THE SOUTH STAND REPORT : Toronto FC v. Real Salt Lake... or Plata-bing, Plata-boom!

Today is a great day. Sure its mediocre football time, but that's not it. Today is the first day that GO Transit runs every half hour! Regional public transit has advanced by 30 years today.   Just another 40 to go to catch up to the rest of the modern world but baby steps... no more 48 minute waits post match! Only 18 for this guy!

Oh yeah, TFC win and a draw, blah blah blah... let's do this sucker.

This match is brought to you by the BlackBerry 10 speech to text. Not an advertisement, but a precursor to cheap misunderstood amusement!   Go technology!

12 - Go Bruins Is that through 20 yards and Hello will go on the first touch Get away from him but his second touch just tires wife lol 

36 - YELLOW - Go Bruins goes into the book for being crabby as an RSL player gets by him I think 

45 - GOAL - RSL Are passing outside the box gets laid off to Alvarez from 20 yards and then fire slow and far corner 

ROBINS 0, TABERNACLES 1

Halftime mood : a little deflated 

54 - SUB - Go Bruins comes home for silver 

59 - SUB - Call exit the game for on (Braun)

60 - YELLOW - Richter get the yellow for taking down Platter.  Twitter gets up from the original tackle runs a few yards then once you realize is the whistle was blown calls back into the ground again

78 - There's a fight going on with in the practice somebody went down from toronto from a taco then Henry comes in and pushes and RSL clear down.  What is the referee we do you control ...

78 - RED - Henry gets in to for his part in the fight.  Not that we normally keep track of things but in RSL player also received a red and another one receipt a yellow card.

86 - SUB - Movie comes on Coffee

5 Minutes of extra time on apps 

90+2 - YELLOW - Caldwell is a booking for a rough time

90+4' - Broccoli has a chance and from our end, it looked like he shipped it and watched it nearly cross the line only for an RSL defender to clear silk.

FULL TIME : TORONTO 0, REAL SALT LAKE 1

[Totally worth it.  ~Ed]

Man of the Match : Brockie was everywhere.  Convey looked great and comfortable too.

Goat of the Game : Henry and it's only for the red card.  I understand sticking up for your teammates, but I fear that this may be the downfall of a promising career.  He needs to keep his head.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  They had a flawless first half, and then they lost the plot.  Things that weren't fouls in the first half, were bookable offenses in the second.  Just pick one.  The good mark was for the first 45.

Kit Spotting : Kid in a Middlesborough kit, guy in a Sao Paulo  FC but the winner goes to the guy in the Sport Clube Bahia kit on the train ride home.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : the only thing that baffled me was subbing off Hall for Braun.  I would've pulled off Osorio instead of Hall, just for going invisible in the second half.  His first half was spectacular and very early in the match, he was looking to strap the team to his back and power them to a goal.  Nothing significantly puzzling though.

The first half was far from a masterpiece, but Toronto showed composure, control and creativity.  The second half was largely toothless and draining... First half, O'Dea was an anchor in the back, second half he was playing up front... Dear TFC front office, I feel that you don't market enough to the supporters.  Consider putting stickers on all seats telling us who our seats are brought to us by, and who is the official body pillow, home pregnancy kit and hovercraft rental service of Toronto FC?  And there really need to be more tents promoting things out front of the stadium.  I was almost 20 feet from a gate before I witnessed the Sony tent... I don't wanna say we need to keep Brockie, but we should see if Wellington Phoenix will take Reggie Lambe in exchange... Koevermans is still slow, but still reliable and dangerous.  It still feels like he's not at 100%, but it's closer.  Perhaps by Wednesday he'll play the whole match (injuries notwithstanding).

Player Ratings : Bendik 6, Richter 6, Henry 5, Caldwell 6.5, O'Dea 6.5, Osorio 6, Laba 6, Hall 5.5 [Braun N/A], Convey 7 [Lambe 5.5], Brockie 6.5, Koevermans 6.5 [Silva 5.5]

THE MATCHUP: And all that Jazz

TORONTO VS. REAL SALT LAKE

　
BMO Field - SATURDAY 1PM ET
TV: TSN 2 ("Droppin' The D-D-D-Deuce!")
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Ok, enough about the other stuff. Let's talk about a real match. Actually let's talk about a Real match. It’s back to business for TFC as "The Creatures from Sodium Lagoon" aka Real Salt Lake aka Utah Saints drop by BMO Field to work some MormonMagic TM.
　
Despite being perennial contenders for the last five years or so, RSL haven't pounded on The Reds at BMO Field like so many of their colleagues have so this could be an interesting fixture. TFC are riding high (stop laughing) on a three-match unbeaten streak and will need to add a little skill to their "hard to beat" philosophy if they want to grab 3 points from the still very good Utahns. Utahites? Utes? KarlMalones.
　
Now bow your heads for a moment of silence as we mourn the loss of Logan Emory's hair. #NeverForget #PrayForScreech
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"The Real Friendly"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
TORONTO FC: Steven Caldwell, Danny Koevermans, Matias Laba
REAL SALT LAKE: Kyle Beckerman, Joao Plata, Nick Rimando
　
TFZ EXCLUSIVE: Video from a training ground incident featuring RSL hard-man Kyle Beckerman...



