THE MATCHUP: Catching Fire... (With Bonus STARTING 11 - Yours Free with Purchase!)

Great Lakes fever!

 

CHICAGO VS. TORONTO
TOYOTA PARK - WEDNESDAY 8:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Because TFC are attempting to become a fairly solid club away from home. Fun and weird isn't it?!
- Can the smouldering Jermain Defoe keep his hot streak alive? Can he play a full 90? Are him and Gilberto BFF's 4 Life again?
- Because Chicago and Toronto have some real hard-nosed battles and really should be more heated rivals.
- Can TFC's bench strength produce the same positive football we saw in large parts of the match against New York?
- Deep Dish is excellent.
- Can Gilberto bounce back from injury and get another goal?
- You'll still be hungover from Canada Day - have a better plan?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"Copa Del Grandos Lagos"

THE DUEL:
Mike Magee vs. Jermain Defoe

BONUS!!!

THE STARTING 11: Things that Jermain Defoe said to Gilberto during their free kick scuffle

Strikers are a proud lot. The best ones want the ball at their feet at all times. While that desire to be the big man on campus is a positive for many forwards, it can sometimes create friction with teammates. As TFC supporters watched on with horrific visions of a dressing room meltdown, Jermain Defoe and Gilberto went handbags at each other at Red Bull Arena with Defoe knocking the ball away before walking away swearing in Cockney. Luckily for Gilberto, he scored a screamer and the what-ifs will never need to be worried about but what was said to him by Defoe in the lead-up to that famous goal?

11. "I'm a Big Bloody Deal! You are merely a Fairly Substantial Acquisition!"

10. "Yikes! I just saw a C.H.U.D. under the pitch let me slam its cannibalistic head with the ball!"

9. "This is NO way to treat a former guest of the Much Music Video Awards!"

8. "There is absolutely no way you score here. Mathematical impossibility. Boy are you going to look dumb. It's your life chum."

7. "This is a disgrace! I played for Portsmouth! I command your respect!"

6. "There's a bee on the ball! I'll swat it off for you pal!"

5. "Do you realize how many potential New York WAGS are waiting to watch me take this free kick? So selfish."

4. "Please let me take this. If I score then the Daily Mail will write another article lambasting Roy Hodgson!"

3. "Ok, let's pretend to fight... when they get distracted... blast it!"

2. "This ain't no car commercial Gilberto."

1. "You're lucky I don't bite you."



AFTER 90: Not Necessarily the World Cup

New York takes this seriously!

 

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO

RED BULL ARENA

FIRST HALF:
1' - Well Thierry Henry was at some World Cups. Same goes for Jermain Defoe. Other than that, the return of MLS isn't probably going to look too much like the football we've become accustomed to. It's New Jersey so chances are someone in the crowd got a Brazilian today. So there's that.
7' - The Reds come out aggressive and push for an opening goal. Not allowing The Reds to watch any Greece matches is paying off.
12' - YELLOW CARD: Justin Morrow sacrifices his body to stop a New York counter attack. You watching this Glen Johnson?
18' - The longer this goes without a TFC goal the higher the chance it turns into Iran vs. Argentina.
25' - Who knew? Breaks in play really are made better with random crowd shots of Colombian women in tight kits. You win this one World Cup.
36' - GOAL: New York - It was coming. All possession and no finish for TFC while NYRB take advantage of a brief lapse in defence and get it onto the head of Puguy Luyindula.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0
45' - The Reds start well but go a bit flat after conceding the goal. On the bright side - no one got bitten.

