SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v Columbus... or a taste of things to come?

 They may kick start your heart

Breaking with tradition, there's no rain or a wind that could hospitalize the ill-prepared.  Its sunny, nice breeze, cool.  The weather I expect with football in March.

Toronto has been The Hulk in Champions League, but mild-manner Dr. Bruce Banner in the league.  0-0-2 without signs of fight so far, so can this game be any different?

Predictions were mostly pro-TFC with many 2-1 and a 2-0 with one 1-1 draw called.

Onto the match...

8' - First attempt on goal headed downward by new acquisition Logan "Screech" Emory (look at this and tell me we're off) but the ball goes wide.

11' - Koevermans get good shot on goal from the top of the penalty area that ends up in the hands of Andy Gruenebaum.

13' - Emilio Rentería chases a ball down towards the touch line and momentum takes him over the advertising signage, thus eliminating him from the Rumble. (He was OK)

Quote of the Match

Where are ya from ya I-hole?

~ Brandon claims he was asking if the ref was
from Ohio, but that's not how we heard it.

41' - PENALTY - Olman Vargas gets "taken down" in the box. *cough*bullshit*cough*

42' - Saved by Kocic diving to his right.  Good outcome from a horrendous call.

Half-time Mood : positive and feeling good.

45' - SUB - Soolsma gives way for Silva.  Soolsma had a very solid first 45.

50' - high-level playing from the Robins as Plata plays a ball to Silva whose one touch rolls on to Koevermans foot.  Good stop from the Columbus keeper.

56' - GOAL - deGoo loses possession and the counter attack from Bernardo Anor runs in on goal. "Screech" got the tackle in but had no control of the ball, resting on Anor's path and pops it past Kocic from 7 yds out.

Robins 0, Crue 1

64' - SUB - Avila comes on for Dunfield, who played all over the midfield.

74' - YELLOW - deGoo gets booked for what may be a foul, as a Columbus player collides into him and falls to thr ground like he was knifed.  Meanwhile, the ref chooses to ignore other Robins being pulled and dragged without a thought.

84' - SUB - Burgos comes on for Plata who played a more patient game than in last weeks disaster vs San Jose.

4 minutes of extra time

Full Time: Toronto 0, Columbus 1

Man of the Match : Kocic for the save on the erroneously called penalty

Goat of the Game : none

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5. He was pretty bad.  Yellow cards not given to Columbus players, wrong yellows given to Toronto.  Had Kocic not saved the penalty, he'd have earned a 1.

If points were earned on merit and control, Toronto would've earned all 3 points as Columbus threatened rarely... I might be crazy but Avila runs like an Olympic race walker.  By the time I figured it out he stopped running so next time, watch and tell me I'm crazy... Harden has been playing very well lately.  Though he could be better, you have to think he's playing to keep his job as the starter now that Cann has entered the substitutions bench.  If that's what it takes for solid performances, he should be under threat all season... The capos must have been frustrated as it appeared most people chose to watch the match instead... Soolsma's half-time substitution, Avila's appearance and lacking Lambe today all points to a Wednesday evening in Torreon... This the first time seeing "Screech" at home and he looked fairly comfortable in the back... If the development of the "continental game" involves more diving, I suggest that Canada applies for UEFA tomorrow. I'm still reeling from the poor sportsmanship of Santos, and the antics of Gruenebaum and Anor rolling around after fair collisions reopened the wounds.  Gruenebaum took a collision from his teammate and was probably going to do the rolling around until the teammate told him.  Seriously, toughen up.

Food for thought for next year, if you are going to bring your significant other to a match and there's a delay between GO trains, check to see there isn't a trade show going on at the Direct Energy building that is a magnet for women of all ages.  You WILL be suckered into a trade off.   Learn from my mistakes and plan accordingly (to go stag, if you are stuck).

Kocic 7, Harden 6, Eckersley 6.5, Morgan 6.5, Screech 6, Dunfield 6 [Avila 6], deGoo 6, Soolsma 6.5 [Silva 6], Johnson 6, Plata [Burgos N/A], Koevermans 6

THE MATCHUP: "The New Soft" - Now with 50% more softer!

"Crue don't like us... we don't care"

TORONTO VS. COLUMBUS
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 2PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
The derby we have always referred to as "The New Soft" (opposite of "Old Firm") suddenly seems softer. After single-handedly creating an actual atmosphere out of a league-created "rivalry" (with the "Trillium Cup" as reward), Toronto fans can be forgiven for now feeling less "rivalistic" against Columbus. With Montreal now part of MLS, The Reds have their true rival along with a derby that has real social and geographic roots to give it gravitas. Many in Toronto will still harbour some animosity for Crew with the cross-border chopping of the last few seasons fresh in memory, but really... they are a distant second to our Francophone cousins down the 401. So, Columbus will just have to go back to being xenophobic, "Billy-no-rivals" while we still go through the motions of "caring" about the Trillium Cup.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The New Soft"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Miguel Aceval, Danny Koevermans, Luis Silva
COLUMBUS: Will Hesmer, Chad Marshall, Emilio Renteria
　
THE ODDS:
- Away supporters thinking we still care about them: 3-1
- Crew losing 1/4 of their 1/3 away kit: 10-1
- TFC forgetting where they left The Trillium Cup: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
After being without a shirt sponsor for a period, Columbus managed to acquire Barbasol, maker of men's grooming products, to grace their kit. It wasn't without controversy though, as the shaving cream empire requested that Crew also change their infamous "Three Erotic Construction Workers" logo to match their product. Barbasol wanted the three mens' faces to reflect the stages of facial hair left-to-right from fully bearded to "Barbasol Smooth".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "CLOSE SHAVE FOR SMOOTH REDS"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v Santos Laguna... Or the economics of a miracle!

ahhhhh... much better

At least it isn't raining.  If I can take but one thing away from this match is the distinct lack of precipitation.

Its Champions League, and we're playing a side that 98% had to wikipedia to discover "hey, they look like Celtic/Sporting Lisbon/Yeovil Town". The Mexicelticans come in with plenty of mystery, and none of it good.  Some key players are out with injuries and suspensions, and I'd look them up if I were a journalist... And I'm not about to insult journalists.

Postulating over something nice to say, if there is a miracle team in MLS, its our beloved Robins.  Toronto has done the impossible statistically unlikely on more than one occasion. What's one more go-around on that carousel, eh?  C'mawn your obins!!!


Quote of the Match:

Why so negative?  You should always have a positive outlook!

~ Dom, being cheery in cold stupid weather in a difficult match ahead

Predictions weren't good, 2-0, 3-0, 4-1, 4-0 all for Santos Laguna and one crazy bastard went for 2-0 for the home side.