THE ODDS (Utah Saints Edition):
- TFC asking what they can do for me: 25-1
- Something Good is going to happen: 50-1
- A New Gold Dream... Reds don't allow a goal against in the 81, 82, 83 or 84th: 100-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
As we all know, it is Canada Day long-weekend on this side of the 49th but you may not be aware that July 1st is also "Holy Utah Day". The state holiday celebrates Utah's 1954 victory in the Great Utah-Idaho War and the state's subsequent independence from their northern potato overlords.
　
A traditional Holy Utah Day starts with 4 to 7 of a family's wives cutting the symbol of their former oppression - the potato - into thin slices which are then tossed into the Great Salt Lake where they marinate in the hot, arid sun all day long.
　
Meanwhile, children dressed as The Osmonds go door-to-door collecting purple, gold and green yarn which is then woven into a 200 foot wide pair of John Stockton shorty shorts and burned on a giant bonfire in the Olympic Park while locals munch on the saltwater potato slices. It is truly a day of MormonMagic TM
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WE'RE OVER IT"
　
And... Since it's Friday and we really want to ask TFC "what they can do for us" we bring you Utah's most famous band...

"That's a spicy friendly!" TFC fare quello che sanno fare meglio

TFC executives do good work



The worst-kept secret on College Street was announced today as Toronto FC bathed themselves in Italo-Canadian colours to announce the inevitable. Yes, AS Roma will visit BMO Field on August 7th to face ASS Toronto which will be met (apart from Roma supporters) with a big "... okay then".

We have made our feelings more than clear here... and here... so we won't bleat on about it anymore. You are either frustrated by the club's seemingly endless addiction to sideshows or you just see this as "another friendly" and meet it with a shrug. That is of course entirely up to you.

The announcement at Toronto's Italian media mecca, the CHIN Building, was obviously necessary because AS Roma plays in Rome. Rome is in Italy. Italians like the soccer. TFC sells the soccer. TFC loves Italians. Here is some video just in off the satellite feed of TFC management addressing their suddenly cherished multicultural life-partners:



TFC understands that all of the Italian community in Toronto won't support AS Roma just because they are from Italy right? Have they heard of Chivas USA? Oh why do we bother? Apparently we are just a minority of Twitter nogoodniks, right Mr. Payne?

Anyhoo, this is the last we will be talking of this match (except of course for the "INSERT STAR PLAYER'S NAME HERE" who picks up a season-ending injury during the match). If you go - enjoy and we hope you don't pay too much. If you decide not to... don't worry, you'll have another chance this time next year.

Circus Maximus

Suck it TFC supporters



We made our feelings very clear about Toronto FC and their addiction to annual clown shows here. Nothing has changed.
　
According to news sources in this country (including Sportsnet here) and in Italy, The Reds are set to make a pandering announcement in Little Italy on Wednesday to announce AS Roma will be this year's dogs and ponies. Our feelings have nothing to do with AS Roma, they are a famous club from a wonderful footballing nation - we wouldn't care if it was a team of Pele/Maradona Cyborgs sent from the future to destroy us (actually we'd like that) - the point is, this just stinks.
　
It stinks that the date being thrown around is in the middle of two fixtures against Seattle and New England which will force TFC to play 3 matches in 7 days. It stinks that a very thin TFC squad will be forced to play a good core of their starting squad and risk injury. It stinks that TFC don't understand that the only thing true TFC supporters want is for our club to be the good one... not the punching bag for "a real team form Europe".
　
All power to long-time Roma supporters who want to attend this match. We can't blame you; it's a rare opportunity to see a club you support from afar in the flesh. For the rest of us... why? The argument given that "we deserve to see some quality football after watching TFC all year" doesn't fly. You are still watching TFC, except this time they are being outclassed by a bunch of dudes on vacation. How prestigious!
　
Another excuse often trotted out in apology is that it "will give a chance for the bench players to get a run out" and/or "it is great experience" for these players to play against a "big club". Neither of these holds much weight. TFC has little depth, there is no way they can field a team of B-Squad players nor will that be expected from those who will have to mortgage their house for tickets for this "competition". As far as a great learning experience? Yes, the goal against Real Madrid put Gabe Gala on a rocket ship to stardom.
　
Beyond the indignity of the inevitable price (why do we even hold hope that TFC will do the right thing and give suffering season ticket holders a freebie?) the most discouraging thing is that the club just doesn't get it. Seven very long years and they still think we are hockey-lovin' rubes who will be dazzled by some European "sakker guys". No. We know football. We know our football team is not good. We want TFC to put 100% effort into making them good.
　
TFC management fiddles while Roma burns them.

THE STARTING 11: Signs that you're at a Toronto FC supporter's wedding

"No Collin - they're plastic!"



A long-term commitment full of struggle, some heartache and a constant test of wills. Brief flashes of exhilaration that make you remember why you entered the relationship in the first place. No we aren't talking about being a TFC Season Ticket Holder; we speak of the love that dares to speak its name... marriage. To our married friends... we pity salute you. To our single friends... enjoy watching the game in your underwear, happily eating Kraft Dinner out of the pot you glorious bastards keep searching for love. Single or other, you may very well be invited to a wedding ceremony or two this summer but how can you tell if you have stumbled into a TFC supporter's day of reckoning magical day?
　
11. The vows include the words "Through all the highs and lows!" (CLAP. CLAP.)
　
10. The groom keeps referring to the marriage as a "5 Year Plan"
　
9. During speeches, the father of the bride says "It's not so much losing a daughter, as it is gaining an interim son-in-law"
　
8. People keep calling the bridal gown "the alternate white kit"
　
7. The stripper at the previous night's stag party looked way too much like Nick Soolsma
　
6. After accepting the ring, the bride makes dramatic cheque signing motion to the groom
　
5. The open bar is still charging $12 for a beer
　
4. Maid of Honour salaciously called "best finisher in the modern era"
　
3. Collin Samuel has just eaten the mini bride and groom topper off of the cake
　
2. The Best Man is on loan from QPR
　
1. The wedding band? Tribal Rhythm Nation.