HALFTIME: NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:
47' - TFC sure could use a quick goal to get back into this match. Like that awesome goal that guy scored for Australia. You know that Tim Cahi... awww nuts.
52' - Dominic Oduro with a clear chance at goal but scuffs it. Disappointing. Also disappointing: he didn't choose a Canadian food to replace his pizza haircut.
55' - GOAL: Toronto - Damn! Jermain Defoe scores a stunning redirection off an Oduro low cross. Beautiful all round team effort.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 1
57' - Doneil Henry has his nightly brainfart - luckily his namesake Thierry can't bang home the close free kick that resulted.
64' - SUB: Dominic Oduro OFF / Gilberto ON
65' - A World Cup Brazilian flair with Gilberto on. Except for that goalscoring they are so fond of.
73' - GOAL: Toronto - With a free kick deep in New York territory, Defoe and Gilberto actually start arguing about who will take it. An angry Defoe walks off and all the pressure is on Gilberto... who FINALLY opens his TFC account with a screamer. Great goal and inches away from the TFC dressing room going into crisis mode. Dramatic stuff and impressive confidence. Crow eaten for earlier gag.
NEW YORK 1 - TORONTO 2
'79 - SUB: Jackson OFF / Bradley Orr ON
85' - Jermain Defoe looked very sharp tonight. If only there were a national team he could play for that desperately needed a spark off the bench. Ah well. Toronto's gain.
90' - SUB: Gilberto OFF / Dwayne De Rosario ON
90'+ - GOAL: New York - Bradley Wright-Phillips puts home what every TFC supporter was desperately afraid to see - another late goal. NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2
A shame really as TFC played some decent football, enjoyed some dramatic moments. In sober light, a point away at New York will seem like an achievement but it can't help but feel like a loss at the moment. We feel your pain Ivory Coast. Ok - not that bad.

FULL TIME: NEW YORK 2 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Dominic Oduro 6.5 (Gilberto 6.5) (Dwayne De Rosario N/A) / Jonathan Osorio 5.5 / Collen Warner 6 / Jackson 5.5 (Bradley Orr N/A) / Luke Moore 5 / Jermain Defoe 7
　

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe



THE MATCHUP: World C.H.U.D.

NEW YORK VS. TORONTO
RED BULL ARENA - FRIDAY 8PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- Major League Soccer is BACK! Just as the World Cup heats up. Be one of dozens to return!
- Did the break give Ryan Nelsen the bravery to try out a Moore-Defoe-Gilberto-led 4-3-3?
- Will Tim Cahill return from his wonder goal World Cup in time to strike fear into corner flags?
- Will the C.H.U.D.s of Harrison, New Jersey capture TFC away supporters caught roaming after dark?
- It's one of the few remaining chances to use the TFC excuse "it will be way better when Michael Bradley gets back!"
- Did Gilberto learn any goal scoring tricks from that KIA?
- Swearing at Thierry Henry is cathartic.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Underground World Cup"

THE DUEL:
Thierry Henry vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
The C.H.U.D. - or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller - is a mutated sub-species native to the sewer systems of the New York/New Jersey region and feared for its nocturnal tendencies to capture unsuspecting pedestrians. While they were eradicated from New York City in the mid-80's, a population of them survived under the apocalyptic Harrison, NJ area on a steady diet of rats and jet fumes from Newark Airport.

However, the construction of Red Bull Arena changed everything. With their natural habitat disturbed, C.H.U.D.s adapted to the new stadium above them and grew stronger by digesting the seeping Red Bull Energy Beverage which courses through the arena pipes. Their natural prey is now any away MLS supporter crazy enough to be caught wandering Harrison after a night match. A trail of scarves is often all that remains.

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
JUNE 27, 2006: NY/NJ MetroStars front-office rising star Mo Johnston hears about a new MLS expansion franchise in Toronto, Canada. Madness ensues.
 

C.R.U.D.

VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #BigKnots

Do you find yourself saying "I wish I could put the World Cup AND Toronto FC in a blender, make a smoothie, then pour it right into my ear openings"? There’s a podcast for that!

In this week's episode (AVAILABLE THURSDAY), Mark trades in his Slovak citizenship for a Uruguayan one, Kristin embraces her Albino lineage (Albanian-Latino) while Duncan and Tony use their British citizenships to claim full control over their post-England national team of choice - the British Virgin Islands aka "The Nature Boys". All this plus, Bitchy Blanks, a New York v TFC preview and other "biting" commentary. Get it? Suarez? Topical!

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and set your ears to "yo crazy!!!" FAGUNDEZ!

While you're clicking you really must read our partners in pod Waking The Red. They write actual real, quality TFC stuff with stats and "facts". Nerds. They are linked in our Links section on the right. Lurking.



