ear to the ground all winter? Just stop by the site and we will quickly show you what rumours are hot - and which ones have hit the back burner. Some of the rumours have weight – others are little more than whispers; we take their temperature with... "The Rumoumeter"...
　

REDS HOT!

PAUL MARINER'S EUROPEAN SCOUTING TARGETS PUT ON HOLD?

TFC LOBBYING MLS TO SCHEDULE MONTREAL OR LOS ANGELES FOR SKYDOME HOME OPENER?

TWO MORE D.C. UNITED EXECS BEING TAPPED TO JOIN KEVIN PAYNE IN TFC FRONT OFFICE?

WAS A FORMER CANADIAN INTERNATIONAL IN LINE TO BE TFC PRESIDENT BEFORE KEVIN PAYNE WAS HIRED?

WERDER BREMEN APPROACHED TORSTEN FRINGS TO RETURN TO CLUB AS A COACH BEFORE START OF 2013 BUNDESLIGA SEASON?

FROZEN PITCH!

Kevin relief.... wait....

Jump up. Jump up. Wait for it.... and get down.



A landmark occasion for Toronto FC supporting and punning as the club concluded its seven year exhaustive search today by naming Kevin Payne as Club President and General Manager. As reported here yesterday - as well as in almost every other football medium in North America - the worst kept secret in Major League Soccer was officially unveiled this afternoon. Payne, long-time president of D.C. United, has accepted what is arguably the most challenging of roles in MLS - clearing up six seasons of absolutely wasted time and resource and finally putting the "C" in TFC.
　
After years of expecting the worse from this club, and more recently having press conferences leaving heads shaking for days, today turned out to be a surprise. A pleasant one. From the moment Emperor Palpatine Tom Anselmi stopped talking and Kevin Payne began, it was like witnessing TFC grow up before our eyes. Gone was corporate double-speak, off-the-cuff ramblings and snarky blame-gaming instead replaced by thoughtful, assured and most importantly, professional answers delivered by a man who actually looks and sounds like a leader.
　
Yes, we have all been on the TFC False Dawn train before so it is hard to give in to the positive feelings fully - but - you couldn't help feel optimistic over Payne who claimed that "this is the only job in MLS he would have left D.C. for". Expectedly, the new President and GM said all the right things about the owners and the existing staff but we were left with the feeling that fools won't be suffered gladly for long at BMO Field. Those wishing for an unrealistic massive overhaul of personnel will be left wanting and indeed things may not improve on the field immediately but for today, and for the first time since 2007, many TFC fans believe that the man in charge actually knows what he's doing. Time will tell of course, but a bit of belief is more than we've had in a very long time.
　
Now MLSE, leave the man alone to do his job. Yours truly… everyone.

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “…faffin’ about in pastel boots ”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hi Stan,
I’m frustrated with TFC as they seem more interested in money over winning championships. Were endorsements and sponsorships this important when you played?
Craig - Etobicoke, ON
　
The modern game has gone to absolute tosh my lad. All I see on the Match of The Day now is a bunch of foreign ponces faffin’ about in pastel boots with kits that look like motorway ad hoardings. It’s a bloody disgrace I say! Players selling their souls for the almighty shilling - is nothing sacred? Just play your football then maybe a post-match pint at The Cobbler’s Arms Pub on William Street ("For good times and good ale it’s The Cobbler’s Arms"); possibly if you are peckish you may stop for some nosh at P. Wilson Pie & Mash on the High Street ("The official jellied eel purveyor of Southend United’s Stan Bentley"); and make it a night out I say, you played well and you did fix up your hair after the match with Olde Berkshire Masculine Hairstyling Petroleum ("On the pull? Reach for Olde Berkshire") – just don’t give in to greed and shameless self-promotion! All the best, Stan Bentley ("Modern Day Advice – The Bentley Way")
　
Stan!
Just started to read "The Gents" and love it. Can I follow you on Twitter or Facebook?
Justin – Toronto, ON
　
Who are you man and why are you following me?! Don’t try it on boy-o, Old Stan knows a thing or two about being followed… and I own a pair of karate slippers. I was trailed for weeks when I played for Charlton Athletic. Shadowy figure following me about all round South London: The Gentleman’s Oriental Calisthenics Parlour (where I got the slippers), The Gentleman’s Parlour of Boudoir Ladydancing and even to the Community Opium Parlour (unisex) – no respite! It was only after I got transferred to Carlisle United that I heard through the grapevine (a boudoir ladydancer) that my mystery stalker had been my teammate at The Addicks - speedy forward Johnny Summers! But tell me this one - how I was supposed to know that Mrs. Rhonda Summers was married? Kept a few photos of his lady in a book – none of her face though. Keep away, Stan.
　
Hello Stan,
I have a problem. My boyfriend is very competitive with me about our careers and it really bothers me – what can I do?
Samantha – Bolton, ON
　
Cheerio Samantha – love to get some post from a ladyreader. And Bolton too! Up the Trotters! To your query though… I must say I am utterly confused. By my scientific calculations your boyfriend is quite alarmingly employed in the secretarial pool, as some type of crossdressing lunch lady or he is a stewardess. Ah, competitive stewardesses. Old Stan was a celebrity judge once at the "Pan-European Stewardess Olympiad and Dance" you know. Fantastic display it was. Trolley Dollies as far as the eye could see. The Inga from Royal Dutch was ahead until she failed to light my pipe properly; then the ginger from Aer Lingus underbuttered my scone which left the madame from Air France… took her three fumbly goes before she successfully buckled my safety belt – 1st Prize! Any way you slice it Samantha, there’s no need to fret – any airline with a male stewardess like your boyfriend will soon be bankrupt! You win! Bon Voyage!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