AFTER 90: Runs with orange

"Clap if you love Dynamo!"

HOUSTON VS. TORONTO

BBVA COMPASS STADIUM

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - A hot night awaits TFC in "The Town that Astroturf Built". Dressed for success - if that success is a 1986 Netherlands/Creamsicle mash-up - are the always tough Dynamo. Sadly not awaiting them - Dynamo, the fat stalker from "The Running Man" game show so cruelly taken in the prime of his life. "Who loves you, and who do you love?" Yeah, this report's gonna be all over the joint.

2' - The hunt for goals is on... "Tally Hall!"

7' - Both teams feeling each other out early on. Not that way. Perv.

7' - Anybody know what's going on at Club Escobar later?

13' - Luis Silva cuts a short pass into the box. The nearest Red was in Dallas.

16' - Doneil Henry salmon-leaps onto a corner but too much crown not enough forehead - easily saved. Tally Ho!

23' - Steven Caldwell knees a goal-bound loose ball into touch. Very close.

26' - Will Bruin is inches from putting Dynamo ahead with his head. Very closer.

30' - Ryan Richter the definite goat so far. A bit like Professor Subzero in "The Running Man". You may have heard of the film. It was based on a true story.

34' - Luis Silva has got to work on short cut-in passes. Two missed assist opportunities and counting.

42' - "Orange Crush" fizzing at the moment. One way traffic but luckily for TFC they haven't found a good finish.

45' - Unlike resistance fighter and "runner" William Laughlin, The Reds are still alive at the halfway mark. That was a reference from a documentary called "The Running Man" by the way. Now available on BetaMax.

　

HALFTIME: HOUSTON 0 - TORONTO 0

SECOND HALF:

47' - Reds press early but scramble sees both Darren O'Dea and Matias Laba rolling on pitch in pain. Or as TFC supporters called the scene: "motherf**********************ck". Neither required a hole to be buried in.

55' - Reds dropping to ground like flies. Doneil Henry looking like a giraffe shot by a poacher.

59' - SUB: Jeremy Brockie on for Luis Silva

60' - Thousands of fans* upset that Joe Bendik has changed goalkeeping outfits choosing a double-blue ensemble over his famous "Giant Pickle" costume. (*Possibly one fan)

64' - Robert Earnshaw with a weak effort on goal. The Welshman seems to have a powerbar that won't pass 50% tonight

70' - BBVA Compass Stadium is the centrepiece of Downtown Houston's major rebuilding effort after the devastating damage caused by President Whitmore's orders to nuke the city during 1996's tragic Independence Day alien invasion. #NeverForget

72' - Jeremy Brockie has been a tremendous spark plug since his introduction. "It's Business Time"

77' - SUB: Danny Koevermans on for Robert Earnshaw

80' - SUB: Darel "The Roy G." Russel on for Bobby Convey

83' - Houston throwing the kitchen sink at TFC. It's orange porcelain. Very nice.

88' - Reds fighting hard and trying to run out the match. If only there were a decent film reference to illuminate this.
90'+ - Major League Bum Squeaking

FULL TIME: HOUSTON 0 - TORONTO

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 7 / Ryan Richter 5 / Doneil Henry 5.5 / Steven Caldwell 7.5 / Darren O'Dea 6.5 / Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 6 / Jeremy Hall 6.5 / Bobby Convey 6 (Darel Russel N/A) / Luis Silva 5 (Jeremy Brockie 7 ) / Robert Earnshaw 5.5 (Danny Koevermans N/A)

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Steven Caldwell

THE BATH:

Much like wrongfully convicted hero Ben Richards (in the 1987 biopic "The Running Man"), TFC had to overcome the odds and survive wildly dressed foes in a dystopian wasteland... er... Texas. It wasn't the most artistic thing to watch for two hours but it did the job. TFC we mean - not hit 1987 docudrama "The Running Man"

 

Credit where it's due - The Reds had to scrap tonight to get the draw - the club's first clean sheet of the season. However, it was only the trench-like defending led by Steven Caldwell that kept Toronto in the match as the team's offensive output is still... well... offensive.

 

An opponent that was firing on all cylinders would have likely grabbed a goal against TFC especially during a panic filled last 10 minutes. That being said, it is two matches on the trot where Ryan Nelsen can say his squad was "hard to beat".

 

If only they had a Predator up front. Wait... that's not right. Commando? Nuts to this, I'm going to eat a Creamsicle.



Totally Texshan!

