THE STARTING 11: TFC Google searches

 "Parade routes... I'm Feeling Lucky"



If there's one thing Toronto FC has always struggled with - it's erasing their history. The front office have been doing their best recently to bloody big deal their way out of the past but even the most well-connected staff needs some research help sometimes. TFC executives are just like us, they put their $3000 trousers on one leg at a time - they also use Google when they need to find an answer. Sometimes they forget to erase that history too...

11. Butty stain remover

10. How do I tell boss his jacket too tight?

9. Tiny hawk clothes

8. Naked Marco Velez pics

7. How many maple leafs on a shirt is too many?

6. Is New Zealand a real place?

5. Giant paint-sucking grass vacuum cost

4. Is Jim Brennan still a thing?

3. Bright or Bee-rite?

2. Nice areas in Columbus?

1. Can you staple someone's head?

AFTER 90: Utah taints

Kyle Beckerman: He knows he's pretty

REAL SALT LAKE - 3

Alvaro Saborio - 11' (PK)

Luis Gil - 28'

Alvaro Saborio - 55'

TORONTO FC - 0

WHAT WE EXPECTED: The toughest test TFC would face so far this season and most likely a difficult loss in a match where The Reds would see little possession.

WHAT WE GOT: Some pretty fuggo stuff. Disjointed, overly-scrappy and tactically lacking. RSL is a quality club but if Toronto FC want to play with the big boys this season they can't trot too many of these out.

THE GOOD:

- Michael Bradley just can't stop. Win, lose or draw that engine keeps going.

- The Bradley to striker laser-passes are still working.

- They don't get pushed around.

THE BAD:

- Slow starts to both halves becoming a theme for TFC this season.

- Defensive composure from first two matches not on show tonight.

- Steven Caldwell's studs-up challenge on Ned Grabavoy could end up costing him further if MLS Head Office reviews it.

- Jermain Defoe came off in the 60th minute holding his leg - possibly hamstring related.

- Out possessed by massive margin and even if you don't rate that stat - did little with the possession they did have.

- The feared depth issues reared their heads in a big way. None of the starting 11 replacements had any kind of impact.

THE MALARKEY:

- Kyle Beckerman's dreads have gone full-out natty. The family of possums now living inside it are said to be healthy and happy.

- Looks like The Osmond Family have won this round of their vicious rap fued with Drake.

- Ned Grabavoy still has the perviest sounding name in MLS. Steven Caldwell may have been doing a Nightline investigation.

- John Stockton shorty-short-shorts spotted: 0

PLAYER RATINGS:

Julio Cesar 6 / Bradley Orr 4.5 (SUB: 60' Issey Nakajima-Farran 5) / Steven Caldwell 6 / Doneil Henry 5 / Justin Morrow 5.5 / Mark Bloom 4.5 / Michael Bradley 6.5 / Jeremy Hall 5 (SUB: 78' Kyle Bekker ) / Alvaro Rey 5.5 / Gilberto 5.5 / Jermain Defoe 6.5 (SUB: 61' Dwayne De Rosario 5 )

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Michael Bradley

  

 The long and the short shorts of it

THE MATCHUP: Bit off Mormon we can chew?

Marie Osmond! You traitor to Utah and the Spanish Crown!



REAL SALT LAKE VS TORONTO FC
RIO TINTO STADIUM - SATURDAY 9:30 ET
TV: TSN 2

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- This is arguably TFC's stiffest competition so far.
- Ryan Nelsen has been poking RSL with a stick by wondering aloud if DP Alvaro Saborio should be banned for this match due to an infraction last week vs LA Galaxy. Will RSL use it as motivation?
- Will TFC sign Issey Nakajima-Farran and have his paperwork processed in time for the match? Would he take the banned Jackson's starting spot on the wing? (UPDATE: See news below)
- How will Jermain Defoe react when he finds out how many wives you're allowed to have in Utah?
- Will Michael Bradley prove his dominance after RSL's Nat Borchers publically claimed that Kyle Beckerman was the better player of the two?
- Do RSL's horrible new shirts come with matching John Stockton super-shorty-short-shorts?

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The King Juan Carlos I Invitational"

THE DUEL:
Kyle Beckerman vs. Michael Bradley

WHO ARE YA?
We gently mock our MLS brethren south of the border for their tendency to add on concerts and other spectacles post-match to help draw bigger crowds to matches. Most are cringe-worthy local artist shows with a dose of fireworks thrown in but RSL have outdone themselves with "Tintopalooza" a huge show following Saturday’s match full of Utah's finest music. Come for the match, stay for...