Insert Payne/pain pun (here): Toronto FC to name Kevin Payne as President?

"Get out ya seat and Jump Around!"



In the world of football punnage possibilities, TFC couldn’t hire anyone better than ex DC United president Kevin Payne. And, if multiple sources are to be believed, it is exactly what the leadership-phobic club has done today.
　
Hot off the heels of Payne announcing his resignation from his long-held post with United, it now looks likely that for the first time in its history, TFC may have a club president - and with actual MLS football pedigree. In his 17 years with Capital City Capitals FC, Payne is seen as an instrumental piece in the club's sometimes dominant league standing which includes four MLS Cup titles, four MLS Supporters Shields and two U.S. Open Cup titles. While his hire will not include a guarantee of success and trophies, it may just bring TFC closer to operating like a stable football club.
　
While many will see the proposed move as "bold" (Don Garber), there is a little hand-wringing going on regarding Payne. His apparent lack of knowledge of the "Canadian soccer landscape" has been floated but this seems to be reaching for pitfalls at best. Why is it a club’s responsibility to be near-and-dear to the national program? An inherently dysfunctional one at that. Yes its apples and oranges but would a club in England or Italy be concerned if a great presidential candidate had little previous dealings with the FA or the FIGC? No, they hire the best man to make their club a success as that is their responsibility.
　
The other concern in some circles is Payne's previous working relationship with Earl Cochrane and Thomas Rongen. In most cases, a familiarity with existing staff would be considered a plus but many in Toronto do not hold Earl Cochrane in great regard so there is worry that the existing rot may be able to continue. While not a hysterical fear, it is one that will only be solved if MLSE make this a complete deal. In other words, this seems to be a solid and positive move if the owners follow up 50% of the deal - identifying and signing Payne - with the second 50% - giving the new club president the mandate, and most importantly, the power to create change.
　
For the most part Kevin Payne is a complete outsider from MLSE with about as solid a resume as was available for this role. TFC supporters have been yearning for a "football man" to lead this club from the top for a long while and on the surface, we may have been given that. Of course, with Toronto FC it is always what lurks below the surface which makes all the difference. For now, we invite the Payne.
　
ANY OFFICIAL CLUB WORD WILL BE LINKED HERE

And we are legally obliged to include the following...

Hassli to return as DP? Local tattoo parlours prepare for big year

Less of that in 2013 please Monsieur



Stocks rose in both the neck ink and red card markets on the TSE this afternoon after the Toronto Sun's Kurt Larson tweeted the following: "CONFIRMED: Eric Hassli will be back with #TFC as a DP to start 2013." While yet to be confirmed by the club, the return of the burly Frenchman would hardly be a shock but his wage may raise a few eyebrows.
　
Most TFC supporters are fine with the idea of Hassli's return but would balk at using a DP slot on the 31-year old. Perhaps if his arrival in Toronto hadn't been blemished by an injury-filled stutter-start, people would have fewer problems with him taking a Designated slot but rightly or wrongly - there is a feeling in TFCLand that Hassli is past his best and likely to continue to fight injuries. However, when it comes down to it, Hassli returning as a non-DP would have been at a wage very close to the DP exemption so the only loss is the slot itself. Whether you feel that a better DP is available for TFC - and if they are capable of identifying and acquiring said DP - is down to a matter of opinion.
　
Hassli's proposed return is possibly telling on a couple of fronts regarding TFC's braintrust. You can surmise that there is unease at the reliability of a returning Danny Koevermans thus making the presence of an established striker, ready in March, a necessity at any price. For the cynics, there may be a feeling that TFC's less than stellar scouting community can't be relied upon to find better than Hassli and also that there is a need for the striker to return in order to justify Mariner & Co.’s gifting of a 1st Round Pick to Vancouver. At the other end of the spectrum, the more optimistic will laud some stability in the line-up and the preservation of an MLS-proven striker who undoubtedly wants to succeed in Toronto. Either way, DP signings do not make or break a team in this league and it will be the addition of squad depth which will most decide TFC's fate next season.