THE MATCHUP: Reds seek Mission Control

TFC's scouting department searches for the "big target"



HOUSTON VS. TORONTO
　
BBVA COMPASS STADIUM - SATURDAY 9PM ET
TV: TSN
　
THE KICKABOUT:
"Houston we have.... etc. etc.". We thought we would be able to stop using that hackneyed line for away fixtures to Dynamo years ago. Sadly not. However, fresh off of the TFC equivalent of a comet's passing - an away victory - The Reds will be looking to maintain some semblance of their "hard to beat" trajectory and not slip back into bad habits.
　
Last week's solid performances by the likes of Steven Caldwell and Matias Laba need to be continued and added upon by their comrades. Despite Houston's claims that they are having a sub-par season (6-5-4 - so dreamy!), it is a tough place to play at the best of times and The Reds will have to be at their best to grab some points. If not, prepare for the launch of the usual Houston excuses: "the heat", "orange blindness" and or "Club Escobar".
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"El Problissimo"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
HOUSTON: Giles Barnes, Oscar Boniek Garcia, Brad Davis
TORONTO: Steven Caldwell, Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba
　
THE ODDS:
- Reds unable to find "space" in midfield: 10-1
- Team burning up in the "atmosphere" 5-1
- TFC looking like Uranus: 2-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
While BMO Field security has had more than a few run-ins with TFC supporters who have ignited flares in the South End (those are only for corporate promotions gentlemen!) it is nothing compared to what their compatriots at BBVA Compass Stadium have dealt with. New Dynamo "ultra" supporters group "The Apollo Boyz" - made up mostly of laid off NASA employees" managed to sneak in a full moon-landing era Saturn V rocket into the new stadium and attempted to light it in their supporters' section. Luckily for security the rocket failed to ignite which ironically emboldened rival supporters group "The Dynamo Truth Commission" whose main functions are "cheering on Houston Dynamo and debunking the moon landing myth".
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "WEIGHTLESS REDS FAIL TO LAUNCH"

And... Since it's Friday and TFC's attack will keep running out of space... "Play close attention!" BOING!

Not in a Friendly mood

"Please sir, can you pound on us some more?"



"In all my years of managing the business of TFC, one thing I have learned is that you cannot predict,"
- Paul Beirne; TFC VP of Business Operations
　
"If TFC hints at something on their official website it's already a done deal."
- Me; Angry Person/ TFC Victim
　
Keen observers of Toronto FC over the years will have long realized that the club's official website is not so much a place for news but rather the launch pad for propaganda and public relations test balloons. If a story is headlined: "Joe the Plumber settling into Toronto" you can guarantee that Joe the Plumber is your new starting midfielder for the foreseeable future. Thus, when yesterday's story, "Report: International Friendly Coming?" appeared - you could confidently remove the question mark.
　
Exciting stuff right? Another exhilarating day out as we munch on the scraps of UEFA's summer holiday crumbs, hoping our star players avoid season-ending injuries. So the only question is - who is coming? Could it be Manchester United? Borussia Dortmund? Be still our backwater hearts... Barcelona?!
　
The answer? WHO F*CKING CARES???!!!
　
Listen here Toronto FC, this city is not the football-starved outpost it once was, desperately awaiting a Santa Clausesque annual visit from a European club working on their tans. No - we have our own football club that plays in North America's top tier and many of us are still passionate about it despite your "best efforts". You may have heard of them - The FC's... something.
　
We want 100% of Toronto FC's management resources going into fixing the disaster created against all odds despite being given every opportunity in MLS to do the opposite. Stop, stop, stop the addiction to bells and whistles and concentrate fully on making TFC the best MLS club and environment and not the grateful redshirted-stepchild begging for more of UEFA's gruel. Look back at the first "major" international friendly against Real Madrid and ask - good for the club? Or, the beginning of the snowball of discontent that has neutered BMO Field's once vicious stands.
　
We will NOT be appeased.
　
Going to TFC matches has become a struggle for many long-term supporters. What once was the day of the week you couldn't wait for now often feels like a duty or an obligation. The commute to and from BMO Field sometimes holding the air of penance. The only fans that would be truly pumped to trek down to Exhibition Place will be those who may support the opposition as their "childhood" club. For the vast majority who support TFC and not the visitors, it will just be another example of sizzle over steak of which this club has dined on for seven very long years.
　
When the inevitable happens and this friendly is announced against Real City United FC, the only remaining mystery will be if the club is smart enough to give out free tickets to its long-long-long suffering season ticket holders. However, if they are dumb enough to think the distraction noodle of another friendly is enough to make us forget that we are as far from success as we were in 2007, forgive us for not holding our breath on that one.
　
Until we see a story on the TFC website titled "Report: TFC to come to their senses?" we will have to let them know we want #SilverwareNotFriendlies at every opportunity.

THE STARTING 11: Worst Toronto FC-themed Father's Day gifts

It has to be a Rongen (TM)!

 

Pity those poor dads who fall victim to the hackneyed cliché that are terrible Father's Day gifts. Pity-squared those poor papas who have taken that dark path in life referred to as "Toronto FC Supporter" who receive those aforementioned terrible gifts as well. Pity-thrice those poor pops who get one of those terrible gifts that is inspired from their TFC support. Gifts like these...