TINTOPALOOZA

Featuring...

DA OSMONDZ: THE NEXT GENERATION
Folk-funk fusion duo STOCKTON & MALONE
UTAH SAINTS
THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR
UTAH JAZZ
MAJOR LUZER feat. Kyle Beckermon
THE MORMON TABERNACLE DEATH METAL ENSEMBLE
NICK RIMANDO'S RHYTHMIC BELLY SLAPPING

WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS:

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
March 29, 2011: Three days after scoring two goals in his home debut, Javier Martina - confident in the knowledge that his long, successful TFC career has begun - spends his full season salary on a boat named "BRACE YOURSELF"

BONUS NEWS SECTION NEWS!
ISSEY REALLY SIGNED?

According to Luke Wileman at TSN and now being "scooped" by MLS' official site, Canadian international winger and long-term trial aficionado Issey Nakajima-Farran has signed with TFC and the deal only awaits Commissioner Dong Grabber's erotic rubber-stamp.

The 29-year old Alberta native has one colourful passport as his professional career has seen him play in Singapore, Denmark, Australia and most recently Cyprus. With 30 caps to his name with Canada, Nakajima-Farran offers a lot of experience and some depth to TFC's flanks. As mentioned above, he may be pressed into immediate service versus RSL due to "InfrAction" Jackson's ban.

Most importantly, the winger adds some needed pun-meat to the club with "Issey or Isn't he?" lines due to see a sharp increase. He also represents one of TFC's few hyphenated players. Arguably the finest since "Young" Nana Attakora went by Nana Attakora-Gyan. Important football analysis 24/7 at The Yorkies.

And... If you like this kind of jibber-jabber but wished it could be shoved in your ear like a moist Q-tip - we've got you covered! The Yorkies and Waking the Red join forces weekly on The Vocal Minority Podcast... "Get used to it" here... (NEW EPISODE ON FRIDAY!)

THE STARTING 11: Toronto FC 2014 mayoral campaign slogans

Not bad. Would be better with hybrid turf.

 

Welcome to Toronto Tim Leiweke - you're now officially one of us. A year after touching down (Get it? Argos? Oh, never mind) in our fair city, the MLSE Grand Poobah has finally come face-to-face with the buffoonery that is our city's current leadership. A cold war is brewing between MLSE and Ford Nation over the BMO Expansion plans but maybe this time the Etobicoke Emperor has bitten off more than he can eat at home. After all, Mr. Leiweke could run a whole slew of 2014 mayoral candidates from his suddenly hot football club...

11. Gale Agbossoumonde: "RUN THE CITY? LIKE A BOSS."

10. Joe Bendik: "I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW"

9. Justin Morrow: "FOR A BETTER # 2 MORROW"

8. Ryan Nelsen: "A SUK-SISS-FILL SITTEE FU IVREE-WUN!"

7. Michael Bradley: "TACKLING EVERY PROBLEM. EVERYWHERE. ALWAYS."

6. Julio Cesar: "I SAVE EVERYTHING"

5. Alvaro Rey: "STEP-OVER RED TAPE"

4. Bradley Orr: "FIGHTING DEBT. HEADBUTTING TRANSIT"

3. Dwayne De Rosario: "BUDGET? INVISIBLE CHEQUES."

2. Jim Brennan: "BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST GIVE ME JOBS"

1. Jermain Defoe: "LADIES ALWAYS TAX-FREE"



THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto v DC... or Who needs a dome or a roof?

 

It's the most wonderful time of the year.  The first home game of the season.  Isn't she lovely?  Isn't she grand?

Historically this is the best time of the year for our beloved Robins... it's usually mostly a new side, nothing to have been yelling about yet and mathematically we're still in the hunt for a play-off spot.

Except we're actually undefeated.  With a win.  On the road.  In Seattle. #shortSentencesForDramaticEffect

D.C. is still in rebuild mode. The last time we saw them, Toronto thumped the hell out of their "C" team, as they were resting their main squad for their Open Cup tie, which paid dividends as they won it and qualified for Europe, I mean Champions League, I mean CONCACAF Champions League (which is too long), I mean Concubine League.  Well done to them.

And those of you that don't know, we've had a massive signing spree in the off season, securing the likes of Jackson, Morrow and Konopka! One cannot help but see and feel great things for the mighty Robins in Season Eight!