THE STARTING 11: Re-branded titles for Toronto FC's management duo

"It's yo birfday... go out there and take what you want..."



Whether you believe in their ability to reverse TFC's fortunes or not, you would have to concede that Paul Mariner and Earl Cochrane are losing the PR war. Fresh from the verbal to-and-fros that were the TFC Town Halls, it is evident that the club's management team needs to be painted in a rosier light. Much like previous successful re-brands (Crystal Pepsi, New Coke, Diet Cherry Crab Juice etc.) our faithful football leaders just need to jazz up their title so that the kids and the hipsters think they are groovy and such. Here are just a few choices for you gentlemen... it's a moniker shop, go out and take what you want...
　
11. "Canada's Next Top Management Team"
　
10. "My Two Dads" (submitted by Eric A.)
　
9. "The Make-A-Wiedeman Foundation"
　
8. "The 5th Beatle... and the 6th Moody Blue"
　
7. "Pearlgelina"
　
6. "Seven Year Itchy & Scratchy"
　
5. "Earlinem and 50 Pence"
　
4. "The Global Warmers" (eliminating Winter once and for all)
　
3. "Paul Mariner feat. Earl Cochrane"
　
2. Paul & Oates
　
1. "President's Choice - Memories of Year One"

THE RUMOUMETER - November 23, 2012

Welcome to The Yorkies' regular off-season rumour roundup - "The Rumoumeter". Too busy to keep your TFC ear to the ground all winter? Just stop by the site and we will quickly show you what rumours are hot - and which ones have hit the back burner. Some of the rumours have weight – others are little more than whispers; we take their temperature with... "The Rumoumeter"...

  

REDS HOT!

NEW CLUB PRESIDENT ROLE TO BE FILLED WITH EXPERIENCED MLS MAN BY CHRISTMAS?

TFC TO ADD LIMITED NUMBER OF FREE BUS RIDES TO MONTREAL FOR FREE TICKET FIXTURE IN 2013?

BOB DE KLERK TO HAVE CONTRACT TERMINATED IMMINENTLY?

LDU QUITO HAS SOURED ON UNDERPERFORMING JOAO PLATA?

TFC KEEPING AN EYE ON IRISH-LIBYAN STRIKER EAMON ZAYED LAST OF IRANIAN CLUB PERSEPOLIS?

FROZEN PITCH!

“The Gents” with Stan Bentley – “What’s wrong with Blackpool…?”

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Hello Stan,
What would you say is the key to a successful relationship/partnership?
Yours truly, Chris – Welland, ON
　
Firstly chap, why the use of "/" in your query? Hands too tired for the Queen’s "and or"? No wonder you’re bollocks with relationships you lazy sod! Secondly, be clear lad – are you referring to a relationship "and or" partnership with a fellow professional, and or a more horizontal relation? Chocks away – Old Stan will cover all of your lackadaisical bases Christopher...