THE STARTING 11: Odd World Cup injuries

"My face! My beautiful face!"

 

Going home from the World Cup on a plane sucks bad enough. (You made me cry again England) But, going home on a stretcher from the World Cup is about as bad as it gets for these athletes. After training for years for a shot at international football glory, some unfortunate players have to face this injustice. However, not all injuries are of your garden variety breaks, tears and pulls - this version of the World Cup has seen the rise of a variety of new, strange ailments...

11. Ghana Rhea

10. Ripped Brazilian

9. Slipped Diskerud

8. Daley Blindness

7. Broken Down Honda

6. Horizonte Belos

5. Premature Evacuation (Restricted to England camp)

4. Scrote D'Ivoir

3. Pepe-Induced Migraine

2. Spanish Uninfluenca

1. Sepp Bladder

 

THE STARTING 11: Ways that Toronto FC is trying to be more Brazilian

ARRR-GOOOOS!!!

 

Brazil! It's so hot right now! The nation that brought us the nut, flip-flops and modern pubic hair fashion is on everyone's lips. As hosts of the World Cup, this South American giant is under the global spotlight and our local club Toronto FC has noticed. Always an outfit looking to promote the crap out of something, The Reds plan a massive Brazilian makeover to cash in on the samba rhythms. No that's not the sound of wax ripping away from a hairy nether region - it's cash ripping our of wallets when TFC puts these Amazonian plans into fruition!

11. Maicon Santos to replace Jim Brennan in emergency addition to Wall of Honour

10. BMO Field security to unveil new carnival look with armoured thongs and flip-flops now part of uniforms

9. Gilberto to try this "goal-scoring" thing popular in Brazil

8. MLSE to purchase Liberty Village - turn into a favela

7. Andrew Wiedeman to entertain the crowd with giant comedy Ronaldinho teeth

6. "The De Ro... De Ro Cabana!"

5. Bitchy the Hawk replaced by Surly the Seven-Foot Anaconda

4. Joe Bendik roams around crying in a tiny towel

3. Bright Dike forced to drop one of his names

2. Argos to Maracana

1. Tim Leiweke? Smooth all over.



Adopt-A-Cup Minnow 2014

Facepalm!

Way, way back in the olden days of 2010, The Yorkies decided to adopt a World Cup Minnow to become our "Official World Cup Team". After a grueling process of elimination, we adopted the mighty All Whites (still not racist) of New Zealand.

What happened next was nothing short of almost-miraculous. The plucky Kiwis did not lose a match, grabbing three draws including one against mighty Italy. They missed escaping the Group Stage by one measly point. Two years later, the team captain Ryan Nelsen became Toronto FC manager. Mind blown.

Four years on and we are set to join TFC in a weeks long sabbatical of TV football overload. However, before we get a Bro-zilian, put on our Sepp Blatter autographed thong and order in a giant spit of Amazonian meat; we have to once again adopt one of the World Cup Minnows to support and consequently anoint TFC's next manager.

 

We make the future happen



Of the bottom seven FIFA ranked participants in this year's Cup, there are some compelling pros and cons...

GHANA: # 37
- National dish is called "Fufu"!
- Possibly too good to be a minnow. More of a tilapia.
- Get to potentially yell "We've Got Ghana-Rhea!"

IRAN: # 43
- Hilarious Iron Sheik style tweets that call Lionel Messi "the raisinballs"
- Would really piss-off other "Axis of Evil" squads.
- A Vancouver Whitecaps player is on the squad. Ouch.

NIGERIA: # 44
- Not exactly Country of the Year (pick up a newspaper)
- Super Eagles are better than Lazy Harris Hawks.
- Maybe those Nigerian princes will finally wire us that email money!

JAPAN: # 46
- They are from the future.
- Pretty sure at least three of them are robots in disguise.
- They have an Italian manager which means one thing: meatball sushi

CAMEROON: # 56
- Roger Milla as next TFC manager.
- "The Indomitable Lions" is too hard to put into a song.
- They are almost Macaroons which are delicious.