 

11. Anything from The Thomas Rongen Bow Tie Collection

 

10. The four-CD set "Justin Braun Sings the Hits of Linda Ronstadt"

 

9. A mint-condition Danleigh Borman rookie card

 

8. "Mastercraft Reggie Lambe 1-In-6 Brake Pads" from Canadian Tire

 

7. Gift certificates for "Paul Mariner's Gentleman's Formalwear Emporium"

 

6. Dinner and drinks at Club Escobar

 

5. The new "Schick Razor for Jim Brennans" with dual Van Dyke technology

 

4. Two dinner theatre tickets for the one-man show: "Raivis Hscanovics: My Lf Stry"

 

3. An autographed picture of Jacob Peterson giving the Canadian flag the finger

 

2. A gift basket of hair products from "Dichio For Men"

 

1. "Butty-In-A-Can"





AFTER 90: Access granted

It used to watch the Soviets - now TFC blogs

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO

RFK STADIUM

FIRST HALF:

KICK OFF - There's always espionage in the air when Toronto FC, the boys from Canada's capital city, head down to the American capital to meet D.C. United. Of course, being a website known for "truth-telling" about TFC we can't help but be concerned over the recent controversy in the U.S. and Canada about wire-taps and surveillance. But no one will stop us from giving our cherished readers the truth - like this tidbit: Dwayne De Rosario wants XX XXXX XXX XX XXXXXX and will XXXX X XXXXXX to make XX XXXXXX any day! Amazing right? We are the people's XXXXXXX now on to this XXXXXX match!

1' - And the teams kick off at Washington's RFK Stadium. Interesting guy Robert F. Kennedy - did you know that XX XXXX with the XXXX XXXX XX XX even though his XXX XXXX XXX told. Irish head XXX. XXXXX only on Thursdays.

7' - All of the action in Toronto's end at the moment.

10' - Gale Agbossoumonde, the big man from Togo, shaking off some rust early. Speaking of Togo, their GDP is highly scrutinized due to XXX XXXX XXXX involvement in XXX XXX XXXXXX mercury XXXXX XXXXX baboon cage fighting.

18' - PENALTY: Gale Agbossoumonde beaten and drags down Nick DeLeon in the box and GOAL: for who else? Dwayne De Rosario

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 0

25' - Fine weather conditions in Washington D.C. tonight. Almost too good. Almost like they were created by XXXXXX XXXX machine that XXXXX XXXX XXXXXXXX using laser XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX NASA XXXXX XXXXXXXXX and Buzz Aldrin.

28' - Colombian forward Lionard Pajoy forces Joe Bendik to make a diving stop. Speaking of Colombia, in the mid-80's XXXXX XXXX XXXXXXX moustaches XXXXXX XXXXX on donkeys.

30' - GOAL: Toronto - Robert Earnshaw gets his head on a very long-range Steven Caldwell pass that just beats Bill Hamid

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 1

32' - YELLOW CARD: Steven Caldwell for dragging down The De Ro.

41' - GOAL: Toronto - Whipped in Luis Silva delivery goes off the head of DCU's Daniel Woolard for the OG.

D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 2

44' - 000001 00000011 0000001001 0000011100000

45' - We didn't write that last line.

HALFTIME: D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 2

SECOND HALF:

47' - Bendik forced into early saves after a shot from Pajoy and second shot from DeLeon. A second shooter? Funny you should ask, back in XXXXX XXXX who went to XXXXXX XXXX trajectory XXXX XXXXXXXX knoll. XXXX with a Nerf football.

50' - Matias Laba does yeoman's work in the midfield and takes many a lump.

58' - De Rosario misses a chance that he likely would have scored on a couple of years ago. Time may be catching up to the Scarborough native. If only he could get his hands on the revolutionary new anti-aging serum XXXXX XXX XX tested on camels XXX XXXXXXX XXXXX such as Bea Arthur and XXXXX XXXXXXX massive diarrhea.

64' - XXXXXX XXXX Special Agent Reginald Lambe

70' - Steven Caldwell arguably having his best game since joining TFC. The big Scotsman going box-to-box. Much like Scotland's Loch XXXX Monster - which is real.

76' - SUB: Reggie Lambe in for Bobby Convey

79' - SUB: Jeremy Brockie in for Robert Earnshaw

80' - New Zealand have a secret arsenal of intercontinental ballistic XXXXXXX that are capable of XXXXX XXXXX and sheep.

86' - SUB: Darel Russel in for Luis Silva

87' - YELLOW CARD: Darel Russel for being "The Roy G."

88' - Cyberdyne Systems are due to test Skynet at XXXXX XXXX XXXXXX hide your XXXXX XXXX and XXXXXX Jimmy Brennan's man bag.

90'+ - Referee somehow finds 5 Extra Time minutes. He must be using that clock that makes time XXXX XXXX still and was used to reverse the XXXXXXXX gravity when XXXXX the Viet Cong XXXX XXXXXXX and David Bowie.

90'+ - TRANSMISSION TERMINATED

FULL TIME: D.C. UNITED 1 - TORONTO 2

PLAYER RATINGS: Joe Bendik 6.5 / Ryan Richter 6 / Gale Agbossoumonde 5.5 / Steven Caldwell 7 / Darren O'Dea 6/ Jonathan Osorio 6.5 / Matias Laba 7 / Jeremy Hall 5.5 / Bobby Convey 5 (Reggie Lambe N/A) / Luis Silva 6 (Darel Russel 6) / Robert Earnshaw 6.5 (Jeremy Brockie 6 )

THE YORKIES' TFC MAN OF THE MATCH:
Matias Laba

THE BATH:

After giving up the early penalty, you could feel the air escaping the TFC spirit. However, something funny happened on the way to the loss and The Reds managed to dust themselves off, show some backbone and some discipline. From this, the club managed to ride a little skill and a little luck to force their way back into the match, stealing a much needed (and rare) away victory.