On to the match!

35' - Bradley springs Rey from the trap on the left side of the box, but fires the ball way over the bar without being under pressure.

42' - Jackson fires in a low cross that finds Defoe, one touch on it and Hamid gets a little on it, but the post gets the rest.  Tragic.  Pretty.

Half-Time Mood : Optimistic.  Plenty of chances.  Really relying on the counter and are quickly adapting to the offside trap.

50' - YELLOW - Jackson got into a shoving match with a D.C. player, who then fell to the ground like he had been shot.

59' - GOAL - massive through ball to Gilberto, gets a shot off but is blocked, rebound magnetically finds its way to Defoe, pops it into the open goal as Hamid was off his line, and the villagers rejoice.

ROBINS 1, DIVIDED 0

63' - SUB - Gilberto makes way for the prodigal son, Dwayne DeRosario

65' - Bradley and Arnaud have an ugly collision where Arnaud stayed down and Bradley was busted open the hard way on the back of his head.  Arnaud would not return and Bradley looked more like a supervillian.

75' - Defoe finds DeRo through to goal and though he had 3 good uninterfered touches, the defender caught up to him and tackled away the shot.

83' - SUB - Orr comes on for Rey

3 minute of extra time

Full Time : TORONTO 1, D.C 0 b Let's just retire undefeated and remember this season as a great one! No? Fine, ruin a good thing, why don'tcha...

Man of the Match : Gonna have to give this one to Bradley.  He was everywhere on the pitch and came back from a collision. 

Goat of the Game : No one was bad enough, but seeing DeRo running so slowly alarmed the hell out of me where I was starting to think he was a liability

Ref Rating : 4 out of 5

Kit Spotting :  it was too damn cold, but as much as we saw an Aberdeen scarf, I think the Ternana Calcio toque

I Am Not The Gaffer But : nothing to say really.  Getting used to the counter-attack style of football and that's where most of my concerns would come from.

It was nice to be at a cold weather game and be actually dressed for it... Henry had a bit of a howler early in the match, but then followed it up with some excellent clutch tackles.  Very impressive... Morrow seems to be shaping up to be a shrewd bit of business too.  He was running the left side of the pitch without any cause for concern... We need to come up with a song for Defoe that doesn't involve repeating his name over and over again.  We did inadvertently come up with a Jackson one entitled "Man in the Middle".  Look for the single to drop soon!... To the idiot who ran onto the field with Defoe on a break.  If he had scored and the ref called it back, I would hope you remain in police custody for your own protection.

Player Ratings : Julio Cesar 6.5, Bloom 6, Henry 6.5, Caldwell 7, Morrow 7, Jackson 6.5, Bradley 7.5, Osorio 6.5, Rey 6.5 [Orr N/A], Defoe 7, Gilberto 7 [DeRo 6]

THE MATCHUP: Fly like an eagle

"CAW!"

 

TORONTO VS. D.C. UNITED

BMO FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET

TV: TSN

 

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?

- Home opener. 20,000 wildly optimistic hosers in long underwear. Nuff said.

- Was last week at Seattle the real life - or was it just fantasy?

- Dwayne De Rosario LOVES burning his ex-clubs

- Two clubs that were awful in 2013 try to show MLS who made the most off-season improvement

- Tim Leiweke is going all Nuremberg during pre-match, addressing the assembled crowd. No doubt he will update us on his quest for Magic Invisible Turf Paint!

- Luis Silva and (possibly) Nana Attakora return to BMO Field

- After an (ongoing) awful winter - will the pitch be a bog?

- Halftime contest to choose this weekend's Jermain Defoe WAG!

 

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:

"The 1812'er"

 

THE DUEL:

Michael Bradley vs. Luis Silva and/or

Jermain Defoe vs. Eddie Johnson

 

WHO ARE YA?

Part of last season's pre-game "ritual" was a truly disastrous and uninspiring effort to make Bitchy the Hawk into a thing. To a mundane rock soundtrack, our disinterested seagull-bothering Harris Hawk was flown out, then carried out, then just sort of briefly presented; all before maniacally attempting to escape her jailers, inevitably dangling sadly upside down in a flapping frenzy.

Not wanting anything to go wrong PR-wise at this season's big home opener, rumour has it that MLSE has hatched out a different bird opportunity for Saturday. In conjunction with the new Muppets movie and to honour our American capital visitors, the part of Bitchy the Hawk will be played by Jim Henson's "Sam the Eagle".