SOUTH KOREA: # 57
- Kick-ass white tiger badge.
- Bulgogi kind of freaks us out.
- Hard to forgive the Hyundai Pony

AUSTRALIA # 61
- After adopting New Zealand last time we'd feel dirty.
- Good excuse to recycle hilarious Crocodile Dundee Halloween costume.
- Country or continent? Pick one you greedy buggers.

AND THE WINNER IS...

 

 

JAPAN!

That's right! We're adopting Japanese; We're adopting Japanese - We really think so! The wee Samurai Blue are The Yorkies Official 2014 Minnow. Being Japan, that minnow will be instantly be prepared on a tiny bed of rice and served to us raw!

Set robots lasers to stun, plug in that old Super Nintendo and grab some Yen for that weird Tokyo vending machine that sells underwear because we are all up in Soccer Nippon Daihyo's hibachi grill! So look out Colombia, Greece and Ivory Coast - Japan has got the Yorkies' bump and the only way is up! Or at least sideways followed by the hiring of Shinji Kagawa as next TFC manager!

Moshi-Moshi!

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC plans during the World Cup

Also available on 8-Track

The most holy of all holy months is but days away. More than any other event on the planet's social calendar, the World Cup is responsible for the most fake sick days, "doctor's appointments" and mini-flag related injuries. Personally I'm thinking of contracting a mystery ailment called a "sepped bladder" to get some time off. One group that doesn't have to lie their way out of employment are your Toronto Eff Cee's. MLS has enforced a break during the opening rounds of the Cup but just how are some of The Reds planning to spend their glorious vacation?

11. DOMINIC ODURO: Shaving minute-by-minute highlights of all Ghana matches into his hair

10. STEVEN CALDWELL: Watching hours of World Cup coverage with family - Instinctively jumping up and flailing arms wildly whenever there is a shot on goal

9. MICHAEL BRADLEY: Choosing which part of his head to open a new massive wound... against Cristiano Ronaldo's delicate face

8. JOE BENDIK: Taking long walks on the beach - kicking pebbles at awkward 45 degree angles

7. BRADLEY ORR: Shopping for new TV after watching England crash out of the tournament... and headbutting old TV

6. JULIO CESAR: Winning the World Cup. Wearing a tiny towel. Crying.

5. DONEIL HENRY: Just having some wholesome, quiet family time... somehow receiving a red card

4. RYAN NELSEN: Watching the tactical masterclass of technical Dutch football... yelling "4-4-2!!!" at the TV screen

3. DWAYNE DE ROSARIO: Trying to buy a Betamax VCR so he can watch Canada World Cup highlights in their only available format

2. JERMAIN DEFOE: Demanding a refund on his Rickie Lambert voodoo doll

1. GILBERTO: Watch amazing goal highlights. Weeping gently.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT: Toronto v San Jose... or I Guess This Is a Bye-Month?

Its a sunny day out at the park. Again. This is the last hurrah until July. No rain. No Wondolowski.  should be good.

Onto the match!

14' - Free kick rolled wide to Defoe who puts a low ball on Busch that he can't quite hold onto, Moore scrambled into the box but finally snapped up

23' - Hagglund takes a high ball, pops and volleys it, forcing a diving save from Busch.  Rebound gets rocketed back in for another stop

25' - PENALTY - Hagglund gets hauled down at the top of the box

26' - GOAL - Defoe buries it left side of goal.
ROBINS 1,  CLASH 0

40' - Moore has a go from the left side that's stopped by Busch but not held.  Recovers enough to snap up the ball.

Half Time Mood : pretty happy all things considered

64' - amidst a flurry of Toronto offence,  San Jose got a shot on goal.  Good for them.

64' - SUB - Jackson off, Oduro debuts, which brings us to the winner of the predcition of the match:

When will Dominic Oduro debut today:
@RedWineRoz 57'
@DuncanDFletcher 65' WINNER!
@theyorkies1812 69'
@kzknowles Kristin 63'
Dom 68'

@ignirtoq 71'

66' - that's two brutal calls from the ref.  Both bookable offences.  One could've been a red and one should have been a second yellow

67' - ensuing free kick from Warner loops it high and Hagglund just gets his head to it and skims the post.