In a workplace partner seek someone with a good head on their shoulders, a keen eye and a poacher’s left foot wide of goal – a real Bobby Hunt off of Colchester United. In the lady-range, grab a lass who can fill out a gown while being a dab hand with both the gas range and a typewriter. Either or, the top traits in a life-long partnership are loyalty, trust and let’s be honest… physical beauty. In the good times and the bad, you have to accept their shortcomings and have them accept yours. So Guv, when it comes down to it, the key to any successful relationship is my dear Alsatian – Douglas. Wonderful canine he is. Smells a wee bit of egg but you know what? Never missed an easy goal in the 1957 FA Cup 4th Round like a certain Bobby Hunt and or overcooked my cheese on toast. Edna.
　
Stan,
Toronto FC had bad luck this year when a black cat ran in front of our goalie during a game. Did you believe in superstitions when you played?
Tim – Richmond Hill, ON
　
"Pish-posh" is what Stan says to superstitions. Bunch of old clap-trap for fishwives and the clergy. And, what is wrong with the Black Cats? I had a right good run-out with Sunderland in my day. Although, now you mention it, there was a bit of funny business at Roker Park. Scottish keeper Willie Fraser would always be first in line at the canteen on fish Fridays and was a very superstitious lad. If he dropped a grain of salt off his plate he’d use the rest of the shaker tossing it over his shoulders. By time I’d get to the front of the line there wouldn’t be a grain of the white stuff left for my chips and if there is one guarantee in life – unsalted chip on a Friday means no goals on a Saturday. That’s just science! One Friday Old Stan tried to get right near the front of the grub line only to end up with a grain of salt in the eyeball from one of the Scotsman’s tosses. I was out for fortnight then transferred away from Sunderland. Bit of bad luck that was. Made a point never to cross paths with the Black cats again… nor say Willie Fraser’s name three times in a mirror. So don’t be a silly boy Timothy – no such malarkey!
　
Hi Stan,
Love your article. My fiancé and I are planning our honeymoon and since you seem well travelled I thought I’d ask – would you go to France or Cuba if you had a choice?
Hope to hear from you, Victor – Mississauga, ON
　
No. That would be the answer. You’ve got one thing spot-on though matey, Stan has seen the world… from Skegness to Margate… I’ve been around and I will tell you right now, your choices couldn’t be worse for a honeymoon. Seriously man - France? What’s wrong with Blackpool like regular newlyweds? I took the ferry across to Boulogne once to get some cheap ‘baccy. Got on the first boat back to Dover. If you’d like your post-nuptials to resemble the evacuation of Dunkirk, be my guest but don’t come crying to me when your new ladywife spends the next four weeks getting the smell of soft cheese out of your waistcoat. And my word, Cuba? If your idea of a romantic getaway is Fascist Marxism, boxing and cigarillos… enjoy Vladimir. Three weeks on a steamer to Havana followed by a week of eating nowt but dry beans? Good luck getting your lady near your Tropic of Cancer after five days of bean trumps. You’ll be the one with a Cuban Missile Crisis boy-o. Just two words for you my socialist sympathiser: A caravan in Wales. Congrats!
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: Player reactions to being released by Toronto FC

The Release Rocket



Having your contract terminated by a club is never a nice moment for a footballer... depending on the club doing the cutting. The most common reaction from departing players is a solemn thanks to the fans but every now and then a few words are uttered that make you curious. After TFC culled its "Dirty Half-Dozen" last week, young midfielder Oscar Cordon took to Twitter with a post-cutting "Thank God". Optimists thought it was his religious side coming out but when I yell "JESUS CHRIST" at Toronto FC - it's not in anticipation of the second coming. Blasphemy aside, we thought we'd take a look back at a few other unique parting shots by ex-Reds....
　
11. KEITH MAKUBUYA: "Surely this pink-slip was meant for Andrew Wiedeman right?!"
　
10. LAURENT ROBERT: "Au revoir to this croissant-forsaken tundra!"
　
9. ANDREA LOMBARDO: "I'm sad to leave but I'd like to thank all the fans... and does anyone know when the next Dufferin 29 bus is due?"
　
8. MAXIM USANOV: "Maxim so angry he could punch horse!" (10 minutes later) "...does anyone know telephone for horse dentist?"
　
7. LESLY FELLINGA: "I was going to put a Haitian Voodoo curse on BMO Field... but obviously I was beaten to it."
　
6. MISTA: "Adios... and gracias for the free money!"
　
5. MARTIN SARIC: "I feel robbed."
　
4. TY HARDEN: "Wait... I still play here?"
　
3. RAIVIS HSCANOVICS: "Vry trrble day. Hscanovics dsspnted ovr rlse frm Trnto"
　
2. COLLIN SAMUEL: "They may take away my contract... but they can never take MY SANDWICH!!!"
　
1. ADRIAN CANN: "Oh and one last thing. My abs? They ARE real... and they're spectacular!"

Cann'ed! Ex-MVP one of six released by TFC

A career to fall back on. Now do "Blue Steel"!