If "Sam the Eagle" is unavailable then Mick McCarthy will be playing the role.

 

WORTH A 1000 WORDS:



ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:

March 22, 2012: After being absent from the club without notice for 72 hours, TFC receives a call from Washington D.C. police notifying them that a drunken Miguel Aceval, Nick Soolsma and Luis Silva were found straddling the base of the Washington Monument giggling wildly.



THE STARTING 11: Ways Toronto FC celebrated their win in Seattle

"More than enough to drink at home..."



Well that was a bit of fun wasn't it? It's far too early to start planning any parades but even the most optimistic of your TFC supporters didn't honestly expect an opening day win in Seattle. But alas, on the backs of their shiny new signings, The Reds bagged 3 points and deserved a little post-match celebration! Where better to luxuriate in victory than the Sasquatch and caffeine laden city of Seattle, Washington but what do happy Reds do with a free night in the Emerald City?

11. Threw an Xbox through a hotel window

10. Toronto-born players gathered under the Space Needle and made inadequate phallic gestures while giggling uncontrollably

9. Stefan Frei and Joe Bendik secretly met for a quiet meal. Held hands. Wept gently.

8. Found famous Seattle street musician "Spoonman"... watched on as Jackson tackled him from behind

7. Jim Brennan spent evening in hotel business center emailing resume to Seattle Sounders for all of their jobs

6. Icing Mark Bloom's manbits after the Clint Dempsey punch. Repeat.

5. Went Bigfoot spotting. Closest they got was seeing Sigi Schmid eating a donut in the woods.

4. Alvaro Rey dribbled through the surviving members of Nirvana

3. All-night "Frasier" box-set marathon in Chris Konopka's room! Anyone?

2. Jermain Defoe celebrated scoring twice by scoring another seven times overnight

1. Coffee stupor!

 

No Jackson he's just trying to feel the rhythm with his hands!



AFTER 90: A pretty big (bloody) deal

Difference makers.

SEATTLE SOUNDERS - 1
Clint Dempsey - 68'

TORONTO FC - 2
Jermain Defoe - 17'
Jermain Defoe - 24'

WHAT WE EXPECTED:
A shaky start for a TFC squad in need of instant chemistry in a hostile environment. A draw would have been sweet, we planned for a 3-1 loss.
WHAT WE GOT:
A hard-working, composed win spearheaded by Jermain Defoe's debutante balls and the tireless leadership of Michael Bradley and Steven Caldwell. While they had to absorb tremendous Seattle pressure in the 2nd Half, they didn't capitulate. That's new.

THE GOOD:
- The dominant leadership (and head) of Steven Caldwell who anchored the back and made his co-defenders better.
- The reassuring presence of Julio Cesar. Not a knock on Bendik but you can feel TFC's defence breathe easier with his experience.
- Michael Bradley. Period. Defoe will get the plaudits but Bradley was everywhere. A boss.
- Jermain Defoe - what can you say? A poacher. His goal tally this year will only be hampered by his service. Does what it says on the tin.

THE BAD:
- Slow starts in both halves. On another day an opponent will make them pay if they come out that flat-footed.
- The bruises left on Doneil Henry's chops after a boot to the face.
- Silly free kicks given as the game wore on. Maybe due to exhaustion but TFC were lucky they weren't costly.
- The bench. Yes there are injuries but not too many guys available at the moment who can come in and change the face of the match for The Reds. Bright Dike is missed.

THE MALARKEY:
- 39,000 Seattle fans singing "Can you hear Toronto sing?" to the 100 TFC fans in attendance. That's just poor audio science.
- TFC's Jackson may be the angriest man in Brazil but his natty all-white boots are full on Tito Jackson.
- When did Chad Barrett turn into an oversized Oompa Loompa?
- The Clint Dempsey/Jermain Defoe Tottenham Hotspur reunion ended much the same way as their time at White Hart Lane together: Defoe scored more goals and Dempsey still looked like an overpaid twonk.

PLAYER RATINGS:
Julio Cesar 6.5 / Mark Bloom 6 / Steven Caldwell 8 / Doneil Henry 7 / Justin Morrow 6.5 / Jackson 6 (SUB: 90'+ - Ashtone Morgan N/A) / Michael Bradley 8 / Jonathan Osorio 7 / Alvaro Rey 6 (SUB: 66' - Bradley Orr 5.5) / Dwayne De Rosario 6 (SUB: 63' - Andrew Wiedeman 5) / Jermain Defoe 8

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Jermain Defoe

 

Sigi Schmid: not pleased

THE MATCHUP: "Tossed salad and scrambled eggs, we're starting again..."