69' - SUB - Sam Cronin comes off for "Hate a Random" target J. J. Koval (for more information, please listen to episode 40 of the Vocal Minority podcast)

78' - SUB - Lovitz is on for Bekker

79' - Dan down! Dan down!  Not a minute into his introduction, Lovitz knocks heads with a San Jose player and now he looks like he's somewhere else.

81' - SUB - Lovitz off for Morrow.  Rough day match minute

83' - YELLOW - Hagglund for a foul

84' - for the game that Toronto has been having, please don't shit the bed over the next 10 mins...

88' - something out of nothing, Moore loops a cross that finds Morrow and his strike forces a save from Busch

5 min of extra time

90+3 - YELLOW - Defoe booked for time wasting tossing a ball over the signage

FULL TIME : TORONTO 1, SAN JOSE 0

Man of the Match : Hagglund was everywhere today.  Fantastic.

Goat of the Game : Bekker wasn't bad, but his impact on the game was practically nil.

Ref Rating : 2 out of 5.  Blew tons of bad calls, missed opportunities for a few reds.  It would be hard for anyone to respect him.  The linesmen were solid and even had one of their correct calls overturned by the ref.

Kit Spotting : Sporting Lisbon and mostly due to the fact that he had a kit to change into after the match.  Kind of amusing.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I would've started Oduro.


If You PVR'd it : then the first 82 minutes are an absolute delight.  You can skip from there until the 94th minute

Contrary to the match report's indication, Toronto dominated control of this match up until the 80th minute.  Bendik had very little to do, short of reapply sunscreen.  Understanding that some of the upper talent was absent, it was refreshing to see Toronto control most of the match.

Jackson was a bit of a terror today. Bit of trickery on the ball but not the kind where you need to see him get punched... There sometimes feels like that there's a rule that states "you must beat a defender before you can shoot or make a pass unless you're Defoe".  I wish more players were willing to pull the trigger sooner... The San Jose keeper looked like he couldn't catch a cold, never mind the ball for much of the game... Danny Koevermans was on the pitch at halftime.  All pancakes aside, we hope he's doing well in his retirement and wish his knee would've held out a little longer... Fun fact: Gilberto was in the starting lineup before the match, but apparently injured himself in warm ups and was replaced by Bekker.  Hope his injury doesn't keep him out long.  His absence was noted with the lack of aggression from Toronto this afternoon. 

Player Ratings : Bendik 6.5, Hagglund 8, Caldwell 6, Henry 6, Bloom 6.5, Jackson 7.5 [Oduro 6], Warner 6.5, Osorio 7, Bekker 6 [Lovitz 10 [Morrow N/A],  Moore 7, Defoe 7

@ignirtoq likes the idea of a month long break as these things are exhausting. But no rest for the wicked as podcasting is still in full swing with The Vocal Minority. You should totally check it out if you like (a) TFC, (b) 80s references and (c) running gags that would make a new person confused or entertained.

It's been a slice! Alvaro Rey delivered to Columbus for quick Dominic Oduro

Hold the anchovies.

 

Every week is MLS Rivalry Week in Toronto FC's front office! Hot off the heels of #inhumanely dealing Issey Nakajima-Farran to The Cheesemakers, The Reds sent another winger in Alvaro Rey to Columbus today. Coming in return from the Ohio Riviera is Ghanaian midfielder and speed merchant Dominic Oduro.

The 28-year-old Oduro makes TFC his sixth MLS home since 2006 which in official statistical analysis is referred to as "puttin' it about" or being "The League Bike". As mentioned above, Oduro's main skill set is his pace which must be attractive to Ryan Nelsen's "tactics" (stop laughing) which relies heavily on quick counter-attacks - mostly channeled towards the center of the pitch. Although Oduro may be pressed into wing service, the departures of Issey and Rey illuminate the lack of interest in natural wingers to Nelsen.

While Oduro has natural skills he has never managed to reach the next level of development in MLS and while useful, has left fans expecting more. While his wages are MLS-high, he is a domestic player due to an American green card which Rey was not. Also - Oduro is one of the FIFA All-Time Top 25 players to play a match with pizza shaved and dyed into his hair. Fact.