Out with the old, in with TBD. The replacements are yet to be identified but Toronto FC lowered the boom on three former starting defenders and three Academy grads today as Paul Mariner & Co. begin to make space for TFC XII. The following dirty half-dozen were the first to be deemed surplus in the magical world of "No Frills" football but are unlikely the last...
　
ADRIAN CANN: All the abs in the world couldn't save the former club MVP and nine-time Canadian international. For a stretch, Cann had become the club's most solid CB - which is of course not saying much - but a series of injuries was followed by an apparent lack of interest by the new manager. Thank God there is so much money to be made for 32-year old male models.
　
TY HARDEN: The only real surprise is that he was still here to be released. "Try Harder" was given more than enough chances to solidify a starter's role but his oak tree-esque mobility and constantly bewildered looks doomed him to petering out at TFC under a cloud of "mystery ailments". Off you go Ty. Finally.
　
DICOY WILLIAMS: Sad Tweet Alert! Sad Tweet Alert! The big Jamaican had the briefest of bright moments when he and Adrian Cann were a healthy duo but injuries and his 2km/h top speed doomed him to oblivion. That being said - he is a semi-regular with the Jamaican national team so are TFC missing something? Wrong Caribbean island maybe?
　
OSCAR CORDON: The diminutive midfielder seemed like he was the apple of Aron Winter's eye for a period but completely fell off the radar in 2012. Hopefully a useful NASL career can be carved out for the affable local lad.
　
KEITH BAKUBUYA: It all went downhill when the Academy grad told TFC TV that his last name was pronounced "MA-KOO-BE-YUH" instead of the far more entertaining "MAKKA-BOOYAH!" From that point on it was only a matter of time. A career snuffed out by boring pronunciation.
　
NICHOLAS LINDSAY: Lindsay was the first Academy grad to really turn heads at TFC. The speedy winger looked like he had the skills to play at a level similar to fellow grad Ashtone Morgan but an unfortunate (and daft) snowmobiling accident was the catalyst for the end of his TFC dream.
　
While many will bemoan the fate of three young locals, this is simply the reality of having an Academy system. It is unfortunate that a U-23 set up doesn't exist within the TFC framework but local kids are cut from clubs all over the world. As for the veteran defenders, there will be some sentiment for Cann but in all honesty none of these three were the way forward for Toronto and would be hard-pressed to make the bench on many MLS clubs. The only questions that remain are "who is next?" and more importantly "who is replacing them?" The post-season fun has begun.

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Good for the chops"

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Welcome back Stan!
As a long suffering Toronto FC fan I was upset to hear the players say that lack of fitness in the pre-season hurt them this year. Can you tell us how you trained for a new season in your playing days?
All the best, Rick – Oakville, ON
　
Howdo Rikki Tikki Tavi - good to be back… good to be anywhere! Foreigners, really! Anylengths duck, to the business at hand – how Old Stan became a specimen of footballing finesse. You see, something today’s pampered princes can’t get their bread loaf around is that football is a yearlong profession for manly men. The day the last fixture ends is when the next season begins! In the two month break, yours truly would put the nose to the millstone in preparation. First – six gruelling weeks at the seaside. Bracing North Sea air – good for the chops. Cut down to two packs of ‘baccy a day to clear out the whooping. Replace battered sausage with a healthier alternative – battered cod. And finally… the most important advice for your local side – no physical relations with the wife! A younger lass is far better for the cardio. Fitness!
　
Hey Stan,
I just moved into my first home alone. It’s a very small condo and I want to get an animal for company – what do you think – a budgie or a goldfish?
Andrew, Toronto, ON
　
Steady on Andrew, do I look like a cocker spaniel? "Hey" is for horses - and Belgians. Back to your query my informal lonely heart. Now… are you talking about a pet or a meal? A fish belongs in one of two places – The 7 Seas or battered (see above) next to a helping of chips and a pile of mushy peas. And a bird? Are you a pirate Andrew? Your typistry skills lead me to think you are hook-less – so no. Budgies though. I played with South African striker John "Budgie" Byrne at Crystal Palace. Useless he was, left foot like a pirate’s hook. Plumage was naff as well. Still, Selhurst Park was very close to Gatwick Aeroport and "Budgie" knew a few trolley dollys from South African Airways. Talk about your birds with plumage. Side note – don’t mention the "very small condo" to the ladies or you’ll be lonely for a stretch. Glad that’s sorted!
　
Hi Stan,
A pretty simple question for you… What tops your bucket list?
Karen – Stoney Creek. ON
　
First of all lass, sorry to hear about the state of your local waterway. Sounds treacherous. To your right good question – top of my bucket list. Old Stan is a man who likes stability; being able to grab hold of things with ease; getting the most out of things. So with that… a nice corrugated iron bucket with my initials engraved on the side. Since a boy I have always coveted the "Admiral" model bucket from Micklewaite & Son Bucketry and Ironmongery in Northampton. That my dear is a top shelf pail. Oh, how I’d love to own one of those before I die. You should look into one what with your stoney creek issue lass! All my love – why not send me a picture?
　
Have a problem, question or comment for Stan? Send him an email at theyorkies1812@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue

THE STARTING 11: Ways the U.S. Election would have differed if TFC ran for President

Say what you like about the politics of our neighbours to the south but every four years the world pays close attention to their Presidential election. As Americans choose between two wealthy candidates who come closest to their "values", the rest of the world sits in hope that the less crazy guy ends up in charge of the world's biggest nuclear arsenal. Ugh, Arsenal. As the campaign climaxed last Tuesday we couldn't help but wonder how the election would be different if a candidate who exuded successful leadership, brilliant vision for a prosperous future and dedication to financial equity for all were involved. Then that got boring and we wondered what it would be like if Toronto FC could run for office....
　
11. Instead of the lengthy Primary process, a former German Chancellor is paid $1,000,000 to choose the next President.
　
10. Andrew Wiedeman named "Secretary of the Modern Era"
　
9. Campaign promise: "Read my lips - no new strikers!"
　
8. "Tea Party Movement" replaced by "Chip Butty Movement"
　
7. Somehow Jim Brennan ends up as Vice President
　
6. Inauguration parade replaced by series of pub crawls
　
5. Section 112 & 113 at BMO Field considered "swing sections"
　
4. Inspirational "Yes We Can" replaced by "No You Cann't"
　
3. Taxes rolled back to 1776 levels
　
2. Immediately sever diplomatic ties with The Netherlands
　
1. Rebuilding plan met with chant of "5 More Years! 5 More Years!"