It was very cold and it made it difficult to want to write.  Forgive the brevity.

9' - In an early free kick attempt, Koevermans slots a low ball past the wall, but easily gobbled up by Oswald Sanchez.

18' - It starts raining.  Stick it up your arse Weather Network...

31 - GOAL - Someone for Laguna Santos did something.  Didn't see it, couldn't see the replay.  Doesn't matter.

Robins 0, Mexicelticans 1

36 - YELLOW - Koevermans gets a booking for, what I can only assume, taking a free kick too early?

38 - GOAL - OMG! Free kick just outside the box and Aceval curls a pretty ball around the wall and past the sprawling Sanchez.

Robins 1, Mexicelticans 1

42 - Pinball in the Laguna Santos end results in the ball cleared off the line by a defender.  Yes, Toronto is for real.

Half-Time mood : Delerious

49 - SUB - Aceval for Maund.  We can only assume it was an injury thing as it appeared that Aceval headed right for the changeroom under the auspices of a trainer.

72 - SUB - Soolsma for Plata.  A tactical switch, as Soolsma received a nice round of applause for his efforts.  You had to see it to believe it.

78 - Eckersley and some Santos player collide over the ball, which Ecks gets the ball, but the Santos player kicks back studs up at Ecks and he goes down.  That player gets a red as he's rolling around like a damn fool.  The ref is waving for first aid WITH THE RED CARD IN HAND LOOKING LIKE HE'S BOOKED HALF THE PITCH!!!  Rather comical.

5 minutes of extra time

Full Time : Toronto 1, Santos Laguna 1

Shortly after the whistle, absolute mayhem breaks loose.  Morgan is holding his head and everyone is running into the middle of the pitch to join the fracas.  Someone else on Santos Laguna gets a straight red.

What a fantastic game.  Seriously.  Just brilliant.  The tragedy was Toronto DESERVED a 3-1 victory.

Man of the Match : Reggie Lambe.  He went after everyone, he beat defenders, distributed the ball, had a few attempts and played hard.  Honourable mentions to Dunfield and Soolsma.

Goat of the Game : (Ty Harden [delete this name from template if it isn't him]) Toronto played exquisitely.  The goats of the game go to the majority of the Laguna Santos side who did the whole dive-roll around manouver.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5.  The ref didn't fall for Laguna Santos diving shenanigans but he could've handed out a few more yellows, if nothing more than for unsportsmanslike conduct.

Wow.  Seriously, wow.  I am convinced that last season, we had a fake Soolsma and this season, the real identical twin Soolsma replaced him.  He turned defenders inside out all night.  It's like Laguna Santos only watched OLD tapes of him... Maund.  Wow.  I get why Winter has been "throwing him to the wolves" in some situations as he takes on attackers without fear... Koevermans was actually running back to go at the defenders with the ball... seriously, screw you weather network... There is something to be said with the south end is in full voice all on the same page, watching and reacting to the game.  It's brilliant... I can't say enough about the side tonight.  They looked amazing and I could easily write a line about each of them and a line for Winter's ability to get them up for the match after the humiliation on Saturday.

Dear TFC Marketing people,

Please exploit every visit from a team in the champions league by offering a commemorative scarf that's half TFC, half the opposition with the date and competition.  If you made one for every game TFC has participated in in the Champions League, I'd own 8 different scarves, much to my girlfriend's disappointment and at $20 a pop, that's $160 by my math.

Something to think about.
Yours in footie,

The Yorkies

Kocic 7, Eckersley 7.5, Harden 9.5 (which is like a 7 really), Aceval 7 [Maund 7.5], Morgan 7.5, Lambe 8.5, deGoo 7.5, Dunfield 8, Soolsma 7.5 [Plata 7], Koevermans 7,  Johnson 7

THE MATCHUP: Creatures from the Santos Laguna

"The seas were rough in Sanders' Lagoon"

TORONTO VS. SANTOS LAGUNA

CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SEMIFINAL - 1ST LEG
　
BMO FIELD - WEDNESDAY 8PM ET
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Many said we'd never make it out of The NutCan. They said the same thing about the CCL preliminary. The Group Stage was no hope with the likes of PUMAS and FC Dallas. Then, two legs against "American Super Club" LA Galaxy? Not a chance in Beckham's manties. But, here we are, with history already made as the most successful Canadian team in continental play, ready for the next "impossible" hurdle. Can the miracles continue? A very good Santos Laguna side stand in the way of the CCL Finals and will aim to do to TFC what they did to Seattle. Aron Winter will have to pull the tactical rabbit from the hat twice and while it will likely be TFC's toughest two-match series ever - ask Los Angeles about looking past The Reds.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Biggest Match Ever III: Journey to Sanders' Lagoon"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans, Nick Soolsma
SANTOS LAGUNA: Herculez Gomez, Juan Pablo Rodriguez, Oswaldo Sanchez
　
THE ODDS:
- North American media already planning Santos Laguna's parade route: 5-1
- Drunken Glasgow Rangers supporters confusing Santos with their hoop-wearing cousins Celtic - confusing Mexicans with sectarian chants: 10-1
- Media interviewing Bob de Klerk just to hear him say "Shantosh Lugoona" : 40-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Mexican power club Santos Laguna were born of humble beginnings - inadvertently founded in 1977 by Hamish Sanders, a Glaswegian who was trying to open Torreon, Mexico's first Kentucky Fried Chicken store. Sanders (no relation to the Colonel) had just plugged in the deep fat fryer when his entire shop started sinking into a previously uncharted marsh land. His fast food dream was shattered but before he departed Mexico for good, he left local children a few old Celtic kits and a congealed ball of potato salad to kick around. The escaped chicken fat solidified the marsh over the years and the Hoops-wearing locals formed a club named after the area known as "Sanders' Lagoon" or "Santos Laguna" in the local dialect.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS FEELING BLUE VS. LAGUNA"

THE STARTING 11: Adjusted Toronto FC 2012 promotional slogans

"This guy was a thing, wasn't he?"



With a number of season tickets still unsold, Toronto FC's bean-counters can't be happy with the sudden sputter of the 2012 season. After the highs of The Reds' CCL exploits, things looked very bright for "SIXual Healing" but a pair of major injuries coinciding with a pair of shambolic fixtures to open the MLS season has tempered emotions. Suddenly, Toronto fans are wringing their hands with fear that 2012 may turn out to be as difficult to watch as... well... every year since 2007. Is it premature to be so concerned? Maybe - but it won't stop the promotions people from trying out some new ways to market a suddenly cooler product...
　
11. "Come see some guys almost named after foods!"
　
10. "Adrian Cann is nearly back... ladies?"
　
9. "Forget that spa day - frozen bracing winds and torrential rains will do wonders for your complexion"
　
8. "It's still better than that Preki.... right?"
　
7. "What part of "re-building" don't you understand? Duh."
　
6. "Next 10 callers win a date with Terry Dunfield!"
　
5. "Check out our wacky new 10-0-1" formation!"
　
4. "We're not like the Maple Leafs at all... we have red uniforms"
　
3. "Renew your passionate hatred of Chivas USA"
　
2. "Remember Dichio? That was something wasn't it?"
　
1. "We'll be better in approximately 4-6 weeks"

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. San Jose... or at least these injuries have suitable replacements

The [bad] Cheesequakes logo has been retired in favour of this NASL rehash.