 

Yes, this long awaited victory came off of the backs of one of the only teams worse than The Reds in MLS but there is no need to take credit away from TFC. An away victory is tough wherever you are and, while still far from a skilled squad, Toronto were what Ryan Nelsen has said he wanted them to be - "hard to beat".

 

Wondering why this section didn't get the secret society censorship? They probably think we are being sarcastic.

 

Bigfoot is XXXX!!!!

 

THE MATCHUP: White House Downer

"President Mitchell? What an honour!"

D.C. UNITED VS. TORONTO
　
RFK STADIUM - SATURDAY 7PM ET
TV: TSN2
　
THE KICKABOUT:
Well this one puts the cellar in dweller. If you could field two clubs deeper in the muck they would have to be C.H.U.D.S. as 10th place United host your 9th place Eff Cees. Why Washington D.C. hasn't seen this much bottom of the table action since the days of randy interns. Monica Lewinsky! Topical!
　
We're here 'til 9:30PM on Saturday - try the chicken.
　
When you think about it, D.C. and T.O. are practically twin cities - we have both had De Ro's, Kevin Payneseses, CrackMayors (TM) and both are the capital city of a great nation. Samesies! Also shared - crappy 2013 MLS seasons. But something has to break on Saturday right? A dinged up (again) TFC who still suffer from road-win allergies against a United club that gives away goals like visiting clubs are lobbyists. Politics! Topical!
　
0-0 then?
　
MANUFACTURED DERBY NAME:
"We Share Your Payne Derby"
　
PLAYERS TO WATCH:
D.C. UNITED: Nick DeLeon, Dwayne De Rosario, Bill Hamid,
TORONTO: Robert Earnshaw, Matias Laba, Luis Silva
　
THE ODDS:
- TFC kits being taken away for DNA testing on stains: 5-1
- Kevin Payne proclaiming "I have not had contractual relations with that player: 10-1
- Terry Dunfield playing sax on the Arsenio Hall Show: 20-1
　
WHO ARE YA?
Often when North American sports teams visit Washington D.C. they get an audience with the President of the United States. Of course you usually need a trophy to garner an invitation... so Toronto FC? Not so much. Instead, TFC are being granted the honour of an audience with Kevin Kline's stunt double from the 1993 hit film "Dave" where Kline played a "double" of the President. Team captain Darren O'Dea will present the man who played the President double's stunt double with a team shirt to be later sent to Kevin Kline by Kevin Kline's stunt double. A true honour.
　
POST-MATCH HEADLINE: "TERRIBLE MATCH LEADS TO DISSOLUTION OF NAFTA AGREEMENT"

Somersaults available through October - Robert Earnshaw's contract extended

"Stay on your feet!"



I guess when your only other options up front are the Dutch Mr. Glass (aka Danny Koevermans aka "Mishter Glash") and Justin Braun (aka "Fat Braunaldo" aka "The Narcissist" - don't ask) then extending Robert Earnshaw's contract becomes a no-brainer. Being Vikings at "no" and "brainers" it seems as if TFC have done just that according to Toronto Sun's Kurt Larson via the Twitterz.

Nelsen tells me Earnshaw has been extended to end of year. Loan was scheduled to be up on July 1. #TFC
— Kurtis Larson (@KurtLarSUN) June 13, 2013

Yes, the prolific "Prince Zambia" version of Robert Earnshaw from March and early April has been replaced by "That Welsh Guy" Robert Earnshaw but strikers can blow hot and cold. Except Mista - he just blew. Golden Oldie for ya kids! Perhaps if Koef can stay healthy for more than week then the two of them can form a useful "little & large" game and do the unthinkable at BMO Field... score some goals.

It is too early to say what, if anything, Earnshaw's apparent contract extension says about future transfer targets but improved firepower must be on the agenda. Even if Earnshaw can end the season with 10-15 goals, his affinity for long dry spells without a goal (a career habit) causes him to not be one you can confidently count on up front in the long-term. Until that time though we will just have to hope for more Zambian somersaults and less Welsh head shakes.

Sock tassels to be raised to BMO Field rafters as TFC waives Terry Dunfield

"You waived who in the whatnow?!"



In the past when TFC has jettisoned "plumbers" like Dan Gargan, Ty Harden and their ilk we have met the news with bemusement that their stars had even managed to shine so brightly here. It was usually a mix between Torontonians' odd love affairs with "blue collar" athletes and some savvy Toronto FC marketing that propelled lesser skilled players to stardom in the vacuum of talent. Terry Dunfield's release however feels a wee bit different.
　
While Dunfield definitely fits into the "heart over skill" type of player of which TFC has had more than their fair share, his cult status was based on him being a seemingly nice Canadian guy. In an era where "nice" and "TFC" aren't usually appearing in the same sentence, Terry Dunfield's personality and team spirit have been a breath of fresh air. His enthusiasm definitely needs to be bottled and hand-fed to remaining Reds during halftime talks.
　
This being said, a (likely not-so popular) feeling this morning should be one of hope that perhaps TFC are thinking with their footballing minds and not their hearts or marketing department. We have seen depth players retained for too long here in the past due to their affinity amongst supporters. Kevin Payne promised that the roster would be very different by the end of the season and the tough truth is that Dunfield has no value going forward.
　
As likeable a man as Dunfield is, he is not going to get any better, he is coming off of injury and wouldn't likely be a starting member of any MLS playoff contender. TFC are obviously looking towards 2014 and blooding in future players is far more important than giving a feel-good fan favourite minutes just to appease the (understandably) angry crowd. It may seem cutthroat, but it is wise.