Get Fit met Koef!

"Lesh get fishical!"



If there is one overarching theme to this site - it is high-intensity physical fitness. We are practically aware addicted to "healthy body - healthy mind" here at The Yorkies. Sadly, the long, dark winter months of the TFC off-season aren't always conducive to calisthenics and regimented diet plans so we seek extra motivation. Alas, we look to our heroes in Red - those specimens of success - The Eff Cee's, for that ultimate push.
　
Looking at the TFC squad, there is only one man whose dedication to fitness and tremendous physique is worthy of such adulation. Sadly, Adrian Cann wasn't available and the only guy staying in town is Danny Koevermans. The "burly" Dutchman often arrives to preseason in conditions described as "here" or "sort of winded". With such a great scoring touch, his tight shirts are usually ignored until he regains fitness in July but coming off an injury and with such excuses an emphasis on last year's team fitness - this winter will be different. In Koef's own words "I will train everyday - except on weekends"... we like that kind of fire.
　
Luckily for fitness aficionados, "Koef" actually had a popular fitness series back when he was playing in The Netherlands. "Tweeëntwintig Minuten Koefuit" (22 Minute Koef-Out) was Holland's twenty-eighth most popular fitness video and pamphlet series and is still just as valuable today! With this easy to follow plan, you too can be "a bit less hefty" by Spring! (Translated from original Dutch)
　
HET WERK UIT (The workout)
- Rekken / Mengen pannekoekbeslag (stretching/ mixing pancake batter) 1 min
- Raak je klompen (Touch your clogs) 1 min
- Rookpauze (Smoke break) 2 mins
- Springen Johans (Jumping Jacks) 1 min
- Pannenkoek tijd (Pancake time) 4 min
- Gewichtheffen hazelnootpasta (Powerlifting giant Nutella jars) 1 min
- Kolonisten van Catan (Settlers of Catan) 10 mins
- Afkoelen / grap oproep Nick Soolsma (Cool down/ Prank call Nick Soolsma) 2 mins
　
EET DEZE! (What to eat)
- Groene groenten (Green vegetables)
- Romig Gouda saus voor groenten (Creamy cheese sauce for vegetables)
- 8 glazen water (8 glasses of water)
- 9 glazen chocolademelk (9 chocolate milks)
- Appels (Apples)
- Taart (Pie)
- Appeltaart (Apple pie)
- Fanta (Fanta)
- Noten (Nuts)
- Nutella (Nutella)
- Mayonaise ("Everything Sauce")
- Zeven dagelijkse porties van pannenkoek (7 daily servings of pancake)
- Volg met een gezonde lunch, diner en snacks (Follow with a balanced lunch, dinner and snack)
- Roken (A smoke)
　
"Vergeet niet, gezond is een 22/5 baan!"
("Being healthy is a 22 minute, 5 day a week job!")

"The Gents" with Stan Bentley - "Huzzah for seeking out Old Stan"

With Toronto FC well into their annual boycott of the MLS playoffs, fans of the club get a chance to take a breather and evaluate where their lives are after a long season. Of course in our stressful "modern era" things can sometimes get on top of us and we seek a wise voice to listen to. Many of you lean on friends and family in these times of need but what about those moments when you need someone outside of your inner circle?
　
Forget doctors, clergy or do-gooders - there is no more trusted a figure whom to seek advice from than a 1950's journeyman English footballer. Those of you who have visited The Yorkies for a while will remember our advice column "The Gents", where your questions and problems were answered by the lower divisions' mid-century midfield maestro Stan Bentley. Sadly, the column stopped abruptly before the 2012 TFC season as Stan informed all of a need to travel to "Rhodesia" under a cloud of possible offspring, eggy canines and Barnsley FC.
　
We thought "Old Stan" was lost to the White Nile and the sands of time... until we received the following telegram via autogyro with a Rhodesian postmark yesterday...
　
Dearest Commonwealth Colonials STOP