Canada right?  Cold?  Wintery?

That's bullsh-t.  It's broken 20 C every day for the last 9 days.  Today's forecast, cold, rain and misery.  And talking about the weather is typically clichéd, but in football terms, it's important.  Not for the players but for the supporters of course.

On the off chance that this blog is your only source for Toronto FC news [pause for 8 minutes of laughter], here's what you've missed out on.  Frings has a 4-6 week ouchie as he didn't take the string off of his ham when he was cooking it and ate it.  Yeah.  Frei has a 8-10 week leg ouchie.  So I don't know the medical terms.  I'm a graphic designer and a match reporter.  Barely.  Unlike the 8 or 9 defender injuries we've had/we have, in this case there are suitable replacements.  deGoo will have to revert back to the pre-Frings days, which isn't all that bad but we can all agree they play better together.  Kocic will get to play superman in goal.  Not so bad, right?

And San Jose is a bunch of dummy faces for not knowing what to do with Attakora.  He's a quality young lad.  What the hell?  Felt like I needed to say something.

Onto the match!

Quote of the Match :

We have optimism and a $400 scarf

~ denizen of row 13 on the season of SIXual healing

-2' - A row of flares and a low flying bomber screams past us to welcome to the new season.  Then we find out that a bunch of tickets for the game was sold via Groupon.  The golden goose may not have been killed, but it certainly has suffered from some severe blood loss and broken wings.

8' - GOAL - Wondolowski is one of four Earthquakes that's behind the defense and ultimately gets on the end of a Cronin cross to head it past a stranded Kocic.  At least Aceval stayed with his man.

[sarcasm] It's a good thing that Wondolowski is a nobody in this league.  I'd hate to think that a proven pure goal scorer would be left completely unmarked on a corner kick scenario. [/sarcasm]

Robins 0, Earthquakes 1

26' - bit of pinball just outside the Earthquake penalty area ends with Silva sending a half-volley attempt over the bar.

30' - Kocic gives Winter heart palpitations with his bobbling of the ball on the goal line with Wondolowski sniffing for the leftovers.  All cleared, but surely someone needed some oxygen.

32' - Toronto shows a complete fear of the San Jose penalty area by controlling the perimeter and leaving Silva to have a go from 20 yards out.

Half time mood : Retro is in, cuz it feels like Season 3 TFC.

45 - SUB - Dunfield out for Koevermans.  Odd as we thought Dunfield was running the midfield quite well.

56 - GOAL - Chavez gets sent in on the wing and crosses a low ball in front of goal 15 yds out where it can end up with any choice of three or four other Earthquakes and there's only two defenders.  Ball finally settles for Salinas and slots it past an again-stranded Kocic.  Aceval and Morgan were nowhere to be found.  Phil figures Kocic could've done more to come out to challenge.  Thoughts?

Robins 0, Earthquakes 2

64' - SUB - Harden off for Maund.  Speculation is that Winter either needed or found a scapegoat for the defender blunders that have led to the deficit before us.

68 - GOAL - Cronin chips brilliantly to Baca who slides one low across the face of goal to Wondolowski who buries it.

Robins 0, Earthquakes 3

82' - They announce the winner of the 50/50 draw.  The masses in our section begin to file out from the miserable weather, the clearly struggling home side and their own inabilities to win $3700.

85' - SUB - Plata makes way for Soolsma.

87' - Another dissecting of the Robins defense as Wondolowski ends up with a low cross with just a tap in for his hat-trick and he rattles it off the post.  Tragic and undeserving.

Full time : Toronto 0, San Jose 3

Man of the Match : We're gonna go with Reggie Lambe as he was rarely caught out of position and played aggressively.  We were also digging Dunfield's game, but his half-time substitution took him out of contention.

Goat of the Game : (Ty Harden [delete this name from template if it isn't him]) Whoever was co-ordinating the defense needs to be smacked around with a wet towel.  Individual performances were far from perfect but no one individual was worse than others.  Caught out of position more times than a side of professionals that are in the semi-final of a major continental competition should be.  Somewhere there is a Santos Laguna side planning elaborate trick plays and taking bets on how many goals they will score in total in between the fits of giggling at Toronto's back four.

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5.  He wasn't falling for San Jose's whining and diving bullsh-t however he needed to hand out at least a card to Steven Lenhart for being a douche.

Toronto wasn't completely horrible as much as San Jose was very good and Yallop put together a masterstroke.  A neutral watching this match would very much like what San Jose has to offer... Someone pointed out behind us that Steven Lenhart was likely wearing one of these things... Plata is playing like the coach's favourite with his watch-me-I-can-beat-this-guy-then-lose-the-ball tactics far too often.  For this act not to get old, he needs to either beat the defender with a little more regularity or learn to pass sooner... Cronin, wow... I was secretly hoping that Eckersley was going to pound the hell out of Lenhart for his unsportsmanlike behaviour.  Would've been nice to see some justice there. 

Someone needs to explain to the MLSE bean-counters what the actual definition of "attendance" is.  If you're present, then that's counted as attended.  If you bought a ticket and didn't show, you're absent.  Think high school.  There was not 20,000 people there, no matter how bad your eyesight was... man, it was good to see the regulars... Morgan had more than one occasion where he played like he had a player right behind him and made a massive error under no pressure whatsoever.  It was hard to watch has he had been a rock most matches he's had a prominent role.  Relax son, you're doing fine... Johnson did well with his positioning but there were times it felt like he needed to settle every ball for having a go and lost legit opportunities by taking that extra tap...

And though we have been annoyed by capo/flag antics in the past, we are thrilled and wish to extend a hearty congratulations to Bobby Brasz from U-Sector for co-winning the TFC Dream Job competition.  As much as a pretty girl is aesthetically pleasing, someone who cares deeply for the side should and will make for much better television.  Beauty is temporary.  Passion is infectious.  All the best and thumbs up to MLSE for at least getting one decision correct. :)

Kocic 6.5,  Morgan 5, Aceval 5, Harden 5.5 [Maund N/A], Eckersley 6, deGoo 6, Dunfield 6.5 [Koevermans 6], Silva 6.5, Plata 5.5 [Soolsma N/A], Johnson 6, Lambe 6.5.