Snacks are ready...

SEATTLE VS. TORONTO
CENTURYLINK FIELD - SATURDAY 4:30PM ET
TV: TSN

WHY SHOULD I WATCH THIS?
- C'mon now people! It's the dawn of a(nother) new era! What better town to unleash your big bloody eels than one with a famous seafood market?
- Which TFC DP's will play on Seattle’s "horrible turf"? Gilberto has been ruled out but will Jermain Defoe and Michael Bradley play a big role?
- How deep is our love? We mean "how deep is our bench"?
- Requiem for a Goalblerone. Just how will ex-Toronto favourite, now Sounders # 1, Stefan Frei perform against the club he called home for so long?
- A chance to feast your eyes on the biggest crowd TFC will likely play before this year and a chance to cozy up to the inventors of the sport. Apparently. Also Bigfoot sightings - there's always a chance.

MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The XBOX Reboot"

THE DUEL:
Osvaldo Alonso vs. Michael Bradley and/or
Clint Dempsey vs. Jermain Defoe

WHO ARE YA?
Seattle, Washington... the birthplace of caffeine, modern soccer and Spoonmen. Home to wild roaming herds of Sasquatch and fictional psychiatrists.

Of all the cities you can travel to on an MLS away day, Seattle should rank high. Direct flights into Soundgarden International Airport offer the away supporter a quick transfer into the city where you can visit sites such as the World's Tiniest CN Tower, the actual house from "Harry and the Hendersons" and the mystical Starbucks within a Starbucks inside an actual Starbucks.

On the way to the match, keep your ears alert for the "Puget Sound" which is the audible self-satisfied sigh of 30,000 Sounders supporters acknowledging their own awesomeness.

WORTH A 1000 WORDS:

CenturyLink. Halftime.

 

ON THIS DAY IN TFC HISTORY:
March 15, 1997: 12-year-old Maxim Usanov's life turned down an ugly pugilistic path when he punched a tiny show pony at a St. Petersburg agricultural fair.


And... If you like this kind of malarkey but wished it could be shoved down your ear canal - we've got you covered! The Yorkies and Waking The Red join forces on the latest episode of The Vocal Minority Podcast... "Get used to it" here...

It's a big, bloody list! Know your TFC 2014

Fresh out of the box Reds!

Eels! Eels! Eels! Big, bloody eels as far as the eye can see! Toronto FC is set to embark on their most ambitious season to date with a massive sea change of personnel... again. But this time, the newcomers are actual footballers and not a mixture of Latvian bus drivers and miscellany.

As your Nu-Eff Cee's prepare to kick a ball in anger, here is a handy A(gbossoumonde) to Z(If you pronounce Wiedeman as Zwiedeman) guide to the club. Chock full of hard-hitting investigative journalism, fascinating statistics* and shocking facts* (*not necessarily statistical) (* not entirely factual), we urge you to print up this list, stick it to your fridge, above your toilet or to someone you love and see how many of these lads are here in October.

#6 GALE AGBOSSOUMONDE - D
NATION: Togo
NICKNAME: "Boss"
SHOCKING FACT*: Togolese-to-English translation of his name is actually Gary A. Bosworth
PREDICTION: Putting kit customizers' kids through college

#34 MANNY APARICIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Wee Manny", "The Apparition"
SHOCKING FACT*: Born into a long bloodline of tiny Argentine illusionists
PREDICTION: Getting all of Joao Plata's TFC hand-me-downs

#8 KYLE BEKKER - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "The Oak"
SHOCKING FACT*: Presto transit cards do NOT go against salary cap
PREDICTION: Making Oakville GO Train service seem nimble in comparison

#12 JOE BENDIK- GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Super Pickle"
SHOCKING FACT*: Kicks with his eyes closed. Dill with it.
PREDICTION: Realizing what Stefan Frei felt like last year

#28 MARK BLOOM - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Nellie's Bloomer"
SHOCKING FACT*: 0.003% of population knows what he looks like
PREDICTION: Narrowly avoiding Bradley Orr's depth-chart headbutts

#4 MICHAEL BRADLEY - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "The General"
SHOCKING FACT*: Played Lex Luthor in 3rd Grade school play
PREDICTION: Making Americans sad at away fixtures

#13 STEVEN CALDWELL - D
NATION: Scotland
NICKNAME: "Cap'n Crunch"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has attempted to deep-fry his captain's arm-band
PREDICTION: Yelling at Doneil Henry. A lot.