Speaking of fan expectations, Alvaro Rey leaves TFC with a few supporters wishing he had done more. The man who never said no to an unnecessary step-over could still carve out a useful MLS career under a system that keeps the ball on the deck but his $200k-plus wage was never of value at TFC. His previous career in the lower depths of the Spanish second tier never seemed like a good platform for this league.

But hey... Pizza Head!
 

"I approve of this message"

THE MATCHUP: The first rumblings...

Manufactured Derby Name?



TORONTO VS. SAN JOSE
BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- It's the last TFC match for 20 days. We don't mean that to sound like a good thing.
- If the football is ugly, do the rumbles of Nelsen discontent in the stands turn into tremors?
- How many ex-Reds who play for SJE can return to hurt TFC?
- Gilberto? You know the question.
- Will Alan Gordon manage to injure TFC's remaining midfielders?
- Does George Best's sexy ghost travel with the Earthquakes?
- Will Ryan Nelsen refer to this match as a "cup final" as well?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The John Tenta Testimonial"

THE DUEL:
Gilberto vs. Steven Lenhart

WHO ARE YA?
Earthquake is solid competition but being from the west coast, we don't see enough Quake action to be honest. So, here is a video montage of our favourite Earthquake highlights...

　
VOCAL MINORITY PODCAST: #Mitsou
Do you find yourself saying "Man, I like this website and its 17% actual football content but man I wish it could be injected right into my headholes!" Well now you can man!

In this week's episode (Available Friday): Mark is back and re-designs Fulham's badge, Kristin still thinks Wiedeman is a thing and the table asks Duncan and Tony to stop talking about Mitsou and do some work. Also - Collin Samuel sure is a fatty!

Just click on the "Vocal Minority Podcast" icon on the right side of this site and get ready for the ride of your hour! And a bit more with the outtakes. FAGUNDEZ!

While you're pressing buttons, be sure to hit the link on the right that says Waking The Red. They are our comrades in podcasting and like to write good articles about stuff that TFC actually do. For some twisted reason. No SANCHEZ!

AFTER 90: Pas de tactique

CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL - 2ND LEG
MONTREAL 1 - TORONTO 0
AGGREGATE 2-1

BLUE.

Just to prove two legs in Quebec isn't always painful...

THE MATCHUP: For all the marble cheddar

MONTREAL VS. TORONTO
CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIP FINAL - 2ND LEG
AGGREGATE 1-1

STADE SAPUTO - WEDNESDAY 7:30PM ET
TV: SPORTSNET ONE

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- It comes down to this. Your Bloody Big Eels or those dastardly Cheesemakers dans la Quebec for the right to be called Canadian Champion. Or Championnat du Canada avec le Bibliotheque. Chances are one of them scores six goals.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The 401 Derby" (NutCan Edition)

IF WE LOSE WE WILL BE THIS:

IF WE WIN WE WILL BE THIS:

THE STARTING 11: Trillium Cup privileges

Take that, Budweiser FA Cup!

We have banged on for years now how the Trillium Cup is a farcical corporate faux trophy. Despite TFC's exciting comeback victory on Saturday, the reward for winning the annual series of matches between Columbus Crew and The Reds is still lame-o. To watch a player like Jermain Defoe look at the local tin-cup and sort of lift it in sort of victory is all a bit cringe. That being said, there are actually a few rarely known perks to winning the cup. No, not money - but these privileges aren't bad...

11. Tim Bezbatchenko is bestowed the title "Archduke of Dayton"

10. TFC gets dibs on the next Higuain offspring

9. Gilberto gets to take credit for the next three Columbus goals

8. Former Crew cheerleaders "The Crewzer Dancers" are re-united for Jermain Defoe's amusement

7. Columbus must hire Jim Brennan as their next manager

6. When detaining Toronto fans in Columbus, Ohio police must stop using tasers in favour of tickling them into submission

5. TFC's captain is invited to light the next ceremonial scoreboard fire at Crew Stadium

4. The fine folks at Crew sponsor Barbasol must travel to Toronto and treat Tim Leiweke to a classic olde timey hot shave... full body

3. The three construction workers on Crew's badge must help build BMO Field's new roof for free

2. Columbus mascot "Crew Cat" must spend a romantic evening making sweet, sweet inter-species love to Bitchy the Hawk

1. Argos to Crew Stadium

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v. Columbus... or ohmYGAWDWHATTAFINISH!!!!