THE MATCHUP: Ready to rumble

Finally, an answer for TFC's defence


TORONTO VS. SAN JOSE
　
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"SIXual Healing" makes its home debut on Saturday as The Reds return to BMO Field for the first time in 2012. Toronto starts its home schedule after an early season that has been a roller coaster of emotion. The incredible highs of the SkyDome spectacular and the following week's elimination of Galaxy from the CCL was tempered heavily after taking a beating last week in Seattle - which also included the injury to club captain Torsten Frings. Being without the team's German talisman for the next 4-6 weeks will be a challenge to TFC who depend on him so heavily and especially to their very porous defensive unit. With Frings' absence, Julian de Guzman will get a chance to disprove his naysayers as the Scarborough native will captain TFC through an important early season period which sees the club play 5 matches in 14 days starting with the tricky Earthquakes.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "The Yallop to Victory"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO: Miguel Aceval, Julian de Guzman, Danny Koevermans
SAN JOSE: Simon Dawkins, Steven Lenhart, Chris Wondolowski
　
THE ODDS:
- After two weeks of flawless summer weather, BMO Field to turn into a freezing, monsoon-like environment right around 12:58 PM: EVENS
- Ex-Reds Alan Gordon and Sam Cronin both scoring hat-tricks: 10-1
- Aron Winter's defensive high line getting far too aggressive - ending up in the Food Building: 25-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Much like the CCL or the Voyageurs Cup, San Jose play in a separate cup competition of international clubs who have chosen names that (for some reason) represent horrifying natural calamities. It wasn't a great year for The Quakes as the final 2011 table for the "EXXON Natural Disaster Superliga" shows:
　
1. Atletico Mudslide - 30
2. Famine Wanderers - 26
3. Grasshopper-Pestilence - 25
4. Eintracht Flooding - 20
5. FC Influenza Pandemico - 17
6. San Jose Earthquakes - 12
7. FC Red Bull Drought - 8
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS FANS QUAKE AS TFC DEFENCE BECOMES FAULT-LINE"

Know your Toronto FC 2012 – The A-ceval to D-icoy Guide

Hey handsome... where you been hidin'?



"SIXual Healing" is about to touchdown at BMO Field and with a host of new faces and you need a program! While nowhere near as erotic as a "SIXual Healing" program should be (this is a family website... sort of) we bring you all of the must-know info on your 2012 Reds. Print it up and bring it with you to BMO Field... unless you want to be that person saying "Is that Screech from Saved by the Bell wearing # 2?" Before you put on that commemorative scarf it's time to learn your "Ginga Ninjas" from your "Shrewsbury Squareballers". Ladies and Gentleman, Butty-lovers of all ages.... your 2012 Toronto Eff Cees...
　
# 3 MIGUEL ACEVAL - D
COUNTRY: Chile
NICKNAME: "Ace"
HOBBIES: Visiting Chile. feeling chilly, eating chili
PREDICTION: Exhausting all Chile, chilly, chili puns by May
　
# 8 ERIC AVILA - M
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Eric The Red"
HOBBIES: Being hip, being confused with Luis Silva
PREDICTION: Gritting teeth into a smile as Silva improves
　
# 33 EFRAIN BURGOS JR. - M
COUNTRY: El Salvador
NICKNAME: "Jr. CheeseBurgos"
HOBBIES: Procuring work permits, being patient
PREDICTION: Being the final piece of the Lambe Burgos & Frings on a Silva Plata Pun-tagon
　
# 12 ADRIAN CANN - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Zoocannder", "The Six-Pack Messiah"
HOBBIES: Rehabbing, gasoline fights, drinking Orange Mocha Frappuccinos
PREDICTION: Looking really, really good on backline
　
# 16 OSCAR CORDON
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Bleu"
HOBBIES: Looking youthful, being curly
PREDICTION: Getting ID'd every time TFC goes out
　
# 6 JULIAN DE GUZMAN - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "JDG","D-Goo"
HOBBIES: Drivin' Lambos, tamin' fro's, talkin' bro's
PREDICTION: In a constant state of justification
　
# 23 TERRY DUNFIELD - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Shrewsbury Squareballer"
HOBBIES: Appearing cheerful, eating quite a few of the pies, passing back to the keeper
PREDICTION: Taking shirt off on TV again - distorting white balance on TSN cameras
　
# 27 RICHARD ECKERSLEY - D
COUNTRY: England
NICKNAME: "Ecks", "Ginga Ninja"
HOBBIES: Getting cautioned, getting yellow cards, getting red cards
PREDICTION: Always about to smack opponent in the mouth
　
# 2 LOGAN EMORY - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "The Board", "Idaho Hustler"
HOBBIES: Angering Orlando City, not attending "Saved by the Bell" conventions
PREDICTION: Telling locals that "no, he is NOT Screech"
　
# 24 STEFAN FREI - GK
COUNTRY: Switzerland
NICKNAME: "The Goalblerone"
HOBBIES: Wearing Swiss cheese yellow kits, battling for his job, pretending to be happy for Milos Kocic
PREDICTION: Wondering what happened to all that talk about leaving for Europe
　
# 22 TORSTEN FRINGS - M
COUNTRY: Germany
NICKNAME: "Field Marshal Frings", "Das Kapitan"
HOBBIES: Running midfield, running defence, ruining hamstring
PREDICTION: Being asked to do absolutely everything
　
# 20 TY HARDEN - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "The Spork", "Try Harder"
HOBBIES: Taking blame, being defended because he "seems nice", not looking bothered
PREDICTION: Being 2012's lightning rod
　
# 4 DONEIL HENRY - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Oh!", "Hank"
HOBBIES: Biding time, completing puberty
PREDICTION: Wondering how he can't crack that back four
　
# 9 RYAN JOHNSON - F
COUNTRY: Jamaica
NICKNAME: "RJ9", "Da CONCACAF Killah"
HOBBIES: Sounding vaguely Jamaican, scoring in CCL for fun
PREDICTION: Making San Jose supporters say "WTF?"
　
# 30 MILOS KOCIC - GK
COUNTRY: Serbia
NICKNAME: "The Cobra", "Milko"
HOBBIES: Rocking the hot pink, battling for his job, pretending to be happy for Stefan Frei
PREDICTION: Getting image of Robbie Keane save tattooed on chest
　
# 14 DANNY KOEVERMANS - F
COUNTRY: Netherlands
NICKNAME: Koef
HOBBIES: Shaving head, admonishing social media, playing "Settlers of Catan" with Dutch nerds
PREDICTION: Finally replacing "The Dichio Song"
　
# 19 REGGIE LAMBE - M
COUNTRY: Bermuda
NICKNAME: "The Shank", "The Triangle Kid"
HOBBIES: Tweeting, self-promoting, providing sheep puns
PREDICTION: Trying to avoid becoming Rohan Ricketts 2.0
　
# 13 KEITH MAKUBUYA - F
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: Anything except "BooYah", "Kuby Keith"
HOBBIES: Correcting mispronunciations, getting lost in the shuffle
PREDICTION: Letting people pronounce it as "booyah" if it means he gets to crack the line-up
　
# 21 AARON MAUND - D
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Maundsta", "A-Maund Joy"
HOBBIES: Baptisms by fire, getting thrown in things at the deep end
PREDICTION: Having a big chance at grabbing a starting job
　
# 5 ASHTONE MORGAN - D
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Tone", "Future Captain Morgan"
HOBBIES: Making investments in youth look good, being poised beyond years
PREDICTION: Carrying a heavy responsibility
　
# 7 JOAO PLATA - F
COUNTRY: Ecuador
NICKNAME: "Platita", "El MosQuito", one half of "The Silva Plata"
HOBBIES: Being adorable, spontaneous Latin dance, star of Ecuadorian TV's "Webster"
PREDICTION: Having a much harder time of things this year
　
# 11 LUIS SILVA - M
COUNTRY: USA
NICKNAME: "Silva Bullet", "other half of "The Silva Plata"
HOBBIES: Becoming an instant hero
PREDICTION: Trying to live up to instant hero status
　
# 18 NICK SOOLSMA - F
COUNTRY: Netherlands
NICKNAME: "Suarez's Dad", "Soolsmeow"
HOBBIES: Improving game, talking about cats, thinking about cats
PREDICTION: Retiring from football - opening a cattery for non-racist feline friends
　
# 15 MATT STINSON - M
COUNTRY: Canada
NICKNAME: "Cowboy"
HOBBIES: Being a young bull in a china shop
PREDICTION: Aiming to be the "fit Terry Dunfield"
　
# 31 DICOY WILLIAMS - D
COUNTRY: Jamaica
NICKNAME: "Decoy", "Dicoy-oh"
HOBBIES: Being a noun, sending out lonely tweets
PREDICTION: Having his return from injury treated like it's the Second Coming