THE STARTING 11: Ways Toronto FC players spent their weekend off

""Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts."

It was renowned 20th Century poet, lyricist and Loverboy Michael J. Reno who penned "Everybody's goin' off the deep end. Everybody needs a second chance." Indeed, for Toronto FC members, their days of preparation are actually "work for the weekend" - how successful they are is another article. Sometimes though - the weekend isn't about work for those nutty Reds and the squad gets an MLS "bye-week" such as this past weekend. So what do your Eff Cees get up to with sudden free time on their hands... er... feet?
　
11. RYAN NELSEN: Returned to the UK to begin quest to find the next big John Bostock
　
10. STEFAN FREI: Spent nights spray-painting "JOE BENDIK SUX" in alleyways
　
9. JIM BRENNAN: Had a relaxing Sunday drinking out of his new "World's Best Reserve League Interim Manager" mug. Which he himself bought. On the way home from the reserve league match. Draw.
　
8. DANNY CALIFF: Endured an agonizing few hours with a tattoo artist changing his "I LOVE TORONTO" tattoo to instead read "I LEAVE TORONTO"
　
7. MATIAS LABA: Secretly continuing his construction of a raft capable of enduring a journey from Ontario Place to Buenos Aires
　
6. TERRY DUNFIELD: Meticulously ironing his sock tassels in preparation for his return from injury
　
5. LOGAN EMORY: Desperately trying to conceal the fact that he has been living in one of BMO Field's souvenir stands for the last 11 months
　
4. DAREL RUSSELL: Hunting high and low for his missing letters "R" and "L"
　
3. JEREMY BROCKIE: Getting increasingly frustrated with Canadians who think that his name is "Geermee"
　
2. KEVIN PAYNE: Going to Subway and trying to get a $5 Foot Long sub "on loan"
　
1. BITCHY THE HAWK: Getting high with the BMO Field cat
　
And... since the next fixture is on the horizon... let's get working...

No need to Koef up lead

We feel your painsh



In a season bereft of feel-good moments, the 86th minute of last Saturday's match against Union was welcome respite for a few of the Toronto FC faithful. After a 10-month lay-off, the club's potent striker and fan favourite Danny Koevermans entered the match to much fanfare and good tidings. But why?
　
While the return of the burly Dutchman has been anticipated for ages in these parts, with his reappearance being regarded in some circles at a Messianic level, this was simply a poor footballing decision. With about 10 minutes to hang on to a slim lead with only 10 men on the pitch, introducing a lumbering striker fresh off an ACL rehab was extremely questionable. And that is being kind.
　
So why the rush? While there is no doubt that Koef needed a run out in first team action, this was not the time. Yes, he has a lethal touch when the ball is at his feet but Koevermans will never be accused of having pace. However long Koef's tenure remains with TFC it will only be successful if he is played as part of a striking tandem where he plays the role of poaching target man. At his age and with the residual ring-rust of nearly a year away from play, using him as anything more than a fairly lethal tank is useless.
　
With TFC's regularly scheduled late-match collapses now an accepted fact of life, bringing in a player of his skill-set in the 86th minute put the club even further behind the 8-ball - virtually playing with 9 1/2 men on the defensive side. When Jack McInerney grabbed the inevitable equalizer in stoppage time, Koef was indeed one of the ball-watchers on the play, although in fairness it was your usual "All For One" collapse.

THE STARTING 11: Interchangeable BMO Field / Toronto City Hall press quotes

"Everthing's fine."

It's not quite art imitating life. More like a "Dogs Playing Poker" painting imitating one of those 3D sailboat pictures off of 1990's mall kiosks. Life for those in Toronto who are A) Toronto FC supporters and B) not card-carrying members of "Ford Nation" - tends to be one long cringe-filled existence these days. You can't read the news without the latest on the "mayor’s" Chris Farleyesque crack antics (Alleged. Also pfft.) before turning to the sports section only to be confronted with TFC's latest result going up in smoke (Verified. Also pfft.). The only things more irritating are the hasty press conferences that answer nothing after the fact. What is surprising however are how many stock-quotes can be spouted at both miserable venues without changing a word...
　
11. "We inherited a mess..."
　
10. "We're turning the corner..."
　
9. "We need to stop being wasteful..."
　
8. "David Miller is always watching us with sad eyes."
　
7. "Going to bring in some movers and shakers..."
　
6. "Who ate all the pies?"
　
5. "We don't talk about personnel issues."
　
4. "No I am not resigning!"
　
3. "I don't smoke crack" / "I don't score goals" (TIE)
　
2. "Has been fired as football coach..."
　
1. "Anything else?"

"Everything's fine."

A tip of the hat to friends of The Yorkies Will Graham ( @BigWullieStyle ) and Kristin Knowles ( @kzknowles ) for goofing around with us on this one.

THE SOUTH STAND REPORT - Toronto v Philadelphia... or Sharing is Caring

In this very special episode, the boys Jack, Mack and Ernie learn what it means to share amongst friends, even when one of them is being a jerk.

13' - Someone's rolling around on the pitch... look like Honduras, play like Honduras.

27' - YELLOW - Henry nearly subtracts MacMath with a right cross, but he misses and gets booked for a wee fistycuffs.  So does MacMath.

And now The Yorkies proudly present excerpts of the script from the acclaimed Saturday morning puppet show Jack, Mack & Ernie, Episode 713 entitled "Sharing is Caring".
 