#30 JULIO CESAR - GK
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "The Emperor"
SHOCKING FACT*: Ironically allergic to both salad and Clamato-based beverages
PREDICTION: Yelling at Doneil Henry. A lot.

#14 DWAYNE DE ROSARIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "De Ro", "The Prodigal Scarberian"
SHOCKING FACT*: Hired Raivis Hscanovics to appear out of nowhere and rub his shoulders whenever he gets upset
PREDICTION: Shocking victory in Toronto mayoral election

#18 JERMAIN DEFOE - F
NATION: England
NICKNAME: "feat. Drake"
SHOCKING FACT*: Turned down contract offer from New England when only rapper they managed to get to phone him was the other guy from "House of Pain"
PREDICTION: Scoring goals. Scoring gals.

#7 BRIGHT DIKE - F
NATION: Nigeria
NICKNAME: "Carnage"
SHOCKING FACT*: Upon Stefan Frei's departure was given the locker built directly over an Indian burial ground
PREDICTION: Having many fans pull for him to recover

#11 JACKSON - D/M
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "Tito"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has seven brothers named Richie, Loggins, Hall, Oates, Huey, Lewis and Fred.
PREDICTION: Forming tag-team with Bradley Orr to fight all teammates

#17 NICK HAGGLUND - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Hagglund the Horrible"
SHOCKING FACT*: Has accepted the title of "TFC's Whitest White Dude", available after the departure of Terry Dunfield
PREDICTION: Carrying Jermain Defoe's bags through airports

#25 JEREMY HALL - D/M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Jersenio"
SHOCKING FACT*: South Stand Jeremy Hall supporters' group "The Dawg Pound" now up to 2 1/2 members
PREDICTION: Making us still go "hmm?"

#22 - JORDAN HAMILTON - F
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Air Scarborough"
SHOCKING FACT*: Does not hail from either Middle Eastern nation of Jordan or Middle Earth city of Hamilton.
PREDICTION: Constantly being recalled from Wilmington

#15 DONEIL HENRY - D
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Oh No Henry"
SHOCKING FACT*: Once got red carded while waiting for a bus
PREDICTION: Getting yelled at

#1 CHRIS KONOPKA - GK
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "K-Cups"
SHOCKING FACT*: Chose the # 1 kit
PREDICTION: His kit proves to be a liar

# - DANIEL LOVITZ - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "The Critic"
SHOCKING FACT*: He is not a tiny cartoon film reviewer
PREDICTION: Not giving us the chance to sing "I Don't Care - he's Lovitz!"

#5 ASHTONE MORGAN - D
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "#NastyBenchOption"
SHOCKING FACT*: Voted "Most Likely to Confound Predictions" at TFC prom
PREDICTION: Using the seventh of his football career's nine lives

#2 JUSTIN MORROW- D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "2Morrow"
SHOCKING FACT*: You'll like him, 2Morrow
PREDICTION: He's only a day away

#9 GILBERTO - F
NATION: Brazil
NICKNAME: "The Bloody Medium Deal", "Ol' Gil"
SHOCKING FACT*: Full name is actually Gilberto Oliveira Billy Ray Souza Jr.
PREDICTION: Making fans say "we should have kept Laba"

#16 BRADLEY ORR - D
NATION: England
NICKNAME: "Ifs Orrs & Butts", "Bee-Orr"
SHOCKING FACT*: Former TFC defender Maxim Usanov referred to Orr as "too punchy"
PREDICTION: Pantomime villain/Fan favourite

#21 JONATHAN OSORIO - M
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "J Ro", "Jon-O-Vision"
SHOCKING FACT*: Blew his rookie season salary on failed Uruguayan video rental business "MonteVideo"
PREDICTION: Playing well enough not to get traded to San Jose for "future considerations"

#23 ALVARO REY - M
NATION: Spain
NICKNAME: "Copadel", "Lanadel"
SHOCKING FACT*: His salary
PREDICTION: Happily accepting Defoe’s WAG run-off

#33 RYAN RICHTER - D
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Scales"
SHOCKING FACT*: Never garnered transfer interest from San Jose Earthquakes despite amazing cross-promotional opportunities
PREDICTION: Minor tremors