Achtung defence! Field Marshal Frings out of action for 4-6 weeks

Great, now who will do... um... everything?



The news that TFC supporters were dreading came out through the Toronto mist like a miserable German foghorn. Reds' captain, talisman... well, Mr. Everything... Torsten Frings will be out of action for 4-6 weeks with a hamstring injury. With one gut-busting, turf-ridden tackle, The Reds' early season went from one full of optimism and excitement - to a hand wringing, month-and-a-half of hoping that the rag-taggiest bunch of defenders can hold some kind of shape until Das Kapitan returns.
　
The injury of course illuminates the serious deficiency of building a one-man team. While there are a few quality players on Toronto FC, the tactics have been built in a way that without Frings, almost everything else falls apart. Because of the inability to properly bolster the backline and an underperforming central midfield, Aron Winter made Frings "the everyman", responsible for babysitting a porous defence while then trying to orchestrate the engine room. While blaming this for Frings' injury maybe naive, it hurts to see the club's finest ever player hurt on a play that was caused by the centrebacks' inability to hold their line.
　
Of course, this is all hindsight now and The Reds have to prepare for life without Frings for the foreseeable future. Players who have so far been anywhere between mediocre, down to inept, have to step up their game in a very big way. On defence there will be no more babysitter for Ty Harden and Miguel Aceval and the temptation to rush back Adrian Cann may be hard to resist. In the midfield, if there was ever a time for Julian de Guzman to prove his worth - it is now. He must find the way to be the puppet master of the offence and become the link-up between the frantic defence and the jumpy forwards.
　
It is going to be a big ask for the whole squad, now bereft of the man they leaned far too heavily on but perhaps that is the only silver lining. This is the opportunity for many players to show what they are made of and their value to this club. If there is a failure to step up to the challenge, The Reds could already be in a big hole in six weeks’ time.

THE STARTING 11: BMO Field's new Toronto FC player-inspired food stands

"Soolsma promised me it was 'delectable'..."



One of the annual traditions for a select few TFC supporters is the pre-season food-tasting event at BMO Field. A "lucky" few fans go behind the scenes to try the new concessions on offer for the season, which usually include politically correct, offensive to none, "football" food such as " Jerked Toad-in-a-hole-in-a Belgian Waffle Pizzas". For 2012 however, things may have been taken to a whole new level in matchday face-stuffing choices. Why just offer single items when you can open a whole Reds-inspired concession stand?
　
11. "Reggie Lambe Kebabs"
　
10. "Duane D. Rozarioh's Jerk Hut"
　
9. "Terry Dunfield Tastes Your Pie"
　
8. "The Goalblerone" Fine Swiss Chocolates
　
7. "Collin Samuel's Half-Eaten Food Recycling Depot"
　
6. "Miguel Aceval's Frozen Chilly Chile Chili"
　
5. "Is This Cat Food?" by Nick Soolsma
　
4. "Adrian Cann's Really, Really, Good-Looking Protein Shakes"
　
3, "Ty Harden Knocks Over Your Coffee"
　
2. "Herr Frings' Bavarian Pulled Hammy"
　
1. "The Silva Plata"

AFTER 90: Tossed salad and scrambled eggs... they beat us again

"Next caller... schizophrenic football club..."