Huzzah for seeking out Old Stan Bentley STOP

Currently on steam locomotive traversing the Belgian Congo STOP

Had to leave Rhodesia sharpish STOP

There was this young lady's father you see STOP

Due to arrive in the Port of Alexandria in 4/8ths of a fort-night STOP

Alighting on steamship "Arabian Waterdonkey" STOP

Just saw a camel out the window STOP

One hump or two? Know what Old Stan would do STOP

Marvellous creatures STOP

Will return to Old Blighty via Folkestone STOP

Shall reply to all of your peccadilloes then STOP

Are Coventry City still top of the league? STOP

Yours gentlemanly, Stan Bentley STOP
　
So there we have it, the return of "The Gents with Stan Bentley" is imminent as are sagely answers to all of your problems, questions and comments whether they be general, personal or Toronto FC related. Send your questions for Stan in an email via theyorkies1812@gmail.com or simply leave a message in the comments section below and it may be featured in a future issue.
　
New to Stan's brand of gentlemanly advice? Just click on this "The Gents with Stan Bentley" link to revel in last year's wisdom.

THE STARTING 11: Other bombshells from last week's Aron Winter interview

Long-time Cochrane target



After emerging from underneath a bus, Aron Winter last week decided to speak out against his detractors within the current TFC management in a blunt interview with Sportsnet. Firing a few broadsides and throwing down a few gauntlets towards Paul Mariner and Earl Cochrane, the usually serene Dutchman said his piece. However, as we know from his time as TFC manager, Winter has the tendency to be a bit wordy in interviews and not all of his spectacular claims made it into this interview...
　
11. After losing his job at Toronto FC, he spent hours wandering aimlessly around Ajax, Ontario
　
10. Despite popular belief, Miguel Aceval had been scouted thoroughly in the Chilean Federal Prison SuperLiga before joining TFC
　
9. Bob de Klerk is a massive fraud... He's actually 1/8th Belgian!!!
　
8. Javier Martina was a mole for the Dutch Secret Police
　
7. "Eddy Viator is finest defender in the modern era"
　
6. The ban on players wearing flip-flops was simply to avoid Ty Harden being teased by teammates over his sixth toe
　
5. His comments were always being lost in translation: usual post-match "T'is a pity" was actually "That was shitty"
　
4. Earl Cochrane threatened to kidnap and imprison Edgar Davids if Winter didn't resign from position with club
　
3. After being released from TFC, winger Mikael Yourassowsky gave up on his football career to concentrate on his first love - Supervillainry and the construction of giant lasers
　
2. Constantly found Danny Koevermans high on pancake batter in illegal Chinatown-area "Settlers of Catan" dens
　
1. Before leaving BMO Field for the last time he cut off the legs on all of Paul Mariner's trousers

A magnificent seven?

Eckersley, Koevermans, Frings, O'Dea, Hassli, Morgan and Frei (L-R)