#40 QUILLAN ROBERTS - GK
NATION: Canada
NICKNAME: "Q"
SHOCKING FACT*: Lists Seal's third full studio album "Human Being" as the single most important influence on his playing career
PREDICTION: A series of tremendous clean sheet performances... in Wilmington

#32 ANDREW WIEDEMAN - M
NATION: USA
NICKNAME: "Wet Wiedeman", "(Insert your gag here) of the Modern Era"
SHOCKING FACT*: Is amphibious
PREDICTION: Will invent mobile showerhead to keep self drenched at all times... lead the league in scoring



THE STARTING 11: Things that Toronto FC supporters gain from the BMO Field expansion

Get used to it.

Go ahead, call us lazy. Tell us we're phoning it in. After 7 years of covering TFC, you are what you eat.

To be fair, today's "Greatest Hits" Starting 11 is topical. When it first appeared on the site, "Argos to BMO" was still in the rumour (but who are we kidding - this deal was done a year ago) stage. However, this week, the promised shiny expanded BMO Field pictures were unveiled (nice of them not to draw the impossible to fully remove CFL gridiron markings on the TFC pitch) and the confirmation that the Argos are moving in was announced. So, as a reminder, here is the full list of advantages us TFC supporters (who weren't apparently worthy enough to get stadium upgrades without the CFL) will get to enjoy at Argonauts Stadium feat. "The Sakker"...

11.

10.

9.

8.

7. A roof during inclement weather.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

MLS Jersey Weak

I know what you must be thinking seeing this pop up in your feed: What the hell does this have to do with footy?  Absolutely nothing.

Regular readers will have come to know that The Yorkies are footballing nerds.  We once spent 15 minutes during a match attempting to identify a kit (it was Millionaros of Colombia and Toronto was likely losing at this point).  And, though it is well understood that kits have nothing to do with the football, they are a major part of footballing culture.

Now that all of kits have been released, let us review some:

Vilified kits:
3.Toronto FC away.  From a distance it’s not a bad kit, but up close, it’s the gross overuse of a maple leaf... someone should explain to me why a city should be using a national symbol.  The Whitecaps appear to be using the mountains, Montreal are rocking the fleur de lis.  Is TFC that devoid of any original ideas that we have to pretend to be ‘Canada’s Team’?  I know they’re not, but that’s the correlation being subtly demonstrated.

2. Houston away.  Why even have a launch for this thing?  It’s so ordinary.  They could’ve easily had the roll-out for this the second it was finalized back in December.  It’s like calling a press release of a new pizza sponsor “news”.

1. Dallas home.  After all this time, being referred to as ‘The Hoops’, the horizontal stripes are gone.  I don’t get it.  There aren’t enough unique patterns in MLS and removing one is a head scratcher.  The kit isn’t terrible, it’s the change.

Favourite kits:
4. New England home.  It’s simple and striking, two things very difficult to do with the Adidas identa-kit templates, but they’ve lost the white trim and went all red.  Having a mono-colour sponsor makes this a classic.  Now if they can only do something about that dodgy badge...

3. LA Galaxy home.  It’s gorgeous.  We would consider getting this kit just because it looks amazing and it is somehow an improvement on the previous home kit, which was also a stunner.  The navy/gold trim on the cuffs sold me.  I thought this was the best hands down until I saw...

2. Portland 3rd.  It’s simple and has that proper retro feel, right down to the colours.  The old gold with the pine green compliment each other well, but the clincher is the sponsor.  Clearly that is not Alaska Airlines’ word marking, but they were cool enough to ‘retrofy’ their logo by just converting their wordmark into Arial Black font.  If they could’ve somehow implemented the actual old NASL crest, this would be a masterpiece.  This was the champion.  Then yesterday I see this one...

1. Sporting KC away.  God I hate them so much.  They're good, Collin is a pain, Zusi is a pain, and in addition to the worst home kit and name and badge combination going, they've now got the best kit with that same terrible colour scheme.  Yes, I understand it makes no sense, but the hoops are stunning.  Seriously, I quietly raged and drooled when I saw this one.