ACT I

MACK: Why are you pushing me around? I didn't push you, why are you being a jerk?

ERNIE: You need to toughen the f**k up son. The world is a cold, cruel place, and you need to develop a little bit of backbone.

JACK: You guys, just apologize and everything will be OoooooKAY! *big smile*

ERNIE: No sunshine, not this time. Mack, if someone pushes you *shove* what do you do? Cry like a coward?

MACK: I don't want to do this!

ERNIE: Life is tough. Stop being a princess and STAND UP FOR YOURSELF YOU SPINELESS DOUCHE!

39' - RED - Henry gets a second yellow for a last ditch tackle from behind and gets no ball.

45' - SUB - Silva off for Morgan

60' - SUB - Brockie comes on for Earnshaw

61' - Convey gets his head to a set piece and just sails over the crossbar

ACT II

MACK: Guys, I saw a poster for a lost puppy, and the reward is 3 pieces of candy.

JACK: Oooh, this sounds like fun. We should go and look for it. I bet it's in the park.

ERNIE: Well, you're in luck. I have nothing better to do. I'm in.

The boys make their way to the local park

JACK: Let's split up. Surely we'll find the puppy faster!

ERNIE: I'm going in this direction. Don't. Follow. Me.

MACK: I hope I find the puppy. What if it's lost? And scared? And cold? And shaking?

JACK: The puppy will be happy to see you! If you find it, just take it back to it's owners! They will be very grateful for their doggie's safe return.

MACK: Ooh... OK.

JACK: Alright then. I'm going to head this way. Good luck.

Mack starts looking around a shrub

MACK: Oh, I hope the puppy is OK. I don't know what I'd do if it was my puppy. I'd be scared of losing her... hey, what's this?

Mack moves some brush and finds a puppy who's leash is caught in a branch

MACK: Oh, hey little puppy. Don't be scared. I'll take you back to your mommy and daddy right now where you'll be safe.

66' - GOAL - Brockie floats a nice cross that finds the lunging head of Osorio and buries it

ROBINS 1, ONION 0

76' - YELLOW - Laba gets booked for a rough tackle to slow down a counter attack.

86' - SUB - What can only be described as symbolic and unnecessary, Koevermans comes back from long-term injury and Brockie comes off

Quote of the Match:

He just got Wiederman'd

~ @kzknowles calling it

ACT III

JACK: Mack, you got all that candy as a gift for finding the puppy that we helped finding. If I were you, I'd let you have some of it...

ERNIE: Look! Don't be a d**k. You got a f**king bag of candy, with three pieces, and you're not gonna share? I'm a jerk but even I would let you guys have some even if you piss me off every other chance you get!

MACK: Ernie, Mack. You're right. I was afraid if I gave you some, well, there'd be none left for me, but we can share all of the candy, and there will still be plenty for me. Having all three would be nice, but I will settle for just one. One for you Ernie...

ERNIE: About f**king time! Thank you, jackass

MACK: You're welcome. And one for you Mack

JACK: Oh thank you! That made my day! Don't you just love sharing? Especially with your best friends!

Tune in for the next special episode of Jack, Mack & Ernie where the boys surely learn about the hazards of CHOKING

90' - GOAL - Cross, lame clearance, Jack McInerney, 10th of his rookie season. Why not share the points?

ROBINS 1, ONION 1

FULL TIME : TORONTO 1, PHILADELPHIA 1

Man of the Match : Osorio but I almost wanted to give it to Brockie for actually crossing it properly for a goal to be scored.

Goat of the Game :  Silva for his two bouts of stage fright when the side needed a shot to be taken.

Ref Rating : 3 out of 5.  Not a great game, not a terrible one.

I Am Not The Gaffer But... : I didn't fully understand the symbolism of Koevermans coming on the pitch.  Not when the side is NOTORIOUS for last minute choking shenanigans and they're only up by one.  I am a huge fan of Koevermans, but playing the headlines and not the scoreline bothered me.  Brockie did well for his limited time on the pitch, but if he's coming off, another defender should be coming on.  Also, him coming on on a slick pitch with two wonky knees might not have been the best move either.

Kit Spotting : Saw a Boca Juniors kit, but the unique one has to go with @the2ndyellow's Falkirk (training?) kit. Woulda spotted that spire badge easily.  Honourable mention goes to the gentlemen wearing the Zenit St. Petersburg scarf.

I am beginning to see the benefit of ditching to "beat the traffic".  It's kinda like leaving the film before the hero tragically dies, or the twist ending upsets you.  That part of you that triggers you consciousness to tell you "hey, your serotonin levels are as good as they're going to get from this match.  Now is a good time to leave" around the 85th minute mark.  My frustration would be much lower because I would not have witnessed the act of donating the points to the visitors so often.

Also, I wonder how many people would like to have a "smart ass"section in the stadium.  Yesterday, football aside, was a great time.  Made new friends, swore, met a kid who's a Liverpool supporter who wears a Manchester United kit because "they're my Champions League team" (that happened).  We just shouted and heckled and laughed all game.  I can't imagine there'd be much of a movement but our new digs at the top of 117 are a hoot.  If you need a laugh, come find us.  No flags, no Dichio songs, no mob mentality.  Just fun.

@ignirtoq can now attest that script writing is a pain in the ass. Thankfully TFC doesn't play Philly again until October.