THE BUZZ:
On a day of big crowds in MLS, The Reds head to CenturyLink Field in Seattle (or whatever it's called this week) to face the Sounders and their famous fanbase. Tonight's matchup in North America's Sasquatch District may very well go to the team who can shake of their Champions League hangover the best. Will Sounders buck themselves up and rebound from their humiliation against Santos Laguna? Can TFC come down from their heady victory over Los Angeles and not think ahead to... er... Santos Laguna? Time to get ready, it's MLS First Kick for Sounders and Toronto FC as "SIXual Healing" starts here!
　
FIRST HALF:
17' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 1 - TORONTO 0
24' - SUB: Aaron Maund on for Torsten Frings
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: Not seeing Ty Harden return for the second
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Torsten Frings and possibly our season limping off the pitch
　
HALFTIME: SEATTLE 1 - TORONTO 0
　
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB - Danny Koevermans for Ty Harden
51' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 2 - TORONTO 0
57' - SUB: Joao Plata on for Eric Avila
62' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson
SEATTLE 2 - TORONTO 1
63'' - GOAL: Seattle - David Estrada
SEATTLE 3 - TORONTO 1
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Johnson's highlight reel screamer
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Dunfield getting burned 50 seconds later to allow Estrada to cap his hat-trick
　
FULL TIME: SEATTLE 3 - TORONTO 1
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 6 / Richard Eckersley 7 / Ty Harden 3.5 (Danny Koevermans 5.5) / Miguel Aceval 5.5 / Logan Emory 6 / Torsten Frings 6.5 (Aaron Maund 5.5) / Terry Dunfield 4.5 / Luis Silva 5.5 / Nick Soolsma 6 / Ryan Johnson 7 / Eric Avila 5 (Joao Plata 5.5)
　
THE YORKIES' TFC PLAYER OF THE MATCH: Richard Eckersley
　
THE MOOD:
It's likely too early to overreact but boy, didn't that feel like any of the last five seasons? The Reds seemed to be able to hold their own against Sounders and their engaged crowd but the calamitous opening goal that featured Ty Harden literally get spun around (knocking over Eckersley in the process), Terry Dunfield flap on the ground like an earthbound trout and the rest of the team watch like yokels while Milos Kocic was left exposed, sucked the mojo (not Mo Johnston) out of the team. Really, it was very, very downhill from there.
　
Of course, the real horror show tonight was watching Torsten Frings get injured and rapidly remove himself from the match. A man of his ilk and quality doesn't asked to be taken off for a little knock and the chances of a layoff for TFC's talisman seems likely. This of course highlights the danger of making Frings the "everyman". Through inability to address the terrible centreback situation, Frings has had to be everything to everyone and may have now broken down on a play where one of the world's best midfielders was the last man on defence. A painful loss, that may mean a painful season depending on medical test results.

THE MATCHUP: Smells Like SIXual Healing

That's the last time Nick Soolsma picks our photos...

SEATTLE VS. TORONTO
　
CENTURYLINK FIELD - SATURDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE---- RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Even though this official season opener may seem slightly anti-cliamctic after Wednesday's massive win in Los Angeles, this is where 2012 starts for realsies. SIXual Healing is under way as TFC opens its sixth MLS season away to Sounders. It's an intriguing opening match for both clubs as they will be equally fatigued after midweek CCL battles but with very different outcomes. Will Seattle bounce back from their Mexican humiliation? Will The Reds be grounded after their high against Galaxy? Aron Winter needs to balance emotions and stamina as he tries to get his squad off to a good start in a stadium where they have rarely looked anything but grungy.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME: "A Tale of Two CCL's"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
SEATTLE: Alvaro Fernandez, Fredy Montero, Mauro Rosales
TORONTO: Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson, Danny Koevermans
　
THE ODDS:
- Recently retired ex-Sounders keeper Kasey Keller sitting in rocking chair at field level handing out Werther's Originals: 3-1
- 4 out of 5 opticians not recommending Seattle's third kit: 5-1
- "Spoonman" protesting TFC's release of Geovanny "The Spoon" Caicedo outside of the stadium: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
The Pacific Northwest metropolis of Seattle is still home to more than 500 people who can trace their bloodline to the city's founding fathers. First settled in the early 1970's by the Henderson family - a travelling group of Sasquatch psychiatrists - the early village was name "Seeya Tootly" which is a local native term for "forest ape drinking expensive coffee". Since those humble beginnings, the area has blossomed into a thriving city with leading industries that manufacture some of America's finest lumberjack shirts, angst-filled lyrics, seahawks, tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE'VE BEEN PATIENT, AND VIVACIOUS... SEASON SIX NOW - ENTERTAIN US!"
　
And while it's not quite Marvin Gaye, please enjoy Seattle's own with the next best soul star we could afford....

"No one likes us, we shouldn't care"

Definitely not the Home Depot Center



While The Reds are a far cry from the South London ruckus that is Millwall FC, you could forgive TFC supporters from mistaking BMO Field for The New Den today. Amidst the euphoric din from the triumphant but still bewildered Toronto fans, emerged a narrative from the rest of North America that was somewhat sobering - no one really cares about Toronto FC all that much.
　
Leading up to the match, and most likely until the final whistle, the majority of this continent's media and fans (outside of Toronto) had already written off TFC's chances. Most barely gave The Reds the credit to even provide Davy Knickers & The Boyz a real challenge. When the match ended and turned predictions on their heads, some naysayers were willing to eat crow but mostly with the caveat that poor Galaxy were "so fatigued". Those insights were oft followed with polite pats on the head for the plucky Canucks with platitudes laced with adjectives like "unfashionable", "perennial underdogs" and "underachievers". Back-handed at best.
　
While there will always be a certain sect of the American football fan who will never be comfortable with Canadian clubs in MLS, was it naive to think that last night's famous win could afford the Torontos some cross-border affection? When Real Salt Lake made its run to the CONCACAF Champions League final there was a league-wide love-in that put rivalries to one side and pushed a #MLS4RSL online campaign. However, if early public reaction is anything to go by, a similar #MLS4TFC campaign doesn't look like it would get much traction past the 905 area code, let alone south of the border.
　
For Toronto sports fans, not getting the love from "Canada's shirt" is nothing new - just ask the Blue Jays and Raptors (not that they deserve love). However, TFC probably won't generate much hate from the USA - more likely just apathy. Instead, most of the vitriol and bad tidings in our quest for CCL success will emanate from within our nation. A #CSA4TFC campaign is maybe less likely than the MLS variety. Our dirty hippie cousins at BC Place are still smarting (and telling anyone who will listen) how they should have won the Voyageur's Cup in 2011 and that TFC's run is a sham. Do not expect much in the way of solidarity from the Rockies. Meanwhile our age-old rivals down the 401 would probably rather give up their strip-club memberships than see TFC beat the same Mexican club that gave them one of their all-time worst humiliations. Add the usual Toronto-hate from the rest of the country and The Reds are truly an island.
　
Basically, Toronto FC aren't the high-flying fashionable club that neutrals want to bandwagon on. In English football parlance, we aren't Chelsea or Arsenal - neither nouveau riche nor aristocratic. Instead, we are more in tune with a Newcastle (in Toon?) or Leeds. Big clubs that have made stupid mistakes but have rabid, die-hard supporters who stick by them even if everyone else thinks they are a bit delusional. When success does come for those types of fans, it's always that bit sweeter than at the clubs where it comes easily.
　
The bunker mentality can be a good thing - even the players can feed off the "us vs. them" emotion. So really, if you were miffed today that your beloved club wasn't getting the love you feel it deserves... is that so bad? It's always more fun to swim against the stream and wouldn't you rather be "disliked" alongside 47,000 of your closest friends at SkyDome rather than being "fashionable" at the Home Depot Center?