Notable kits:
Chicago home is actually quite a nice kit.  It took a bit of getting used to that cornflower blue criss-cross pattern beneath the sponsor, but the navy-red top/bottom is nice.  Colorado is so close to something special, with that killer 3rd blue kit, then they phone it in with this maroon snoozefest.  It doesn’t need a sponsor, just a more vibrant shade or something.   My apologies to Philadelphia, but did your home kit actually change? It’s a shame that Chivas is getting rebranded.  Their home kits have improved year to year and even without the sponsor, this looks nice.  Their Mexican counterparts, however, have nailed it down.

MLS LOGO WEEK - Getting to know your Eastern Conference

Hot on the heels of yesterday's truly* (*not true whatsoever) revolutionary, ground-breaking introduction to MLS #LogoWeek here at The Yorkies, we conclude the parade here today.

After hauling our pioneer wagon of logos and high-end football analysis through the West we turn eastward ho! No you're not a ho - it's a declaration of direction. God, you lot are so PC! This time it's the Eastern Conference's turn - home to thriving, bustling cities, the beauty of the Atlantic seaboard, the mighty Great Lakes... and Montreal is there too. Enjoy it you whores. As in "Go East Whore!" (It's a geography term, trust us.)

CHICAGO FIRE
AKA: The Yallopian Tubes
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Without them there is no Copa Del Grandos Lagos. Plus we can both agree Lake Erie sucks."

COLUMBUS CREW
AKA: The Crewp
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Thanks for giving MLS' dirtiest mascot, Crew Cat, a nice warm home"

MLS LOGO WEEK - Getting to know your Western Conference

 

The 2014 MLS season is but days away and the North American football punditry industry is in full force. Statistics, depth charts and player profiles are coming thick and fast as some of MLS' brightest minds attempt to predict this season's outcome.

Then there is us.

Why buy the milk when the cow is busy making a solid Raivis Hscanovics gag? Here at The Yorkies we instead take our cue from MLS' most important annual event, #JerseyWeek, and present you with #LogoWeek, where we parade our own take on every club's logo and throw in our in-depth, scientific scouting reports with the info the other guys are too afraid to print!

We start with the Western Conference. Mostly because they are so whiny. What gives west? You've got nicer weather, mountains, plains... um... Alberta and Idaho? Suck it up Pacific buttercups. Never Mind the Rockies, Here's the Western Conference!

 

CHIVAS USA

AKA: The Undera Chivas
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "Making Toronto FC look slightly more professional since 2007"

 

COLORADO RAPIDS
AKA: The Ron Burgundys
SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THEM: "They have more silverware in the last 8 years than owner Stan Kroenke's other football club"

THE STARTING 11: TFC Oscars Introductions

 

What is the only thing longer than sitting through one of TFC's "Five Year Plans"? The Academy Awards ceremony. The annual homage to Hollywood's finest (except the shameful ignorance towards Scott Baio's 1982 opus "Zapped!") usually runs for about 30 hours, testing the most dedicated viewer. A bit like 2013 at BMO Field. Much of the time is wasted with long-winded, overly-descriptive nominee introductions. Things would be so much better if the Oscars rewarded a real drama... Toronto FC.

11. "A mouthy business genius spirals out of control as he flirts with a CFL team and enters the high-stakes financial world of non-existent turf-paint-remover... Best Picture nominee... "The Bull of Bay Street"

10. "The harrowing tale of a club with out of this world expectations that faces disaster when they are forced to play their bench strikers. Dreams come crashing down to Earth in... "Gravity"

9. "Performing the nominated Best Original Song "The MLS Anthem"... ladies and gentlemen... Drake!"

8. "A story of desperation as out-of-depth general managers only have one place to send their unwanted Hasslis and de Guzmans... this is... "FC Dallas DP Buyers Club"

7. "One man fights off all-comers to his position and attempts to keep his unexplained job for life afloat in... "Captain Brennan"

6. "The animated adventures of a super villain bent on destroying any club that will re-employ him... "Despicable Mo 2"

5. "Nominee for Best Costume Design: The person who can fit the most maple leafs on a single shirt!"

4. "This futuristic drama chronicles a lonely man who befriends his advanced computer operating system only to have it unexpectedly headbutt him... this is... "Orr"

3. "A heart-warming journey as a club searches for the long-lost son they didn't mean to give away... "PhiloDeRo"

2. "Based on a true story, the dramatic re-telling of a Canadian club's snatching of the USA's best player, Michael Bradley... ladies and gentlemen... "American Hustle"

1. "Harrowing. Painful to watch. Many had to look away. The challenging tale of torture and degradation... of Toronto FC supporters since 2007... "7 Years a Shame"