Amongst all of the clichés, bluster and grandstanding of Tuesday's TFC post-season presser was a moment of quiet clarity. In the midst of proclaiming that the future was bright and that he was "very good at what he does", Paul Mariner was asked by a local reporter how many "bona fide MLS starters" were currently on the club. The room fell silent as Mariner sat rigid in thought - so much so that those watching online thought the stream had frozen. Then the gruff reply was croaked out... "seven".
　
More than any of the other answers given that day, "seven" seemed to be the one that was the bluntest and also closest to the truth. But how close? We don't dismiss that Paul Mariner truly feels that he currently has seven MLS starters of varying skill levels but come Spring 2013 (barring off-season deals) - who exactly would those seven be? We look at ten current Reds who may be part of Mariner's "Sort of Magnificent Seven" and whether we feel they really are worthy 2013 starters.
　
TERRY DUNFIELD
The club's MVP is no doubt a fan favourite but are his workman's accolades worthy of garnering a starter's spot? No one could dislike Dunfield and his work ethic and heart are admirable but he is simply one in a long line of Toronto-based athletes who rise above the gooey middle. Like Wendel Clark, Jerome "Junk Yard Dog" Williams and Ernie Whitt before him - he is the blue-collar guy to hail while other cities are busy celebrating skill players.
MLS STARTER? No. A good bench player and locker room leader.
　
RICHARD ECKERSLEY
Yes he is still rough around the edges. No he will never be a polished Premier League level defender. However, when he plays in his position (and isn't forced into the centreback role) he can be a very effective MLS wingback. Far more suitable to bombing the ball down the flanks rather than being responsible as a stopper, the main critique against Ecks seems to be how much he earns. That is not his shortcoming but those who signed him.
MLS STARTER? Yes. But... in his position and not at CB.
　
STEFAN FREI
If back at 100% health, which all indications seem to point to, "The Goalblerone" will be first name on the team sheet. While Milos Kocic performed more than admirably in front of a useless defence after Frei's season-ending injury, there are certain intangibles which give the Swiss stopper an advantage in owning the # 1 spot. It is obvious by all accounts that Paul Mariner concurs.
MLS STARTER? Yes. At his best he owns the spot in Toronto.
　
TORSTEN FRINGS
Football legends aren't really a dime-a-dozen around BMO Field so for pedigree alone Torsten Frings will be a starter. If. And ifs are the story here. To be clearer - "if" Torsten Frings wants to return to TFC for one last season (despite the assurances given by management); and "if" he is healthy enough to hold down his midfield general's role for a full season. The German's skills and health have declined rapidly since arriving in Toronto and in many circles it would be seen as acceptable if Frings and TFC cut their losses and planned for separate futures.
MLS STARTER? Yes. Mostly based on reputation and star power.
　
ERIC HASSLI
With a first round draft pick gambled away for Hassli's services - a bigger return was no doubt expected. Unfortunately, through a series of injuries and lack of form, the Frenchman never found his stride in Toronto and ends 2012 as a major question mark. With a DP contract ending, questions about the viability of his future with The Reds are abounding. Even when healthy, his goal scoring numbers have been declining but he is still a handful for opposing defenders. What may extend his stay in Toronto however is a seemingly close bond with the manager.
MLS STARTER? Yes. If he can fit under the salary cap.
　
RYAN JOHNSON
The knock on Ryan Johnson before he arrived in Toronto and one that has regained momentum while in Red is his lack of consistency. Yes, the Jamaican international is a physical specimen who logs valuable minutes but his output is wavering at times. Capable of explosive movement and a deft touch in front of goal, Johnson has the equal ability to disappear for games at a time. Where Johnson was once an outspoken voice for improvement at TFC, he has recently seemed less than interested. This of course, is understandable in the circumstances.
MLS STARTER? No. Good for some starts and depth but not reliable at his price.
　
DANNY KOEVERMANS
If the post season presser was any indication - all future success is dependent on Danny Koevermans' return to action. This seems like a very dangerous proposition. At 34 years of age and coming off of one of the hardest injuries for a footballer to recover from, Koef is a very large question mark. And no, that wasn't a crack about his weight. The big Dutchman will have to put some serious commitment into his off-season re-hab - and that's just to return to running by spring. By the time he finds his goal scoring form it could be June or July. TFC can't afford to plan a season without a consistent striker for the first two or three months.
MLS STARTER? Yes. TFC will wait on their all-time best striker... but at what cost?
　
ASHTONE MORGAN
If there is one player on the TFC roster who fans want to see be great more than any other - it is likely Morgan. The local product is a feel-good story on a feel-bad club. A burgeoning Canadian international and a young man with decent football IQ and glimpses of leadership potential who is seemingly a gem. Which makes us wonder - how will TFC screw this up? While still raw at times and not yet in the calibre of the better MLS wingbacks, Morgan needs the playing time of a starter if he isn't to see his development stunted. Some will argue that having Ryan Johnson as a "no" amongst the seven while Morgan is a "yes" is wrong but TFC has few pieces with as much potential as the Academy grad.
MLS STARTER? Yes. Can shine if central duties are filled properly.
　
DARREN O'DEA
Being tossed onto the deck of the Titanic in mid-sinking was never going to allow O'Dea's talents to shine. The Irishman with much English Championship and international experience was asked to anchor a porous backline while having rotating partners week in and week out. There are few defenders anywhere who could have overcome those odds. What O'Dea did manage to show was vocal leadership and experience on that line and could prove to be a good half of a centreback pairing if Mariner and Cochrane can do as promised and deliver another centreback. Again, the knock from some is his wage packet but if he can prove to be 50% of a solid CB duo - savings should be found elsewhere.
MLS STARTER? Yes. At 25, O'Dea could make this position his and be a future full-time club captain.
　
LUIS SILVA
The rookie seems to have all of the tools necessary to step up into an MLS starter's role... eventually. Should he have been a full-time starter in 2012? Arguably not. On a better club Silva would have been nursed along and allowed to develop into a professional under the tutelage of veterans. In Toronto, he was thrust into the regular starting eleven and expected to lead an attacking midfield which was attacking only in name. After the physical and mental toll of TFC 2012, only time will tell if Silva was helped or hindered by his baptism of fire. Likely a reliable starter soon but would he be asked to play that role anywhere else in MLS today?
MLS STARTER? No. Spot starter and first off the bench yes but if TFC wants to compete, they need someone in the De Rosario or Guevara mold at attacking mid until Silva is fully ready.
　
So, out of the most likely ten, we have chosen who we think are a likely "Bona Fide 7". There are arguments to be had as there are far more questions than answers in our choices. Let us know who you would choose or even if you think there are more or less "MLS starters" currently available.