AFTER 90: A Hollywood ending

You can't spell Hollywood without "Soolsma"



THE BUZZ:
A tiny Home Depot Center crowd, an apparently "fatigued" Galaxy playing their first team... again, and a Toronto FC squad who have pulled off the odd cup miracle. Could the Hollywood stars have aligned for The Reds tonight? Not so fast... Los Angeles are still the cream of the MLS crop and TFC needs a top-notch performance to head to the semi-finals where Santos Laguna awaits tonight’s winner.
　
FIRST HALF:
20' - YELLOW CARD: Richard Eckersley
33' - GOAL: Toronto - Ryan Johnson
LOS ANGELES 0 - TORONTO 1
　
FIRST HALF HIGHLIGHT: The absolute smash-and-grab goal
FIRST HALF LOWLIGHT: Watching TFC's very high line tested
　
HALFTIME: LOS ANGELES 0 - TORONTO 1
　
SECOND HALF:
45' - SUB: Terry Dunfield on for Joao Plata
55' - GOAL: Los Angeles - Ty Harden (OG)
LOS ANGELES 1 - TORONTO 1
62' - YELLOW CARD: Miguel Aceval
63' - SUB: Luis Silva on for Julian de Guzman
66' - GOAL: Toronto - Nick Soolsma
LOS ANGELES 1 - TORONTO 2
69' - SUB: Aaron Maund on for Danny Koevermans
90'+ - YELLOW CARD: Torsten Frings
　
SECOND HALF HIGHLIGHT: Nick Soolsma thrilling his cat and TFC supporters alike
SECOND HALF LOWLIGHT: Ty Harden as the catalyst of turtling
　
FULL TIME: LOS ANGELES 1 - TORONTO 2
　
PLAYER RATINGS: Milos Kocic 8 / Richard Eckersley 6.5 / Miguel Aceval 6 / Ty Harden 5 / Ashtone Morgan 6.5 / Torsten Frings 6.5 / Nick Soolsma 7 / Julian de Guzman 5.5 (Luis Silva 6 ) / Joao Plata 6 (Terry Dunfield 5.5 ) / Danny Koevermans 5 (Aaron Maund 6 ) / Ryan Johnson 8
　
THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH: Milos Kocic
　
THE MOOD:
Is "holy crap I'm gonna throw up" a mood? Against all of North America's odds, MLS' perennial underdog, Toronto FC, knocked the league's glamour club out of the Champions League. Workmanlike, unexpected and in the end, gutsy can describe TFC's performance tonight as they ground down a ropey Galaxy with two smash-and-grab goals. They didn't make it easy on themselves, falling into lapses of over-turtling at times and making some curious substitutions, but in hindsight, Aron Winter will look like he tactically outwitted Bruce Arena. Fabulous performances from Milos Kocic, Ryan Johnson and feline-friend Nick Soolsma propel Toronto FC forward as the only MLS club remaining in the Champions League - and making a little Canadian football history to boot. Could have only happened in Hollywood.

THE MATCHUP: Toronto FC tools up for Home Depot decider

90% of the Galaxy crowd arrive for the match

LOS ANGELES VS. TORONTO
CONCACAF CHAMPIONS LEAGE QUARTERFINAL - 2ND LEG
(AGGREGATE 2-2)
　
HOME DEPOT CENTER - WEDNESDAY 10:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE RADIO: THE FAN 590
　
THE KICKABOUT:
The atmosphere in the stands will be night and day from the 1st Leg of this CCL Quarterfinal but the competition on the pitch may very well surpass last week's tilt between Galaxy and TFC. Due to pre-existing restrictions by the neighbouring university campus, the attendance at the Home Depot Center is restricted to 7,500 maximum, taking away some of the advantage for Bruce Arena's team. With the fine weather, great pitch and quiet crowd, this is as close to a neutral site match as Toronto FC could have hoped for. Unfortunately the similarities likely end there.
　
Galaxy has committed themselves to winning the CONCACAF Champions League this year and there is little reason to believe they will rest on their laurels on Wednesday evening. The only technical advantage The Reds have over the talented Galaxy is rest. LA looked spent by the end of their Saturday league match against RSL which saw Bruce Arena play most of the same starting eleven he used last Wednesday. TFC meanwhile come in on seven days rest but regardless, have to play a better game than they did last week in a match where nothing less than a 3-3 draw sees them continue in this competition. There will be no room for more defensive miscues and the offence will likely need to be firing on all cylinders.
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Biggest Game Ever II: The Biggering"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
LOS ANGELES: David Beckham, Edson Buddle, Landon Donovan
TORONTO: Julian de Guzman, Torsten Frings, Ryan Johnson
　
THE ODDS:
- Plot to avenge the Beckham beer can incident failing as LA supporters forced to save distilled water bottle to help wash down prawn sandwiches: 2-1
- Galaxy managing to sign 4 new DP's before match: 8-1
- CONCACAF referees stopping play to get David Beckham's autograph: 10-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
As mentioned above, the tiny match crowd will be due to an agreement to cap attendance on school nights at the neighbouring campus of California State University - Dominguez Hills. (Go Toros!) While it may seem like an archaic policy for a pro club to have to deal with, it's not the first time Galaxy and the university have butted heads. CSU-DG put an end to Mike Magee's 2010 campaign to become Class Treasurer; refused to give accreditation for Landon Donovan's Learning Annex class "Intermediate Pouting and Whinging 101"; as well as banning "Chad Barrett's Charity Panty Raid for Kids Who Don't Read So Good" in spring of last year.
　POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "REDS WITHSTAND HAMMERING AT HOME DEPOT - DONOVAN STILL A TOOL"

Reds board up back with Emory

Emory, emery... whatever. "Board" yet?



With a few roster spots still remaining and with the sudden departure of Geovanny Caicedo creating a (bigger) hole in their defence, Toronto FC have signed American defender Logan Emory. The 24-year old, who has been trialing with TFC this spring, has spent the large chunk of his pro career in the USL with Puerto Rico Islanders where he made 51 appearances.
　
There is promise in the Idaho native who claims that "no one will work harder than him". He bravely passed up the chance at a near certain job with Orlando City in order to roll the dice and join TFC's pre-season camp, burning many a bridge with Orlando in doing so. The mop-topped Emory also endeared himself with grumpy men like us who like proper football shirt numbers by taking # 2 with TFC. Only time will tell where Logan "The Board" Emory fits on The Reds' defensive depth chart but he won't likely be the last new signing before the club's opening MLS match this coming Saturday.

THE STARTING 11: Things Los Angeles fans will throw at Toronto FC players

Would have been a more appropriate brand Toronto

Despite last Wednesday night's crowd at SkyDome creating a banner night for North American football, only one annoying aspect of the evening caught the world media's eye. Instead of 47,000 attending a CONCACAF Champions League match being the story, a foolishly tossed can of beer landing in the general vicinity of the world's most famous footballer grabbed headlines. Pictures of David Beckham giving Alexander Keith's some free advertising beamed around the world the next day and no doubt grabbed the attention of Los Angeles supporters. If the capped attendance at Home Depot Center does try to exact some tossed revenge against our Reds - what can we expect to shower upon The Reds on corners?