 

Friends, allow me to regale a tale of terrible timing...

Well here's how it started...

15' - I'm bored.  Like super mega bored.  Nothing worth WATCHING has happened.  Well, it's warm and my drink is empty. Concession time has already come.

For the record, I rarely buy anything at the ground, and I NEVER walk away from a match in progress.  Never.  Then apparently this happened...

16' - SUB - Orr is hamstrung and Lovitz is in #hamstrong

17' - GOAL - I never go to the concessions during play.  That figures.  Didn't see it.
ROBINS 0, CRUE 1

20' - PENALTY - So I come back to my seat and I've missed an injury, a substitution, an away goal, and this stupid thing.  All I see is someone down on the ground whinging about something and then a crowd roar of approval.

Never leave your seat.  Ever.

21' - GOAL - Defoe buries it low left side 

ROBINS 1,  CRUE 1

41' - Bekker free kick curls well into the party beer bro tent

Half-Time mood : pre-comatose. It wasn't terrible, but wasn't good TV, I suspect.

65' - GOAL - Viana, bah
ROBINS 1,  CRUE 2

65' - YELLOW - Bendik for bitchin at the ref

65' - SUB - Jackson off for Gilberto

66' - Gilberto has a go and flies over the bar #TakeAShot

71' - SUB - Osorio comes off for DeRo.  

"When will Osorio get injured (or come off)" was our prediction of the game.  The stats went as follows:

@RedWineRoz picked 47th minute
@theyorkies1812 picked 60th minute
@DuncanDFletcher picked 72nd minute
@kzknowles picked 82nd minute
@ignirtoq picked 89th minute

So close Duncan. Kristin for the win.

73' - Bloom takes one in the face and he's down.   He'll continue but damn...

77' - YELLOW - Gilberto is booked for a Columbus player's elaborate rolling around one man play.

80' - YELLOW - Bekker in the books

81' - GOAL - Finally some open play stuff.  Header through over the top, half volley from Defoe and buries it.  No chance for Clark.  Absolute class.
ROBINS 2, CRUE 2

89' - DeRo out muscled and out sized fights off a defender to draw a free kick

90' - GOAL - HOLY S#IT!  From the free kick, Lovitz free finds the head of Henry who buries it. Absolute mayhem ensues.
ROBINS 3, CRUE 2

4 mins of extra time

It's over!  It's over!  Stone Cold!  Stone Cold!  Awmahgawd!  The Robins pull it off!

Full time : TORONTO 3, COLUMBUS 2

Man of the Match : Defoe for being all class.  No, thank you.

Goat of the Game : all of TFC for the first 15 mins.   Borrrrrrrringgggg

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Blew some calls, made up for some later, felt like he wanted to be a part of the Match so badly.

Kit Spotting : SC Braga home wins, but there's a Colo Colo home as an honorable mention

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I would give myself a good face-slapping whenever the team starts any half as uninspired as they tend to do.  Perhaps the next acquisition could be someone who could administer a good smack in the face

If You PVR'd it : start watching around the 15th minute, stop after the 22nd minute, then just fast forward until the 75th minute to give yourself a lovely crescendo to the finish.

What a damn finish.  Seriously, I'm still giddy about it 6 hours after the match.  Historically, Toronto is on the end of some of the most spectacular collapses in league history.  But somehow, against all odds, in the face of a very real tradition, they did it.  And if this is Henry's signature manoeuvre, then please, never change.

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Bloom 6.5, Hagglund 6.5, Henry 6, Morrow 6, Jackson 6.5 [Gilberto 6], Orr N/A [Lovitz 6.5], Bekker 6, Osorio 6.5 [DeRo 6.5], Defoe 8, Moore 7

@ignirtoq wanted to write more, but the shock of such a thrilling finish required that he takes a nap, and nap he did.