　
11. Ruthless fashion critiques
　
10. Their agent's number
　
9. Chad Barrett
　
8. Rolled up Victoria Beckham skinny jeans
　
7. Salmon sashimi... but not good salmon sashimi
　
6. A fully recyclable can of fair trade, carbon-neutral, microbrewed, 100-Mile certified, reforested-barrel-aged, Napa Valley vintage ale
　
5. Bizarre taunts about stealing Rick Moranis from us
　
4. Hurtful giggles about our lack of tan
　
3. A half-eaten Fois Gras Butty
　
2. 100% cashmere streamers
　
1. The deafening roar of 5,000 apathetic Californians

Honey, I Shrunk the Crowd

Know your 2012 MLS Eastern Conference

West may be best for baby (we think that's science) but the East is where it's at yo! That's right, hot off the heels of our highly factual and influential MLS Western Conference preview (see below) we shift focus to the continent's eastern seaboard... as well as Kansas and Houston.

　
Everyone on this continent knows east is a beast! Who needs oceans, mountains, deserts then prairies? Pick a geology and stick with it west. Showboaters. We've got the salty Atlantic, we get snow up the ying-yang, silly accents all up in yo business and just to be dicks we've thrown in The French this year. What!? Eastern Conference... old-skool.
　
CHICAGO FIRE - Toyota Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Frank Klopas/ Bueller... Bueller
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Fire/ The Toyota 3-Point Pick-Up
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Quaker Oats/ Quaker Bratwurst
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Dominic Oduro
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Cameron Frye; Sloane Peterson; Abe Froman - "Sausage King of Chicago"
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contender/ Helping fill the league's smoked meat quota
　
COLUMBUS CREW - Crew Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Robert Warzycha/ Crew Cat
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Crew/ The Croup
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Barbasol/ 3 Men on a Logo Contractors Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Chad Marshall
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Xenophobes; Students who Googled them accidentally for a history project; Construction workers into threesomes
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Out of playoffs/ Searching for the rest of their away kit
　
D.C. UNITED - RFK Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Ben Olsen/ Someone who "gives De Ro the respect he deserves"
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Black & Red/ Washington Wanderers
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: VW / U-Haul
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Hamdi Salihi
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Imaginary cheque signers; Ancient stadia enthusiasts; Fans from other cities waiting for re-location
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Looking for a stadium in D.C., Virginia, Maryland, Orlando
　
HOUSTON DYNAMO - BBVA Compass Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Dominic Kinnear/ An unemployed astronaut
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Orange Crush/ La Fanta
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Greenstar Recycling/ Tang
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Andre Hainault
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Redundant NASA employees; Oscar De La Hoya's right fist; Spray-Tan enthusiasts
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contenders/ Being more orange than Snooki and Garfield combined
　
MONTREAL IMPACT - The Big "O"/ Stade Saputo
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jesse Marsch/ Youppi
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: L'Impact/ Le Fromage
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ TD Bank
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Zarek Valentin
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Anglophones; Francophones; Provolones
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Being rumoured with an aging Italian superstar DP until they sell all their season tickets
　
NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION - Gillette Stadium
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Jay Heaps/ Kraft Group's VP of Apathy
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Revs/ Devolution
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: United Health Care/ United Life Support
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Benny Feilhaber
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Wahlbergs; People who thought it was a big pub; Musketeers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Bottom of league/ Looking at Paul Mariner longingly
　
NEW YORK RED BULLS - Red Bull Arena
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Hans Backe/ Every single available washed up, big-name European manager available
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Red Bulls/ New York Costmost
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Red Bull/ A "new" NY Cosmos ad
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Teemu Tainio
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Caffeine enthusiasts; Austrian-Americans; No one in Manhattan
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Title contender/ Arsenal's parent club
　
PHILADELPHIA UNION - PPL Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Piotr Nowak/ A couple of guys gettin' up to no good
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Zolos/ Carlton Athletic
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: Bimbo/ Will Smith's kids
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Danny Califf
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Uncle Phils; Scared moms; Jazzy Jeffs
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Making trouble in their neighbourhood
　
SPORTING KC - Livestrong Sporting Park
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Peter Vermes/ Someone Portuguese
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: Sporting/ KFC
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: None/ Teal Bunbury's Immigration Services Inc.
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: C.J. Sapong
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Rehabilitated sorcerers; Ex-conjurers; Men behind curtains
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Playoff contenders/ Erasing all references to the word "Wizard"
　
TORONTO FC - BMO Field
MANAGER/ NEXT MANAGER: Aron Winter/ Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink
NICKNAME/ OUR NICKNAME: The Reds/ The Robins
SHIRT SPONSOR/ NEXT SPONSOR: BMO/ Half Bell - Half Rogers
PLAYER WE'D STEAL: Aron Winter and a 20-year time machine
WELL KNOWN SUPPORTERS: Eternal optimists; Addicted pessimists; Butty lovers
EXPERT PREDICTION/ OUR PREDICTION: Wildcard contenders/ Taking fans to the edge of glory... bringing them down to Earth with a thud... repeat

There is no Spoon...

"I'm Neo... who's Geo?"



If only Toronto FC scouts had watched The Matrix on the flight down to Ecuador to watch Geovanny "The Spoon" Caicedo. "Do not try to bend The Spoon — that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth: there is no Spoon" is a famous line from the sci-fi film inspired by Mo Johnston's 5 years of management. Today that line became truth as The Reds announced that the club and their new defender Caicedo had mutually parted ways, taking TFC's bally-hooed off-season defensive depth with him.
　
Caicedo has been publicly expressing his difficulty adapting to the North American game, in particular the crashing and banging style. Strange for a man as hulking as the 6 foot 2 Ecuadorian international. The club hinted at personal issues as well in explanation for a bad loss to squad depth as the season is set to begin. So, as the season begins, the back four's only new face will be the talented Miguel Aceval but the rub is that he will have to be partnered with the limited Ty Harden or a very raw choice between Aaron Maund or Doneil Henry until Adrian Cann is 100% healthy. It seems unlikely that a replacement will be found before the summer transfer window.
　
On top of being a tremendous disappointment to the squad, take a moment to mourn the loss for bloggers today as we have lost a man with such a strange nickname. "The Spoon" immediately gave us a season's worth of puns that are now lost. There will be no "The Spoon dishes to Lambe on a Silva Plata", no "Spoonman" videos and a 70% loss to future Matrix references.
　
Now please bow your heads and join us in losing so many puns...